I Hate This Place Read online

  Life is like a bowl.

  Each man is an island.

  Another day, another sixty-eight cents.

  You win some, I lose some.

  Life: live it, you don't have a choice anyway.

  Whenever I go, there I am, and I hate this place.

  A Final Note from the Pessimist

  First of all, I would like to thank you for purchasing and reading this collection of life's ordinary occurrences as seen through my eyes (unless you stole this book or got it as a gift). If I made you look at the world in a different way or made you laugh at my day-to-day realizations, then I did my job. I let you see the world of a pessimist, and as you can probably tell, it's not much fun.

  But a word of caution: if the revelations in this book made you feel a bit depressed, then you have read the book wrong. Go back to the start and read it again, remembering that I’m the pessimist, not you. If you are still depressed, then you might be a pessimist yourself, and I seriously suggest that you get some help and start reading those meditational “find your soul” type of books. I don't mind helping others, since we pessimists have to stick together. But if you ever see me on the street, please don't say “Hi” because I probably wouldn't want to hear anything you have to say anyway.

  Until then, don't keep reaching for the stars, because you'll just look like an idiot, stretching like that for no reason.

  Sincerely,

  The Pessimist

  About the Authors

  Jimmy Fallon and Gloria Fallon were born a year apart in Brooklyn, New York, to Jim and Gloria Fallon (yes, you read that correctly), and were raised upstate in Saugerties. They both attended college in the Albany area. After college the two Fallons went their separate ways, moving to Los Angeles and Boston respectively. I Hate This Place started as cross-country e-mail messages between brother and sister, who were making each other laugh while they were miles apart. With Jimmy's background in comedy and Gloria's background in writing, the two decided to write a book, which is what you are holding now. While they are excited about having their first book published, the Fallons still hate this place.

  People seem to enjoy saying “Is this glass half-full or half-empty?” They stop smiling when I say “It'll be empty when I pour it over your head.”

  JIMMY FALLON is a Grammy Award-nominated comedian and cast member on Saturday Night Live. His sister GLORIA FALLON is an award-winning writer and fashion columnist based in New York City. They both still hate this place.