No Sense And Nonsense Read online

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  I know what when nor where

  But if where was when

  And when was where

  Then that be neither here nor there

  They call me Sandy Mudflaps

  What's that? That’s not my name!

  My name be Randy

  You daft foppish Dandy

  So cut it out, for your mockery be lame

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  And everything you have ever read is untrue

  Except this one statement

  I found scribbled on a wall in Gods basement

  It read “Remember, all cows should eat grass and go Moo!!!”

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  You should never feed me after midnight

  But unlike a gremlin

  I be completely without sin

  It’s just that it makes me burp, fart and shite

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  My arch enemy is a low down stinking dirty rat

  He also hates a guy called Borris Pranger

  Who’s apparently a shit-hot Morris-dancer

  So technically that means that the enemy of my enemy is a twat!

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  Though I be no malicious Jack the Ripper

  In fact I once flashed a whore

  But as I did I heard the sirens of the law

  And panicked, catching my thingy in my zipper

  (NOT NICE!)

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  At last the penultimate verse

  It endeth soon

  This awful tune

  A rhyme so crap that I curse

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  Hold on, hold on…I urge

  There’s been a mistake

  A penultimate fake

  For we carry on with this bloody horrible dirge

  They call me Randy Stodgeflaps

  And in a way I am glad there is more to be penned

  For I have an important thing to say

  Upon this dark sullen day

  And that is_OH BUGGER, this cannot be_

  THE END!

  ..........

  Riddle 5

  By: Milthy Swinebuckle

  I smell of armpits

  Hold my stance like a log

  I taste of turnips

  And bark like a dog

  You should not fight me

  Even though I be weak

  For what we are about to receive

  Is not of what I speak

  I stir yellow custard

  While waxing my legs

  Even though I remain unspoken

  I still remember every word I have said

  Let terror walk within me

  Let death become my soul

  Let me drown between twin mountains of flesh

  Let me not grow gray and old

  And so concludes this riddle

  Can you unravel what I see

  If you have indeed managed to work it out

  Then you’re a better man than me

  What is it that I talk of?

  ANSWER

  (Uifsf jt op botxfs. Jn kvtu tbmljoh cpmmjdlt…ib ib)

  ..........

  And Now for Some of My Quotes!

  by: Jonathan Antony Strickland

  When your down, your down.

  But, when you're up....then you should always keep an eye out for that unexpected kick in the balls that can unnervingly strike at any time.

  At least, that's what the drunken man in the mirror told me anyway!

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  Shit fuck arse bastard bollocks! Bumwipes ninnyhammers stodgy-sniffers crack-plasterers toe-rags! Boobs bums balls bottoms breasts!

  And finally I just like to finish with: Farts whiffy-bits stinkers itchy-mongers and crap-pots!

  Because sometimes it just needs to be said!

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  We shouldn't eat meat....blah....blah....blah. Meat is murder....blah bloody blah. WHAT ABOUT THE POOR FORGOTTEN VEGETABLES. WHO GIVES THEM A SECOND THOUGHT. So spare a thought this Christmas, and save a sprout.

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  Look to the left and apparently you'll see red....Look to the right and apparently you'll see blue...I'm not sure if these two statements are true but the one thing I have learned in my forty years is that if you look down the toilet after eating a particularly nasty curry the night before, then you'll see every politician that this land has to offer!

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  A step in the right direction can still be the death of an ant....

  ....................

  My only reply to said deity being........shit, arse, fuck, twat, arse shit, bollicks, balls, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucck....fuck....fucking....fuckkkkinggg hellllll...shit, arse and bollicks!.....Please let me into heaven when I eventually pop my clogs....I'm only an atheist shithead because I know you don't exist...but apart from that.....?

  ( I kind of remember writing this...but I couldn't remember what I'd actually said! Now that I've re-read it I can only conclude that all the greatest prophets throughout history have been nothing but a bunch of slimeball piss-artists like myself and every other wine-guzzling, beer-downing, turps drinking deadbeat...In other words, come Monday, I'm heading straight down the jobcentre to see what prophesying jobs are currently being advertised.)

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  Which one of you filthy swines just farted?

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  I know my writing does not follow with the recent wave of erotic fiction that has sprung up, so to make it more appealing to that type of reader I shall have to lie a little about its contents and claim it’s a lot like Fifty Shades of Gray but with extra cocks!!!

  ....................

  You know that poem "if", what a load of crap! Kipling got it wrong! What he should have said was "If you can portray the idea's you get to a sober man (no matter how shit those ideas may be), and keep a straight face. Then you'll be a man MA SON!

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  I be the king of the idiot's ma lad. Thick as a picture and as pretty as a plank....that's me........Aw wait a minute that should have been as pretty as a picture and as......AH what the fuck! If the shit fits wear it!

  ....................

  HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!

  ....................

  YUM YUM....cheese and onion flavour.... NNNNNNNIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCEEEEEE!!!!!

  ....................

  It's official.....Ikki The Ball-stotter has shagged your wife!

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  A joint, a joint....my kingdom for a joint!

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  As far as I am concerned you should not judge a fellow person on their looks, sex, race or beliefs. There are only two types of people:

  1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with their lives and not bother anybody else.

  2_The preachers, the arsholes and the gobshites who want to tell you what you should do and how you should be doing it.