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  CHAPTER VI. A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY--SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, ANDTHE COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES.

  The recollection of the intense feelings of that important period of mylife has, in some measure, disturbed the connection of the narrative,and may possibly have left some little obscurity in the mind of thereader on the subject of the new sources of happiness that had broken onmy own intelligence. A word here in the way of elucidation, therefore,may not be misapplied, although it is my purpose to refer more to myacts, and to the wonderful incidents it will shortly be my duty to laybefore the world, for a just understanding of my views, than to mereverbal explanations.

  Happiness--happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. I aimed at a lifeof useful and active benevolence, a deathbed of hope and joy, and aneternity of fruition. With such an object before me, my thoughts, fromthe moment that I witnessed the dying regrets of my father, had beenintensely brooding over the means of attainment. Surprising as, nodoubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I obtained the clew to thissublime mystery at the late election for the borough of Householder, andfrom the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like other important discoveries, it isvery simple when understood, being easily rendered intelligible to thedullest capacities, as, indeed, in equity, ought to be the case withevery principle that is so intimately connected with the well-being ofman.

  It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the only legitimateobject of all human associations. The ruled concede a certain portionof their natural rights for the benefits of peace, security, and order,with the understanding that they are to enjoy the remainder as theirown proper indefeasible estate. It is true that there exist in differentnations some material differences of opinion on the subject of thequantities to be bestowed and retained; but these aberrations from ajust medium are no more than so many caprices of the human judgment,and in no manner do they affect the principle. I found also that all thewisest and best of the species, or what is much the same thing, the mostresponsible, uniformly maintain that he who has the largest stake insociety is, in the nature of things, the most qualified to administerits affairs. By a stake in society is meant, agreeable to universalconvention, a multiplication of those interests which occupy us in ourdaily concerns--or what is vulgarly called property. This principleworks by exciting us to do right through those heavy investments of ourown which would inevitably suffer were we to do wrong. The propositionis now clear, nor can the premises readily be mistaken. Happiness is theaim of society; and property, or a vested interest in that society,is the best pledge of our disinterestedness and justice, and thebest qualification for its proper control. It follows as a legitimatecorollary that a multiplication of those interests will increase thestake, and render us more and more worthy of the trust by elevating usas near as may be to the pure and ethereal condition of the angels. Oneof those happy accidents which sometimes make men emperors and kings,had made me, perhaps, the richest subject of Europe. With this polarstar of theory shining before my eyes, and with practical means soample, it would have been clearly my own fault had I not steered my barkinto the right haven. If he who had the heaviest investments was themost likely to love his fellows, there could be no great difficulty forone in my situation to take the lead in philanthropy. It is true thatwith superficial observers the instance of my own immediate ancestormight be supposed to form an exception, or rather an objection, to thetheory. So far from this being the case, however, it proves thevery reverse. My father in a great measure had concentrated all hisinvestments in the national debt! Now, beyond all cavil, he loved thefunds intensely; grew violent when they were assailed; cried out forbayonets when the mass declaimed against taxation; eulogized the gallowswhen there were menaces of revolt, and in a hundred other ways provethat "where the treasure is, there will the heart be also." The instanceof my father, therefore, like all exceptions, only went to provethe excellence of the rule. He had merely fallen into the error ofcontraction, when the only safe course was that of expansion. I resolvedto expand; to do that which probably no political economist had everyet thought of doing--in short, to carry out the principle of thesocial stake in such a way as should cause me to love all things, andconsequently to become worthy of being intrusted with the care of allthings.

  On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to my Lord Pledge.At first I had felt some doubts whether the baronetcy would or would notaid the system of philanthropy; for by raising me above a large portionof my kind, it was in so much at least a removal from philanthropicalsympathies; but by the time the patent was received and the fees werepaid, I found that it might fairly be considered a pecuniary investment,and that it was consequently brought within the rule I had prescribedfor my own government.

  The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in making thepurchases that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month wasdiligently occupied in this way. As ready money was not wanting, andI was not very particular on the subject of prices, at the end of thattime I began to have certain incipient sentiments which went to provethe triumphant success of the experiment. In other words I owned much,and was beginning to take a lively interest in all I owned.

  I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales.This division of real property was meant to equalize my sentimentsjustly between the different portions of my native country. Notsatisfied with this, however, I extended the system to the colonies.I had East India shares, a running ship, Canada land, a plantation inJamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales, an indigo concern atBengal, an establishment for the collection of antiques in the IonianIsles, and a connection with a shipping house for the general supplyof our various dependencies with beer, bacon, cheese, broadcloths, andironmongery. From the British empire my interests were soon extendedinto other countries. On the Garonne and Xeres I bought vineyards. InGermany I took some shares in different salt and coal mines; the samein South America in the precious metals; in Russia I dipped deeply intotallow; in Switzerland I set up an extensive manufactory of watches, andbought all the horses for a voiturier on a large scale. I had silkwormsin Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath in Lucca, and amaccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily I sent funds for thepurchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a generalagency in the supply of British articles, such as mustard, porter,pickles, and corned beef, as well as for the forwarding of pictures andstatues to the lovers of the arts and of VIRTU.

  By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of business.Method, suitable agents, and a resolution to succeed smoothed the way,however, and I began to look about me and to take breath. By way ofrelaxation I now descended into details; and for a few days I frequentedthe meetings of those who are called "the Saints," in order to see ifsomething might be done towards the attainment of my object throughtheir instrumentality. I cannot say that this experiment met withall the success I had anticipated. I heard a great deal of subtlediscussion, found that manner was of more account than matter, andhad unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So near a view ofcharity had a tendency to expose its blemishes, as the brilliancy of thesun is known to exhibit defects on the face of beauty, which escape theeye when seen through the medium of that artificial light for whichthey are best adapted; and I soon contented myself with sending mycontributions at proper intervals, keeping aloof in person. Thisexperiment gave me occasion to perceive that human virtues, like littlecandles, shine best in the dark, and that their radiance is chieflyowing to the atmosphere of a "naughty world." From speculating Ireturned to facts.

  The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years, andfinding a singular apathy in ray own bosom on this important subject, Ibought five hundred of each sex to stimulate my sympathies. This led menearer to the United States of America, a country that I had endeavoredto blot out of my recollection; for while thus encouraging a love forthe species, I had scarcely thought it necessary to go so far from home.As no rule exists without an exception, I confess I was a good dealdisposed
to believe that a Yankee might very fairly be an omission inan Englishman's philanthropy. But "in for a penny in for a pound." Thenegroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I was soon theowner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In addition to thesepurchases I took shares in divers South-Seamen, owned a coral andpearl fishery of my own, and sent an agent with a proposition to KingTamamamaah to create a monopoly of sandalwood in our joint behalf.

  The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I hadfulfilled the essential condition of the political economists, thejurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the "talents and decency,"and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I was fit to govern,I was fit to advise, to dictate to most of the people of Christendom;for I had taken a direct interest in their welfares by making them myown. Twenty times was I about to jump into a post-chaise, and togallop down to the rectory in order to lay my newborn alliance with thespecies, and all its attendant felicity, at the feet of Anna, butthe terrible thought of monogamy, and of its sympathy-witheringconsequences, as often stayed my course. I wrote to her weekly, however,making her the participator of a portion of my happiness, though I neverhad the satisfaction of receiving a single line in reply.

  Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the species, I nowquitted England on a tour of philanthropical inspection. I shall notweary the reader with an account of my journeys over the beaten tracksof the continent, but transport him and myself at once to Paris, inwhich city I arrived on the 17th of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had seenmuch, fancied myself improved, and, by constant dwelling on my system,saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon saw the celebrated star whichdefied the duller vision of his uncle the cardinal. At the same time,as usually happens with those who direct all their energies to a givenpoint, the opinions originally formed of certain portions of my theorybegan to undergo mutations, as nearer and more practical views pointedout inconsistencies and exposed defects. As regards Anna in particular,the quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and yet distinct picture of womanlyloveliness that was rarely absent from my mind, had for the pasttwelvemonth haunted me with a constancy of argument that might haveunsettled the Newtonian scheme of philosophy itself. I already more thanquestioned whether the benefit to be derived from the support of one soaffectionate and true would not fully counterbalance the disadvantageof a concentration of interest, so far as the sex was concerned. Thisgrowing opinion was fast getting to be conviction, when I encountered onthe boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the rector's, whogave me the best account of the family, adding, after descanting onthe beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that the dear girl hadquite lately actually refused a peer of the realm, who enjoyed all theacknowledged advantages of youth, riches, birth, rank, and a good name,and who had selected her from a deep conviction of her worth, and ofher ability to make any sensible man happy. As to my own power overthe heart of Anna I never entertained a doubt. She had betrayed it in athousand ways and on a hundred occasions; nor had I been at all backwardin letting her understand how highly I valued her dear self, although Ihad never yet screwed up my resolution so high as distinctly to proposefor her hand. But all my unsettled purposes became concentrated onhearing this welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt leave of my oldacquaintance, I hurried home and wrote the following letter:

  Dear--very dear, nay--dearest ANNA:

  "I met your old neighbor--this morning on the boulevards, and during aninterview of an hour we did little else but talk of thee. Although ithas been my most ardent and most predominant wish to open my heart tothe whole species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone! Absence,so far from expanding, appears to contract my affections, too manyof which centre in thy sweet form and excellent virtues. The remedy Iproposed is insufficient, and I begin to think that matrimony alone canleave me master of sufficient freedom of thought and action to turn theattention I ought to the rest of the human race. Thou hast been with mein idea in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land, in dangersand in safety, in all seasons, regions, and situations, and there is nosufficient reason why those who are ever present in the spirit should bematerially separated. Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope,to breathe a wish, and I will throw myself a repentant truant at thyfeet and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will not loseourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but come forthagain in company to acquire a new and still more powerful hold on thisbeautiful creation, of which, by this act, I acknowledge thee to be themost divine portion.

  "Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species',

  "Forever,

  "JOHN GOLDENCALF.

  "TO MISS ETHERINGTON."

  If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself when this letterwas written, sealed, and fairly despatched. The die was cast, and Iwalked into the air a regenerated and an elastic being! Let what mighthappen, I was sure of Anna. Her gentleness would calm my irritability;her prudence temper my energies; her bland but enduring affectionssoothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around me, myself included, andI found a sweet assurance of the wisdom of the step I had just takenin the expanding sentiment. If such were my sensations now that everythought centred in Anna, what would they not become when these personaltransports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to the action ofthe ordinary impulses! I began to doubt of the infallibility of thatpart of my system which had given me so much pain, and to incline to thenew doctrine that by concentration on particular parts we come most tolove the whole. On examination there was reason to question whetherit was not on this principle even that, as an especial landholder, Iattained so great an interest in my native island; for while I certainlydid not own the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a profoundrespect for everything in it that was in any, even the most remotemanner, connected with my own particular possessions.

  A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness of this shortbut heavenly period became so exciting, so exquisite, that I was on thepoint of giving birth to an improvement on my theory (or rather on thetheory of the political economists and constitution-mongers, for it isin fact theirs and not mine), when the answer of Anna was received. Ifanticipation be a state of so much happiness--happiness being thegreat pursuit of man--why not invent a purely probationary conditionof society?--why not change its elementary features from positive toanticipating interests, which would give more zest to life, and bestowfelicity unimpaired by the dross of realities? I had determined to carryout this principle in practice by an experiment, and left the hotel toorder an agent to advertise, and to enter into a treaty or two, for somenew investments (without the smallest intention of bringing them to aconclusion), when the porter delivered me the ardently expected letter.I never knew what would be the effect of taking a stake in society byanticipation, therefore; the contents of Anna's missive driving everysubject that was not immediately connected with the dear writer, andwith sad realities, completely out of my head. It is not improbable,however, that the new theory would have proved to be faulty, for I haveoften had occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for instance),manifest an hostility to the estate, by carrying out the principleof anticipation, rather than any of that prudent respect for socialconsequences to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety.

  The letter of Anna was in the following words:

  "Good--nay, Dear JOHN:

  "Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is the fifth answer Ihave commenced, and you will therefore see that I do not write withoutreflection. I know thy excellent heart, John, better than it is known tothyself. It has either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the lastimportance to thy fellow-creatures, or it has led thee cruelly astray.An experiment so noble and so praiseworthy ought not to be abandoned onaccount of a few momentary misgivings concerning the result. Do not staythy eagle flight at the instant thou art soaring so near the sun! Shouldwe both judge it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy wife at afuture day. We are still young, and there is no urgen
cy for an immediateunion. In the mean time, I will endeavor to prepare myself to be thecompanion of a philanthropist by practising on thy theory, and, byexpanding my own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of onewho has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many and so truly.

  "Thine imitator and friend,

  "Without change,

  "ANNA ETHERINGTON.

  "To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart.

  "P.S.--You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I havejust refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because I found I loved all hisneighbors quite as well as I loved the young peer himself."

  Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the shape of so manydemons of jealousy. Anna expanding her affections! Anna taking any otherstake in society than that I made sure she would accept through me! Annateaching herself to love more than one, and that one myself! The thoughtwas madness. I did not believe in the sincerity of her refusal of LordM'Dee. I ran for a copy of the Peerage (for since my own elevation inlife I regularly bought both that work and the Baronetage), and turnedto the page that contained his name. He was a Scottish viscount whohad just been created a baron of the united kingdom, and his age wasprecisely that of my own. Here was a rival to excite distrust. By asingular contradiction in sentiments, the more I dreaded his power toinjure me, the more I undervalued his means. While I fancied Anna wasmerely playing with me, and had in secret made up her mind to bea peeress, I had no doubt that the subject of her choice was bothill-favored and awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar. Whilereading of the great antiquity of his family (which reached obscurity inthe thirteenth century), I set it down as established that the firstof his unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief, and, at the verymoment that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and retractingher coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he spoke with anunintelligible border accent, and that he had red hair!

  The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed intothe open air for relief. How long or whither I wandered I know not; buton the morning of the following day I found I was seated in a guinguettenear the base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll and refreshingmyself with sour wine. When a little recovered from the shock ofdiscovering myself in a situation so novel (for having no investmentin guinguettes, I had not taken sufficient interest in these popularestablishments ever to enter one before), I had leisure to look aboutand survey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboringclasses were drinking on every side, and talking with a vehemence ofgesticulation and a clamor that completely annihilated thought. Thisthen, thought I, is a scene of popular happiness. These creatures areexcellent fellows, enjoying themselves on liquor that has not paid thecity duty, and perhaps I may seize upon some point that favors my systemamong spirits so frank and clamorous. Doubtless if any one among them isin possession of any important social secret it will not fail toescape him here. From meditations of this philosophical character Iwas suddenly aroused by a violent blow before me, accompanied with anexclamation in very tolerable English of the word,

  "King!"

  On the centre of the board which did the office of a table, and directlybeneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful dimensions, that incolor and protuberances bore a good deal of resemblance to a freshlyunearthed Jerusalem artichoke. Its sinews seemed to be cracking withtension, and the whole knob was so expressive of intense pugnacity thatmy eyes involuntarily sought its owner's face. I had unconsciously takenmy seat directly opposite a man whose stature was nearly double thatof the compact, bustling sputtering, and sturdy little fellows who werebawling on every side of us, and whose skinny lips, instead of joiningin the noise, were so firmly compressed as to render the crevice of themouth no more strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a man ofsixty. His complexion was naturally fair, but exposure had tanned theskin of his face to the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; thoseparts which a painter would be apt to term the "high lights" beingindicated by touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth-proof brandy.His eyes were small, stern, fiery, and very gray; and just at theinstant they met my admiring look they resembled two stray coals that bysome means had got separated from the body of adjacent heat in theface. He had a prominent, well-shaped nose, athwart which the skinwas stretched like leather in the process of being rubbed down on thecurrier's bench, and his ropy black hair was carefully smoothed overhis temples and brows, in a way to show that he was abroad on a holidayexcursion.

  When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me a nod of friendlyrecognition, for no better reason that I could discover than the factthat I did not appear to be a Frenchman. "Did mortal man ever listen tosuch fools, captain?" he observed, as if certain we must think alike onthe subject.

  "Really I did not attend to what was said; there certainly is muchnoise."

  "I don't pretend to understand a word of what they are saying myself;but it SOUNDS like thorough nonsense."

  "My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from nonsenseby mere intonation and sound--but it would seem, sir, that you speakEnglish only."

  "Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great traveller, I have beencompelled to look about me, and as a nat'ral consequence I speak alittle of all languages. I do not say that I use the foreign parts ofspeech always fundamentally, but then I worry through an idee so asto make it legible and of use, especially in the way of eating anddrinking. As to French, now, I can say 'don-nez-me some van,' and'don-nez-vous some pan,' as well as the best of them; but when there area dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with these herechaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape's Hill and hold aconversation with the people he will meet with there, as to pretend tohold a rational or a discussional discourse. For my part, where there isto be a conversation, I like every one to have his turn, keeping up thetalk, as it might be, watch and watch; but among these Frenchmen itis pretty much as if their idees had been caged, and the door beingsuddenly opened, they fly out in a flock, just for the pleasure ofsaying they are at liberty."

  I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting being, hisratiocination being connected by regular links, and that he did notboost his philosophy on the leaping-staff of impulse, like most of thosewho were sputtering, and arguing, and wrangling, with untiring lungs,in all corners of the guinguette. I frankly proposed, therefore, that weshould quit the place and walk into the road, where our discourse wouldbe less disturbed, and consequently more satisfactory. The proposal waswell received, and we left the brawlers, walking by the outer boulevardstowards my hotel in the Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs Elysees.