Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Read online

  Bio 101

  Until approximately age eleven, children reason concretely, which means they think in “here and now,” “what’s right in front of me” terms. Facts interest small children more than ideas. When they ask, Why?, most kids are looking for a simple, causal explanation.

  Things change with adolescence as a significant cognitive development occurs: the growth of abstract reasoning. With maturing neural pathways and higher-order thinking, adolescents begin to engage in what classical thinkers call “dialectic,” the examination and discussion of opposing ideas in order to discover truth.

  It’s crucial that parents recognize and respect the development of abstract reasoning as an essential process. This in no way excuses bad behavior. It does, however, enable us to understand adolescents better, communicate with them compassionately, and use our knowledge of what’s happening neurologically to build up, rather than undermine, our relationships.

  When Eric and I made those foolish decisions in Mr. Baker’s backyard, we thought concretely. We didn’t reason sequentially or draw conclusions from the evidence at hand. We focused on how funny it was “here and now,” not on why we shouldn’t be doing what we were doing, what might happen, or how it would impact others.

  By contrast, just a few years later, my brother and I reasoned in an abstract way, taking in the facts of the situation, weighing them against what we knew could and likely would happen, and processing it before making a decision. I wasn’t a perfect abstract thinker; in fact, as I made my way toward adulthood, I did plenty of careless things. That day, however, as Mikey reveled in his muddy escapade, all the right brain systems were online. My dad, who—unlike my uncle—didn’t have to pay to detail the Jag, was certainly grateful!

  Abstract reasoning involves the ability to analyze information, detect patterns and relationships, and understand multiple dynamics and meanings. It also includes thinking creatively and solving problems on a complex level, with intangible and nonverbal dimensions.

  Whereas children (i.e., concrete thinkers) look at things on a surface level and use facts to solve problems in a lateral and literal way, adolescents slowly move beyond specifics, reasoning in terms of generalizations, ideas, and deeper meanings.

  For parents, this can be all at once wonderful and terrifying. With the advent of abstract reasoning comes an avalanche of questions, “Why?” being a favorite. When they’ve asked to stay out past their normal curfew and you’ve said no, most teens aren’t satisfied with the answer, “Because I said so.” They want to know (and usually argue with) your logic. Engaging in dialogue with a beginning abstract thinker can feel like torture. But we must move past the frustrations and inconveniences of our adolescents’ journeys and see the beauty behind their developing reason. Without these new skills, our children won’t become the men and women of character and conviction we want them to be.

  When we begin to see adolescents moving toward a deeper understanding of the implications of ideas, actions, and their consequences, we often expect them to integrate these new capacities into their daily life—now! However, the development of abstract reasoning is a process that moves forward in fits and starts.

  In his book A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Brains, youth expert Mark Oestreicher observes, “You might rightly assume that young teenagers will more often be in concrete-land, and that older teenagers should have a decent working use of abstraction, but it’s not that simple, unfortunately. . . . Teenagers shift in and out of it constantly in their long march to conquer it and make it useful. In the meantime, throughout the teenage years, kids are thinking concretely one moment and dabbling in abstraction the next.”1

  It’s extraordinarily important that we allow adolescents to practice their abstract reasoning abilities, help teenagers hone these new skills, and exercise compassionate patience when they get mixed up and turned around. The consequences of a particular choice may seem obvious to you, but keep in mind that while “teenagers possess the ability to speculate . . . they’re not very good at it.” Oestreicher continues, “It’s like a brand-new muscle that’s just been added to their repertoire of thinking abilities—but it’s a weak, flabby muscle that’s never been used. Speculation takes practice and requires regular use before it’s dependable and immediately available without intentionality.”2

  Your adolescent’s brain is busy asking questions, sorting facts, comparing details, and practicing the newfound ability to draw generalizations and form ideas. Symbolism takes on new power. Exploring complex dimensions of justice, faith, and relationships becomes a passion for some teens. In terms of classical thinking, this stage is called dialectic because dialogue is a key component of developing abstract reasoning skills.

  As parent to an adolescent, you are called to engage in this dialogue for the purpose of growing your teen’s ability to perceive clearly, think deeply, and make sound judgments. As teens grow older, they will want to figure out problems and even teach you things. Be open to this important development, as willingness to learn from your adolescent can spark the fire of further growth in their cognition or quickly snuff it out.

  Teenagers’ abstract reasoning will impact how they see the world, how they interact with it, and how they view faith in God. On a primal and essential level, abstract reasoning leads teens to explore the whole of their identity.

  Psych 101

  The teenage years are fraught with the often-verbalized question “Why?,” but they are also replete with unverbalized, abstract questions as well: Who am I? Who tells me who I am? Where do I want to go with my life? And how do I want to get there?

  Sadly, many parents try to answer these questions for their children rather than journeying with their teens as the answers unfold. It’s not easy to allow our adolescent children to explore their abstract reasoning any more than it is to let them find their identity, but we cannot overstate the futility of trying to skip this process.

  On Monday, your teenager may express that he’s bound and determined to be the next world champion ballroom dancer. The next day he may angrily tell you that “those dancer people” are losers. Trying to argue with this illogical shift is pointless. Addressing behavior (e.g., “Calling people losers is unacceptable”) is important, but allowing for the trial and error of teenage reasoning is essential.

  Here are a few tips for not only surviving but also thriving in the process:

  Ask good questions. What is it about that new music/way of dressing/type of book/group of friends that your adolescent finds important and attractive? Find out. Engage in dialogue as often as possible. Remember, the growth of abstract reasoning and the dialectic process (contrasting opposing ideas and drawing conclusions) are best done in active communication. Asking good questions involves stretching beyond those that can be answered with yes or no. Don’t let an uncommunicative teenager run the show. Press for more gently, little by little. Even if they don’t thank you for doing so, you’re helping your teen significantly.

  Refuse to take it personally. Many parents see their teen’s abstract reasoning as a personal assault (e.g., “He argues with everything I say, so why do I even bother?”). Other parents fear the “Why?” questions teens ask about faith will lead them astray (much more on this later), but please hear us loud and clear: you must not take this process personally. Not only will it devour you, it will derail your teen’s development as well.

  Expect it. Be on the lookout for ways in which your teen will “try on” new ways of thinking, new ways of living, and new ways of expressing himself or herself. Don’t react too quickly. An extreme statement made one moment may be tempered in the next. Patiently observe the process, engage in dialogue, and step in when it becomes clear that the teenager’s health or welfare may be compromised. Use the discernment God gives you rather than reacting in fear.

  Take deep breaths. Don’t dismiss this as simplistic! Taking a deep breath delivers fresh oxygen to brain cells, renewing your capacity to think clearly. Deliberately choo
sing to take a deep breath can also disrupt negative thought patterns, giving you a chance to change course. One breath can make a significant difference for you and your teen.

  Faith 101

  To an adult, abstract reasoning seems normal. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but you too had to learn it. You may be tempted to dismiss an adolescent’s need to explore, thinking, This is ridiculous. God is the one who tells us who we are, and we don’t need to indulge teenagers in this “finding yourself” nonsense. Such ideas are detrimental both to your parent-child relationship and to your adolescent’s relationship with God. Identity formation through abstract reasoning is a process created by God, guided by his Holy Spirit, and directed for his glory. It’s part of sanctification, knowing oneself, and knowing God, who fears no question and engages with every seeker. Indeed, when surrendered to God, both identity formation and abstract reasoning become key components of discipleship.

  Adolescents raised in faith typically journey toward one of three ends:3

  Identity diffusion: an adolescent never makes a commitment to a particular set of values and beliefs because the process has been disrupted or disallowed.

  Identity foreclosure: a teen makes commitments to beliefs only as the result of force, typically by parents, but has little personal ownership.

  Identity achieved: an adolescent chooses to be identified with Jesus.

  As parents, we must not disallow the developmental process, nor stall it in order to make things safe and comfortable for ourselves. Instead, we can choose to engage abstract reasoning, helping our adolescent evaluate the claims of Christ regarding truth and identity. This is by no means easy, but it is worth every effort. In this, you help your teenager become a true disciple of Jesus. Harness the power of your adolescent’s abstract thinking for discipleship.

  We appreciate this simple definition: “Biblical discipleship is look and live.”4 Your teen can begin using abstract reasoning to follow Christ by looking at Christ and living as he did. Discipleship gives substance to the abstract, and as teens delve into the depths of their new abstract reasoning, they need to be discipled.

  Let’s apply this. Take, for example, the powerful command from Romans 6:11, “Consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus” (NASB). A concept like this is difficult for a child to decipher and apply. Your teen, however, has begun to reason abstractly. A teen can “consider” differently.

  The word translated consider by the NASB can also be rendered reckon. This term is rich with connotation; it involves weighing an issue mathematically, puzzling over it in order to alter the course of an action or thought. A teenager can reckon in a way a child cannot, and upon this abstract reasoning, true faith is built.

  In discipleship, helping our teen look at and live out the truth, an intangible concept—like considering oneself “dead to sin” and “alive to Christ”—becomes tangible. Discipling a teen means helping him or her connect the Word of God to daily life. You can be part of this amazing process.

  As you may have noticed, however, this requires you to engage in the reckoning process. Before you continue with this book, ask yourself:

  Is your own identity solidly grounded in God’s truth?

  Does your adolescent see you as a committed disciple of Christ?

  If not, what will you do about it?

  Try It Today: Consider a Cross-Cultural Experience

  In our combined three decades of youth ministry experience, we found that nothing formed teenagers’ abstract thinking more dramatically than a well-executed cross-cultural experience. Being exposed to real people in real (often unthinkable) circumstances can change adolescents . . . forever. Mark Oestreicher describes it well:

  Due to the massive quantity and depth of the developmental changes occurring in their bodies and brains, teenagers are often rather narcissistic . . . but when they encounter people with real needs, especially in a different cultural context, the experience can knock them off-balance, in a great way. They get a sense of themselves as part of a much larger story. They wonder why they have so much, while others have so little. They see, from outside of themselves, their own selfishness and materialism, and this messes with their priorities and values.5

  With abstract reasoning comes the ability to empathize. Whereas sympathy involves feeling what you feel (in a cross-cultural context this may mean feeling “sorry” for people enduring horrible living conditions after a natural disaster), empathy draws on abstract reasoning to enter into another person’s experience, to feel what they feel. A thoughtfully planned cross-cultural experience can teach empathy like nothing else can.

  There are a myriad of ways to engage cross-culturally. You may decide to go with your church on an international building project or with a mission organization teaching English as a second language. You can think even more broadly about what “cross-cultural” means, however. Volunteering at an inner-city soup kitchen can be cross-cultural. You can find more ideas for cross-cultural experiences at Youth With a Mission’s website (www.ywam.org).

  4

  I’m So Bored

  None of my friends were home. There was nowhere to go that I hadn’t been already and nothing on TV. I had zero interest in my mom’s ten suggestions for what to do. I (Jeramy) was looking for something, anything really, that would be an adventure, but when you’re a teenager and there’s “nothing” to do, “no one” to do it with, and you’re feeling profoundly bored, life hardly seems bearable.

  Fast-forward about two and a half decades: my own kids are complaining that they’re “so bored.” At this point in my busy adult life, I haven’t been bored since the early nineties, so I’ll be frank: compassion for their adolescent boredom isn’t always my strong suit.

  “Bored?” I hear myself say. “Well, then I’ve got work for you to do.”

  “No thanks,” they say, sighing deeply and slouching off in the direction of their “boring” bedrooms, where various electronic devices, art supplies, books, and neglected toys await. It’s somewhat difficult to imagine that there’s nothing for my girls to do.

  Before we started research for this book, I got easily annoyed with my daughters’ boredom. “I’m not your clown,” I might say. “Figure something out.”

  I’m still not their clown, but my perspective on adolescent world-weariness has changed with my growing understanding of the teenage brain. On one level, simply remembering my own adolescence helps me enter into my daughters’ world. But it’s more than commiseration that’s changed me. Jerusha and I have discovered some important facts about the “under-construction” teenage brain that help us—and we hope can help you—figure out what’s behind the “I’m bored” complaints.

  Bio 101

  Study after study confirms that adolescents respond to pleasure and reward—indeed, even the anticipation of gratification—with greater sensitivity than either adults or children.1 Neuroscientists attribute this to significant developmental changes occurring during adolescence in the brain’s reward system.

  Throughout this book, when we refer to the reward system, we mean the collection of brain structures involved in the experience and mediation of pleasure. When activated, these areas of the brain reinforce certain behaviors and deter us from others. For your son or daughter, everything from eating sweets to listening to ear-piercingly loud music to giving and receiving physical affection or playing video games can stimulate the brain’s reward circuits, which includes the dopamine-rich neurons of the ventral tegmental area, the nucleus accumbens, and part of the prefrontal cortex. In order to better understand our teens, let’s look briefly at each component of the reward system.

  We previously discussed the importance of the prefrontal cortex, so you may recall its role in judgment, planning, forethought, and executive functioning. Remember, this portion of the brain is under construction for the entirety of adolescence. Also undergoing specialized and substantial alteration during adolescence are the nucleus accumbens (NAc) and the ventral
tegmental area (VTA).

  Each brain hemisphere has its own NAc, a small but mighty brain structure that plays an important role in the cognitive processing of pleasure, motivation, reinforcement learning, and the encoding of new motor programs. The NAc does this primarily by releasing dopamine, a neurotransmitter closely associated with pleasure.2 The NAc’s dopaminergic input originates mainly in the VTA, an area of the brain that also processes emotion and sends information to the prefrontal cortex for evaluation.

  Think of it this way: the brain keeps score with dopamine. When something good happens, or a teen expects something good to happen, dopamine is released along the VTA-NAc pathway and is ultimately encoded by the prefrontal cortex: “I gotta do that again.”

  This “loop” created by rewarding stimuli (ice cream or hugging or defeating the next video game level), neurochemical response (dopamine release), and cognitive processing happens lightning fast in adults whose brains have developed the white matter “wiring” necessary for wise decision-making in the face of potential reward and/or risk. The story is a bit more complicated for adolescents.

  You see, two major things happen in the teenage brain’s reward system that can throw off the “scorekeeping.” First, research suggests that adolescents have a lower baseline level of the feel-good neurochemical dopamine. Second, dopamine release in response to experience is higher during the teenage years.3 Teens have less dopamine naturally, but when it’s released, they feel its impact more powerfully. Wild, isn’t it? According to UCLA’s Dr. Daniel Siegel, this “can explain why teens may report a feeling of being ‘bored’ unless they are engaging in some stimulating and novel activities.”4

  What’s behind your teen’s boredom? A developing reward circuit that’s thirsty for experience, preferably new and thrilling experience. Some clinicians call this sensation-seeking, others novelty-seeking. It amounts to basically the same thing: teens long for something different, something exciting, something that will raise that naturally lower dopamine level in their under-construction brains.