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Too Good to Be True: The Colossal Book of Urban Legends
Too Good to Be True: The Colossal Book of Urban Legends Read online
Too Good to Be True
Other books by Jan Harold Brunvand
The Truth Never Stands in the Way of a Good Story
American Folklore: An Encyclopedia
The Baby Train
Curses! Broiled Again!
The Mexican Pet
The Choking Doberman
The Vanishing Hitchhiker
The Study of American Folklore
Readings in American Folklore
Too Good to Be True
The Colossal Book of Urban Legends
Jan Harold Brunvand
Copyright © 1999 by Jan Harold Brunvand
All rights reserved
“The Nude in the RV”: reprinted with the permission of Simon & Schuster from TheWeekend Camper by Dan and Inez Morris. Copyright © 1973 by Dan and Inez Morris. “The Arrest,” “The Bedbug Letter,” and “The Flying Kitten”: © 1986, 1987, and 1993 the Washington Post. Reprinted with permission. “The Blind Man” and “The Blind Date”: Permission granted by Ann Landers and Creators Syndicate.”The Videotaped Theft” and “The Bullet Baby” are taken from a “Dear Abby” column by Abigail Van Buren. Reprinted with permission of Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved. Excerpt in “Urban Legend Parodies” © 1990 by Dave Barry. Reprinted by permission of the author. “Alligators in the Sewers” copyright © 1982 by the New York Times. Reprinted by permission.
For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 500 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10110
Chapter opening illustrations as well as illustrations on the following Chapters by Michael Wood: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 4, Chapter 6, Chapter 8, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Epilogue
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Brunvand, Jan Harold.
Too good to be true : the colossal book of urban legends / Jan
Harold Brunvand.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-393-04734-2
1. Urban folklore—United States. 2. Legends—United States. 3. Urban folklore. 4. Legends. I. Title.
GR105.B715 1999
398.2'0973'091732—dc21 99-17562
W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 500 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10110
www.wwnorton.com
W. W. Norton & Company Ltd., 10 Coptic street, London WC1A 1PU
Scholar Jan Brunvand calls tales of fatal
Pop Rocks candy & hook-handed
molesters this kind of “legend.”
Question: What is urban?
(Topic on Jeopardy, October 24, 1997)
Contents
A Note on Texts and Sources
Introduction: True Stories, Too Good to Be True
1 Jumping to Conclusions
“The Truth Never Stands in the Way of a Good Story”
“The Solid Cement Cadillac”
“The Package of Cookies”
“The Tube on the Tube”
“The Surpriser Surprised”
Version #1: “Why I Fired My Secretary”
Version #2: “The Engaged Couple”
Version #3: “The Fart in the Dark”
“The Hairdresser’s Error”
“The Stolen Wallet”
“The Mexican Pet”
“The Hare Dryer”
As told by Johnny Carson
As told by Michael Landon to Johnny Carson
“The Air-Freighted Pet”
As told by Paul Harvey
“The Poisoned Pussycat at the Party”
“The Bug under the Rug”
As told by Alex Thien
2 Classic Dog Tales
“The Choking Doberman”
“The Swiss Charred Poodle”
“Not My Dog”
“The Licked Hand”
“The Crushed Dog”
“The Dog in the High-Rise”
As told by Truman Capote to Lawrence Grobel
“Fifi Spills the Paint,” aka “Kitty Takes the Rap”
“Take the Puppy and Run”
3 Just Deserts
“The Loaded Dog”
“The Plant’s Revenge”
“The Dead Cat in the Package”
“The Runaway Grandmother”
“The $50 Porsche”
“Dial R-E-V-E-N-G-E”
“Revenge of the Rich”
As told by Paul Harvey
“Gag Me with a Siphon”
“The Stolen Specimen”
“The Videotaped Theft”
“Urban Pancake”
“The Will”
“Promiscuity Rewarded”
4 Automania
“The Hook”
“The Severed Fingers”
“Decapitated Drivers and Riders”
“The Killer in the Back Seat”
As told on Late Night with David Letterman
“The Hairy-Armed Hitchhiker”
“The Boyfriend’s Death”
“The Slasher under the Car”
“The Elephant That Sat on the VW”
“The Arrest”
“The Body on the Car”
“The Wife Left Behind”
“The Baby on the Roof”
“The Nut and the Tire Nuts”
“The Pig on the Road”
“Let’s Give Toll Takers a Hand”
“The Bargain Sports Car”
5 Sexcapades
“The Stuck Couple”
“Stick-Shift Frenzy”
“The Bothered Bride” and “The Grumbling Groom”
“Filmed in the Act”
“Superhero Hijinks”
“Sex in Disguise”
“AIDS Mary” and “AIDS Harry”
6 Losing Face
“The Unzipped Plumber (or Mechanic)”
“The Unzipped Fly”
“The Golf Bag”
“The Unlucky Contacts”
“The Wrong Teeth”
“Bungling Brides”
“The Nude Bachelor”
“Come and Get It!”
“A License to Practice”
“The Witness’s Note”
“The Blind Date”
“Buying Tampax”
7 Accidents Will Happen
“Give Me a High Three”
“The Lawn Mower Accident”
“The Ski Accident”
“The Barrel of Bricks”
“Up a Tree”
“The Last Kiss”
“The Death of Little Mikey”
8 Creepy Contaminations
“The Kentucky Fried Rat”
“The Mouse in the Coke”
“Alligators in the Sewers”
“The Snake in the Store”
“A Bug in the Ear”
“Spiders in the Hairdo”
“The Spider Bite”
“Spider Eggs in Bubble Yum”
“The Spider in the Cactus”
“The Poison Dress”
“The Corpse in the Cask”
“The Accidental Cannibals”
“Hold the Mayo! Hold the Mozzarella!”
9 Sick Humor
“The Kafkaesque Hospital Visit”
“Dental Death”
“The Relative’s Cadaver”
“Gerbilling”
“Scrotum Self-Repair”
“Superglue Revenge”
“The Runaway Patient”
10 Bringing Up Baby
“The Hippie Baby-Sitter”
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“The Baby-Sitter and the Man Upstairs”
“Baby’s Stuck at Home Alone”
“The Inept Mother”
“The Stuffed Baby”
11 Strange Things Happen
“The Vanishing Hitchhiker”
“The Lost Wreck”
“The Death Car”
“The Missing Day in Time”
“The Ghost in Search of Help”
“The Well to Hell”
“The Ghostly Videotape”
“A Dirt-Cheap Way to Sell Real Estate”
“The Devil in the Disco”
12 Funny Business
“The Bedbug Letter”
“Red Velvet Cake”
“Neiman Marcus Cookies”
“Find the Hat”
“The Wife on the Flight”
“Redemption Rumors”
“The Body in the Bed”
“The Cabbage Patch Tragedy”
13 The World of Work
“The Rattle in the Cadillac”
“The Roughneck’s Revenge”
“Fixing the Flue”
“The Locked-Out Pilot”
“Language Boners: The Folklore of Paperwork”
“The Wordy Government Memo”
14 Baffled by Technology
“The Microwaved Pet”
“The Technology Contest”
“Curses! Broiled Again!”
“Push-Starting the Car”
“Cruise Control”
“The Ice-Cream Car”
15 The Criminal Mind
“The Colander Copier Caper”
“A Friend of the Family”
“The Two Hitchhikers”
“The Double Theft”
“The Robber Who Was Hurt”
“A Double-Whammy Theft Legend”
As told by Jack Paar
“The Grocery Scam”
“The Shoplifter’s Hat”
“Indecent Exposure”
“The Attempted Abduction”
“The Unstealable Car”
“Stripping the Car”
“Get Out of Here!”
16 Human Nature
“The Baby Train”
“The Trained Professor”
“Cussing and Clowns”
“Take My Tickets, Please!”
“The Dishonest Note”
“Pass It On”
“The Lottery Ticket”
“Dial 911 for Help”
17 Strays from the Wild Kingdom
“The Kangaroo Thief”
“The Deer Departed”
“Horsing Around”
“The Hapless Water Skier”
“The Giant Catfish”
“The Flying Cow”
“The Fatal Boot”
“Snakes in the Amusement Park”
“The Snake in the Strawberry Patch”
18 Pet Problems
“The Bump in the Rug”
“The Pet Nabber”
“The Flying Kitten”
“The Missionaries and the Cat”
“The Bungled Rescue of the Cat”
“The Eaten Pets”
“The Pet and the Naked Man”
19 Slapstick Comedy
“The Exploding Toilet”
“Stuck on the Toilet”
“The Man on the Roof”
“The Exploding Bra”
“The Nude Housewife”
“The Nude in the RV”
“The Stunned Deer—or Deer Stunt”
20 Bogus Warnings
“Blue Star Acid”
“Lights Out!”
“The Good Times Virus”
“The Kidney Heist”
“The Welded Contacts”
“The Procter & Gamble Trademark”
“The Madalyn Murray O’Hair Petition”
“The Veterans’ Insurance Dividend”
21 Mistaken Identifications
“The Elevator Incident”
“It All Started with Neil (Or Did It?)”
“Sit, Whitey!”
“Black and White”
“The Ice-Cream-Cone Caper”
As told by Paul Harvey