Mr. Scraggs Read online

  V

  THE MOURNFUL NUMBER

  "It's a great misfortune to be superstishyous," said Mr. Scraggs."Such a thing would never have troubled me if I hadn't a-learntfrom experience that facts carried out the idee. Now, you takethat number thirteen. There's reason for believin' it's unlucky.One reason is, when things is all walkin' backwards folks saysthey're at sixes and sevens. Well, six and seven makes thirteen,so there you are."

  "I ain't much more than arrived," replied Red, rubbing his headdubiously.

  "I'm comin' fast," said Charley; "but don't wait for me, Zeke."

  "Well, that's only speculation, anyhow," continued Mr. Scraggsindulgently; "and speculation has made heaps of trouble for pilesof people if I'm to believe what I read, which I don't. But here'scold facts. I was born on the thirteenth of April, at a time whenme and the country was both younger than we are now. Hadn't beenfor that I'd dodged considerable mishaps. It was on the thirteenthof October last, in the early mornin', that I mistook thatrattlesnake for a chunk of wood and heaved him in the stove."

  "Well, where's the bad luck in that?" asked Charley.

  "Inquire of the snake," said Mr. Scraggs; "besides, he smelt awful.I don't seem to be able to bring back any mornin' I cared less forbreakfast than that one. Suppose you was a happy rattlesnake,Charley, with a large and promisin' fambly; suppose, now, on afrosty thirteenth of October you crawled under the cook-stove toget warm the minute the camp cook opened the door, and, before youlimbered up enough to bite him, cooky lays cold and unfeelin' handsupon you and Jams you into the stove--ain't the number thirteengoin' to carry unpleasant recollections for you from that on? Betyour life. Howsomever, these are only small details. My mainproof that the number thirteen ain't any better than it orter belies in the fact that one day I married the thirteenth in Mrs.Scraggs. If I'd never'd hearn of such a thing I'd know'd thirteenwas no good from that time on. This ain't to cast reflections onthe other Mrs. Scraggses, neither. I will say for them wimmen thatanything simple-heartedness could do to prepare a man to meet hisend cheerful they done. But Mehitabel the Thirteenth, of thereignin' family of Scraggs, was a genius. Uncle Peter Paisley usetto say that a genius was a person that could take a cork and adryness of the throat, and with them simple ingrejents construct acase of jim-jams. More than one-quarter of the time Uncle Peteknew what he was talkin' about, too, and the rest of it he was toohappy to care. Mehitabel was a sure-enough genius: she could makea domestic difficulty out of a shoestring, she could draw a famblyjar through a hole in a sock, and she could bring on civil war overthe question of whether there was anything to quar'l about,

  "Come Christmastime, I thought I'd leave home for a spell. Therewas an old friend of mine holdin' down a mine out in the hills. Iknew he wouldn't have no company around, and I pined for solitude.There is a time in the affairs of men, as Shakespeare says, when apair of cold feet beats any hands in the deck. Keno Jim saidShakespeare said so, and Shakespeare's too dead to argue.

  "'So I puts on a pair of them long, slidin' snowshoes they call'skees' and slips for William Pemberton and the lonesome mountains.People don't call a thing 'skee' unless they hev good reason forit. Before I caught the hang of them durn disconnected bob-sleds Isaw where the 'skee' come in. The feller that loaned 'em to mekindly explained that you slid down the hills on 'em, and it wasgreat sport. When I clumb the first hill and stood perspirin' ontop I felt entitled to a little sport. 'Hooray!' says I, andpushed loose. It was a long, wide, high hill with trees and thingson it. Some time after I started, say about three seconds, Ithought I'd like to slack a bit and view the scenery. The way Iwas travelin' the scenery looked like the spokes of a flywheel. Ileft my stummick and my immortal soul about ten rods behind me.You could play checkers on my coat-tail, as the sayin' is. Man!And I pushed up a hurricane. It cut my eyes so I cried icicles afoot long. _Roar-row-roor-s-s-wish_! we went in the open, and_me-a-arrr_! we ripped through the timber. I crossed a downed logunexpected and flew thirty foot in the air. Whilst aloft I see acreek dead ahead of me. There wasn't nothin' to do but jump when Icome to it, so I jumped. I don't care a cuss whether you believeme or not, dear friends and brothers, but I want to tell you rightnow that I cleared the creek with something like one hundred andeighty feet to spare! At which I took to throwin' summersaults. Ithrew one solid quarter-mile of summersaults before that suddentcravin' was satisfied.

  "'Y-a-as,' says I when I picked myself up. 'Well, I reckon I'vedone enough of this here skeedaddlin' for one mornin'. So afterthat I went along quiet and dignified to William Pemberton's.

  "I hit his cabin on Christmas Eve, findin' him very low-spirited.It seems that he was expectin' an attack from some people anxiousto jump the claims, thereby gettin' the mill standin' on theproperty. The feller that hired Billy as watchman promised himeverything and forgot it. Billy was almighty faithful buthot-tempered'

  "'Think of it!' says he to me. 'I gets word two days ago that thegang is comin' to hop me, and old man Davis ain't even sent me arifle, like he agreed. What does he expect? Does he haveillusions that when they come squirtin' lead at me I'm goin' to pegat 'em with snowballs?'

  "Then he laid back, fightin' for breath, and kickin' out with hislegs till I loosened his collar. It was a terrible strain, bein'watchman of a mill under them conditions, with a disposition likethis. I pitched in to make him feel better. After I'd narratedsome incidents that went to make up livin' with Mrs. Scraggs hechirped up considerable. 'Well, sir! This _is_ a gay world, ain'tit?' says he. 'I wisht I could offer you something to drown yoursorrers in, Zeke, but unless you happen to have brought along themakings of a flowing bowl we can't put an end to 'em at this ranch.'

  "Well, now, that was sorrerful tidin's. I reckon William tooknotice of my face--Christmas Eve, alone on top of a God-forsakenmountain and not a smell of anything to make the sun rise in oursouls--oh, murder!

  "'I feel awful bad about this, Zeke,' says he.

  "'Don't mention it,' says I as soon's I could tune my pipes to acheerful lie. 'Your presence is sufficient.'

  "'But I have an idee,' says he, pushing his finger agin my ribs.'Don't git excited, Zeke, only to be cast down the harder, butthere's a chance. All last summer we had stockholders'investigation meetings, and the way old man Davis led 'em to makeinvestigations through a glass darkly was a sin and a scandal. Thealtytood was too altytoodinous for strangers, says old man Davis,and therefore they must take a drink; and it was too cold and toohot, too wet and too dry, and if everything else failed it was toocussed mejium for them to live through it without takin' a drink.The consequence was that all I remember about a stockholder is thathe's a kind of man with wibbly-wabbly knees and feet that wants toswap sides, who spends his time hiccupin' up and down the minetrails, findin' specimens when and where old man Davis wills.'

  "William Pemberton smote his forehead with the flat of hishand--everything took hold of William _so_ vi'lent. 'I give you myword, Zeke,' says he, 'that them horse-car busters picked hunks ofred serpentine, loaded with gold from the Texas Star, out of ourwhite quartz ledges that never see gold since Adam played tag, andbelieved it was all right--just the same as the gent pulls a rabbitout of your hat at the show, and you're convinced that rabbit wasthere all the time unbeknownst to you. And to think--' he says.

  "'Sit down, William, sit down,' says I. 'I don't know what to dofor appleplexy.'

  "'Well, I'll sit down to oblige you, Zeke; but to think of themflappy-footed yawps puttin' away good liquor by thepailful--pailful?' yells William scornful.'Barrelful--steam-enjine b'ilerful--

  "'Well,' says I hastily, 'you was sayin' you had an idee?'

  "'Oh, yes!' says he. 'It don't stand in reason they rounded upevery last bottle, so it occurred to me that if we hunted we mightmake discoveries.'

  "'Why, so we could!' I hollers loud and hearty, with more notion ofcreatin' a diversion, however, than any rank faith in my havin' agood time off what old man Davis overlooked. 'It'll be likehide-and-go
-seek of a Christmas Eve when we was kids, William.'

  "So we scrimmaged round here and there till there was only onecloset in the cabin left.

  "'I saved it till the last--it's the most likely,' says William.'Shine a light on our departing hopes, Ezekiel.'

  "He put his hand very careful toward the back. 'E. G. W., sayshe,' 'my fingers have teched something cold and smooth, just like abottle--pull hard, Ezekiel.'

  "I took a long breath and pulled hard.

  "'It _is_ round,' says William Pemberton. 'It _is_ a bottle.'

  "Nothin' could be heard but the beatin' of our hearts.

  "'Is it--is it--_heavy_, William?' I falters. Then you couldn'thear nothin', for our hearts had cease to beat. He let loose of aroar same as a lion that's skipped atop of his prey.

  'Ezekiel G. W. Scraggs!' he shrieks, 'she's full!'

  "'I wish no better luck myself,' says I. 'Trot her out!'

  "When the light of the lantern fell upon that bottle we got ashock. Instead of the cheerin' color that usually fills usefulbottles, the contents of this here one was green--green as grassoff a June hillside.

  "'Well!' says William, 'what in--where in--why, it's perfumery!' hehollers, and raises it for a smash.

  "'Hold, William! Hold!' says I. 'It's got red sealin'-wax on thetop. If you break it before we take a sample you and me is thebest of friends parted in the middle, not to mention thedisturbance we'll make in this room.'

  "So I took it away from him and looked at it in the candle-light.Sure enough, there was the inspirin' words on it, 'Liqueur--Cremede Menthe.' A furreign way of spellin' liquor, to be sure, butwhat's a letter or two out of the way, so long as the results is insight?

  "'William,' says I, 'L-i-q, lick, u-e-u-r, er--licker. Getglasses, William, and let us be joyful.'

  "William mumbled somethin' about green not bein' a joyful color,but he went and did as I told him.

  "That stuff smelt of perpemint, fearful. It was a young ladies'bevridge if ever I hit one. We sot opposite each other, filled atumbler apiece, says, 'Here's how,' and waited. We waited quitesome time.

  "'Ezekiel, do you notice anythin'?' says William. Well, to tellthe truth, I hadn't; yet it might only been fancy, so I says,'Seems to me I _do_, William--nothin' vi'lent, nor musical, norhumorous--but a kind of a tranquil, preliminary,what-you-might-call-indication of somethin' to follow.'

  "'Huh,' says William, 'let's try another.

  "We was careful to load to the brim this time. After five minutesI says, 'Are you sure you don't notice nothin,' William?' Iobserved a risin' color in his face.

  "'U-m-m--y-a-as,' says he most sarcastical; 'I notice somethin',Ezekiel--a strong smell of peppermint--not escaped you, perhaps?Well, there's just one more swig of green paint goin' to forceitself into the midst of William Pemberton, and if there ain't moreto show for it than the present odor and a sensation 'sif I'd beenturned inside out and exposed to the wintry blasts you'll hear fromme, Ezekiel. I've stood,' says William, 'about all I'm prepared tostand. The next act will be for me to proceed to get a move on.'

  "Knowin' what a powerful disposition he had I most sincerely hopedour next glass would bring about satisfactory conclusions. Idowned her, but it had got to be all I could do, I felt a freezin'cold in my vitals, like William had complained of, instead of thewarmth and comfort for which I looked. Y-a-as, I swallered thatglass by main strength, like a snake would a hop-toad--kinderlengthened myself until I was outside of it.

  "'Tick-tick-tick,' remarks William's clock on the wall. When ithad arranged its hands before its mild countenance in such a way asto inform me that twenty minutes, mountain time, had done all theelapsin' possible, I slid my anxious gaze on William. He held tohis chair with both hands, and white spots showed in his cheeks,the way he chawed his teeth together.

  "'Ahem,' says I, clearin' my throat, 'Hum--ah, do you--er--do youno--'

  "I got no farther. William leant over and bent his finger doubleagin my chest. 'Full well,' says he in a tone of v'ice not loudbut so loaded with meanin' it bumped on his teeth--'full well,Ezekiel George Washington Scraggs, do I assimerlate what theresults of such a course will be, but if you should persume to astme any more if I notice anything I shall at once arise and bat youin the eye--I am beyond carin' for conserquences.'

  "'Now, now, now! What is the use of gettin' so excited? Take adrink of water--you'll bust your b'iler, foamin' like that,' I says.

  "'Water!' says William. 'Ha, ha, ha.' It wasn't no giggle, thatlaugh of his. It was one of them blood-curdlers you read about.

  "'All right," says he, brisk, 'to oblige you--remember that.' Heturned the dipper upside down, then heaved it through the window.'Sufferin' Ike'' says he, "I can't even taste it--nothin' but cold,cold. Went down my gullet like a buckshot down a ten-foot shaft.'He struggled for air and continued; 'Here am I,' says he, 'WilliamPemberton, celebratin' Christmas by dyeing my linin' green andsmellin' like a recess in a country school.' His ventilation giveout again, whilest he worked his face into knots and flew his handsaround. 'You come along with me,' says he, 'and I'll show you aChristmas celebration.'

  "I grabbed him. 'William,' I says, 'your eye is desperate. Youexplain to me before you scuff a foot.'

  "'Leggo me,' he says; 'I tell you, leggo me, Zeke Scraggs. I'mgoin' to have my revenge. I'm goin' to take ten cases of giantpowder and blow the mill of Honorable John Lawson Davis, Member ofCongress, Champion Double-Jointed, Ground-and-Lofty,Collar-and-Elbow, Skin and Liar, so high in the air that folks'llthink there's a new comet, predictin' war and trouble.'

  "'William,' I says 'you ain't goin' to do no such thing--that'swicked, that is.' I tried to speak stern, but this here Christmashadn't amounted to much so far, and I never had seen a stamp millblew up, so I couldn't help wonderin' how it would look.

  "'See here!' says he, 'I'll admit many a time you've licked me in afriendly way, Ezekiel, and I'm obliged to you; but, now, be you, orben't you, my guest?'

  "'I be,' says I.

  "'Then don't let's hear no more out of you,' he says, 'but comealong.'

  "'The powder'll be friz,' I hints, still tryin' to switch him off.

  "'Not much,' he says. 'She's down a cellar twenty foot deep--comeon.'

  "'Just as you say, William,' I remarks--the only thing to do.

  "So we toted ten cases of giant to the bottom of the mill, fixedthe cap and fuse careful, touched her off, and walked away fromthere.

  "Whilest I wouldn't have you think for a minute, dear friends andbrothers, that I uphold any conduct like that, for my part I'mwillin' to admit there's things less exhileratin' than standin' ona small rise, of a clear, fine, moonlight winter night, waitin' tosee a fifty-stamp mill go off,

  "And she went. Let me repeat it: she went. We first ketched asmack on the soles of our feet, and then that mill flew to a fieryfinish. Jeehoopidderammity! It was simply gorgeous.

  "We didn't have time to take it all in, howsomever, for after thefirst blast a big, black thing sailed over our heads with thefearfullest screech that ever scart a man to death.

  "'Zeke,' says William, hangin' on to my neck, 'did I hearsomethin', or is it that cussed green ink workin'?'

  "'I thought I observed a sound,' says I; 'and whatever it was lityonder. Let's go see.

  "William hadn't intended to go and see at all. In fact, I draggedhim by the hair and belt the hull distance--not that I was exactlyafraid, but nothin' is so lonesome when you have company.

  "There was a hole in a snowbank where whatever it was went in. Istarted to paw down, but William was for bunchin' it.

  "'I tell you, let it be and hump yourself out'n here,' says he.'It's after me because I blew up the mill; it's the devil, that'swhat it is.'

  "'Is it?' says I. 'Well, let's have a look at him. My veins isfull of cream de menthy, and I'll knock his horns off'n him if hegives me any lip.'

  "Just then the snowbank heaved up. It wasn't no devil--that is,not exactly. It was a lady. I'd a bet on
it if I'd had time tothink. I might have known there was no place on top of thisfootstool where E. G. W. Scraggs could rest his weary feet withoutsome female happenin' in the same spot at the same time. I shouldhave took William's advice, but it was now too late.

  "We stood around kinder awk'ard, with her brushin' snow fromherself, till I says, 'Well, good-evenin', ma'am.'

  "First off she says good-evenin', too, out of surprise. Then shebegun to talk altogether different. She described William and meby sections, goin' into particulars, and nobuddy'd loaned us moneyon her recommend. I was used to this at home, so I spoke up niceand silent in our defense. There ain't quite so much noise whenonly one is talkin.'

  "Finally, when her breath give out, William says very humble,'Would you mind informin' us, ma'am, how you come to be in theseparts just now?'

  "She explained fully that, in answer to an advertisement in thepaper, she was slidin' over to Squaw Creek. The advertisementcalled for a wife for a farmer, to be forty years old, orthereabouts, able to cook, plow, do washing and light blacksmith'swork, and to have a capital of five hundred dollars to invest inthe concern.

  "'An' now,' says she, beginning to weep, 'I'd camped in that mill,an' I was only for steppin' out to git a bit of a stick to cook mesoopper, an' I was on me way back, when a-r-rur-BOOMP! it ses, an'where's the five hoondred dollars that I left there, I dunno?Agghh woosha-woosha the day, ye divils, ye! An' me hoopled t'roughthe air like a ol' hat--bad cess to yer ugly faces! The cuss o'Crom'll lie heavy on ye for mistreatin' a poor, lone widdy woman!'

  "'Well, ma'am,' says I, 'I wouldn't take the loss of the money toheart. When the gentleman sees your face he won't care.' Usually,you can kinder edge around the rough places with that game of talk.But it didn't go here.

  "'Aggh, g'wan, ye bald-headed ol' pepper-mint lozenger!' shehollers. 'D'ye s'pose I niwer see a lookin'-glass? Where's theman'll marry me widout me money? "Me face is me forchune, sor,"sez she. "Tek it to the gravel bank an' have it cashed, then," sezhe. Where's the man that'll have me, face an' all, lackin' thecoin? Woora, woora, answer me that!'

  "Well, as usual, it was up to me. There wasn't no escapin' it. Aman might just as well meet his fate smilin' as trailin' his lip onthe ground, for my experiences teaches, dear friends and brothers,that Fate just naturally don't care a wooden-legged tinker's dam.

  "'Madam,' says I, removin' my hat and bowin', 'the honorable nameof Scraggs is at your disposal.'

  "'Eh?' says she. 'What's that you're sayin'?'

  "'I repeat, plainly and sadly, ma'am, that one-fourteenth of myheart and hands is at your disposal.'

  "'Heh?' says she again. 'An' what's the one-foorteeneth mane?'

  "'I have now,' I replies, 'thirteen wives--'Before I could getanother word out she was ra'rin.'

  "'Oh!' she yells, 'ye villyan! Ye long-legged blaggard! Yehairless ol' scoundrel of the world! How dast ye?' She begunlookin' around for a club, so I talked fast.

  "'It's my religion, ma'am,' says I. 'I'm a Mormon by profession,mixed with accident. Think a minute before you do somethin'that'll cause general regret.'

  "'Well,' she says, calmin' down, 'is there e'er an Oirish leddy inthe lot?'

  "'Not one, up till this joyful present,' I answers. 'I don'trightly know what country they hail from, but I can truthfully addthat I'm not thinkin' of takin' up homestead rights there.'

  "'Aggh, g'long wid yer jokin',' says she, as kittenish as anything.'Yer only foolin', ye are.' "'Ma'am,' says I, 'if you say the wordI shall at once proceed to get my fiery, untamed skees and gogallopin' over the mountains to make you the fourteenth Mrs.Scraggs with all speed and celery possible. You have only to speakto turn this dreadful uncertainty into a horrible fact. I pay forwhat I break; that's me, Jo Bush.'

  "'Well, ain't this suddent!' she says. 'But I'll not stop ye fromyer intentions--men is that set in their ways! Run along, now,loike a good choild!'

  "'Well, good-by, William!' I says when we started, 'You see how itis yourself!"

  "He cried on my coat collar. I honest believe that grass-juice hada jump or two in it, so darned insijous a man wouldn't notice.

  "'To think it was me brought this on,' he hollers. 'Me an' myrevengeful nature! You try to forgive me, Ezekiel. And weeverlastingly did wind up that mill, anyhow!'

  "'William,' says I, 'take no heed. No man is above what happens tohim, unless like he'd been atop of the mill when she dispersed. Iforgive you--good-by.'"

  Mr. Scraggs puffed his pipe thoughtfully. "Thirteen," heruminated, and shook his head. "Tell me not them mournful numbers."

  "But," interrupted Charley, "I don't see as you was any worse offthan before?"

  "Me?" replied Mr. Scraggs in surprise. "Me? No, _I_ wasn't anyworse off. But, as I said before, inquire of the snake.

  "Mrs. Mehitabel Thirteenth Scraggs opened up on me a few morningsafter that, and my latest acquisition instantly laid hold of her bythe hair of her head and beat her with a fryin'-pan till NumberThirteen had to take to her feet and stay that way for a week.

  "'You _will_ talk to my ol' man like that, will _you_?' saysBridget. 'Well, mind you this, now! If he nades batin' _I'll_bate him, but fur anny skimpy, yaller critter like yerself to somuch as give him a sassy look I'll construe as a mortial offense.Run along, now, run along, and git him his breakfas', or I'llstrangle ye with me foot!'

  "You _will_ talk to my ol' man like that, will_you_?"]

  "No," said Mr. Scraggs, sadly. "I wasn't no worse off. If so ithadn't 'a' been Bridget took a drop too much at the drug-store onenight, and another drop too much over the edge of the canon on theway home, I reckon I'd had some good out of life. But it wasn't tobe, it wasn't to be. Drowned in the bud by the inflooence of thatcussed unlucky number, thirteen."