Have You Ever Nogged A Nag? Read online

PART 2

  The Nag Get's Nogged!

  ..........

  Later that day, in a very important building situated somewhere within the centre of London, three people, a woman and two men sat within a small office. Both men waited in silence as the woman made to speak.

  "What on earth was going on in there Vickers? Perhaps you'd like to explain." She said as her icy gaze flashed first to the younger man then rested on the other.

  "This clown... This joker... This complete and utter blockhead..."

  "Steady on old chap", the younger man said interrupting the rant of Vickers. "There's a lady present."

  "I'll not bloody 'steady on' you... You half-witted twit!", Vickers said, turning angrily towards the smug half grin of the infuriating persona beside him, then remembering who else was in the room he quickly composed himself before saying: "Beg your pardon me Ma'am but as I was saying, he was acting like a complete arse!", Vickers' face had reddened slightly as his gaze slipped from his superior then back to the man.

  The woman shook her head.

  "I still don't have the faintest idea. Could one of you please explain to me how a simple test could escalate into a public brawl?"

  "Excuse me Ma'am but it was hardly a brawl. This chap here, for some unknown reason, decided to throw a punch at me. All I did was simply evade the blow by catching his arm, twisting it around while simultaneously pinning him to the table to restrain him." The younger man then shrugged his shoulders before continuing by saying: "And that's all there was to it. At the time I suspected it was perhaps part of the test."

  "He was deliberately winding me up! Sabotaging my test! Trying to weasel his way out."

  "Ah yes the test. Or should I say your test." The woman said with a shake of her head. "Bit of an odd test isn't it. I mean we've never used it before. Indeed, up until today I'd never heard of such a test. And not only me by the way, everyone I've spoken to. And yet here you are Vickers, putting one of our trainees through it without first discussing it with any of your superiors."

  The redness in the man's face suddenly drained on hearing these words and the anger that moments before had etched itself into every one of his words was now replaced with a slightly shaken worried tone as he replied: "I'm sorry about that Ma'am but I was trying out something a bit different. You've always encouraged that we should surprise our new recruits now and again to see how they respond in uncomfortable situations. After all, they're supposed to be the best of the best."

  "I agree. But what I don't encourage is for the instructor to lose his head and to start a fight. I don't know if it's just me but that comes across as being a bit unprofessional, don't you think?"

  With this Vickers opened his mouth to reply but on meeting the eyes of his superior the words dried up into incomprehensible mumble.

  "If I've got this correct, the test was for the two of you to strike up a nonsense conversation while sat near an enemy agent who was talking on a mobile phone. Then, while the two of you talked rubbish you simultaneously had to eavesdrop on any information that he may give away. Correct?"

  "That's pretty much how I understood it as well." The younger man said as he slightly slouched in his chair, his posture totally relaxed, the complete opposite of the man he now knew to be called Vickers.

  "Is it? For according to Vickers here, he claims that you purposely messed up his test. This has raised my suspicion levels about you."

  "Really! I've raised your suspicion levels?"

  "Oh yes. My suspicion is raised like an assassin's loaded and cocked gun and pointed straight at you! So I'll ask you outright. Did you purposely try and wreck poor Vickers' ridiculous test!"

  However, before the man could answer, Vickers piped up. "Yes... Yes he ruddy did. "Erm... Pardon the French Ma'am but that's what..." He stopped mid-sentence realising that his superior had slipped in the fact that she thought his test ridiculous. Thinking fast, he decided to make his pause into something else, thus turning to the younger man and questioning: "What is your name by the way?"

  The younger man slowly eased himself upright in his chair. As he did the calm exterior fell away to be replaced with a stare that reminded Vickers that he was not just sat next to your average Naval Commander but to one of Britain's most finest and promising elite.

  "The name's..."

  "That's confidential information for now!", the woman interrupted quickly.

  "But I'm not going to tell anyone Ma'am. I mean, we're all on the same side and everything."

  "I fully agree with you Vickers", she said with a slight smile as she registered the hurt in his last sentence. "The fact is that if you were ever taken hostage by certain unwelcome parties... Well let's just say that information could be extracted."

  Vickers gave a gulp and nodded his head as he considered the lady's last words, then said: "It doesn't matter anyway what he's called, what matters is the fact that he obviously tried to ruin my test. I mean I explained it clearly enough to him.

  "It does seem that Vickers here has a point. And although there can be no excuse for his physical attack upon you, I am fairly certain that you did play your part in the whole sorry incident."

  At these words Vickers hung his head as the woman's eyes sailed from one man to the other, the younger man however met her gaze square on, and when she held her gaze on him he didn't show the faintest sign of uneasiness. This actually angered her slightly and she decided that a new form of attack was needed to bring the young upstart into line.

  "You do know we have high hopes for you don't you?" she said slightly narrowing her eyes and giving him her coldest stare. Still the man remained calm and statuesque. "So far only six men have proven worthy, if you're to be the next then I expect you to follow orders. Britain can't have mischief-maker's and scoundrels representing her now can she?"

  "No Ma'am", the man answered with a slight shrug and raise of the eyebrows that suggested that she'd just stated the obvious.

  She looked for the slightest sign of weakness, a glimmer of doubt in the eyes, the faintest trace of uncertainty from an unwanted twitch but he remained as cool and calm as ever. At this moment an uncomfortable silence spread as she watched him, however, only Vickers showed any uneasiness of the situation, his eyes darting from one to the other as sweat began to build up on his brow. He decided that the awkwardness needed an interruption... His interruption.

  "The test was simplicity itself. You simply had to be involved in a nonsense conversation while listening in on the enemy. That was the premise and if he'd stuck to those rules then I would have been happy."

  "Oh Vickers, for God's sake, stop being a nag", the woman said with a sigh.

  "Believe me, you don't want to mention the word nag around our friend Vickers here, do you old boy!" The younger man said with a slight smile.

  Vickers had to bite his tongue to stop himself from calling the man something that would be highly inappropriate for the current company he found himself with, and when he did think of a clever reply to give back, he was cut off mid sentence as the woman interrupted him by saying: "Ah yes, the nog and the nag. Vickers' report has explained it clearly." She then opened a drawer from the desk she was sat behind and pulled out some papers.

  "This here is your report", she said to Vickers, tapping her finger against the papers.

  "Yes Ma'am. I wrote it but a few hours ago."

  "Hmmm... It explains the whole thing I see." She then shook her head as she glanced it over. "It seems too ridiculous for words. I mean you expect that anyone could seriously be able to pick up on the answers to these questions while simultaneously talking gobbledygook... What colour coat will the man carrying the red briefcase be wearing? What colour are the eyes of the cat owned by the criminal mastermind known as Argent Silverthumb? What is the name of the voluptuous though deadly blonde assassin who is believed to have killed Mr. White? And finally, where does the one eyed man with the stutter live? I mean really Vickers!"

  Vickers again made to speak but on seeing th
e look in her eyes he decided instead to once more hang his head.

  She then let out another sigh and said: "I suppose what's done is done. This time only I am willing to forget the whole sorry situation, and I fully expect that nothing like this will ever happen again."

  "Yes ma'am", Vickers said ashamedly.

  "And as for you", she said turning to the other man. "I expect a LOT more professionalism. Is that understood!"

  The man just smiled and nodded, before replying: "Of course."

  "Right then. The two of you can leave. That is unless either of you have anything else to say."

  The two simultaneously shook their heads then each stood up and made for the door leading out of the office.

  As the younger of the two men grabbed his hat from the stand that he threw it upon when he'd first entered, he turned round to the woman and said: "There are just a few things actually I'd like to say before I leave. That is if I have your permission to Ma'am?"

  "Go ahead", she said watching stone faced as the man gave her a smile.

  "The coat was blue. The cat's eyes red. I believe the assassin to be a Ms. Boobshaker. And finally the one eyed man with the stutter lives at 62 Horsen Ferry Road, London S1." Then placing his hat on his head he turned and swaggered out of the room past the open mouthed Vickers.

  "Chin up old boy", he said as he passed him.

  When both men had left the office the lady smiled to herself. Although she suspected that the man would no doubt be trouble she also suspected that he would make a damned fine British Secret Service agent.

  THE END