Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Read online

  What the researchers did find was hyperrational thinking—teens weighing the potential positive outcomes more heavily in the presence of their peers than when alone. Even more fascinating is that teens took more risks when they assumed their peers were watching, though in fact they were playing in isolation.

  Here’s why this is significant for parents:

  Circumstances count. This study and numerous others demonstrate that a teen’s capacity to exercise good judgment is directly impacted by context. Physical, social, and spiritual circumstances can strengthen or undermine your teen’s decision-making and cognitive processing. Hyperrational thinking occurs more often in highly charged emotional or social situations. Judgment deteriorates when teens believe the rewards of an action—even a dangerous one—will outweigh the negative consequences, and this happens more readily when teens are upset, excited, or tired. Exhaustion and stress can interfere with prefrontal functioning (good judgment, forethought, and decision-making) at any age, but the tenuous, under-construction circuits of your teen’s brain are more vulnerable. Bottom line, teens make better choices when they have enough sleep, good nutrition, and lower stress levels. Adolescents exercise better judgment when their peer groups reward one another for what’s truly positive, not what could be epic. You can help teens discover fun, exciting, and healthy ways to get the dopamine release they crave. Desiring the dopamine rush is not the problem; getting it in unhealthy ways is. Don’t mistake the two.

  Reward your teen for self-control and good judgment. Research shows that under positive circumstances, free of distractions and overly emotional reactions or social pressures, older adolescents are capable of self-control when they know success will be rewarded.6 It’s difficult for many adults to deal with anger, overstimulation, or exhaustion, but for a teen, whose brain circuits are still under construction, it’s exponentially more challenging. Show that you recognize this and reward your teen when he or she makes good decisions. Grant a special privilege (perhaps a later curfew for an event) when you’ve seen good judgment at play. Connect self-control and good decision-making with reward, and next time a hyperrational thought darts into your teen’s mind, the potential pro of a reward from you may outweigh other, competing drives and desires.

  Engage surrogate prefrontal cortexes. In other words, surround your teen with adults—coaches, pastors, mentors, friends of the family, or family members—who have fully-developed executive functioning. As we get older (and if we get wiser), we realize when we can do things on our own and when we need help. Your teen’s brain needs support from those who know how to use their brains and do so even in charged situations.

  Establish clear boundaries. Having well-defined boundaries enables your teen to factor important details into the equation when hyperrational thoughts come. With teens, succinct and clear limits help tremendously. In setting boundaries, we encourage you to refrain from issuing threats, causing your hyperrational teen to calculate, for example, whether it’s worth a month’s grounding to disobey. Sometimes teens weigh the punishment and decide—in a hyperrationally adolescent manner—that they’ll take it. Instead, let your teen know that boundaries exist and will be enforced if needed. For some teens, specifying a consequence becomes a game of chicken that nobody wins.7

  Let reality do the talking. Whenever possible, let natural consequences teach your teen about hyperrational thinking so you can stay supportive. If you let the world teach your adolescent a lesson, you can stay “on their team.” You might say, for example, “That’s too bad about your gym teacher not allowing you to wear your fedora during PE. What would the world be like without these limitations?”

  Promote neural integration. As teens mature into adulthood, their brain systems will work with one another more efficiently and effectively. The area of the brain most impacted by hyperrational thinking—the prefrontal cortex—is one of the last areas to mature, but during the pruning and remodeling stage, it gets better at enlisting other brain regions to support its important work.

  Brain fMRI scans of adults, children, and adolescents reveal that when engaged in self-control challenges, adolescents show less widespread neural activation than both their younger and older counterparts. Children have what clinicians call a “diffuse and scattershot pattern,” while adult brains display highly coordinated activity across various brain systems, similar to the swift and efficient play of experienced athletes versus the “disorganized play of kids who know the basic rules but haven’t yet figured out the intricacies of team play.”8

  Just as teamwork on the athletic field increases with practice and connection between players, brain integration occurs as nonneighboring brain regions make physical connections via white matter “wiring” (myelination). Remember, the process of myelination is, in many ways, the ultimate use it or lose it prospect. An adolescent’s brain will continue to lay down the neural cables connecting various brain networks into his or her midtwenties, and adults can promote neural integration by exposing teens to experiences and equipping them with resources that build good decision-making skills and model wise judgment. Reading quality books, evaluating the behavior and judgments—both good and bad—on display in film and television, and discussing news that highlights people using or lacking executive functions like planning, forethought, and so on are free and effective ways to help coordinate and integrate your teen’s brain.

  Faith 101

  What would your teenager say in response to the question, “Do you think God wants you to have an exciting life?” How would you answer that question?

  In John 10:10, Jesus clearly indicates that the life he died to give us is more than simply plodding along. Various translations indicate that Christ offers us life “to the full,” life “abundantly” (ESV), a “rich and satisfying life” (NLT), or “more and better life than they ever dreamed of” (Message). We love how the late Dr. Dallas Willard rendered this verse: “life to the limit.”9

  Unfortunately, many teens see the Christian life as anything but a wild adventure of faith. Many adults suffer from this same misconception. We’re certainly not insinuating that everything in life will be fun, but life in Christ isn’t routine. We were made for real life.

  Centuries ago, Iraneus proclaimed, “The glory of God is a man fully alive.”10 Does this describe your life? Can your teen see this is true? Do you need to stop plodding and “let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God’s life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness” (1 Pet. 1:16 Message)?

  In a fascinating way, the entire journey of faith begins with a hyperrational decision. When Jesus first called his disciples, they immediately left their fishing nets (see Matt. 4:20; Mark 1:18). Certainly, the disciples emphasized the positive possibilities and downplayed the negatives, but they did it because they had faith in the right thing, or rather person: Jesus himself.

  The biggest problem with your teen’s hyperrational thinking is not that it’s there, but rather that he or she often places faith in the wrong things: the approval of people, momentary pleasure, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life (see 1 John 2:16). What if teens actually believed that the ultimate reward was life to the limit, the life Jesus offers? Perhaps they would weigh what is true, good, worthwhile, and pure more heavily if they perceived us living a life energetic and blazing with holiness.

  Try It Today: Take a Risk with Your Teen

  When was the last time you did something exhilarating with your teen? When did you last have a breathless-with-fun moment together? Too often on the path of parenting we forget to stop and—in neurological terms—experience the dopamine surge.

  During a blood moon, I woke our then thirteen-year-old daughter up at midnight to view the phenomenon. I invited her onto the roof with me, and as she took my hand to climb onto the Spanish tile, she hesitated.

  “Isn’t it dangerous?” she asked.

  “Yes, but I can help you.”

  Neither of us will forget taking that risk together.

&n
bsp; Seize any opportunity with your teenager. Ride the roller coaster. Go parasailing. Ask what your teen is interested in doing and do it. Take a risk and build your relationship.

  6

  But Nothing Happened

  “Mom, there’s a police officer at the door.”

  Words no mother wants to hear.

  My (Jerusha’s) mom spent the next hour with Officer Grayson and my younger brother, piecing together a story that included an empty house on the property next door, two middle school boys who were convinced that a drug cartel was using the abandoned dwelling and they’d be heroes if they discovered the hidden loot, a collection of broken windows, and other assorted damage. A story no mother wants to hear.

  Teenagers notoriously make impulsive and foolish choices. In the wake of their adolescent’s risk-taking, parents inevitably want to know why their kid would make such a rash judgment, why their teenager didn’t think things through, and what in the world they can do to prevent this from happening again. Are risky behavior, impulsivity, and poor self-control just part and parcel of the teenage experience?

  In short, yes.

  Drat!

  Does that mean there’s nothing we can do? Absolutely not!

  Understanding what’s happening in your son’s or daughter’s brain can equip you to navigate the unpredictable, impetuous landscape of adolescence and help your teen do so as well. And here’s even better news: this involves more than simply surviving; you and your teen can thrive as you explore why risk appeals to teens and how to channel that energy in healthy ways.

  Bio 101

  As we’ve seen in the past two chapters, the drive to explore novel experiences and hyperrational thinking dramatically influence adolescent decision-making. We observed that lower baseline levels of dopamine and capacity for higher release incite teenage sensation seeking. Overvaluing reward and underestimating risk (hyperrational thinking) complicates matters further. The combination of an under-construction command center (prefrontal cortex) and highly charged emotional center (limbic system) in your teen’s brain can lead to behaviors ranging from mildly distressing to outright perilous.

  Because brain systems prune, myelinate, and integrate at different rates, developmental time lags occur. This is particularly true of brain structures that excite teenage emotions and urges and those that enable adolescents to keep their impulses in check. Dr. Laurence Steinberg describes this brilliantly: teenage brains are like cars with supersensitive gas pedals and poor brakes.1 They’re magnificent at acceleration and seriously challenged in inhibition. Since we know that the brain’s “braking system” (the prefrontal cortex) continues to mature into the early twenties and adolescence begins around eleven or twelve, parents and their teens often endure more than a decade of potential poor-brakes problems. It will help you to expect that teens will make some poor choices and be ready to help them through it.

  Expectation impacts parenting in profound ways. Perhaps you’ve worked hard to train your son or daughter to think about the potential consequences of a decision. It’s natural for you to hope that he or she would act consistently with the knowledge you’ve imparted. If this is where your assumptions stop, however, you’ll likely experience disappointment throughout the teen years. You must factor in the reality that your adolescent’s judgment, planning, impulse control, and discernment are under construction; they are works still in progress.

  If you’ve invested the time during childhood to lay a foundation of wisdom, you will reap the benefits . . . eventually. Don’t be discouraged if you and your teen hit some speed bumps along the way; it doesn’t mean everything you’ve done has been for naught.

  If you feel like you failed during your son’s or daughter’s early days, remember the good news of neuroplasticity: your teen’s brain is remarkably pliable during adolescence. Don’t lose heart; instead, seize the opportunity to make changes while the brain is malleable! Helping your teen lay a foundation of wisdom and good judgment will require a different approach than it would have in childhood, but God will guide those who ask for his help (see James 1:5–6).

  It will also help you tremendously to expect that determining when to do or not do something will be difficult for your adolescent. This simple (though far from easy) paradigm shift in your thinking will enable you to approach your teen’s impulsivity with greater patience and wisdom. Self-control is a challenge for all of us, and you can best help impetuous teens not by becoming frustrated with their lack of forethought but rather by demonstrating self-regulation in your own life, reinforcing good choices, and showing empathy when your teen blows it.

  Remember, the teen brain is highly sensitive to reward (indeed, far more sensitive to reward than to punishment), so find your adolescent’s “currency” (what gets him or her really excited) and offer it as an incentive. Address poor choices and disobedience with firm and loving discipline, but don’t stop with “giving a consequence.”2 Reinforce appropriate behavior. In addition, repeat “what happens when” stories to your teen, filling his or her mind with the possible outcomes of particular decisions. We don’t recommend you do this as a scare technique but rather because the neural equipment to do this for themselves is undergoing serious remodeling.

  The teen brain responds well to the repetition of real-life stories, in part because prospective memory, an important executive-level function of the prefrontal cortex, does not mature until the end of adolescence. Prospective memory enables a person to determine in advance to perform a task at a future time—for instance, not throwing a rock through the window of an abandoned house since that didn’t go over so well last time.

  Research consistently shows that a teen’s prospective memory develops slowly and unevenly during adolescence. It often appears to be suffering (or even nonexistent) during the middle and high school years. By sharing stories about risk and consequence, adults can act as surrogate prefrontal cortexes for a teenager whose prospective memory is under construction. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming “It’ll go in one ear and out the other” or “They’re going to do what they want anyway.” You have a responsibility and an opportunity now that you know the teen brain struggles with an overactive accelerator, a less-than-perfect braking system, and a developing prospective memory. Commit to showing empathy for your teen’s predicament, rehearsing truth to him or her, and setting limits when he or she won’t. You can bemoan the biological realities, or you can act based on the knowledge you’re gaining. Because your prefrontal cortex has been remodeled, we’re trusting you can make the wise decision.

  Psych 101

  The next time your teen acts recklessly, wait before asking “Why?” Reality is, your adolescent may be as perplexed by his or her own behavior as you are. Responding to impulses from an under-construction brain often places your teen in pedal-to-the-metal, brakes-offline situations. If your adolescent knew the answer to “Why?,” it would be easier for both of you. Most of the time, however, there’s more at play than can be addressed with a simple response to “Why?”

  We encourage you to ask open-ended, heart-revealing questions instead. Try one or more of the following:

  What were you hoping to gain by doing . . . ?

  What did you think would happen if you . . . or after you . . . ?

  What has happened since you did or said . . . that you didn’t foresee or wouldn’t want to repeat?

  What was your plan if . . . happened?

  If your son or daughter answers “I don’t know” to these questions, don’t throw in the towel. Take a deep breath and remember what’s happening inside his or her marvelous but currently muddled mind. Offer empathy with statements like, “I can see how you might have thought or hoped that X would happen.” Provide an example to fill their prospective memory: “If you find yourself in a situation like this in the future, you could consider . . .”

  Doing this in as calm a manner as possible is essential. Remember, your teen’s emotional center (limbic system) is highly aroused; your re
activity will only supercharge it! Remaining composed is incredibly difficult when faced with risky behavior. You have the neural wiring to exert emotional self-control, however. Use it.

  Emotionally manipulating adolescents into feeling bad about what they’ve done produces little. As neuroscientist Dr. Deborah Yurgelun-Todd observed, “Good judgment is learned, but you can’t learn it if you don’t have the necessary hardware.”3 Shaming teens or becoming angry with them in the wake of poor choices is about as effective as making a first-grader feel bad for not being able to multiply fractions. We need to focus our energies in the right place: helping teens strengthen the “hardware” necessary for wise decision-making.

  Here are some specific ways to do that:

  Talk about time. Adolescents, especially younger adolescents, struggle with the concept of time. When asked about “the future,” the typical middle schooler thinks about 3:00 p.m., when school gets out. You can imagine how this might lead to shortsighted decisions! Because time is such an abstract concept and abstract reasoning comes online throughout adolescence, it’s often challenging for teens to imagine how their decisions might impact “the future.” Even older adolescents, including college undergraduates, need help sorting out how choices may open or close doors of opportunity and how risk-taking today can impact not only tomorrow but years beyond too. Short, frequent conversations with your teen about this will be helpful.

  Discuss risky adolescent “games” with your teen. Researchers have tied video streaming websites, computer games, and social contagion (the “copycat phenomenon”) to a rise in dangerous “play” among adolescents.4 We don’t include this information to frighten you. Indeed, we think it’s a problem that, more often than not, media hype surrounding teenage behavior creates panic rather than fostering understanding and facilitating solutions. That said, as a parent you should be aware of the suggestions for “fun” to which your adolescent is exposed. Educate yourself about these and ask teens if they’ve heard of the activities, what they think about them, and what they plan to do if friends want to, for instance, car surf, “vodka eyeball,” or play the choking game.