In Search of the Fountain of Couth Read online

  Chapter Three

  While Arkham may have appeared calm, Balere knew from experience that her sister was giddy with excitement. One would think she had left Arkham alone for hours rather than a scant ten minutes. Knowing her sister, Balere had practically sped through her check-in, as experience had taught her that zero minutes was the absolute limit she’d trust Arkham alone anywhere, much less inside of her rig. Arkham didn’t waste any time going into “explain” mode.

  “Don’t say anything. Just hear me out,” Arkham stated all casual like, as if they weren’t standing in the freezing cold.

  Balere didn’t even miss a beat, although she did throw a cursory glance in the direction of Continent.

  “This is going to be bad, isn’t it?” Continent whispered.

  “Yep. Keep a lookout for any kind of anything,” Balere warned.

  “So, you know how you sometimes sleep in the cab, ’cause you’re tired and stuff?”

  Balere nodded.

  “And there’s always some unsavory character just hanging about, looking to get lucky with an unsuspecting female who is all alone?”

  Balere’s eyebrows rose slightly but she remained silent, which Arkham obviously took as a sign to continue.

  “So you’re walking back to your truck like so...” Arkham imitated Balere’s walk, not knowing that she looked like she was an exaggerated version of the villain in a Spaghetti Western.

  “And then the shitface pops out of nowhere, and you’re all, ‘What the fuck?’” Arkham threw her hands up beside her head.

  Like Balere would ever do that.

  “And he’s all, ‘Yeah, you’re a hot mama and I’m going to have fun with you.’”

  Balere was unsure why her imaginary attacker had a Russian accent.

  “And then he goes to grab you, and you snatch open the cab door and...” Arkham pulled open the cab door and then exclaimed, “BAM! There’s a king cobra waiting to strike that fool DEAD!”

  Balere cocked her head to the left and stared at the snake on her driver’s seat. Well, that was one mystery solved.

  “You do know it’s illegal to possess one of these as pets, don’t you? Or do you know and just not give a shit?”

  “It’s not a pet. It’s a guard animal.”

  “A guard animal which is deaf to ambient noises,” Balere stated.

  “They sense sound from contact with the ground,” Arkham responded.

  “They also have enough venom in their bite to take down an elephant.”

  “Luckily, you’re bigger than the average elephant, so even if it bit you, which it won’t—”

  “Not and live,” Balere interrupted.

  “Note the muzzle I made for him,” Arkham sighed. “That way Fluffy doesn’t accidentally spit venom at you when you scare him as you are bound to do, being that’s your specialty—scaring the shit out of people.”

  “Obviously you’re not ‘people,’ which explains so much, like sticking the snake with a name like ‘Fluffy.’ The other snakes are probably going to take its lunch money every day.”

  “Hate you right now, Balere. Anyway, Fluffy is badass,” Arkham said.

  “It doesn’t look particularly badass right now. It looks dead,” was Balere’s helpful comment. Of course, that didn’t stop Arkham, who simply grabbed the snake and shook it before cradling it in her arms like a baby.

  “Fluffy knows you’re not in danger, so he’s conserving his energy.”

  Balere peered at the snake. “He’s comatose, Arkham.”

  Her sister shook her head. “He’s tired is all. It’s a long way from the forest.”

  “That he should still be in.”

  Ignoring her, Arkham continued. “I can see you’re not impressed with him.”

  “It’s not that I’m not impressed with him. What I’m not impressed with is the idea of the rats and mice diet I’d have to feed it. And if you say you have rats and mice stashed in my rig, it will be the last thing you say,” Balere threatened.

  “I would not be so crass as to put rodents in your little truck, Balere. I fed Fluffy another snake who was acting like an asshole before we left Southeast Asia.”

  “I have no words.”

  “Well, not to worry. I have plenty, so never fear, Arkham’s here.”

  And just like that, Arkham climbed back into the cab, somehow managing to keep hold of the damn snake. The door opened scant seconds later and Arkham jumped out again—sans snake, thank goodness.

  “Okay, so same scenario. Some real nasty dude…you wanting to sleep in the cab…he makes a grab for you and...” Arkham stepped to the side, revealing a full-grown puma—and not one of the tennis shoe variety. As if accustomed to Arkham’s craziness, the puma lazily licked one of its front paws in between looking bored. She herself, on the other hand, wore a look of confusion. No telling what Arkham had subjected the puma to.

  “Rowrr,” was all the puma said before going back to cleaning its paw.

  “Is that a puma?” Continent asked.

  Balere felt that Continent really should’ve sounded more concerned, but yeah, Continent had MountDenali as a cousin, which explained his lack of urgency.

  “Yeah, see how he’s all ready to fuck shit up,” Arkham said enthusiastically, waggling her eyebrows at Balere.

  Balere simply folded her arms across her ample chest and gave Arkham a droll look. That look and pose gave Arkham a pause of a millisecond before she continued.

  “But wait...there’s more.” Arkham climbed back into the cab and barely a second later, slid back out.

  “Now I know what you’re thinking,” Arkham started.

  “I doubt it,” Continent said with a grin.

  Balere couldn’t help but smile while Arkham ignored him.

  “Really?” Balere asked Arkham, sure that her eyebrows were high up on her forehead.

  “Yep. You’re thinking, ‘what could possibly top a guard puma,’ right?”

  Balere couldn’t help it. She smiled at Arkham, which soon turned into a full-on belly laugh. Arkham waited patiently until her laugh petered down to a chuckle.

  “Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking,” Balere finally answered.

  “I know, right? ’Cause what’s better than a guard puma? Well, I’m going to jazz up the scenario this time. I don’t want it getting stale or predictable.”

  “God forbid,” Balere said, blank-faced once more.

  “I can’t wait for this,” Continent whispered excitedly to Balere.

  She simply rolled her eyes. Continent would’ve been singing a different song if he’d experienced growing up with Arkham.

  “So, picture this.” Arkham spread her arms wide.

  “Sicily, in the 1930s,” Balere inserted just because it was habit.

  “Hey, no interrupting,” Arkham insisted before continuing her spiel. “You’re tired from driving all night and day for a month—”

  Despite just being warned, Balere interrupted. “I’d also be a zombie, because there’s no one who can do that for a whole month—DOT rules notwithstanding.”

  Of course Arkham took no notice whatsoever and simply continued setting the scene.

  “You’re like, hey, there’s a nice quiet spot, on-the-side-of-the-road-by-the-big-dark-forest-where-someone-could-bury-my-dead-body-in-a-shallow-grave-and-I-won’t-be-found-until-the-ice-melts—”

  “Yeah, that sounds exactly like something I’d say.”

  Balere received a stony glare from Arkham for her trouble.

  “So you pull over and you get your blanky—”

  “You have a blanky?” Continent asked Balere, earning a double dose of glare for his efforts.

  “And you cover up and get all snuggly—”

  Continent snorted, probably because Balere elbowed him in the solar plexus.

  “You’re almost asleep when…” Arkham paused.

  In fact, she paused for so long Balere emitted three sighs before Arkham finally continued. “Some mofo throws open the cab d
oor—”

  “Which I would’ve locked.”

  Arkham kept talking. “And what does nasty bastard with ill intent find himself faced with?”

  Balere had no intention of responding, but Arkham looked so expectant.

  “An English professor putting a big, fat zero on his paper for ending a sentence with a preposition?”

  “If you’re not going to take this seriously, I’m going to leave,” Arkham threatened.

  “Before or after you leave someone in a pool of his or her own blood?” Balere asked.

  Balere knew Arkham was certifiable, but couldn’t resist fucking with her. Continent, however, either didn’t know this or didn’t care and thus raised his hand.

  Balere elbowed him in the gut, but it was too late. Arkham was on a roll.

  “BAM!” Arkham said as she threw open the cab door and revealed a fucking Komodo dragon lounging all casual like on the seats.

  “Oh, hi, Pretty Lady, you must be Balere. My name’s Fletcher and I’m here to keep you safe…and make all of your dreams come true,” he announced. Actually, the Komodo purred the line, but it was difficult to process every detail through the shock.

  “He seems friendly,” Continent remarked as he laughed at Arkham, who was hopping from one foot to the other in excitement.

  “He talks,” Balere said, frowning. “That’s problem number one.”

  “He’s a terrible flirt, but he’s hot!” Arkham said with a nod.

  “And like most Komodo dragons, I’m guessing he has poor hearing and can’t see a damn thing at night or differentiate a lot of things during the day?”

  “He’s a shifter, so I’m guessing none of the regular rules apply,” Continent threw in all helpful like.

  Ignoring him, Balere continued. “How the fuck did you manage to smuggle a veritable zoo into the country, Arkham?”

  “Granddaddies,” Arkham answered.

  “Of course,” Balere said as she took another moment to stare at the Komodo, who had crawled into the driver’s seat and placed its front paws on the steering wheel like he was about to drive. As motherfucking if, Balere thought a moment before she wondered how the dragon was so flexible.

  “Stay here,” Balere ordered Arkham. Turning to Continent, who was eyeing her sister with a mixture of fear and more fear, she issued a commandment. “Make sure Arkham doesn’t do anything crazier than she already has.” Walking off, Balere pulled out the satellite phone and dialed home. The call was answered on the first ring.

  “Grandma, may I speak with the Granddaddies, please?”

  “Absolutely, but first tell me what they did.”

  “Remember the merman?”

  “Yes, considering he’s still in our pool and your granddaddies threaten him on the daily.”

  “Well, now you’re going to have to do something with a puma, a king cobra snake, and a Komodo Dragon shifter.”

  A moment later her granddaddies came on the line. “It’s not our fault.”

  “Really, Granddaddies?”

  “Yes, really. Arkham wanted the little animals for you…to protect you, baby,” Vampire Granddaddy said without the least bit of repentance in his voice.

  “And we made sure they got all their shots before we snuck them through Customs,” Shifter Granddaddy said helpfully.

  Balere sighed. She should’ve known better than to try and convince her granddaddies of the over-the-lineness of their spoiling. No matter what anyone said, including her Grandma Belva, the Granddaddies simply couldn’t help but spoil their grandbabies, regardless of how old said grandbabies were. Thus, she needed to talk to the voice of reason.

  “You know you two are still wrong.”

  “You should tell your grandma to spank us,” Vampire Granddaddy said.

  “Yes, Belva, did you hear that? Balere said you should spank us,” Shifter Granddaddy said.

  “TMI, everyone,” Balere said, wondering when exactly she’d lost control of the conversation. “Go do what it is you do,” she added, trying to hurry them all off of the phone before she heard stuff.

  “First, you have to tell us you love us,” Vampire Granddaddy said firmly.

  Balere chuckled. “Of course I love you, Granddaddies, even if y’all are crazy.”

  “We love you too, baby.”

  Chapter Four

  Continent had no idea his day was about to be so crazy, but there he was, babysitting Balere’s sister and her animals.

  “So...you’re Australian,” Continent spoke to the lizard not because he gave a shit but so he knew where to ship the body if the lizard made a move wrong.

  “Yep. Lots of people assume that Komodo dragons are from Asia, which isn’t necessarily wrong, but few people know we originated in Australia.” Fletcher said, flicking his tail.

  Continent wondered how many pairs of boots he could get out of that tail. “Good to know. You got a big family?”

  Would anyone miss you if you went missing?

  Normally, Continent wasn’t one for small talk, but he had to cover up the silence because frankly, he was scared of what Arkham would do with it. Balere did have a big rig, and yeah, Arkham could have a body or six in there for all he knew.

  “Yeah, four brothers and two sisters. They’ve all got families of their own so we don’t get together as often as we used to. You know how it is.” Fletcher gave a shrug.

  Continent nodded despite not knowing how it was. The Mann clan didn’t need a reason or an invitation to swarm down on him.

  “The puma and the cobra aren’t shifters as well, are they?”

  “Nope, just my glorious self. The lovely Arkham didn’t realize I was a shifter until I shifted into human form whilst she was attempting to ‘coerce’ me into her vehicle with the aid of duct tape and a big stick. Of course, Arkham didn’t know that coercing wasn’t required, as I’d follow her anywhere.”

  “Like to your own death,” Continent muttered too low for Arkham to hear but plenty loud for the Komodo.

  To his disbelief, the Komodo responded to his words with naught but a grin. The Australian’s complete lack of give a damn about his safety stunned Continent. Sure, Arkham was a good-looking and tall drink of water (for a human), but yeah, any female toting duct tape and a stick and coming at him better be naked and a bed better be nearby.

  “We looked good together and garnered lots of attention. Me with my stunning, golden good looks and her with her dark intensity and all of those lovely curves,” the Komodo said while smiling flirtatiously at Arkham.

  The laugh was out of his mouth and directed at the Australian before Continent even thought to leash it. While it didn’t seem to faze the oversized lizard, it riled up Arkham, who turned and frowned up at him.

  “What?” Continent asked all innocently. It wasn’t his fault the lizard was stupid.

  “Why are you messing with Fletcher?”

  “Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Continent said with a shrug.

  “So is Continent short for ‘incontinent’?”

  Okay, blindsided. “You of all people should refrain from picking on anyone’s name.”

  “Why, my name is freaking awesome…just like my glorious self.”

  “Ah, you Southerners…so good for amusement.”

  “Balere might be ten kinds of crazy, but she will never date you, so enjoy your wanking session tonight.”

  “Ah, you wound me.”

  “Well, if you insist,” Arkham began.

  “So, how long are you just going to stand over there and pretend that you don’t want me?”

  Arkham didn’t respond to his taunt right away. Instead, she blinked up at him for a few silent seconds. Continent couldn’t help but smile. He’d never met anyone so damn disagreeable since MountDenali. Being reminded of MountDenali and eyeing Arkham got him to thinking. His cousin deserved a female who’d shoot him down, call him all kinds of assholes, and ignore his ass. My asshole cousin and Arkham sitting in a tree… He began singing the nursery school rhym
e.

  Of course Arkham didn’t suspect what he was planning, and when she found out it was possible she might maim him, but it’d be so worth it.

  “You’re a wolf, aren’t you?”

  Continent was brought back to the present by MountDenali’s woman’s voice. He liked saying that, even if it was only in his head. This was going to be so good.

  “How—” he began to ask before Arkham cut him off.

  “Because you’re rocking an ‘about to eat you’ look.”

  “Well, the ladies do like when I—” he began only to be cut off by Balere.

  **

  “Continent, stop flirting with my sister. She has cooties. Arkham, stop threatening Continent. He signs my paychecks.”

  “Yeah, but,” they both began.

  Balere simply waved them off. “All right, I’ve called the Granddaddies, who will be here in a few days. Word just came in that the ice roads are ready, which means it’s time for Momma to go make some money. I’ve got a load I need hitched. Continent, congratulations. You get to try and keep Arkham under the radar of the law. Make sure she doesn’t leave anyone in a pool of their own blood or someone else’s blood or your own blood until your deposit for my services hits my account.”

  “How come I can’t go with you?” Arkham whined.

  “Because then the Granddaddies would have to find your body, and after the ass chewing they’re sure to be getting from Grandma, I don’t want to do that to them.”

  “Arkham, take the cat and snake. I’ll keep Fletcher for now.”

  “Why does Fletcher get to go?”

  “Because while animals seem to adore you, and you them, Fletcher has a humanoid form and yeah, you’re not so good with those. Exhibit A, your first name basis with the SWAT team, in five counties. Plus, you have to stay and babysit the rest of your zoo.”

  “I hate Continent. I don’t want to stay with him,” Arkham protested. “And if you try and make me, I promise, he’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice.”

  “With you on top of me?” Continent flirted because that was what he did. Of course, that did nothing but rile up Arkham.