The Day I Shot Cupid Read online

  The “Oh my God, it’s the biggest thing I’ve ever seen, where did he get the money? Who cares, he’s mine, it’s mine, and all of my friends will be jealous” scenario.

  OR

  The “Keep smiling, it’s tiny, not the cut we talked about, he makes more money than that, I care, he doesn’t know me” scenario.

  Both exist and we have no control over which one will happen—or do we? This is embarrassing and personal, but once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring. Some might say pathetic, I say prepared. While you get a “take a chance” ring, I will be blinging it all day with my “dream ring.” And actually, in the last few months or so, trying to be more prepared, I have found three rings that would make my heart stop. So if my guy ever starts putting out the “ring vibe” he will have choices, but they will be choices I love. I don’t apologize. A woman’s engagement ring is like a man’s dream car, it’s what we wear every day, what people ask to see first after the announcement, and whether we want to admit it or not, it says a lot about what our man knows about and thinks of us. A friend of mine wasn’t so happy with her engagement ring, and so, after a few months, she traded up and got a bigger one. It was a big deal between the two of them and could have been avoided with a little bling preparation.

  Also, men will know they’ve done a good job based on how much she wears it. If it’s always in the soap dish, jewelry box, or not on when company’s over, she’s not crazy about the ring. Don’t get me wrong, the ring is still about the meaning behind it, but there is also bling vanity, I’m not gonna lie. So here’s a thought: start looking for what you love, and narrow it down to three rings. When it’s that time in the relationship, show them to your guy and help him understand what it means to you and why. He wants to make you happy, and trust me, guys will love the help. And then know that when he opens that box, one of the three things you love will be in there. And then you can have the “Oh my God, I knew he would pick that one, it’s perfect, he is amazing, he’s going to be my husband, and thank you JLH” scenario!

  THE ENGAGED

  This is where my knowledge ends. I have not gone past the engagement, but I did learn something while I was engaged. It’s as beautiful as it should be. It is a time for flowers, parties, congrats, planning, dreaming, and contentment. But it’s also a time for reflection. It’s a time to really look at yourself and your partner, individually and together, and have respect for where you’re headed. Take care of any issues or problems in this phase because in marriage they will only get bigger. Know that your views are compatible on all the major issues, such as children, family, fidelity, religion, and commitment. Even though the stats right now aren’t favorable for marriage doesn’t mean that you can’t change it. Just be ready. Know that marriage is a responsibility and will take work, but it’s beautiful when done right. So while you’re engaged, have fun and take a million memory photos to remember this time. But also slow everything down and truly understand and appreciate the next step you will take. As you leave all of us single ladies behind to find our perfect moment, look back at us over your shoulder as you walk down the aisle and know that we are right behind you.

  Texting or Sexing

  Okay, so let’s be honest, texting is fun! It’s flirty and dangerous. You can be more forward if you’re shy, more honest if you’re scared, and it’s faster if you’re antisocial. And, like anything really cool, if you overuse it, it can be a nightmare. The first time a guy texts you, it’s awesome! You can’t wait to write back something witty and wait by your phone for a response. (NOTE: You are waiting. By the phone. For his response.)

  And here it comes, the flirty text that will start it all. You’ve got his attention, it’s hot, and you’ve found a rhythm! It’s been an amazingly wordy week and a half. He hasn’t called or taken you out, but he hasn’t blown you off either. Maybe he just needs more time, or maybe he’s supposed to take an hour and a half to respond to your last text. Or maybe he hasn’t turned his whole life over to your little text affair and is having a day. Like a normal person. Sorry, the truth hurts. News flash, maybe he’s texting you while he’s with the girl he is on a date with. Or else, loving the fact that he can flirt wildly and not commit to anything more solid. Or maybe he’s just too stupid to know that you won’t stand for that forever. Or will you?

  Come on, ladies, we’ve got to be smarter than this! Do we want textin’ or sexin’? It’s cool to rely on modern means to get things rolling, but if we don’t stop the electronic lovin’ before it’s gone too far, they won’t. Hey mister—text me all you want, but after three days I need a phone call and some face-to-face lovin’ to ensure what you really want is me and not a cyber-Sally, hassle-free, texting girlfriend. Can you say passive-aggressive, boys? I mean, what’s next? Text sex?! I’ll tell you what—it’s already happening! Ew!

  HIS TEXT

  If you’re a good girl…I’ll text you my penis size.

  HER TEXT

  Well big daddy…my nipple dimensions are on the way.

  HIS TENTH TEXT

  Instead of cuddling and looking into your eyes…I’m going to shut my phone off and text you tomorrow.

  And we wonder why the relationship isn’t working? Say no to text relationships. Take his BlackBerry away, and see what he’s really made of.

  IM in. IM out. I’m Still on His IM.

  Ah…stressful day at the office so sweetly interrupted by the instant message (IM) man of your dreams. What a great little invention. He can say hello, send kisses and smileys, and mess up your train of thought anytime he feels like it. And you can do the same. It’s so sweet and…so much like stalking when you think about it. If you’re there, he knows. If you’re gone, he knows. Every time you’re there and don’t answer…he knows. Maybe they should have temporary IM restraining orders. Think about it. You break up, he moves out, you say good-bye to his friends, cry, gain weight, cry, get a new life, lose weight, move on, forget about him, go to work, get on your computer, and like from the dead, it emerges. The one thing you didn’t do. THE BLOCK. The IM block that allows you freedom from the occasional

  HEY dot dot dot

  WHAT’S UP dot dot dot

  YOU SEEING ANYBODY dot dot dot

  I KNOW YOU’RE THERE dot dot dot

  We must think of everything, girls! Why should we be prisoners on our own computers? Stop reading this and block him before it’s too late! Run to your computer, don’t walk!

  Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

  —Joan Crawford

  Three Strikes YOU’RE OUT

  If dates were like baseball, the three strikes you’re out rule would still apply. There are lots of variations on the theme, but the outcome is the same. On my one and only blind date, I experienced three in one night. He called me “baby” before we even pulled out of the driveway, gave me Altoids twenty minutes in for “our kiss at the end of the night,” and then tried to get me to play a game with him at the arcade because “that’s what couples do.” The appearance of my knight in shining armor was not what had been written in my childhood diaries. He was wearing alligator loafers (hello, PETA?), slacks that were cut too high (maybe he was expecting a flood?), and a shiny silk shirt. Yeah, I was about to go out with the neighborhood slick guy, except he obviously was from a time period before I was born. (SIDE NOTE: The reason they call it a blind date is because if you could see them you wouldn’t go!)

  Let me show you how this works. You’re in public and the guy starts to show anger or aggression toward you and others.

  STRIKE ONE.

  Later in the evening you realize that the “friend” who dressed him, taught him those manners, and told him it was okay for him to behave this way on a date is his EX who is also his ROOMMATE.

  STRIKE TWO.

  And then at the climax of the evening (the only one you will experience) you go to a karaoke bar, “because that m
akes up for the last two hours of your life you will never get back,” and realize you are with a man who knows every word to the Discovery Channel song and is proud of it! For those of you who don’t know the song, the lyrics are…“you and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”

  STRIKE THREE, YOU’RE OUT!

  Now, although these scenarios sound dramatic, trust me, the three strike rule works when applied. Look, if he strikes out three times in one night, you don’t want to go to that game again, and the hot dog probably wasn’t very good.

  HERE ARE SOME MORE STRIKES TO LOOK OUT FOR

  1. He is more than fifteen minutes late.

  2. He is driving his mother’s car.

  3. His mother is driving.

  1. If he can’t stop looking at your chest.

  2. If he can’t stop looking at the waitress’s chest.

  3. If he can’t stop looking at every girl’s chest.

  1. If he starts talking about himself and can’t stop.

  2. If he starts talking at breakfast in the morning and you just sat down.

  3. If he basically tries to eat your face when kissing you good night.

  1. If he keeps saying, “That’s so dumb” when you’re talking.

  2. If he’s been living in his ex-wife’s house.

  3. If he keeps calling you by another girl’s name.

  You’re Out!!!

  Something Smells

  Okay, price of nice perfume—$50. Lotion and powder to go with it—$150. Victoria’s Secret nightie—$45. Mascara, eyeliner, concealer, blush, gloss, and foundation—at least $250. And mani-pedi—at least $30. Just some of the things we do as women to get our guys all hot and bothered, and it works. It attacks them like the bird flu and makes them defenseless. We become sex goddesses, smelling of roses and vanilla, with smoky eyes and French tips, slinking across the room with our hair cascading around us, in a body-hugging nightie that we will never wear again.

  And yet, romance (or that damn Cupid) shoves one more pin in our alluring balloon. A study was done a few years ago to find out what scent got men going. They were all blindfolded and asked to smell a bunch of different aromas. This is where you’ll want to sit down. Every one of them picked the same thing. Was it exotic? Did it smell of unforgettable nights in Europe? Could it change your sex life forever? Not unless you find breakfast arousing. They all picked the smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls. Are you kidding me?

  Okay, my first two problems—who included breakfast in the perfume test? (Must have been a man.) And do I actually have to worry more about the factory girls from Pillsbury than their model exes? Honestly, what is the world coming to? I refuse to walk around with frosting behind my ears and cinnamon on my wrists. A French maid or a Playboy Playmate is okay to get your man’s motor running, but to pretend to be a croissant? That is where dignity is lost. So save all of your beauty money, and I guess if you want to take him to bed, take him to breakfast.

  Déjà Wardrobe

  Okay, so we have all done it. Taken the walk. We have connected with someone, or some tequila bottle, and found ourselves in day two of the same outfit. Taken what is affectionately called THE WALK OF SHAME. QUESTION: How come John Travolta walks down the street with a theme song after dancing all night and everyone thinks he’s cool? Yet we all can’t get a cab or friendly “good morning” without judgment and misunderstanding. SO WHAT? I DIDN’T GO HOME! The outfit looked great last night, maybe it will look even better in the light of day. “He said he could see into my soul” (okay, maybe that’s not a good reason to take the walk). Sometimes stuff happens! What are we supposed to do? Turn our car into a mini walk-in so that others approve? Not ever follow our hearts down Impulsive Street? And why do we care? And here’s a bone—who made it the walk of shame? Why can’t it be the “I had a good time walk” or “the walk of accomplishment”? Maybe we just all care too much about what others think.

  So right here, right now, let’s change it! NO MORE SHAME! Take a walk whatever time you want, with a theme song or without, but hold your head high. It’s time to be proud of our decisions, and remember, the outfit you wear tonight, you better like in the morning.

  When Your Relationship Comes to a Skid…Mark

  This is not for those with delicate stomachs, so beware. In relationships there are lots of big moments, cliffhangers, and showstoppers, and then what I like to call “oh no he didn’ts!” Let me set the scene: it’s another beautiful day in your dreamy relationship with Mr. Perfect and you decide to be a domestic goddess for your man. Besides writing “Mrs._____________” over and over again on a piece of paper, the other way to pretend you’re in domestic bliss is to do his laundry, see your whites next to his whites, your thongs next to his briefs. It’s the moment you don’t want anyone to walk in on because they would think you were absolutely hopeless. And then, as if you were in the front row of a horror movie, it appears. THE SKID MARK.

  Stop everything. Unless you have had bad fish or the twenty-four-hour flu, there is just no excuse. WIPE HARDER! And if you know there’s a chance that something might get left behind, wash them yourself, or burn them. I have been introduced to Mr. Brown and I didn’t handle it well at first. I screamed and ran to the opposite end of the house. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I thought it would leave or clean itself or I was just dreaming. Then, with the Rocky theme song in my head, I decided that no brown ugly was going to get me down. So back I went! I grabbed those undies, with tongs of course, and threw them in the machine. I felt like a real woman. I knew that oodles of women had washed skids before me. I felt domestic and ready to take on whatever the world had to offer. I wondered if I would look at him differently, pay closer attention to what he was eating, and wonder every time if I would come face-to-face with it again. By the way, after that, he did the laundry.

  Natural Dilemma

  So you’re out with your guy, and it is breakfast time at your favorite café. The sun is shining, your skin glows perfect in the light, his eyes are still a little bit puffy from waking up, his bed-head is irresistible, and your guy can’t stop staring at you. The type of staring you hope other women see because (a) you want witnesses and (b) you know for a brief moment of time they will be jealous and wish they were with him. Oh, but he is so not with them! He is yours and so happy to be a slave to the sparkle in your eyes! (P.S. Sparkle is provided by hot boyfriend staring.) And then it happens. And, oh ladies, it has happened to all of us. The moment that he says, “YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU DON’T WEAR MAKEUP. I WANT TO BE WITH THE GIRL IN SWEATS AND NO MAKEUP FOREVER.”

  You are floored for many reasons. First, you have to forget the $30 you spent on hottie products, but, more important, all of that worry you’ve had for years, thinking of how you could erase supermodels so you could be noticed. Getting up two hours earlier than him to put on makeup so he doesn’t see you without the mask. Worried that guy 187 didn’t call because he met someone prettier. It’s gone. Vanished. It only took one guy, your guy, to make you feel more beautiful than you could have imagined. Forget burning bras, you want to burn it all! Every product. And feel free in your naked beauty. So you kiss him, a big one that says I’ll thank you now and later. You sit back and feel like the queen you are. You look around at the other women and wonder if they’ve had such a moment and, if not, hope they do. You are the natural Heidi Klum walking down the runway of no-worries and everyone wants what you’re selling. (Cue the record scratch.) WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! Did your guy just check out another girl? And not just with his eyes, but did he just turn his head? And for the girl in the March Vogue cover outfit and full makeup? And is he really trying to play it off like I didn’t see it?

  And why did that skank buzz-kill my moment?! This has happened to all of us. To me, way too many times. And I personally will never get it. QUICK QUESTION, GUYS: If you love us, your partner, with no makeup, but your head turns toward the girl who has spent four h
ours in the bathroom, what are we supposed to do? And the excuses kill me. One guy said, and I quote, “Baby, I wasn’t looking at that girl, my neck hurt and I was stretching it out.” Guy two said, “Girl? What girl? I thought that was a dude.” And, my personal favorite, from guy number three: “You know, a lot of people have noticed it is hard for me to focus on one thing, maybe I have adult ADD.”

  Seriously, they will go to any length to protect the right to stare. To admire someone’s beauty is natural, but the head-turning, dead-mouth drooling, and saying that you love us natural and then gawking at America’s Next Top Model is really hard to swallow. So what does it all mean? They should all be killed, that’s what it means (said like the little kid in The Shining—sorry, that was my inside voice talking!). Should we express the way it makes us feel? Or do we, and this sounds easy, accept it as a thing that men do that’s harmless, and unless they leave you at the café to follow the skirt home, don’t worry. Be annoyed, but don’t worry. MEN WILL ALWAYS LOOK.

  So next time it happens, brush it off. And no matter what your inner voice tells you, know that if he left you it would be his biggest mistake. For the extremely insecure, the category I sometimes fall into, never let his wandering eye make you feel like you are not good enough. It’s like a dog that is full and fat. It doesn’t need food or want food, but if it’s there it will beg for it. And remember, it’s in our nature to want what we can’t have. On the other hand, even if guys have to stare, it’s a part of their nature, blah, blah, blah, but it’s not okay if it hurts you. If it bothers you, that’s one thing. If it hurts you, talk to him. And to the guys who might be reading this, be gentle. Looking at other girls while we are standing there can hurt. And then maybe some of you should be happy with the woman you have. In a relationship, don’t look backward or forward, look right next to you. You are probably luckier than you realize. I say this to everyone. Love and relationships are already complicated, and making your partner feel like you’d rather be somewhere else doesn’t help anything. There are a lot of people in the world to be with, and there will always be someone smarter, prettier, or more interesting.