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“You could show him Geoffrey in Cobalt Teal,” Becket said.

  “If I showed Roger Elgin one painting, he’d say, Where’s the rest of the collection?”

  “You could show him the portrait of Ruth,” Beautiful Adrien suggested.

  Geoffrey in Cobalt Teal and Can I Make You Laugh? were the two paintings Selena hadn’t burned, Geoffrey in Cobalt Teal because Becket had stolen it and Can I Make You Laugh? because Selena couldn’t bear to let it go.

  “That’s two,” Selena said.

  “With you,” Becket said, “two is enough.”

  The other friends nodded.

  Selena shook her head. She could still smell the oil paints in the studio at McLaughlin Academy of Art. She remembered every person she’d painted. But painting—and her ex, Professor Alex Sarta—had nearly ruined her life. Talent is worthless without discipline, Alex used to say. Even if Roger Elgin liked Selena’s work, he would ask for more; then she’d sit in front of a blank canvas for hours or, more likely, go to a bar and get drunk, because she couldn’t paint under pressure…or when she was sad…or stressed…or in love…or not in love.

  Her hand curled as if holding a brush. She shook it out. Ghosts and dreams. That was all painting was to her now.

  “You were so good,” Becket said.

  Her friends were sweet. They were still convinced she could be a great painter. Optimists. It was annoying, and she loved them for it.

  “Please don’t talk to Cadence Elgin about me and art,” Selena said. “I don’t paint. And it’s a funeral.”

  “Can I show her a picture on my phone?” Becket asked.

  “I do not consent,” Selena said.

  “What’s consent?” Becket drawled. “No one needed consent in the nineties.”

  “Becket!” Zenobious and Beautiful Adrien chided in unison.

  Becket rolled her eyes. Of course, she understood consent.

  “If you don’t want us to talk about it, we won’t.” Becket put a hand over Selena’s and squeezed gently. “I’m serious. But I still think you should.”

  “There she is,” Beautiful Adrien said.

  Selena turned around. Cadence was approaching their table looking like business school meets Megan Rapinoe in her suit with her blond hair swept off her face.

  “May I?” Cadence touched the back of an empty chair.

  “Of course.” Beautiful Adrien nudged the chair out for her.

  “Absinthe?” Zenobious offered her a Solo cup and an unmarked bottle. “Pot brownie?”

  “I’m fine.” Cadence glanced at the buffet. One end held a proliferation of bottles, the other a pony keg. “I wouldn’t want you to run out.” She held her hand out to Zenobious. “I’m Cade,” she added.

  Cade shook Selena’s hand last. Her skin was warm and her grip firm.

  “Cade Elgin. We know who you are,” Becket said.

  Selena shot her a look.

  Don’t.

  “The Elgin daughter,” Cade said with a half smile.

  “We promise not to show you our amazing art,” Beautiful Adrien said. “I bet you get that all the time.”

  “I do.” Cade gave a self-deprecating shrug. “I get it. It’s their ten seconds in the elevator with someone famous.”

  Zenobious poured Cade a Solo cup of absinthe.

  “How about a toast to Ruth,” he said.

  “She was like a mother to me.” Selena held up her cup and held back her tears.

  “When she tried out for Fierce Lovely,” Becket added, “I was like, Damn. That’s who I want to be when I grow up.”

  “To old ladies stripping.” Beautiful Adrien picked up a cup.

  They told more stories about Ruth. Cade nodded along.

  “Do you have any memories of Ruth?” Selena asked Cade.

  Cade looked surprised, like she hadn’t expected anyone to care.

  “When I was a kid, we used to visit her in the summer. I played in her backyard. She and my parents got massively high. She did have really nice wisteria.” Cade didn’t smile, but she looked at Selena, and her light blue eyes held something tender.

  “Thanks,” Selena said.

  “Selena thinks she shouldn’t have talked about Ruth’s clit in her speech,” Zenobious said.

  “Unconventional. But…” Cade spread her hands in front of her. “But.”

  Apparently, that was all she had to say about it.

  “I should go,” Cade added. “I’ve got to settle things up with the mortuary.” She didn’t stand up. Her expression changed from sympathetic to how is it that I have to ask this question? “May I have the urn?”

  “Oh.” Selena wanted to keep Ruth. She hadn’t thought about urn etiquette. People took the potted lilies. You couldn’t take the urn. That seemed obvious now. “I’m sorry.”

  She picked Ruth up and held her out to Cade.

  “Do you want to take her home with you?” Selena asked.

  Cade looked pained. “I have a small apartment. I was thinking we would put her in a mausoleum with…the other dead people.”

  “She can’t go in the mausoleum,” Selena said. “She hated people who acted old. Don’t let me go to a nursing home where I have to sit around with a bunch of old people, she said.” Selena didn’t want to scatter Ruth’s ashes either. “I just thought she could go on the kitchen table. Someplace warm.” Don’t cry. “Someplace where she’s not alone.”

  Cade exhaled heavily. But there was that flash of tenderness again.

  “If you tell my parents the Spirit of the Universe told you to keep her, they’ll probably go along with that.” Cade rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Good luck. It was nice to meet you all.”

  And with that she was off. Selena wished Cade had stayed a little longer.

  “She’s sweet,” Selena said, looking at the door through which Cade had disappeared. “She has kind eyes.”

  “You’re not going to sleep with her,” Becket said, a gentle warning in her voice.

  “What? You think I’m going to say, Thanks for the urn. Are you DTF? How did you jump to that? I’m celibate. And even if I wasn’t, I would not hook up with Ruth’s niece at her funeral.”

  A year ago, she would totally have hooked up with Cade after the funeral.

  “You asked me to remind you anytime I saw you looking at someone. You don’t want to break your vow until you’ve got your shit together,” Becket said. “Your words. Not mine. I never said you didn’t have your shit together.”

  Selena did not have her shit together.

  “But kind eyes isn’t the worst reason to sleep with someone,” Beautiful Adrien said.

  Everyone knew about Selena’s vow of celibacy.

  “She let you keep Ruth’s ashes,” Zenobious said. “That’s love.”

  “I am not going to sleep with Cade Elgin. I just thought she was nice. I mean, who does let you keep their relative’s ashes?”

  Selena stood up.

  “I should go too.”

  She kissed Becket on the cheek, then made her way around the table, kissing Zenobious on his man-bun and Beautiful Adrien on the top of his glorious brown hair. Becket got up and followed her to the door, her brow furrowed.

  “What?” Selena asked.

  Becket put a hand on her arm.

  “I didn’t want to say this…You had so much going on with Ruth.” Becket paused. “And I’m sure you’ve thought about it, so this is just me being obvious, but…”

  “I said I’m not sleeping with her. I’m really not.”

  Becket pulled her into a full-body hug. Coming from tiny Becket it was kind of like being hugged by a bird, but Selena felt the love. Selena rested her head on top of Becket’s blue hair.

  “You do know that the Elgins are going to evict you, right?” Becket said, holding her tighter.

  Selena hadn’t thought about it.

  “Of course,” Selena said.

  “And they’ll shut down Ruth’s shop.”

  The shop Selena worked at. The in-law apartment wh
ere she lived rent-free. Her home. Her job. Her life. She thought Ruth’s death couldn’t get any harder.

  “You can crash with me for as long as you want,” Becket said. “Tomorrow we’ll see the lawyer, and then I’ll help you pack.”

  “I’ve already started.”

  “No, you haven’t.”

  She hadn’t.

  Selena hurried outside and walked to her motorcycle, parked on the sidewalk. She’d drunk too much to ride home. She’d gotten that far in her vow to get her life together. To-do list item one: Do not die in a motorcycle accident. She considered going back inside and asking Becket to call an Uber for her. Selena’s phone still had a physical keyboard, and it didn’t type reliably. The letters B, E, H, K, L, M, N, O, and Z were the most problematic, but sometimes it typed those and missed A, F, G, R, S, and T. She could get to numbered streets but not Wisteria Lane. That was okay. She needed a walk. She set off down the tree-lined street, pulling her fake-fur jacket up around her neck to keep off the rain.

  An image of Cade Elgin flashed through her mind. Cade had looked sexy and elegant and powerful. Her short blond hair was cut perfectly to accentuate her high cheekbones. Her clothes hinted at strong shoulders and flat abs. She was athletic. Selena saw it in her lean jaw. But Cade was cute too. The way her blue eyes had widened at the idea of keeping Ruth on the kitchen table. She’d looked distressed and amused at the same time, her furrowed eyebrows saying, Not this again. All that straight-backed decorum made Selena want to ruffle Cade’s perfectly cropped blond hair…and maybe kiss her.

  But that was why she’d taken the vow of celibacy. Sadness made Selena horny. Stress made her horny. Worry made her horny. She was wired that way. The more upset she got, the more sex felt like an answer. Her body told her that if she could just fuck hard enough or come fast enough, her anxiety would melt away. It never worked. Afterward, she lay there, still stressed and sad and now worried that the man or woman in bed beside her would show up at her door with flowers. She’d have to tell them they weren’t at the start of something beautiful; it was just that she owed a thousand dollars in parking tickets and that made her want cunnilingus. Trying to track Cade Elgin down after the funeral was not a life plan. Selena was twenty-nine. Almost thirty! And it was time to get her shit together on her own.

  Chapter 3

  It was raining, and Selena’s coat was wet by the time she arrived at the cottage at the back of Ruth’s property. Her home. Except it wouldn’t be in a few days. She tossed her coat on a chair, stripped out of her funeral attire, and lay down. She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until she woke up to dark windows. She rose slowly and turned on the water for a cup of instant coffee. No one drank instant in Portland; it was like drinking Keystone Light. But Selena had grown up in the middle of nowhere where Folgers crystals and light beer were comfort foods.

  She sat on the floor and leaned against her bed. She’d drink her coffee and then do something with those casseroles. She pulled out her phone and checked her voice mail. At least that still worked. There were a lot of condolence messages. So many people loved Ruth, and so many people cared about Selena.

  Selena was holding back her tears as she listened to a message from one of the customers at Ruth’s boutique when the phone rang. She didn’t recognize the number. For a moment, she thought Cade. With her serious outfit and her kind eyes (which were not a reason to sleep with her), Cade was the type of person to call after a funeral. And it’d be nice to hear Cade’s voice. Maybe Cade had more stories about Ruth, or maybe Cade would like to hear how Ruth loved Cade and understood why Cade couldn’t get away from her work.

  “Hello,” Selena said hopefully.

  “Hi, Selena.”

  She leaped up. No! It wasn’t Cade. It wasn’t anyone reassuring.

  “Selena. It’s me.”

  How long had it been since she talked to her ex? Forever. She shouldn’t even recognize Alex’s voice. She pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at it.

  “I heard the woman you were renting from passed. I’m sorry.”

  How was that any of her business?

  “What…do you want?”

  “To say I’m sorry for your loss.” Alex made it sound obvious. How could Selena mind a sympathy call?

  Selena paced across the room. Ruth’s urn sat on a table by the window. (The Elgins had agreed that one should always heed the Spirit of the Universe.) Selena looked out the window. Was Alex there? Alex used to do that. Just pop in at the Aviary art co-op where Selena painted, catch Selena shooting the shit with Becket, and pull Selena aside. Hanging out with your friends? Really? Have you finished your painting?

  “How did she die?” Alex asked.

  None of your fucking business. Selena’s heart pounded.

  “Cancer.”

  “That’s hard.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I know we haven’t talked for a while,” Alex said.

  We broke up. We don’t talk. Why had Selena kept the same number? Fuck that. Why did she have a phone?

  “My mother died of cancer,” Alex said. “It was terrible.”

  Alex described some of the side effects of her mother’s chemotherapy. It made Selena’s stomach turn.

  “I…I don’t really want to think about that.” Selena scanned the dark yard for a sign of movement. “But it was nice of you to call.”

  Not.

  “The last days of my mom’s life were really gruesome. I just want you to know I’ve been there too.” That was Alex. Saying something to make Selena feel bad and then making it sound like Alex should get a gold star for being considerate. “Was she sick for a long time?”

  “No.”

  “Well, I’m glad for you.”

  Selena put her hand on Ruth’s urn. Can you believe her? Neither Selena nor Ruth said anything.

  “Are you there?” Alex asked.

  I don’t need this.

  Selena tried a power posture. Feet wide apart. Shoulders back. Head up. Alex wasn’t her professor anymore. Alex didn’t have power over her. Selena wasn’t the trembling art student. Selena had given up painting. She worked at Ruth’s shop…she had worked at Ruth’s shop. And she’d been good at it. She was a woman who was getting her shit together, even if she didn’t know what to do with all those casseroles.

  Hang up. A shit-together person would hang up. Selena couldn’t. Her shoulders dropped. She crossed her arms over her chest, squeezing herself. Hold it together. So much for power postures.

  “I’m here.”

  “I know you’re not in the loop at the McLaughlin Academy anymore,” Alex said, “so you probably didn’t hear. Derrick and I split up.” She paused. “I broke up with him because of you.”

  Selena spun around. She felt trapped. Alex’s words reverberated through her body. She’d begged Alex to leave her husband, and Alex hadn’t, and Selena had dropped out of school and burned her paintings, and Alex had gone on teaching her classes and drinking tea in her nineteenth-century, polished-wood-and-brass office. Selena took a few steps across her room, but there was nowhere to go.

  “You were really special, Selena.”

  Selena could hear Alex’s smile.

  “I tried to tell myself you were my midlife crisis,” Alex went on. “You weren’t. You aren’t. I kept thinking about you. You and I had something Derrick and I didn’t. And I know what you’re going to say. You knew that years ago. You told me we should be together, and I didn’t hear you. But I hear you now.”

  Selena felt sick. The twinkle lights that crisscrossed her room danced in front of her eyes.

  “It’s taken me this long to realize it,” Alex said, “but I have. I want you. We’ll take it slow. I know this is a surprise, and your friend just died, but hopefully it’s a happy surprise.”

  No. It wasn’t. But Alex’s feelings were always the right feelings. Selena’s were always wrong.

  “We’ll start with coffee,” Alex said.

  “I’m busy.” Selena paced the le
ngth of her room.

  “If you call hanging out with your friends busy. Just coffee. We don’t have to rush into anything.”

  The right thing to say would be, I’m not comfortable with this call, and I’m not interested in reconnecting. Selena had coached customers at Ruth’s boutique on having these kinds of conversations. You need to respect my boundaries.

  I don’t want to! Selena clutched her phone. She’d never been able to stand up to Alex. Not once. I’m going to go back to her. The thought hit her like a gunshot. She wouldn’t want to. She’d hate it. Her friends would try to stop her. But Alex would bring out her professor voice, and every argument Selena could think of would fail. Don’t be childish, Selena. You were never good at making decisions.

  Selena crossed her room again. She’d lost every argument she’d ever had with Alex. Alex always got what she wanted. What could Selena say that would make it totally, absolutely, one hundred percent clear that Alex could not get back in her life?

  “I’m dating Cade Elgin,” Selena blurted out. “Cade Elgin. From the Elgin Gallery. And I love her, and it’s perfect, and she makes me feel safe, and she makes me laugh, and she’s a great lover, which you weren’t.”

  What the fuck was she thinking? Cade Elgin?

  “Selena,” Alex said, calm-professor voice shifting into disappointed-professor voice. “That’s a little far-fetched, isn’t it?”

  Selena sat down on her bed and pulled her knees up to her chest.

  “No, it’s not.”

  There were plenty of reasons why Cade Elgin would date…a soon-to-be-homeless art school dropout with no bank account. Okay. There were no reasons except that Selena was hot. She knew that. That also wasn’t a life plan.

  “Selena, you don’t have to make up a girlfriend,” Alex said. “And the Elgin daughter? Really? I’m someone who loves you who is asking you out for coffee. You don’t have to lie to me.”

  “I’m getting married.”

  Selena pressed her face to her knees. She knew what would happen. Alex would come by the store, probably as the Elgins were shutting it down. Cade would be long gone, or she’d be appalled at Selena’s lie. Alex would chastise Selena, then demand that they get coffee. And Selena would go because that’s the kind of person she was.