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  I would like to dedicate the book to Bonnie Timmermann, who has made this possible from the beginning; to my mother, who has given me the strength in life; and to my father, who gave me the intellectual abilities to understand this world.

  DISCLAIMER

  As far as the limits and caprices of memory allow—especially in the fog of war and fear—this story is as true as it gets. I’ve taken liberties with many of the names in order to protect anyone still in harm’s way and accommodate those who prefer not to advertise their actions or might still pose a danger to me. Some of the names I’ve simply forgotten or never knew.

  BOOK 1

  ENTER THE LEVANT

  SOMETIMES YOU CAN SENSE when things are about to go terribly wrong. You get a premonition, a sign smacks you in the face. Sometimes there’s a stirring in the marrow of your bones, a sort of queasiness in your soul, and you just know.

  In the lead-up to the day when things went terribly wrong for me—April 29, 2013—I didn’t have a clue about what was to come. It all seemed if not good, then at least business as usual in an unusual business. Maybe that Scud missile whistling in the distance over the Syrian border should have been taken as a warning. Or the account of those other journalists killed by government shelling. Or the rank taste of the bird I’d shot for lunch.

  But I was too focused on the task at hand: to capture images of destruction and carnage. Because if I did my job well, I knew one of those images could serve as an icon of that particular confluence of events in history.

  It wasn’t that I thought I was immortal. Actually, I’ve always been cautious, probably too preoccupied with making sure that everything goes smoothly and safely. But of course, I’m always walking into bad situations. That’s my job. I take pictures of people fighting. Not boxing matches, not street fights, but wars—armies and militias going at it with heavy weapons to alter the course of history. And at the risk of sounding arrogant, I’ve always felt like I could somehow make some good out of any bad situation. Maybe I was fooling myself. It’s easy to make up all sorts of myths about yourself after the fact.

  It was my third trip to the Syrian combat zone. The war had broken out in 2011 during the Arab Spring. The mythography around the war now offers us the image of a spark that had ignited the conflict: six kids in the southern city of Daraa arrested for writing antigovernment graffiti: “The people want the fall of the regime.” They were tortured in prison, and Syrians all around the country started demonstrating against their dictatorial president, Bashar al-Assad, who tried to crush any dissent before it had a chance to fester. I personally doubt that any historical cause and effect is ever so clear-cut, but it does make for a moving story.

  Bashar al-Assad, like his father Hafez before him, and like so many leaders in that part of the world, would not tolerate any opposition. Indeed, by all accounts both Assads were butchers. That so much of the population wanted something else—something better, kinder—was no surprise. The thornier issue was who wanted what—and why. My job was to go and see. In the purest sense, I was expected to serve as the world’s eyes on the conflict.

  * * *

  THERE ARE TWO WAYS you can go into a field where human misery is your currency. Either you go in as a prism and refract the light, giving the subject a face and voice in the process, or you go in and feed off the light like a vampire feeding off blood. In the latter case the voice into which the light is translated turns into a scream. Usually the scream is more immediate, more effective than peering into a soul most don’t even believe in. People have developed a need for images of horror.

  But these are the last things you think about when you’re there. Like any other job, the primary purpose is to get it done, get paid, and move on to the next task. I was working for Polaris Images, a photo agency. The heyday for conflict photographers was long gone—we were one of the first trades to get slammed by the digital revolution’s bulldozer. I didn’t start taking photos for a living until the early 2000s, so I was essentially part of the first “post-film” generation of photographers.

  When you’re competing not only with a host of local photographers, but also half the population—which now carry camera phones as prosthetic memories—you don’t just need to be fast, you need to be professional. Without film to develop, everyone expects instant product. So you can spend all morning dodging mortar fire, then have to edit, caption and file photos in the afternoon and evening. If your agency gives you money to go somewhere, then that’s good, you’re ahead of the game. Otherwise you go on your own dime and send a steady stream of photos every day. Clients pick them out from a torrent of images updated continuously. It’s worse than eat what you kill. More like scatter your chum and hope for the best.

  * * *

  YOU NEED TO TRAVEL light. Everything has to fit into a carry-on. No check-in baggage. Just before leaving for the front lines, I would ritualistically lay out my possessions on the bed, then pack them into my duffel bag.

  This time Lebanon was my entry point. On my two previous trips to Syria I had come in from Turkey. Now I wanted to get closer to the fighting near Damascus.

  Outside the window of my hotel room in Byblos I could see the Mediterranean Sea. A few waves lapped up against the sandy beach strewn with lounge chairs, but none of them big enough to surf. A day or two of beach might be nice after I got back safely, but I wasn’t sure I’d get the chance. So I decided to go for a swim before I packed.

  It was mid-April and the water was cold, but bearable. A very Western-looking Lebanese family was relaxing in the lounge chairs: the father was working on his laptop and the mother was checking her phone, occasionally snapping a photo of her two boys, who would hide behind the lounge chairs, pointing their fingers like guns and shooting at each other with sound effects. When they started splashing in the waves, enacting some sort of amphibious assault, the mother went to the older boy, about ten, and had him take pictures of her knee-deep in the gentle waves. She spoke an Arabic peppered with English and French to her kids, and although she was wearing a bikini, she managed to cover herself up with a shawl when she posed for the photo.

  I’d noticed the family the night before, in the lobby. The father ran some sort of export company. Byblos used to be an ancient Phoenician port. The Lebanese have trading in their blood—some Levantine strain in the DNA.

  While he was snapping photos, the boy got sideswiped by an unexpected wave and the phone fell into the water. His mother got upset and scolded him in Arabic, tugging him by the ear. It was like an appendage of hers had fallen into an abyss, and while she was scolding him the phone got dragged out deeper than either she or her boys were willing to go.

  I watched the mother’s look of desperation and swam to where they were. Then I dove down and snatched the phone from what was only waist-deep water.

  The mother thanked me profusely, as did the embarrassed boy, and she offered to buy me coffee. I turned it down because I had to pack.

  The woman and her family were so polite and urbane, I thought. It was hard to imagine that just over the mountains, in Syria, they were shelling and massacring each other. But that’s how it is in conflicts.

  Back in my
room I laid all my stuff out on the bed: three T-shirts; two long-sleeve thermal cotton shirts; an extra pair of jeans; four pairs of socks; four pairs of underwear, three of which had been hanging out on the balcony to dry; my still-wet Speedo trunks, which I wrapped in plastic; a bathroom kit full of toothpaste, toothbrush and floss, Band-Aids and tourniquet; two Nikons, a D300 and a D100; my Mac Power-Book; a camera vest, and a heavy-duty ziplock bag of full of chargers, batteries and cables. I fit it all carefully into the duffel bag, making sure to maximize the limited amount of space, gave the room one more look-over, then threw on my light cotton jacket, ready to go.

  * * *

  FROM BYBLOS TO THE SYRIAN Border it was only about thirty miles as the crow flies. But because of the mountains I’d have to take a circuitous route. Most of my Lebanese contacts had come from a man named Robert Doueihy, a very sophisticated businessman from a prominent Maronite Christian family, whose forebears included some of modern Lebanon’s luminaries. A close associate of the family was a man they called “the Doctor.” He had a contact, a young Syrian man who worked as a smuggler, and this man had agreed to take me across the border into Syria. He was doing round-trips, carrying weapons and cash back and forth. The Doctor also had close contacts in Syria. I told him that I wanted to go into rebel-held territory north of Damascus. In the spring of 2013 rebels from the Free Syrian Army, a group of relatively moderate opposition fighters, controlled most of the area just over the Lebanese border as well as large parts of Homs and many suburbs of Damascus.

  They first took me to Beirut, where we holed up in a safe house. My driver told me we were in Hezbollah territory. All Lebanese over a certain age still remembered the war that tore the city apart in the 1970s and ’80s. I was born in 1979, so I was too young to remember. But one of my first political memories was the September 1986 wave of terrorist attacks in Paris, the city where I was born and raised until I was fourteen, when I moved to New York to live with my father. Every few days a bomb would explode in Paris. I learned that it had something to do with a place called Lebanon, with “that part of the world.” So despite the return to normality, everyone in Beirut still seemed a bit edgy. The volatile mix of Hezbollah Shia, Sunni Muslims, and Christians, especially with all the refugees from Syria, could explode at any moment. And in fact there had already been several car bombs in Lebanon since hostilities had broken out next door.

  As we were going through the downtown area our driver pointed to a street and said “Green Line,” referring to the demarcation line between Muslim West Beirut and Christian East Beirut—a no-man’s-land that had turned green during the war, overgrown with weeds, bushes, even trees, due to neglect.

  On April 19 we left Beirut for Arsal, a town in Lebanon, close to the border. In 2012 Arsal had been attacked by Assad’s forces, fanning fears that the conflict would engulf Lebanon as well. I sat in the backseat of a big pickup truck while an older gentleman, probably in his fifties and wearing a red keffiyeh, drove. The smuggler sat in the front passenger seat. We didn’t say a word to each other during the whole two-hour drive.

  We headed east toward the mountains, passing through the Bekaa Valley, then northeast to skirt the edge of Baalbek, a city known in ancient times as Heliopolis. I would have liked to stop and explore. When I was a teenager I wanted to be an archeologist—like Indiana Jones—and even took part in a few archeological digs: one in Spain when I was sixteen and two in France. I kept a book in which I collected photos of important ancient Roman sites. In fact, my first trip to Syria was in 2002, when I photographed various ruins there in order to add to that project. But I quickly realized that patiently sweeping aside layers of dirt to reveal artifacts buried in the earth could be deadly dull. So from there I turned to studying history, which became my major at the University of Chicago. Inevitably I was drawn to a more adrenaline-inducing path: examining history as it unfolds in real time.

  Syria lay just over the mountains about six miles to the east. And history was unfolding there with a vengeance. Instead of photographing millennial ruins in a static state, as I had in 2002, my intention was to record the very process of a civilization’s ruin. This process has always been complex and compelling. It sucked me and other combat reporters in like a vortex. And Syria in particular seemed to separate the professionals from the dilettantes. I couldn’t wait to get over the border and be in the thick of it again. But I’d been there the year before and was also aware that the whole country was rapidly descending into hell.

  * * *

  SOMETIMES THE SHIFT BETWEEN normality and a war zone can be abrupt. In many cases you’ll see a few checkpoints with armed soldiers to foreshadow the devastation ahead. Other times there’s nothing but a sense of emptiness, a vacuum that begs to be filled with mayhem.

  When we got to Arsal we had to drive through a few checkpoints, but they didn’t stop us. By the evening we arrived at the old driver’s house in a hilly area. They put me in the living room and laid a mattress on the ground for me. I’d been under the impression that they would smuggle me in that night, but they said no, you have to wait until the next day. I didn’t meet anyone from the old man’s family, I just slept there. My phone still had reception, so I sent a text to my father, who was in New York, to tell him I was safe and sound.

  I woke up the next morning and waited. Three men had come to the house. One was half-British, half-Syrian; another was chubby with a red beard; and the third walked with the help of crutches because of polio. They had just come from the Battle of Al-Qusayr; at that time the city of Al-Qusayr was still controlled by rebel forces fighting the Assad government. The men had been trying to get into the city, but their car got targeted. They said it was very dangerous, they were getting hit by Grad missiles, which are Russian-made truck-mounted 122 mm multiple rocket launchers that hail ordnance indiscriminately on a vast area. (In Russian, grad means hail.) The bombing got very intense, but they managed to escape and regroup in that house.

  Those men had been in Homs during the siege in February 2012, in the same house when Marie Colvin, the American journalist for the Sunday Times, was killed along with French photographer Rémi Ochlik. They described to me exactly what had happened: They had all been working out of the Homs press center, and apparently the Syrian government had picked up their satellite connection and shelled the area heavily with artillery. The man with crutches told me they got hit the first time and no one was killed; then, as they were waiting for another strike to come, they decided to get out of the building and go to another one. A group of them did, but Colvin and Ochlik refused—they thought it would be safer to stay put rather than risk moving through the streets. It was a mistake. The building was hit again; Colvin and Ochlik were killed. About seventeen rebels died trying to get the journalists out.

  So I knew I was going into a dangerous area, but I didn’t imagine it would be as bad as the Homs siege, where the whole city had been encircled.

  My plan wasn’t to go to Al-Qusayr, but rather to base myself farther south in Yabroud, which is only about fifty miles north of the Syrian capital. This would be safer than dodging grad missiles in a town that could fall any day to government and Hezbollah forces, I thought.

  There was no way of knowing where the border was. Occasionally there was a checkpoint. At one of them, still in Lebanon, we were directed to pull over. A soldier wearing forest-green camouflage and white tennis shoes approached us and looked into the car. He leaned into the open window and cocked his head at me. The driver explained in Arabic who I was.

  “Camera,” the soldier said to me directly. “Show me your camera.”

  I did. He looked at it blankly and then pressed closer to the driver’s ear, like he was about to kiss him. The driver mumbled something and opened the compartment between the two seats in the front of the pickup truck. In it there were stacks of hundred-dollar bills—tens of thousands of dollars, seemingly. He didn’t pull any of them out, just showed them. I didn’t understand what they were saying to each other in Ar
abic, but I could more or less get the drift. We’re messengers for the Doctor. This is money meant to keep the rebellion going.

  The soldier tapped the roof of the car, stood back, and waved us onward.

  Not long after that, as we were picking up momentum on the road, a loud whistle broke over the sound of gravel crunching under our tires. On the horizon, in the valley, a missile whizzed by.

  “Scud,” the driver said, almost proudly. “From Bashar.” As he pronounced Assad’s name, he added a few words in Arabic, and one of them I recognized as some version of “dog.”

  I knew we were only a couple of miles from the border, but there was no sign of any demarcation. No signpost, no soldiers, only goods being ferried back and forth. And if I did see the Scud missile as a bad omen, I still had no clue that I myself might be considered one of these goods.

  We drove for what seemed like hours over a dirt road cutting through dry, rolling hills into the Qalamoun Mountains. The smuggler sat shotgun and the older man drove. They weren’t very friendly.

  Suddenly the driver turned to me and said “Syria” as he pointed all around. I felt my heart drop a notch toward my stomach—thinking, Oh shit, now I’m in Syria. Then my phone lost all reception.

  * * *

  WE GOT TO YABROUD as it was getting dark. The small city of about twenty-five thousand people was in rebel-held territory and it had a large Christian population. Once we stopped, a few other men showed up and greeted me very cordially, as if I were a guest they’d been expecting for a long time. Then they put me back into the car and we drove deeper into town.

  When we got out they led me into a storefront that must have been a dental lab. On the left, as you entered, there was a worktable where two young men in their twenties were making imprints and casts of false teeth, sculpting and polishing dentures. I’d never seen false teeth being made before. It was a mess, there was powder everywhere. It looked more like a cobbler’s shop than a dental lab.