This Really Isn't About You Read online

  Jean Hannah Edelstein

  This Really Isn’t About You

  PICADOR

  For my mother, with love and gratitude

  ‘Because if I tell the story, it doesn’t hurt as much. Because if I tell the story, I can get on with it.’

  Nora Ephron – Heartburn

  CONTENTS

  BETWEEN

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  BEFORE

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  AFTER

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  BETWEEN

  1

  I was in Brooklyn looking for love on OKCupid when my father died. It was a cold February night in 2014. It was almost two years after the night in late spring when my parents called me on Skype – I was at home in London, and they were at home in Baltimore – and Dad looked into the camera and said: I have lung cancer.

  That night in February, I had a rare feeling of contentment, or something like it. After six weeks of not quite having a home, of living between my parents’ house in Baltimore and a temporary spot in Brooklyn, I’d secured a lease on an apartment in a brownstone in Clinton Hill, a pretty neighbourhood in the middle of Brooklyn. I was beginning to feel like it might be time to build my real life in America. Maybe, I thought, I could start working on finding a boyfriend. The other two things were in place: I had a job, and now I had a place to live. Maybe my life was almost under control.

  Getting the lease to my new apartment had not been easy. Until six weeks earlier, when I’d moved to New York City, I had spent all of my adult life outside of the United States, where I’d grown up: in Montreal, Dublin, London, Berlin. This made getting a lease not a chore, but an ordeal. All of the credit-card debt I amassed when I lived abroad counted for nothing to American creditors. It wasn’t that my credit rating was bad. It was zero. To the systems that control money in America, I did not exist. No one would give me a lease on my own. I was a thirty-two-year-old woman, an independent woman, and yet I needed to ask my dad for help. He had agreed to be the guarantor on my new apartment, to sign documents to promise that if I failed to pay the rent he would be held accountable for my delinquency. But the final agreement had been delayed, because my father didn’t like the requests that the letting agency was making. They were asking him to disclose all kinds of personal financial information. My father thought that this went too far.

  Over the course of the previous weekend, Dad and I had discussed the circumstances several times on the phone, and over Skype. I was feeling a little impatient that he was being inflexible. It felt old-fashioned. I had moved to New York City, back to the United States, to be close to him; to be near him and my mother. I appreciated that my father was helping me, knew that I was very lucky that he could help me. But I also felt frustrated.

  The last time we spoke about the lease we were both on camera. I was at the kitchen table in the ground-floor studio apartment I was subletting from a friend. Dad was sitting in front of his laptop in his home office. His face was gaunt, but he was smiling. He was very sick, I knew he was, and so did he, but my parents hadn’t yet started discussing the end, at least not with me. We had not talked about hospice care, or about making plans. I wasn’t going to bring it up.

  In that final call, Dad was wearing black braces because abdominal swelling from the spread of the cancer meant that his belt no longer fit.

  I like your suspenders, I said.

  Thanks, Dad said. I got them for a great deal on Amazon.

  We discussed the lease. The sticking point was my father’s tax returns. He did not want to send copies of them to the letting agency. It was an invasion of his privacy.

  In fact, my father said, disclosing his income might put me in danger. That made me laugh, because although as far as I knew he and my mother were financially comfortable, I did not believe that my father had enough money to make his thirty-two-year-old daughter an appealing victim of a ransomed kidnapping in 2014.

  The last time my father and I spoke about the lease was the last time that we spoke about anything. Had I known this was the case, and had someone said to me: Do you want to say something else, because this is your final conversation with your father? I’m not sure that I would have said anything different. I wouldn’t have known what I was supposed to say.

  Likewise, if someone had said to me: What would you like to be doing when your father dies? I would not have said, I would like to be looking for love on OKCupid. But I did not have the luxury to make that decision. Who does?

  I’d like to tell you in my last conversation with my father I said I loved him, though the truth is I do not remember. The truth is that this was not a thing we said to each other very often, over the phone – my father and I, or anyone in our immediate family. It was just not our usual practice, though my father did sign all of his emails and texts that way: I’m waiting in the car outside the train station. Love, Dad.

  I didn’t know that we would not speak again, but I did take a screenshot of our faces, in that final call. His the size of the screen. Mine small, in the lower right-hand corner. In the screenshot, our faces looked alike. Our love for each other was something, I have to believe, that my father and I both knew and trusted.

  The apartment in Clinton Hill was not the best apartment that I’d seen. The living room didn’t have any windows. The walls were painted a shade that could well have been called ‘Charlotte Perkins Gilman Yellow’. The building was only about a hundred feet from the Brooklyn–Queens Expressway. It was far from the subway that I needed to take to work. In time, after I moved in, I would also learn that the apartment was full of mice, and that the tarmac handball court across the way doubled as an open-air drug market after dark. But it was the apartment that the real-estate agent had shown me with the fewest stairs to the front door. I chose it because I’d imagined that my father would be able to come with my mother to visit me in my new home in Brooklyn before he died. I’d imagined that he’d be able to climb those few stairs.

  In the morning of the day he died my father and I had finally come to a resolution. We’d had an email exchange in which I agreed to tell the agent that it was not necessary for my dad to release his full tax returns, that no one should really make you release your full tax return under any circumstances. I had agreed that he was correct. In the last email he sent me, my dad wrote back: Great! Love, Dad. I smiled.

  That morning, before or after we exchanged these emails, my father had also written another email to his doctor saying his abdominal pain was getting worse, that he was really not feeling well at all. The doctor said she was very sorry to hear that and suggested some new pain-relief options, but she did not suggest that he go to the hospital. Maybe this was for the best. My father’s body had been broken by the cancer, by its spread, and if the doctor had suggested that my father should go to the hospital when he reported his pain, then perhaps he would not have died at home with my mother by his side, which is what happened that night while I was looking for love on OKCupid. My father tried to eat dinner, and then he told my mother that he was really not feeling well, and then he stood up from the easy chair where he had been spending most of his days for the last few weeks, and then he collapsed and died on the wooden floor in the space between the dining area and the family room.

/>   His heart.

  It ruptured.

  I was told there was a lot of blood.

  At that moment, when my father died, I was tucked under a duvet on a mattress on the floor. I had sublet the basement apartment unfurnished and had not yet acquired a bedframe. It seemed like a bad idea to own much until I had a more permanent place for my stuff. That winter, the winter of 2014, there was a weather pattern that had been diagnosed as a ‘polar vortex’, and a draught blew from where the air conditioner was installed in the wall to where my mattress was, a draught that could only be stopped by an air-conditioner cover that no longer existed. I was wearing American Apparel winter leggings and a thermal shirt and a thick handmade cream-coloured winter hat with a pompom. I’d bought the hat for fifty euros from a shop with clean white edges a few doors down from the apartment building where I lived in Berlin. I felt cosy, and content. It was the first time I had felt either of those feelings for some time.

  On the OKCupid profile I built that night, I put up a photo I’d taken of myself standing by the window in the apartment in Berlin that I had moved out of a few weeks earlier. I’d filtered the photo in black and white to make me look younger and more pretty. I put up another photo of me standing in front of a graffiti-covered swan boat in an abandoned Berlin amusement park, where I had gone with some friends to celebrate my thirty-second birthday. I put up a third photograph of me holding my friend’s dog in my lap while he was wearing a medical cone around his neck, so that it looked like I was holding a dog’s head in a martini glass. I hoped that the photos represented the kind of person that I was, or who I wished to be: youngish, prettyish. An appreciator of things that are a little bit absurd. A lover of dogs. In the space for self-description, I wrote something about how I was new to New York. An ex-expat. A person who had not lived in the United States since the late 90s. A time-traveller from the Clinton years. I did not note the reason that I had returned to New York. I did not write: I came back because my father is dying of lung cancer. But to the question about whether I could date a smoker, I replied: Absolutely not.

  I posted my profile. I began correspondences with some men who offered themselves as candidates for whatever it was that I was looking for. What I was looking for was someone who would fall in love with me fast enough so that when my father died, my new boyfriend would be there to hold me while I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t know about the email my father had sent to his doctor that morning. I knew that my father’s health was dire, but I did not know how dire. Of love and death I wondered: which would move faster?

  One man who sent me a message looked sort of handsome and though he was my age he was restarting his career, in his first year of medical school, which I admired. In high school, I had wanted to be a doctor, a dream that I’d abandoned once I got to university and got a C+ in my first science course. Now that my father was dying of lung cancer, I wanted to be a doctor even more.

  Why did you move to New York? the medical student asked, and I wrote back, Well, I needed to be nearer my parents in Baltimore, and because he was a medical student, and therefore I assumed he could handle the truth, I continued.

  My father has lung cancer, I wrote.

  The medical student wrote back: I’m sorry to hear that.

  I replied: Thank you, but under the circumstances he’s doing well, and the medical student wrote: I’m glad to hear that.

  And during the time we had that pleasant exchange of messages, my father had, in fact, died.

  What area code do you want? my friend Elyse had emailed as I was preparing to return to New York – Elyse and I worked together, and she was in charge of organizing my company phone. I wrote back: 410, the Baltimore area code, so that it’s a local call to my parents. Elyse replied kindly: Jean, that hasn’t been a thing for years!

  The last time there was such a thing as a long-distance call between cell phones in different area codes in America was ten years earlier, which was a time when I was not living in America, so how would I have known?

  Make it 410 anyway, I wrote, and Elyse wrote, Sure.

  And so that night when my phone rang with an unfamiliar 410 number – after I’d finished exchanging messages with the medical student, when I had closed my laptop and arranged my duvet and pillows to go to sleep – I looked at the unfamiliar number with the 410 area code and I thought, I’m sure if that’s not a wrong number they’ll leave a voicemail and I can call them back.

  I went to sleep.

  They didn’t leave a voicemail but in the morning there was an email from my mother, sent at a small-hours time that my mother had never emailed me from before.

  Call Arthur before you go to work, is what the email said.

  (My mother had been awake all night. Around six o’clock that morning she had tried to lie down, tried to sleep, which is why she had told me to call my older brother.)

  To get enough phone reception in the ground-floor apartment, I had to go to the window and open it and press myself against the burglar-proof bars as snow drifted through them. In California, where my brother was, it was a touch before four o’clock in the morning. When my brother answered his phone, I could hear that he was crying.

  Jean, he said, it’s very bad. It’s very bad.

  For a second I felt a desperate kind of hope that the bad thing was not the worst thing, just another very bad thing. But, of course, it wasn’t.

  I screamed, three times, a sound I’d never heard.

  I called my friend Kylah, a friend I’d known since I was nine, who knew my father too. She was one of the few people in New York who I knew well. She came to the apartment and washed my dishes and bought me a train ticket to Baltimore while I cried and took a shower. In the shower, while crying, I thought: Maybe I should kill myself, and then I thought: Actually, I guess that is not the point of this at all.

  On the Amtrak train to Baltimore, a trip that takes about three hours from New York City, I pressed my face against a dirty window and cried while listening to my father’s favourite Mozart French horn concerto, one he’d played on Sunday mornings when making pancakes for the family. When the horn concerto finished, I started it again.

  After my father had collapsed on the floor, after the blood, after my mother had called 911, some neighbours saw the ambulance and ran from their homes to help. The unknown phone number was the neighbour’s cell phone. My mother had been trying to call me from the hospital, where the neighbours sat with her after my father’s death was professionally confirmed. I can imagine why she didn’t leave a voicemail.

  My mother rode in the ambulance with my father to the hospital but he was already dead. When the neighbours took her home they asked if they could come inside and help her put the house back in order. My mother told me that she said: No. Thank you, no.

  Later, my mother told me that cleaning up felt like the last thing she needed to do for him, and that she felt she needed to do it on her own. Maybe she also felt that she needed to do it for us: his children.

  When I got to the house in Baltimore it was early in the afternoon. The wooden floor in the space between the dining room and family room was spotless.

  2

  His name was William Alan Edelstein. When he was a child people called him Billy, and later, people called him Bill. One time, long before he met my mother, when he was in graduate school, my father had a girlfriend who said she would prefer to call him by his Hebrew name, which was Gabriel. My father told me that story as an example of something that he found ridiculous.

  My father was born in a small town in upstate New York, called Gloversville. The town was called Gloversville because the main industry was glove manufacturing. In fact, Gloversville was the heart of the American glove industry around the time that my father was born, in 1944. Which is why his family, and many other families of Jewish people, immigrants from Eastern Europe and their firstgeneration American children, moved to Gloversville from New York City: to make gloves, to make families.

  When women and
men stopped wearing gloves to be polite, in the 60s and 70s, the economy in Gloversville tanked, in the way that economies in so many American towns that were driven by manufacturing tanked. Still, my father always loved Gloversville. When I was small, he drove us to see the house where he lived with his grandparents and his mother after his birth, because his father was away in Burma, fixing radios for the Army Air Force. By the time we got there the town was rough around the edges, emptying. But when we all sat together in the family car outside the gabled house where my father had started his life, he beamed.

  When my father was three or four, my grandparents moved to Schenectady, New York, about sixty miles from Gloversville, where they lived in an apartment above a small grocery store and my father’s sister, my aunt Barbara, was born. When my father was about seven his mother, my grandmother Hannah, was diagnosed with colon cancer. She was thirty-two years old. When my father was around twelve the family moved to Chicago so that my grandfather could work with his three brothers in their family business and so my grandmother could get better healthcare. When my father was seventeen his mother died. She was forty-two.

  When my grandmother died, my father told me, no one warned him and his sister that she was dying. Adults told them that she was going to the hospital, and then they told them that she had died. I don’t think my father had very clear memories of the time when his mother died, or if he did, he didn’t want to talk about them. Many years later, in 2010, my father was diagnosed with Lynch syndrome, a genetic condition that gives people a high risk of colon cancer, among many other kinds of cancer. He realized that his mother had also had Lynch syndrome, though at the time of her death the condition didn’t have a name. It was just a tragedy.

  My father was a senior in high school when his mother died, and that autumn he went to the University of Illinois to study physics, and then to Harvard, for graduate school.

  When my father finished his Ph.D. at Harvard, he was thirty years old. He liked to make the point that he hadn’t been a star student in graduate school – he liked to say that it took him nine years because he’d been ‘messing around’. My father’s Ph.D. was in nuclear physics, and when asked about his time at Harvard he would tell people how he would ride his bike through Cambridge, transporting radioactive material between laboratories. Once he was done with his Ph.D., my father liked to say that he had two job offers: one at the bottom of a salt mine in Ohio. One in Glasgow, in Scotland.