Burning Guilt Read online

  Inger Gammelgaard Madsen

  Burning Guilt

  SAGA Egmont

  Burning Guilt

  Translated by Signe Holst Hansen

  Original title: Brændende skyld

  Original language: Danish

  Cover image: Shutterstock

  Copyright © 2017, 2021 Inger Gammelgaard Madsen and SAGA Egmont

  All rights reserved

  ISBN: 9788726625653

  1st ebook edition

  Format: EPUB 2.0

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrievial system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor, be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

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  Saga Egmont - a part of Egmont, www.egmont.com

  Chapter 1:6

  The garage went silent, as he turned off the car motor. His unnaturally fast breath was the only sound.

  The lights had illuminated the worktable as he drove in. Lukas had apparently worked on the birdhouse again without cleaning up after himself. There was wood dust everywhere and the saw was not in its place among the tools on the wall. His son had apparently given up on his project – again. He felt a bit of joy knowing he had at least tried, and not just given up to go sit in front of the TV or computer. Nine-year-old boys should be active, and he did not like sports, unlike Mia who went to handball practice twice a week. Of course, she was a few years older, so maybe it would change as he grew older.

  He found himself feeling annoyed that his son never listened, and that he had not inherited his dad’s nimble fingers, or his sense of order. They had drawn the outlines of all the tools on the walls together, so finding the place for the saw should not be that difficult. His stomach acid bubbled and his heart started beating faster.

  He leaned back in his seat with his hands on the steering wheel, as if he was still driving, closed his eyes, and tried to chase away the irritation and anger. The saw was not the problem. Neither was the mess, or Lukas.

  He was the problem - his frustrations and bad choices. Maybe everything back then would never have happened, if he had just gotten over himself and told everything to Alice. He felt that she had been suspicious for a while. He had seen it every time he had worked late, or when he told her he had a conference abroad. She had known, but she had not said anything. Did she really love him that much? Did she think she had no better prospects than him? She was a beautiful woman, and she could have whoever she wanted.

  He opened his eyes and stared into the darkness. A burning jealousy slid through him at the thought of Alice with another man. That alone showed him what a despicable man he was. He had no right to feel like that, nor to feel the relief that rushed through him as he drove past the villa and saw that the lights had been turned off, which meant Alice and the kids had gone to bed. Of course, they had. The kids had to get up early and go to school, and Alice had an early shift at the hospital. Maybe going to bed early was a protest for her.

  He should have called home, but finally something had happened. Tomorrow he would know.

  After meeting her again and looking into her eyes, he could not let go of the case. He should have left it after all those years had gone by. It was an accident; it said so in the report. But he had suspected something more the entire time. Was he driven by his professionalism, or was it something else? Alice had asked what was bothering him. She could feel it too, of course, caring and observant as she was. She could feel the hidden sorrow and the thoughts that were anywhere but on her and the children. He could have been honest and told her everything here; come clean and cleansed his soul and his life. It did not matter now anyway. Nothing mattered.

  He swallowed a lump in his throat and squeezed his thumb and index finger tightly around the root of his nose to take away the urge to cry. She had been special and he was sure now that he had loved her...really loved her. It was not just lust and sex like it had been with the others. She was not just another digression that Alice pretended to know nothing about. For once, he had not been drawn by youth or beauty. It was something else; something closer and more intimate. It was an undefinable connectedness, both physically and mentally, that he had never experienced with any other woman. Not even with Alice.

  The neighbor’s dog started barking. He pulled himself together and opened the car door. The inevitable loud smack echoed in the garage as he closed the car door. He stepped on a piece of wood with a bent nail and cursed inwardly as he turned on the lights and put it on the worktable.

  Lukas had gotten farther with the birdhouse. He picked it up and examined it from all sides. One part of the roof was a bit crooked, and one of the nails was poking out a bit, but otherwise it looked good. He smiled spontaneously and wistfully, and dried his eyes. Tomorrow he would help him finish it.

  The children were the main reason he had not told her. Lukas and Mia. Would he be able to live without them? Would that even have been necessary? She would have loved them too, he was sure of that. She had children of her own. That fact sent his thoughts back to the case. He hoped Torben had not noticed the old report when he came back unexpectedly tonight. His partner paid unusually close attention to details. It made him a good cop. He had stood up and grabbed his coat from the back of his chair, so it looked like he was on the way home. He hoped he had seemed convincing.

  He opened the left backdoor of the car, grabbed his jacket and bag from the backseat, threw the coat over his shoulder and left the garage. It was a relatively warm March evening. The stars were bright in the sky and the dried leaves in the beech hedge rustled a bit in the wind.

  Max, the neighbor’s dog, was still barking. The dog was usually quiet when it walked around in the fenced garden, and it never barked at him, because it knew him. He looked up the street. A car was parked in front of the neighbor’s house, a few feet away from the street light: A dark Peugeot 208. But it could not have been visitors, because there were no lights in the windows. Maybe Max was home alone? He thought about going over and talking to the dog to calm it. He would rather wait a while longer before climbing into bed next to Alice. He did not want to explain why he was so late, or maybe she would just stare into the darkness with her back to him. He had not told her he would be working late tonight, and she had called him several times on his cell phone, but he had not answered.

  The car in the darkness looked like it was smiling mischievously. He smiled a bit at that thought. Lukas had taught him to look at cars like that. His son had seen too many cartoons and could see faces in all car models. He had always had a vivid imagination. Either they smiled in a sweet, mischievous or sneaky way, or they were mad or angry. Lukas had explained how the lights are the eyes and the radiator grille is a mouth with teeth.

  The car was not a usual visitor with the neighbors, an elderly married couple who rarely had company. It looked like someone was behind the wheel. He squeezed his eyes together. A dark silhouette showed itself against the weak light from the street lamp behind it.

  They had recently investigated an organized crime gang who watched neighborhoods before robbing them. He started walking towards the car and shaded his eyes with his arm, as powerful lights suddenly turned on and blinded him. The tires squealed as the car started and raced forwards. He barely had time to realize what was happening before the radiator grille crushed his knee and thighbone, and hurled him into the air, so he landed on the asphalt behind the car as if he were a ragdoll. He turned his head and saw the red lights disappear.

  The rough asphalt cut into his cheek. He tried to stand up, but the pain was too strong. He vomited up some
blood, and almost fainted. The dog barked louder, and it sounded as if he were trying to get over the fence to him. The lights suddenly flicked on in a window on the end wall.

  Lukas’ room.

  He closed his eyes and felt the blood run out the side of his mouth. He tried in vain to lift his arm to wipe it off. Lukas could not see him like this. The motor sound made him open his eyes again and turn his head. He was in the middle of the street and a car was coming towards him. He tried desperately to crawl away like an animal in the street, but he could not move. With great effort, he reached his hand in the air and spread his fingers against the harsh beams of the car’s lights, as if he could stop it. The car reached him with excessive speed. He realized it was the same car. Now the front tire was so close to his eyes, he could see the pattern on it. He gave a piercing scream with the last strength he had left.

  Police inspector Axel Borg tried to hide his emotions at hearing it was one of his own who had just been taken to forensic in the silent ambulance. No sirens. No urgency. Reluctantly, he looked at the pool of blood on the road where the crime technicians in white coveralls were putting up little, triangular, yellow numbered signs. It looked like the beginning of a card pyramid. A technician picked something up from the road with a pair of tweezers. He did not want to think of what it could be. He noted how there were no skid marks in front of the red pool of blood, which had started to seep into the black asphalt.

  A technician nodded a brief hello at him and took photos of a yellow sign with the number “5,” which had been put next to a faint imprint from a muddy tire. Axel looked away when he realized it was not mud. He removed his hands from the pockets of the dark grey, woolen trench coat and looked towards the house. He swallowed a lump in his throat. It was always difficult to talk to the families.

  Actually, he did not even have to. It turned out that Katja, the new female officer of his department, had a talent for that and she had already taken care of it. She was so new she barely knew Johan. But Axel knew Alice. They had danced at the department’s Christmas party not even four months ago. Johan did not dance. To be honest, neither did he, but Alice was hard to stay away from, and in a weird way he felt bad for her. Everyone at work knew that Johan was not a loyal husband. He had no idea if Alice knew that too. But what did that matter now? What did any of that matter now, when you were faced with death?

  With heavy feet, he walked up the stone stairs to the front door of the villa and pressed the doorbell. There was sand on the steps; it crunched beneath his shoes. The doorbell played a happy melody that did not fit the situation in the least. He only heard it faintly through the heavy oak door and rubbed his greying mustache with his thumb and index finger while he waited. A nervous habit he had grown accustomed to since the beard had grown longer; it also assured him that his beard was free of crumbs from the piece of Danish he had been eating with his evening coffee, when the tragic message came from the duty officer.

  He looked at his watch. 1:15. Katja had probably left, and if Alice could not cope with it now, it could wait. Maybe she had gone to bed. He did not dare ring the doorbell again. He would rather postpone it and was just about to turn around and go back to his car with relief, when he heard the door behind him being opened. Alice had puffy, red eyes and her bottom lip quivered slightly. She was not wearing any makeup, not at all like the Christmas party where she had looked like a supermodel. Makeup worked wonders on most women, but he actually liked her better without it.

  She said nothing, just opened the door for him and walked back towards the living room. She looked good in her pajamas as well. Her chestnut brown, curly hair was in a tousled ponytail. She sat on the couch with her children. The girl, Mia, he thought, had been crying, but the boy looked like he was in shock. They were wearing sleepwear too. The daughter was wearing a pink, flowered nightdress with lace edges; the boy was wearing pajamas. Axel caught himself counting how many different dinosaurs were printed on the top.

  He cleared his throat.

  “I’m so sorry, Alice,” he croaked hoarsely.

  Alice nodded. The quivering lips formed a silent thank you.

  He sat down in the armchair in front of the couch where they all sat close together, as if to protect themselves against any more accidents. Alice put her arm around the boy, who sat closest to her, pulled him towards her and looked at Axel. She fought to get the words out.

  “Do you…” She cleared her throat. “Do you know, who it was?”

  He shook his head.

  “No, not yet. I won’t be the one to find him.”

  “You won’t? But, who…” She shot him a confused look.

  “Those are the rules, Alice. We’re not allowed investigate our own people.”

  “But then who’ll find the driver? Who knows Johan better than you?”

  “That’s the problem. I know Johan too well and so do the rest of his colleagues. Usually the neighboring police force will handle the investigation.”

  Alice sank even further back into the couch, almost paralyzed. The wet eyes were still on him, and yet it was as if they saw nothing.

  “I didn’t hear anything; I didn’t even hear him come home. We had gone to bed, and…”

  “Don’t blame yourself, Alice.”

  “What was he working on…that late?”

  “He came from work?” Axel asked, surprised, and could have bitten off his tongue. He did not want to look like a boss who had no control over what his people did, even though that was apparently the case.

  “I don’t know, of course, he…” Alice went silent and looked at the children next to her. He guessed what she was going to say.

  “He might have taken a few more hours trying to clear up something, he is…was always so devoted to his duty, and…we had been busy with a big drug case, as you probably know,” he said, a bit too eagerly.

  Alice looked at her boy’s blonde spiky hair, kissed it and nodded. He looked at her.

  “It was a policeman, Mom,” he said with a clear, high voice.

  “What do you mean, Lukas?”

  “The guy who hit dad with his car was a policeman. He was wearing a cap like the one dad has.”

  Alice looked at Axel with confusion.

  “Are you sure, Lukas?”

  The boy nodded and looked at him with big, round blue eyes. They looked like Johan’s, whose eyes had had that babyish, innocent look about them, too. Maybe that was what drew in all the women.

  “Did you see the car?” Axel held the boy’s stare. He did not blink, but only nodded silently.

  “That’s not true. You always make stuff up to sound more interesting,” the girl said with a tearful voice and pulled her bare legs under her on the couch. She looked defiantly at her brother.

  “But it’s true!”

  “Was he driving a police car?” Axel asked.

  Lukas thought about it and shook his head.

  “See! If he was a policeman, he would’ve driven a police car,” she sneered. She dried her wet cheeks with both her hands.

  “Don’t lie about stuff like that, Lukas. This is really important. Did you see the car?”

  Alice bent over to look her son in the eyes.

  “Yes I did. And it was a police man. Like dad. He was driving a small, evil car.”

  “Evil car?” Axel repeated with a short, forced smile. “Do you know the car model?”

  Lukas bit his lower lip, shook his head and hid it in his mother’s chest. She pulled him closer and looked pleadingly at Axel.

  “I think we’re tired now, so…”

  He immediately stood up from his chair. He was fine with leaving.

  “Of course, I’m sorry. I’ll keep you posted about the case.”

  Alice covered Luka and Mia with a blanket and walked him to the door. She folded her arms over her chest and rubbed her shoulder, as if she was cold.

  “It was nice of you to come by, Axel. Lukas has a lively imagination. I don’t know if he actually saw anything. I think he was
asleep, so…”

  “I’ll check it out, Alice,” he said and opened the door. “Call if you need anything, okay? Anything!”

  Alice nodded and closed the door after him.

  His body shook in the sudden cold and he jogged down the stairs to his car. The crime technicians were working in the garage. A dog barked next door.

  It was difficult falling asleep. It had been like that since Sonja moved, but tonight it was worry, rather than anger, regret, and blame that had kept him up. He had awoken in a sweat, tossed, and turned until he had just decided to get up. He drank a glass of milk and stared at the full moon, bright as the lamp at the bar where he wished he were.

  For a moment, he had been tempted to taste his expensive, 21-year-old El Dorado rum, but he knew himself well enough to refrain. Instead, he had kneeled down in front of the cage and talked to the ‘rat’, as he liked to call Elisabeth’s hamster. He had allowed it to live with him, so it was there when she visited her dad every second weekend or occasionally, when she came by after school. The school was not far from the townhouse, which was why he had bought it in the first place.

  Sonja did not like rodents, but the little creature did not bother Axel. It was easy to take care of. Actually, it pretty much took care of itself, and it kept him company. It would die soon anyway. He knew hamsters only lived for about three years, and his daughter had had it for two and a half years, so it had to be coming soon. For some, death was predestined. For others, it hit suddenly and unexpectedly.

  The worry kept at him in the car towards the police station and grew bigger. His cell phone rang as he drove by the water on Christian the 8th ’s road. The Police director expressed his compassion at the loss of a good and talented coworker. He announced that East Jutland’s police force would be overseeing the investigation, and that it was important they were told everything worth knowing about Johan Boje. Axel had mixed feeling about not leading the investigation, but he hoped it did not shine through. Those were just the rules.