Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Read online

  © 2016 by Dr. Jeramy and Jerusha Clark

  Published by Baker Books

  a division of Baker Publishing Group

  PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516–6287

  www.bakerbooks.com

  Ebook edition created 2016

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

  ISBN 978-1-4934-0143-7

  Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

  Scripture quotations labeled ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2011

  Scripture quotations labeled Message are from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

  Scripture quotations labeled NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

  Scripture quotations labeled NET are from the NET Bible®, copyright © 1996–2006 by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C. http://netbible.com. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

  Scripture quotations labeled NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

  Scripture quotations labeled Phillips are from The New Testament in Modern English, revised edition—J. B. Phillips, translator. © J. B. Phillips 1958, 1960, 1972. Used by permission of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc.

  To our precious teenage daughters,

  Jocelyn Alexandra,

  creator of fabulous fan fiction, gorgeous dress designs, and incredible artwork. The moment you entered the world you changed our lives forever and for better. PS: Though we would miss you like crazy, you’d be a great companion for The Doctor.

  Jasmine Alyssa,

  amazing gymnast, fantastic spa proprietor, and mastermind behind the “Bubble Theory.” “Teenagers are like bubbles. If you touch them too hard, they will pop. If the bubble pops, all their anger is let out on you. If you continue to guide the bubble and lead it in the right direction, out of harm’s way, it will continue to bubble and grow.”

  Contents

  Cover 1

  Title Page 3

  Copyright Page 4

  Dedication 5

  Foreword by Dr. Earl Henslin 9

  Preface 11

  Introduction 15

  1. You Don’t Understand 21

  2. Leave Me Alone 30

  3. But Why? 39

  4. I’m So Bored 48

  5. That Could Be Epic 56

  6. But Nothing Happened 66

  7. What Do You Want Me to Say? 77

  8. Why Are You Freaking Out? 88

  9. Why Are You Looking at Me Like That? 98

  10. Aren’t You Sorry? 107

  11. What’s Wrong with My Friends? 116

  12. It’s Not Like We’re Getting Married 127

  13. This Is Sooooo Awkward 137

  14. But It’s Mine 147

  15. Hold On, I Just Have to Send This 158

  16. It’s Not That Bad 172

  17. How Do I Know That’s True? 184

  18. It’s Not My Fault 194

  19. I Can’t Take This! 204

  20. I’m So Tired 213

  21. I’m Starving 223

  22. What’s Wrong with Me? 231

  23. It’s Not All I Think About! 242

  24. I Feel So Ugly 251

  25. I Hate My Life 261

  26. What If . . . ? 272

  Appendix A: The Truth about Substance Abuse 283

  Appendix B: The Truth about Self-Injury 287

  Appendix C: The Truth about Suicide 291

  Acknowledgments 295

  Notes 299

  About the Authors 317

  Back Ad 318

  Back Cover 319

  Foreword

  Your Teenager Is Not Crazy is the first book in the Christian market to so thoughtfully integrate the latest in neuroscience with God’s timeless truth. It is a landmark book that will help parents make sense out of the changes happening in their teens as they mature. What is so wonderful about Your Teenager Is Not Crazy is that it is born out of the Clarks’ years of daily ministry and a passion to help teenagers, including their own, grow deeper in Christ while learning to live healthy lives—body, soul, and spirit. Jeramy and Jerusha help parents understand that they cannot separate adolescent brain development from soul development. If the brain of a teen is not working right, their spiritual development will be hampered. What is exciting to me is the emphasis on helping parents understand the remarkable uniqueness of their child’s brain. What works to motivate one teen will not work to motivate another teen. Yet if you understand the uniqueness of how God has wired your teen and learn to work with that child as God created them, you can help them optimize and reach the potential God has wired into them. This book will help you do just that.

  You will enjoy learning a great deal as you read through each chapter. Your Teenager Is Not Crazy will deepen your understanding of the inner world of your teen. An added benefit: it will help you make sense out of your own adolescent years! Tough issues like sexuality are addressed in an insightful manner that will help bring clarity to what can be a confusing and bewildering time for both parent and teen. As you read this book, you will become excited and passionate about the reality that God has uniquely wired your teen’s brain for a relationship with Him. You’ll also be excited and empowered by the practical strategies that Jeramy and Jerusha share.

  Your Teenager Is Not Crazy is not only a book you’ll enjoy reading; you’ll actually want to buy it by the case to give to youth leaders, friends, and relatives! God will use it to help guide you through the exciting adolescent years of your teen’s developing brain—which means your teen’s developing soul. You will be grateful for the time you invest reading this groundbreaking book and the steps you take in implementing the insights and practical strategies.

  Blessings!

  Dr. Earl Henslin, PsyD,

  author of This Is Your Brain on Joy

  and This Is Your Brain on Love

  Preface

  If you ask parents to describe the teenage years, words like crazy, confusing, frustrating, scary, and out of control will likely crop up, as might—though perhaps less frequently—descriptors such as exciting, adventurous, and exhilarating. Research indicates that regardless of socioeconomic background, race, or location, parents of teens experience a relatively consistent set of emotions that leave many perplexed and exhausted.

  Perform a similar exercise by inviting emerging adults to describe the years of their adolescence, and a fascinating trend emerges. The very same adjectives—describing the good, the bad, and the totally baffling—are used by those recently in the throes of their formative years to depict the tumult of their teenage lives.

  A myriad of explanations has been set forth to decipher this perplexing ph
enomenon: adolescents seem out of their mind at some point, if not for the entirety of their teenage years. Vibrant one moment and sullenly apathetic the next, engaging in risky and impulsive behaviors one day and espousing profound reflections on life, relationships, and faith the next, teenagers confound parents, who wonder, Who is this alien in my child’s skin? Why did she stop smiling? Why is he angry all the time? What were they thinking? What in the world do I do?

  One explanation—the one most prominent when we were teenagers—goes as follows: teenagers are a raging ball of hormones, and the best parents can do is buckle up, hang on for dear life, and pray that the entire roller coaster cart of their adolescent’s life doesn’t spontaneously jump off the track, explode, or get confiscated by federal authorities.

  In this paradigm, hormones explained why guys were less mature than girls, why they seemed obsessed with some things and clueless about others, and why they did things like turn fire hoses on their biology teachers (not that Jeramy ever did that). This theory told parents of adolescent girls that hormones accounted for the outbursts of violent tears, the desire of their daughters to date the most ridiculous young men imaginable, and hours spent in the bathroom attempting to wrestle hair, makeup, and acne into submission.

  According to the latest neurobiological research, however, hormones are only one piece of a much larger puzzle. The good news? You don’t have to figure out how to predict your teenager’s behavior based on biochemicals. Understanding basic physiological facts is important, but this book will enable you to see your teenager as more than an out-of-control hormoniac.

  Another misconception popularized by the media is that teens experience a form of “temporary insanity” while their brains develop. Because their brains are immature, their behavior will be irresponsible. There’s not much you can do but sigh deeply, try to be patient, and wait until your adolescent “grows up,” hoping that no harm will come to your child (or other people!) because your teen is half-baked.

  Radical neurological changes do occur during adolescence, and understanding them is crucial, but—as you might infer from the title of this book—what we now know about the brain doesn’t support the notion that your teenager will be insane until further notice. Hear us loud and clear: your teenager is not crazy.

  Furthermore, we cannot view adolescent brain development simply as a process of moving from immaturity to maturity. Indeed, because of the progressive remodeling of the brain during this period, the teen years can be an amazing season of cultivating creativity, self-awareness, and passion for the things that really matter.

  If you’re interested in navigating your child’s adolescent years well, this book will equip you to understand the body, mind, and soul of teenagers. You’ll also discover insights about yourself! Everyone benefits. So, if you’re ready and willing, let’s go!

  Introduction

  Some years ago, we discovered a leak in the foundation beneath our kitchen. It required the complete demolition of our countertop, sink, and a good deal of cabinetry. For weeks (which seemed like years), water to that area was cut off, meaning meals had to be prepared on makeshift surfaces and dishes had to be washed in a bathtub. As electrical wiring was reconfigured, the power was shut down. Remodeling is not easy.

  Anyone who’s spent time near a construction site—whether a large-scale project or an in-home remodel—recognizes factors common to all building or renovation: it’s messy, it’s time-consuming, and it always costs more than you think it should. Often an element of danger exists. Risks may be necessary. Mistakes are made—that’s guaranteed. Frustrations abound. Relationships are strained. Why would anyone choose to suffer this?

  Why? Because on the other side is a space more beautiful, more efficient, or more integrated. Knowing that what waits on the other side is not only new but also really good helps builders and remodelers everywhere get through tough days of sawing, sanding, wiring, and plumbing. Our amazing, renovated kitchen never could have magically appeared. The process had to be endured. In order for it not to drive us crazy, it also had to be embraced.

  What if your body was a construction zone? Wouldn’t you expect significant challenges? Wouldn’t the goal be to emerge stronger and more resilient? Do you think you might be willing to endure a lot if you knew that something great was in store?

  Now, imagine how you’d feel knowing your child’s brain had to be progressively remodeled to develop a healthy adult mind. Along with the trials, wouldn’t you be on the lookout for triumphs too? Wouldn’t you feel more compassionate when your child was confused or frustrated by the project, especially if you knew the proverbial power was offline?

  These aren’t merely theoretical questions. Indeed, neurobiological studies show that every adolescent brain goes under construction between the ages of approximately twelve and twenty-four. Hold on, you may be thinking. You’re telling me that every teenage brain is being remodeled for more than a decade?

  Yes.

  Until relatively recently, we couldn’t see what went on inside the brains of live subjects (and let’s be honest: it’s a good thing no one tried!). Now, thanks to fMRIs (functional magnetic resonance imaging) and other forms of brain imaging, clinicians can evaluate the inner workings of the mind, observing that what we previously assumed about brain development formed a very incomplete picture.

  For many years, scientists believed the human brain developed primarily between birth and age six. While it’s true that the brain reaches over 90 percent of its structural size by the sixth year of a child’s life, we now know that the brain undergoes dramatic and essential internal development in the years leading up to and throughout adolescence.

  During childhood, the brain experiences explosive neurological growth. Much like a flourishing tree growing more branches, a child’s brain establishes new connections and pathways as it matures. During the years prior to adolescence, millions of brain cells develop and begin to mature, enabling children to acquire knowledge at a wonderfully rapid rate. This explains in part why children learn certain skills so readily. Like “little sponges,” they absorb all the world has to offer, stretching their brains in new ways every day.

  The explosive growth of neurons during childhood slows as puberty approaches. Ultimately—somewhere between the ages of eleven (for girls) and twelve and a half (for boys)—the brain shifts course and begins to prune neurons, cutting back unused brain pathways. Pruning isn’t the only radical change happening, however. Those neural highways that remain are strengthened in a process called myelination, during which a protective layering insulates neurons, improving the speed and efficiency of cognitive processing. Pruning and myelination continue throughout adolescence and result in what scientists describe as a wholesale, progressive remodeling of the brain.

  Okay, you may be thinking. That’s neat, but what does this have to do with me?

  If you’re the parent of a teenager, it has everything to do with you.

  Do you want to know why teens do what they do? Do you want to communicate with your children in clear and compassionate ways? Many bizarre and baffling teenage behaviors become intelligible as we learn what’s going on in the brain and how it impacts emotions and relationships, as well as how spiritual truths can revolutionize the experience of the teenage years for parents and children alike.

  Teenagers Aren’t Crazy; They’re Just under Construction

  Adolescents undergo a comprehensive remodeling of the brain, and—as noted earlier—messes and mistakes abound during renovation projects. At different points in the process, the plumbing or electricity may be offline. In a similar manner, portions of an adolescent’s brain that are “under construction” may give the impression that your teenager is mentally “offline.”

  Here’s one example: In early adolescence, neurons at the back of the brain are pruned. One of the first neural structures to undergo remodeling is the cerebellum, which directs—among other things—balance and coordination. Ever wonder why middle schoolers are so
awkward? Knowing that the portion of your teenager’s brain that coordinates balance is periodically “offline” while it’s being remodeled can give you grace during your teen’s awkward stages. As we’ll see throughout this book, a basic understanding of your teen’s brain also provides insights to help you parent well.

  Let’s start with two general and essential principles:

  Choices matter. Teenage brain remodeling operates on a “use it or lose it” principle. The neural pathways your teen uses become stronger; those neglected are pruned away. Pioneering neuroscientist Dr. Jay Giedd sums it up this way: “If a teen is doing music or sports or academics, those are the cells and connections that will be hardwired. If they’re lying on the couch or playing video games . . . those are the cells and connections that are going to survive.”1

  Connections matter too. In Dr. Giedd’s words, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” While the adolescent brain is being pruned and myelinated, it also becomes more interconnected and specialized. Somewhat akin to switching from dial-up internet to broadband, the brain increases its speed of transmission and ability to integrate information. Eventually, your teen’s brain becomes a super-fast information highway. This is amazing! It’s also limiting. In order to drive on a highway at eighty miles per hour, you have to sacrifice the option of changing direction whenever you want. Similarly, with fewer but faster neural pathways, adolescents’ brains become progressively less open. They move toward specialization and integration.

  Helping your teen learn to choose well is incredibly important. What your adolescent is exposed to will change him or her—dramatically. Choices determine what kind of connections and neural superhighways will exist.

  In each chapter of this book we’ll explore a common statement teenagers make in light of what’s happening in an adolescent’s brain and how that plays out in thoughts and emotions. Spiritual truths will equip us with understanding and for action. Each chapter closes with a practical tip and/or topic of discussion.