Ship It Holla Ballas! Read online

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  For Kristen and Nissa, and Jack, Sam, and Zephyr

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Authors’ Note

  Chapter 0

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Chapter 52

  Chapter 53

  Chapter 54

  Chapter 55

  Chapter 56

  Chapter 57

  Chapter 58

  Epilogue

  Photographs

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  Copyright

  ship it ’ship ’it

  1. In poker, an exclamation made after winning a big pot.

  2. The affirmation of a suggested act of extreme awesomeness.

  Authors’ Note

  This is a true story, though some names and details have been changed.

  0

  For reasons that had little to do with taxes, April 15, 2011, was not a good day to be an online poker player in the United States of America—a group that, at the time, numbered somewhere between 2.5 million and 15 million people. Those who tried to log on to any of the biggest virtual cardrooms that Friday morning were greeted by official government seals and an ominous message: “This domain name has been seized by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.”

  While smoke had been in the air for a while, the shutdown had come without warning. Americans were suddenly unable to access the money in their online accounts, which in some cases meant several million dollars. More than 12,000 players rushed to Two Plus Two, a Web site that’s home to the world’s largest and most respected poker forum, looking for answers. The unexpected spike in traffic crashed the site’s servers, further rattling the poker community.

  Slowly information began to emerge. The Department of Justice had shut down the dot-com Internet addresses of the four largest sites in the world—PokerStars, Full Tilt Poker, Absolute Poker, and Ultimate Bet—alleging violations of the Illegal Gambling Business Act of 1955 and the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act (UIGEA) of 2006. At least $500 million was frozen in seventy-five bank accounts across fourteen countries. Eleven people, poker site executives and the payment processors who brokered the transactions between the sites and players, were arrested and charged with bank fraud, money laundering, and illegal gambling.

  With the exception of a few small rogue sites, “Black Friday” meant the end of online poker in the United States.

  For the previous eight years—ever since an amateur named Chris Moneymaker upset the pros and won the World Series of Poker (WSOP) in 2003—America had been gripped by a poker craze. Televised tournaments filled the airwaves. The World Series had grown by a multiple of ten, one year awarding its winner $12 million—the largest payout ever given to an individual winner of a sporting event.

  On Black Friday it became apparent just how much this craze owed to the multibillion-dollar online poker industry. The two biggest virtual cardrooms—PokerStars and Full Tilt Poker—had been spending $200 million each year in the United States on marketing and were the primary advertisers on poker-centric television shows like Poker After Dark, The Big Game, and Million Dollar Challenge. All three shows were quickly canceled. Sports giant ESPN immediately removed all of PokerStars’ advertising from its Web site, ending a relationship that had been generating $22 million a year. ESPN also scratched plans to broadcast the 2011 North American Poker Tour, a series of big money tournaments that PokerStars had created the year before. Even the future of the World Series, the game’s oldest and most prestigious tournament, grew murky: Moneymaker’s victory may have lit the fire, but the explosion was fueled by the tens of thousands of entrants who qualified through online satellite tournaments and a singularly successful TV relationship with ESPN, which was strongly considering getting out of the poker business altogether.

  The end of online poker also allowed for some perspective. The phenomenon that had kept millions of players enthralled for more than a decade could now be viewed as a historical event.

  In many ways, online poker resembled a gold rush or investment bubble: Fortunes were made, sometimes literally overnight, and lost just as quickly. In other ways, it was a new twist on an old game, like day trading—a technological breakthrough that changed the preexisting paradigm, allowing its early adopters to pursue some form of the American dream while sitting in front of a computer in their bathrobes.

  But what made the online poker craze truly unique was the extent to which it was powered by kids. You have to be twenty-one to gamble legally in the United States, but the online cardrooms—most of which were based overseas—allowed eighteen-year-olds to try their luck. At the peak of the boom, one out of every five college students was playing poker on the Internet. A significant number of even younger teens were able to bluff their way in as well.

  The results were occasionally disastrous. An estimated one-quarter of the college players exhibited the kind of clinical symptoms that define problem gamblers. Many of them dropped out of school to play professionally, only to descend into financial ruin. Some even resorted to stealing money—typically from other players but in one notable case from a bank—to help fund their poker habits.

  But poker is a zero-sum game—if there are losers, there are going to be winners—and college-age kids were in many ways the ones best positioned to take advantage of the opportunity. This was, after all, the first generation to have grown up with computer mice in their hands, making them ideally suited to the rapid-fire pace of online play. They were comfortable with the idea of spending hours playing a game on a screen and had copious free time to develop skills and strategies. Not surprisingly, some of them were wildly successful, creating a new economic caste of seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds suddenly bestowed with immediate riches.

  Like many winners of the Mega Millions, these kids were ill-equipped to handle their success. They were earning too much to relate to their age-peers, and taking on too much risk to win the approval of their parents and teachers. Many of them were social misfits to
begin with, the kind of teenagers you’d expect to latch on to the idea of spending most of their waking hours playing a computer game. In other eras they might have lived strange lives in relative isolation. But thanks to the Internet’s evolution into the most powerful social networking tool in history, these kids were able to find one other. Through text messages and e-mails, discussion forums, and online chat, they formed powerful relationships that ultimately flourished into a full-on subculture with its own language, fashion, and customs.

  In many cases their immersion into instant wealth coincided with living on their own for the first time, leaving a serious void in the whole authority figure department. These kids had the money and freedom to pursue a fantasy cobbled together from rap videos and late-night Cinemax. They developed expensive tastes and partied like rock stars around the world, dropping massive sums on bottle service, strip clubs, party drugs, fast cars, and the replacement cost of whatever property got destroyed along the way. The discovery of like-minds with similarly disposable income helped to reinforce and amplify the bad behavior.

  But the connections weren’t always negative. Some formed loose tribes that shared advice, support, and money. In the absence of adult supervision, they helped one another navigate the oftentimes treacherous waters of postadolescence and, eventually, mature into actual adults themselves.

  The Ship It Holla Ballas were one of these communities, a loosely affiliated group of seventeen- to twenty-two-year-olds who chose their name to incite a reaction. You were either in on the joke or you weren’t. The Ballas were young, rich, brash, arrogant, and, thanks to the pervasive media culture that raised them, remarkably self-aware. They knew the Internet wasn’t just a tool for making money, but a place to create a reputation for themselves, defining and celebrating a new lifestyle that just a few years earlier never could have existed. They used it as a platform to wage war against the social idiosyncrasies that had previously defined them, the parents and teachers who doubted them, and a poker establishment that refused to take them seriously.

  This is their story.

  1

  During this rigorous time in my life, several thoughts went through my mind: That chick is so hot. This bud is so sticky. This class is so lame. I want a beer. We should go surfing.

  —Irieguy

  FORT IRWIN, CALIFORNIA (September 2001)

  Irieguy has seen plenty of gambles in his life. It’s never taken much to convince him to bet all the money in his wallet on a football game or on the number of push-ups he can do in a day.

  But this is the first wager that could conceivably be described as life or death, and he’d certainly prefer something better than fifty-fifty odds.

  Maybe “life or death” is exaggerating the case. Then again, maybe not. Heads, he spends the next year and a half administering pap smears among the yuccas and Joshua trees of the California high desert. Tails, he’s going to war. And Irieguy isn’t exactly what you’d call “soldier material.”

  In fact, he’s very nearly the embodiment of peace and love, a textbook California kid from Orange County who’s about as laid-back as they come. Much of his don’t-worry-be-happy personality can be traced to his father, SkipperBob, who earned his nickname during the seventies, when he bought the Newport Harbor Yacht Club and ran the place like a singles bar.

  For college, Irieguy trades one hot spot of mellow for another, leaving the O.C. for Malibu. He spends four years at Pepperdine trying to perfect his Jeff Spicoli imitation. Waking and baking nearly every single day. Surfing, ideally when the tides coincide with the university’s mandatory religion class. Drinking beer. Chasing girls. Drinking more beer.

  Somehow Irieguy still manages to get into medical school at Nova Southeastern University in Florida, trading palm trees, an idyllic view of the Pacific Ocean, and reasonable proximity to L.A.’s glamour for palm trees, an idyllic view of the Atlantic Ocean, and reasonable proximity to Miami’s glitz.

  The original plan is to become a plastic surgeon, until a rotation in Obstetrics and Gynecology unexpectedly rocks his world. During the most exciting twenty-four hours of his life, he assists in two live births, an emergency C-section that saves a baby’s life, and a successful cancer surgery. There’s no combination of drugs and alcohol that can top the buzz he gets from introducing new lives into the world. He is literally delivering happiness. Forget face-lifts and tummy tucks. Irieguy has found his true calling.

  There aren’t any idyllic ocean views or palm trees in Detroit, where he does his residency. During the long, cold winters, he vows to set up his practice someplace warm and fun and full of beautiful women—he hopes to return to California or Florida, or maybe give Arizona or Las Vegas a try. There’s just one hitch: the three-year commitment he owes Uncle Sam.

  Between medical school and his residency, Irieguy has to attend Officer Training School with the rest of the freshly minted doctors, lawyers, and chaplains who have volunteered for the military in exchange for tuition money. A two-star general strides briskly to the podium to deliver the orientation briefing.

  It’s called “Break Things, Kill People.”

  “I think I made a big mistake,” Irieguy whispers to the doctor sitting next to him.

  After finishing his residency, he gets assigned to Fort Irwin, a sleepy military base in the Mojave Desert about a half hour outside of Barstow, California. SkipperBob drives him to his post. “The good news,” he tells his son, “is that we’re probably living in the most peaceful and prosperous time in human history.”

  It’s an era of peace and prosperity that will last for exactly two more days.

  Irieguy is on a treadmill in the base’s gym, gazing blankly at the TV across the room. More night owl than morning person, he’s having trouble processing the image on the screen—a torrent of black smoke pouring into the sky from what appears to be a gaping hole in one of the World Trade Center towers. Several minutes later, he watches a Boeing 767 jetliner crash into the other tower.

  Irieguy’s first thought is, Holy shit.

  Then he looks down at his clothes. Yup, that’s an Air Force star on his T-shirt. His eyes drift across the room full of soldiers, faces hardening to a grim sense of purpose, and he gets struck by a second thought.

  This is one hell of a time to be starting a career in the military.

  There are two OB-GYNs stationed at Fort Irwin, Irieguy and Dr. Miguel Brizuela. They become fast friends, commiserating daily during the buildup to war; both got into this racket to save lives, not to Break Things and Kill People. Then the inevitable orders roll in: one of them is going to be deployed to Iraq.

  “Hey, Miguel,” says Irieguy. “This might sound a little crazy, but … want to flip a coin for it?”

  Which is how Miguel Brizuela winds up in Mosul with the 21st Combat Support Hospital North, stitching up soldiers, while Irieguy spends the next year and a half in the Mojave Desert, killing time.

  2

  There are only two signals emitted from the poker universe:

  1. The universe will unfold as it should;

  2. If you play the right way, and your opponents do not, you will win. Everything else is noise, and to make too much of anything that doesn’t expressly involve the two above facts is to pave the road to failure.

  —Irieguy

  DETROIT, MICHIGAN (January 1998)

  During one of the longest and coldest winters of his Detroit residency, three years before his stay in the desert, Irieguy gets a call from SkipperBob. “Hey, you can get on the World Wide Web, right?”

  “No one calls it that anymore, Dad, but, yes, I’ve got Internet access. Why?”

  “You won’t believe this, but there’s this place called Planet Poker where you can play cards for real money. Against real people, anywhere in the world.”

  Irieguy thinks this is pretty much the coolest thing he’s ever heard.

  He learned how to play poker from SkipperBob, who, after losing his shirt in the sailing business, spent a year working as a �
�prop” at L.A.’s Bicycle Club, employed by the casino to keep the action flowing at the poker tables. While at Pepperdine, Irieguy brought the skills his father taught him to nearby Hollywood Park, winning enough to keep his refrigerator stocked with beer. Now, thanks to online poker, he and SkipperBob can play at the same table, chatting with each other the entire time, even though they’re separated by two thousand miles.

  This discovery becomes particularly useful at Fort Irwin. During the long periods of extreme boredom that follow the occasional childbirth, Irieguy wonders if maybe he wasn’t the coin flip’s real loser. Online poker turns out to be a great way to break up the monotony. The site where he first plays, Paradise Poker, doesn’t offer his game of choice—tournament no-limit Texas Hold’em, the same form of poker used to decide the world championship at the World Series of Poker—but they do have a rough approximation, something called a “Sit N Go.”

  The premise is simple: for an $11 entry fee—$10 toward the prize pool, $1 to the house—you get a seat at the table. As soon as nine players buy seats, the tournament begins.

  Sit, and go.

  You start with a fixed number of chips, and when they’re gone, so are you. The “blinds,” or forced bets required to play, increase every few minutes, compelling you to risk more and more of your chips, a neat bit of design that keeps the tournament from lasting more than an hour or so. The winner earns around $55, second place about half that, while coming in third gets you slightly better than a refund on the entry fee.

  Irieguy quickly falls in love with Sit N Gos, because:

  (a) the fixed buy-in prevents him from losing more than $11 at a time;

  (b) they’re only an hour long, so he can squeeze them into the cracks of his unpredictable schedule; and

  (c) he seems to have a knack for winning them.

  In fact, he’s finishing in the money with such regularity that he starts to suspect there might be a science to it.

  Irieguy has always loved numbers. During medical school he worked part time as a research assistant in a biomedical lab, where he spent hundreds of hours poring over statistics. It was the kind of work that most people would find insanely boring, but Irieguy knows that numbers, when looked at the right way, can tell you a story. Shed new light on the past. Predict the future. Explain everything in between.