Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Read online

  To summarize, let’s return to the analogy of your teen’s emotional brain resembling a car starting its engine. This particular neural “car,” throughout adolescence, will remain sensitive to feelings and urges (think “gas pedal”). This vehicle will also lack fully wired executive functioning (think “brakes”). Your teen is driving around with a hot accelerator and brakes that haven’t been fully wired to the rest of the car. As your teen’s brain integrates and myelinates, resulting in faster, more efficient connections, things get easier for the vast majority of teens (and their beleaguered parents). In the meantime, a great deal of patient instruction and grace is required.

  Happily, heightened arousal in the limbic system can also produce some fantastic outcomes. Channeled in healthy ways, teenage energy and exuberance often inspire us. Increased emotional intensity associated with limbic system development can enhance vitality. Simply “shutting off” your teenager’s limbic system isn’t the answer. Instead, we have to take a higher road as parents and model for our children how to process and express emotions.

  Psych 101

  As parents, we are called to model emotional health to our children, guiding and instructing them as they respond to different emotional situations. The trouble is, many parents don’t know how to do this themselves.

  Indeed, when intense emotions erupt, many parents revert to juvenile methods of dealing with conflict. I’ve been guilty of it; you probably have too. Sometimes you may feel justified, like I did, in giving full vent to your emotions. After all, how will they learn if my tone doesn’t communicate how serious this is? you may reason. Don’t be deceived; your unrestrained emotional reaction doesn’t teach your teenager anything positive.

  In order to model healthy emotional experience and expression, consider the following:

  If need be, walk away. Or get a drink of water. Unlike when your child was a toddler, you don’t have to rely on immediacy to make your point. Adolescents have the capacity to connect past behavior with present consequences. Indeed, it can be highly effective to say, “Unfortunately, I am angry. I don’t want to discuss this until I have calmed down. We’ll address this later.” Give yourself time to evaluate the situation, pray, and come up with a strategy for approaching your teen when you’ve had a chance to cool off.

  Name it to tame it. In other words, know your own emotion and verbalize it calmly. Instead of, “Your behavior disgusts me,” I could have tried, “I’m feeling angry and disappointed. I would like all of us to stop talking for two minutes so we can cool down.” For some of you, naming and taming will be harder than it sounds. When an emotional volcano explodes inside you, it’s sometimes difficult to tease out the feeling or thought at the conflict’s root. Finding respectful words to label your own emotion—and doing this using an “I” rather than a “you” statement—engages your prefrontal cortex, which forces your brain systems to work together. You can help your teen to do this as well. After the heat of the situation has cooled, you can ask a question like, “What one emotion are you feeling most right now?” to start a dialogue.

  Evaluate outcomes. That morning, I saw my daughters’ skirmish as an inconvenience, a disruption to my peace and schedule. I didn’t view it as a chance to help them see the consequences of their emotions. In other words, I missed the chance to lead them, to help them evaluate their hearts. Conflict can be an exceptional opportunity for growth. After you’ve helped your teen to name his or her emotion, try asking something along these lines: “What did you hope to gain through your ___________ (use an emotion word like anger, worry, jealousy, etc.)?” Allow your adolescent to answer. Then ask, “What did you actually get?” If you’re thinking, “Wow. This is kind of complicated,” you’re right. There aren’t shortcuts to developing heart awareness. But more than any other emotional goal for your adolescent, you should pursue emotional intelligence, “the ability to monitor one’s own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.”2

  Don’t be a diversion. When you lose emotional control, your adolescent diverts energy to evaluating your behavior rather than his or her own. You don’t want this. Instead, keeping your cool forces your teenager’s feelings and the heart motives behind them to the surface. In a fascinating series of studies, researchers determined that when adolescents fixate on the emotions of others, their ability to process other information weakens. In other words, your angry expression and tone dulls your teenager’s capacity to hear the content of your message. If you want to have an effective conversation with your adolescent, don’t allow your emotion to distract him or her from what you’re communicating.

  Let your teen have the last word. This is particularly challenging for me as a dad, especially when I feel right. But foolish pride means having to get in the last word. Going at your teen with a tit-for-tat, “we’ll see who wins” mentality actually ensures a lose-lose situation. Mature pride means modeling patience and humility. When the last words to echo in your teen’s brain are his or her own irrational ones, it’s easier for you to confront this behavior later. “The last word” is something you can actively choose to surrender. In saying this, we don’t encourage you to dismiss vulgar or offensive slams uttered by your teen. Even to these, however, you can calmly respond with a statement like, “I will not insult you in return, nor will I stay here to be insulted. We will discuss this later.” A good rule of thumb is that the angrier you feel inside, the calmer and quieter you should endeavor to keep your voice. This effort will help balance the force intense emotions usually infuse into your expression—facial and verbal.

  Lay down your weapons. When emotions run high, it’s easy to lash out with demeaning, accusatory words. Teens automatically counterattack or shut down. Stop participating in the war (after all, fighting is an act of cooperation in which both parties have to keep going). Instead of launching a grenade like, “You’re so irresponsible!” when you find out at 9:00 p.m. your teen hasn’t started the five-page paper due tomorrow, try naming your feeling and putting the ball back in your teenager’s court: “I feel frustrated with this situation. What do you plan on doing?” You can also neutralize arguing by turning statements into thoughtful questions. Instead of “You never put your laundry in the basket! What do you think this is, a hotel?” you can ask, “Where do I expect you to put the laundry? What do you expect might happen if you continue to leave it on the floor?” Direct questions cause teens to engage their prefrontal cortexes; in other words, to think rather than simply respond with emotion. As we discussed earlier, teens often don’t know the answer to “Why?,” so stretch beyond repeatedly asking this. When in doubt, revert to questions that require thought. The more we can help teens use their prefrontal cortexes to regulate emotions, the better.

  Focus on what you can control. Remember, you cannot “make” your teen do, think, or feel anything. You can only control your own thoughts and behavior. Because you know this (even though you may not always feel it), focus on what’s within your control by telling your teen what you’re going to do and not do. Don’t waste your breath, energy, or opportunity by telling adolescents what they will or won’t do. You can’t enforce it, and you lose the chance to influence when you attempt to clamp down. We like using Jim Fay and Foster Cline’s simple statement: “I am not going to argue with you.”3 When you stop arguing without trying to make them stop, you model for your teens the truth that self-control is possible. When you desperately try to control the situation, you model that this is a parent-approved method of dealing with conflict. In doing so, both of you lose.

  Factor in extenuating circumstances. The teenage brain is highly “state-dependent.” What this means is that when teens are well rested, well fed, and dealing with fewer stressors, their integrative functions (i.e., the ability of their “rational brain” to keep their “emotional brain” in check) work more efficiently. Conversely, when adolescents are exhausted, hungr
y, premenstrual (for girls), or under undue pressure, it will be more difficult for their brain systems to work together. Have mercy on your teen. Take into account what may be going on with your teen under the surface. Studies show that people with overall healthier diets and better patterns of exercise experience less conflict in their lives. Those who sleep soundly have less anxiety and report more satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships. Perhaps these factors are playing into your own emotional reactions.

  Faith 101

  Conflict with your adolescent may very well be one of the greatest trials of your life. Whether marked by vicious rage, snarky sarcasm, passive-aggression, or icy indifference, the emotions your teen experiences and expresses impact you powerfully. God understands this. In fact, as our heavenly Father, he knows well how a parent feels when a child’s emotions overrun reason. For such times as these, the Holy Spirit empowers us to act with love and wisdom.

  Galatians 5:22–23 describes the benefits of close connection with the Holy Spirit: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (ESV). The closer you choose to walk with God, the better able you will be to display kindness, gentleness, patience, and self-control during the trial of teenage emotionalism.

  As much as we’d like to avoid difficulties, God often uses trials to mature us. Conflict with your teenager is an opportunity for growth—in both of you—if you allow God to use it for redemptive purposes. That’s why his Word commands us to “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2–4).

  Most of us would like to be mature and complete, not lacking anything, without having to go through trials of many kinds. That’s not an option. We can only view trials with “pure joy” when we see them as opportunities to become who God designed us to be. We believe that you want your teenager to become everything God created him or her to be; you wouldn’t be reading this book if you weren’t interested in that. The trial of emotional conflict is one instrument God will use to accomplish his purpose in your adolescent’s life. Expect it.

  Troubles arise when we see a teen’s hot “accelerator” (limbic system) and not-fully-wired “brakes” (prefrontal cortex) as an intrusion on our lives. We often respond poorly to our teens because their emotions disrupt our plans and desires. In other words, we try to secure our own happiness at all costs. Though God longs for us to experience joy in life, happiness isn’t our highest goal; holiness is. When we genuinely live out this truth, we can view conflict as an occasion for growth in godliness—our teen’s and our own.

  Try It Today

  You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Pick your battles.” We’d like to alter that counsel a bit and encourage you to sort your battles. If you classify every issue into two categories, either a battle or not, you miss the chance to teach your teen negotiation.

  In her excellent book Inside the Teenage Brain, Dr. Sheryl Feinstein urges parents to write down the top ten sources of tension with their teenager. What do you and your adolescent argue about most? Go ahead and start your list right now!

  Now look carefully at each of these conflicts and sort them into three groups:

  We need to establish a firm boundary here.

  We can negotiate.

  We can let this go.

  If you identify all ten conflicts as #1 issues, you may benefit from having an objective outsider (perhaps a friend, mentor, pastor, or counselor) evaluate your list with you. Not every issue requires a top-down mandate. There should be some room for negotiation in areas that create conflict between you and your teen.

  You will better train your adolescent to regulate him- or herself if you practice decision-making, negotiation, and the ability to evaluate the outcomes of choices with them. Indeed, allowing a teen to figure out “on his own” that what he thought he wanted isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be can be an incredibly effective method of instruction.

  Over the next twenty-four hours, do this sorting exercise. Then actively let at least one conflict go (perhaps how your teen wears her hair) and negotiate another. You’re helping your teen’s brain to integrate, so take a deep breath. You’re doing great!

  9

  Why Are You Looking at Me Like That?

  Jennifer stood at the kitchen sink, tackling a mound of dishes. The noise of the garage door opening announced that sixteen-year-old Maddi was home. Drying her hands, Jennifer turned around just as Maddi entered the kitchen. “Hi, honey! How was school?”

  Maddi tossed her backpack on the counter and opened the fridge. She stood for a couple moments in silence, staring into the fridge, and then shut the door with a sigh. “Mom,” she started, “I have to be at Rachel’s house at 6:30 tonight to work on our chem project.”

  In the split second it took Jen to process this information, recognizing that picking her son up from soccer practice, getting to the cleaners, finishing dinner, and driving Maddi to study group couldn’t all happen by 6:30, Maddi exploded.

  “Why do you always look at me like that? I can’t help it that you still haven’t let me get my license. I’ve been sixteen for three weeks and I’m still in car pool. This is totally ridiculous. You freak out no matter what I ask for.”

  Jen’s temper flared a bit, but she forced herself to speak evenly. “Honey, I was just trying to figure out how I could make it all happen.”

  “Fine! I’ll just tell Rachel she has to do the project by herself,” Maddi retorted.

  Tears brimmed hot in Maddi’s eyes, and Jen cocked her head to the side, totally baffled by the situation and fighting the rising frustration of being completely misunderstood. For some reason indecipherable to Jen, her expression of confusion spiked her daughter’s fury further.

  “See! You always look at me like I’m an idiot. Just leave me alone!”

  Storming out of the kitchen in tears, Maddi left her mother utterly perplexed and more than a little peeved. What in the world just happened?

  Bio 101

  Statistics show that communication succeeds or fails based on the combination of several factors. The words we speak are only a percentage—often a small percentage—of effective communication. Indeed, according to some research, only 7 percent of our communication corresponds to content, whereas tone of voice and nonverbal cues make up 38 and 55 percent of communication, respectively.1 A startling 93 percent of our communication is nonverbal!

  Most parents of adolescents can recount a tale (or twelve!) of communication gone wrong. When two imperfect humans are in relationship, plenty of “run-of-the-mill” misunderstandings will crop up. That’s par for the course. During the teen years, however, the daily irritation and confusion that can accompany communication seem to take on a particularly intense dynamic. Perhaps the situation in your home doesn’t typically dissolve into tearful outrage as it did for Maddi and Jen. Your teenage son may get a glazed, apathetic look and sit in stony silence rather than exploding in anger. A combination of eruption and ennui may plague your household.

  Bottom line: communicating with a teenager can be complex and confounding. This isn’t just anecdotally true; neurobiological studies clearly demonstrate that misconstruing nonverbal cues is highly likely during the adolescent years.

  If you’ve ever heard a teen say, “Why are you looking at me like that?” you may be relieved to know that understanding the physiological dynamics at play can help you endure and respond to the nearly universal communication struggle parents face when raising adolescents.

  As we’ve seen throughout this book, during the process of neural pruning, different areas of the brain are under construction, being remodeled for greater efficiency, speed, and strength. When certain segments of an adolescent’s brain2 are being refined, decoding nonverbal cues—particularly facial expressions—becomes signif
icantly more difficult for a teenager.

  In groundbreaking research,3 Dr. Deborah Yurgelun-Todd discovered that adults and teenagers interpret facial expressions in very different ways and with very different degrees of success.

  Psychologists group human facial expressions into six basic categories. Of course, many nuanced expressions of emotion exist, but the broad categories of anger, fear, disgust, surprise, happiness, and sadness encompass many variations. Adults almost invariably identify these expressions accurately.

  Dr. Yurgelun-Todd’s team performed fMRI scans of adult and adolescent volunteers while they viewed images of various facial expressions. Study participants were then asked to identify the emotion associated with each image. When presented with a face registering fear, 100 percent of adults correctly categorized the emotion.

  What about the adolescents? Only 50 percent deciphered it accurately. A full half of the adolescent participants misinterpreted this facial expression. Some teens suggested the image represented anger or aggression. Others posited shock or confusion. Some simply couldn’t come up with an answer apart from “I don’t know.”

  Dr. Yurgelun-Todd also reported that misperceptions were common regardless of the teen’s apparent level of sophistication, which means that even adolescents who display mature communication skills in other arenas may struggle to correctly perceive the emotion behind facial expressions. No wonder misunderstandings abound during the teen years!

  Other research provides additional clues as to why parents and teens often experience a gulf in understanding. As they studied how adolescents decode basic facial expressions, Dr. Yolanda van Beek and Dr. Judith Semon Dubas discovered that teens often attribute negative emotion even to neutral facial expressions.4 Additional findings based on fMRIs also indicate that when shown a neutral face, adolescents respond with the “emotional center” of the brain, the limbic system,5 whereas adults interpret the same facial expression with the brain’s center of judgment and reasoning, the prefrontal cortex.6