Mr. Scraggs Read online

  III

  ST. NICHOLAS SCRAGGS

  "I have read some'ers," said Mr. Scraggs, "that some man whose namewas a durned sight more important to him than it is to me, for I'veplumb forgot it, said that he never begun nothin' unless he couldsee the end of it."

  "His wife's family must have owned real estate," suggested RedSaunders.

  "He didn't specify which end," excused Mr. Scraggs. "Maybe 'twasthe front end he meant; then the proverb 'ud read that he neverbegun anythin' unless he could see the commencement of it; which isa wise and thoughtful statement, because had it been otherwise, andtherefore essentially different, why, how could he?"

  "Of course not," assented Red.

  "I s'pose," said the visitor, "that you mean what you say andunderstand what you mean, but d----d if I do. Is there any rightor left bower in this game?"

  "No," said Mr. Scraggs. "But this is the twenty-fourth ofDecember, and I was thinkin' of another twenty-fourth of December.I began something then that come out rather different from whatyou'd naturally expect. That ain't so remarkable, for nothin' Iever had any hand in ever come out as anybody expected--barrin'Mrs. Scraggs, who, individuool, cool, calm, and collectively,always says, 'Just what I expected, exactly,' and any man that saysany one or all of the Mrs. Scraggses bound to me by ties ofmatrimony by the Mormon Church, party of the first part, Mrs.Scraggs, party of the second part, and E. G. W. Scraggs, party ofthe third, last, and of no consequence whatsomever part--any man, Irepeat, who says Mrs. Scraggs would lie is no friend of her'n andought to be told so. But to restrain a nateral indignation at thehint of such a charge and to proceed: I want to say that thisparticular twenty-fourth of December I'm talkin' about came out somuch entirely different from what I expected that I can't seem toforget it.

  "There's something about Christmas that warms the heart and makesthe noblest and best of our sentiments to come to the surface for abreath of fresh air. Yes, sir, there is, and they passed it aroundin Peg-leg's place that afternoon so hot, sweet, and plentiful thatI hadn't been there more'n two hours before my feelin's had rose tosuch a pitch that I went out and bought each' and every Mrs.Scraggs a pair of number ten rubber boots, a pound of raisins, andan accordion. The boots was useful; the raisins, of course, stoodfor Christmas cheer; but what in thunder I bought the accordionsfor I never knew afterward. I'd give a ten-dollar bill this minuteto know. It was a tremenjus idee at the time, but that's all Irecall of it. I sent the hull shootin'-match around to the houseby a small boy with a hand sleigh and a card sayin' 'Peace onEarth' on top of it.

  "After this, havin' done my duty by my fambly, as I saw it at thetime, I wandered into Mr. George Hewlitt's emporium of chance,armed with six iron dollars and a gold collar-button. They took mysix dollars away from me as though I wasn't fit to be trusted with'em, and then I sprung my collar-button for another stack. As faras I could see, that collar-button was all that stood between meand a long, wide, thick, and cold winter. Hows'mever, there was nounmanly tears in the eyes of the support of the noble house ofScraggs when he plunked the lot on the corner.

  "'Slave,' says I to the dealer in the language I learned shiftin'scenes for a week, back in old St. Looey. 'Slave!' says I. 'I'vestacked my life agin the cast in your eye, and I will stand therazzle of your dyestuff. Shoot! You're faded!'

  "And he was, too. I caught that turn and about every other in thedeal; split him in half on the last card, and from that on I rippedhim up the back and knocked chunks off'n him until everybody gotinterested.

  "The game grew too small for both of us. I had four hundreddollars in checks before me, and my original collar-button. Iasked him for his limit. He replied that notwithstandin' theenormous and remarkable growth of institutions of learningthroughout the country and the widespread interest in arithmetic,it hadn't been figured out yet.

  "'Make good,' says I, tappin' the table with the finger ofauthority.

  "'I got you,' says he, and slams his roll upon the table. 'There'seight hundred dollars.'

  "'Well,' says I, 'I shall descend upon it in two flies, notcounting odd chips. Shall we cut?'

  "He shoved out a deck. I cut a four-spot. It come to me all of asudden how futeel is human endeavors, how fleetin' is man's hopes,for we was playin' it high man wins. And then he cut athree-specker, and talked unwisely. Then he cut a king, and a softsmile lighted his face. I cut an ace. He looked at it, reachedup, and took down a sign:

  ACE IS ALWAYS HIGH IN THIS HOUSE.

  --a sign he'd made with his own fair hands, and he says to me, 'Youdon't mind if I keep this as a sooveneer of the joyful occasion, doyou? You can have the rest of the place, for I move after twobeats like that.'

  "So then the crowd was uproarious, and I treated several times forMrs. Scraggs and several times for myself, divided the moneysquare, wrapped her half in a parcel with 'God Bless our Home'marked on it and sent it around to her.

  "It then occurred to me I weren't dressed according to myprosperity. So I cut the boys and ambled around to Eichenstein'sto get some clothes.

  "Old Eichy clasped his hands with innocent glee.

  "'I have got id!' says he, clawing out some black duds. 'Youremember dat 'biscobal mineesder who beat der sheriff to der drain?Dat is der close he orter t' und didn't bay for--dey fid you like afinger in der mud.'

  "I tried to explain to Eichy that I didn't need no ministerclothes, but he was shocked at the idea, so I bought 'em and put'em on.

  "It next occurred to me that with a new soot of clothes and moneyin my pocket I'd orter travel and see a little of the world oncemore, so I gathers the boys and four members of the Dogtown band,and we went eight miles to the station in good shape. It made thepeople look to see us marchin' in.

  "'Gimme a ticket,' says I to the station man.

  "'Where are you going to?' says he.

  "If there's one thing I can't put up with it's impudence from arailroad man.

  "'What in the hereafter business is that of yours?' says I. 'Yougimme a ticket, quick, or there'll be a wreckin' train due at thisspot.'

  "'Well, how can I tell what to do?' says he. 'Pay me for theticket, and you get it.'

  "'Sir!' says I. 'Do you mean to insinooate that I can't or won'tpay for a dirty little railroad ticket? There you are--gimme aticket!'

  "I slapped what I had loose on the counter; he counted it carefuland give me my paste-board, just as the engine come a-hissin' anda-roarin' in. Gee, she did look bully to me! I hadn't seen atrain of cars for two years. We detained 'em no longer than wasnecessary to treat the engineer and the rest of the crew proper inthe matter of drinks, and I was off, leanin' back comfortable inthe smoker, puffin' huge and prosperous puffs of real seegar smokeinto the air, and with the careless thumb of wealth tucked into thearmpit of my vest. I reckoned I must have dozed, for bimeby theconductor shook me by the arm and says, respectful, 'We're nearin'your station, sir.'

  "I looked out, and I see down the track the most lonesome inhabitedspot on the face of this earth. If houses has ghosts I should saythat the ghosts of some forty houses that had committed the crimeof not bein' properly built had collected themselves there--why,even the snow around the cussed things looked second-hand.

  "I made up my mind on the instant that I'd never really intended togo there. But it was too late now. I didn't propose to back downbefore that conductor.

  "'The names of all these little towns is so much alike,' says I,'that I've forgot the name of this one already.'

  "'Yes?' says he, raisin' his eyebrows. Of course, as a matter offact, I hadn't thought to look at my ticket; but having started onthis line I meant to buck through.

  "'Yes,' says I. 'Would you mind giving it to me?'

  "'Oggsouash,' says he.

  "There was silence for a second.

  "'Hog's wash,' says I, musin'. 'Don't seem like I ort to haveforgot that, does it?'

  "'No,' says he; 'it don't.'

  "There come a kind of awkward silence again, me thanking t
he Lordthat we was almost there.

  "'Injun name,' says the conductor.

  "'Sure,' says I; 'of course; certainly; I remember now distinctly.What saloon do you recommend?'

  "'Saloon?' says he, steppin' back.

  "'Saloon,' says I, wonderin' where he found the queerness of mywords.

  "'Saloon?' says he. 'Why, man, it's a Prohibition, Presbyterian,Vegetarian Colony. I didn't know what to make of your actions whenyou got aboard, but from your face and clothes I supposed you wasone of them ministers coming to scare the kids to death for aChristmas present. Ain't you one of 'em?'

  "'I'm a sort--sort of connection,' says I with my expirin' breath.

  "He looked at me as if he couldn't quite see the connection.'Well,' says he, 'here we are, and they're expectin' you, forthere's a lady waitin' on the platform.'

  "'A lady?' says I, risin' from my tomb. I'd begun to think beforethere was truth in the sayin', 'You can't win at two games on thesame day,' but when I heard there was a lady waitin' for me--well,if there's any man in this here bull-pen can think what I thought,let him whisper it in confidence, and I'll make it right with him.

  "I never knew how I got off that train of cars.

  "Well, I oughtn't to have been scart--it was the littlest,thinnest, palest, tremblingest woman you ever saw--why, therewasn't a Mrs. Scraggs on the face of the earth that couldn't 'a'dandled her in her arms like a baby.

  "'Is this the Reverend Silas Hardcrop?' says she.

  "'Yes, madam,' says I, thinkin' it best to humor her, even if shewas small.

  "'I wanted to meet you first--I wanted to say--to speak--there'ssomething I felt I must tell you,' she says.

  "Thinks I: 'No, you don't. So long's I've got a gun in each hindpocket I reckon the men folks and me will get long all right, butprivate conversations with ladies is off the bill-of-fare.' So Isays:

  "'Y-a-a-s?' in a tone of voice to put out a bonfire.

  "'Oh, it doesn't matter,' she said quick and shaky; 'it was sillyof me. I only thought----' Well, she was tremblin' with cold orsomethin', and kind of near cryin', too--one of them women thatwears themselves out by botherin' to be good, and if they are good,botherin' about what ought to be done next. In short, as thesaying is, I forgot my part.

  "'Why, you poor little critter,' says I; 'you're near froze todeath--take a drop of this,' pullin' out a flask of Peg-leg's best.

  "'What?' she says, starting back in horror. 'Can that be _whisky_?'

  "'Madam!' says I, rememberin', 'how dast you? That's aprescription put up by my favorite physician--a small dose will doyou a large good. Try a piece, and we'll go in the station, whereit's warmer, I hope, and talk it over.'

  "She strangled some, but downed a trifle.

  "There was a good old lignite fire blazin' away 'n the station.

  "'Now that you've been _so_ kind to me,' she says, 'I dare tell youwhat I thought.'

  "She had stopped shiverin'--Peg-leg's best knocked shivers quick.

  "'I don't want you to think I do not believe in our tenets, becauseI do, I _do_!' says she; 'but it's been such a hard and weary year,with no brightness in it, and the old times come to me so, and theyhaven't had anything--really, you know, and it's awful to think ofChristmas going by without--without--I know it's a Pagan festival,and that Christians should pass the day in meditation and fasting,but--don't you see?'

  "'Certainly,' says I. 'If there ever was a guilty party thatdidn't do it, why, she's not him--you and me agree there, entirely.'

  "'I beg your pardon?' says she, lookin' at me with them scart-deereyes of hers. 'I don't quite understand--I'm so stupid.'

  "'Yes, that's what's apt to come of vegetables,' says I. 'But tellme more about the Pagan festival.'

  "I fancy Peg-leg's best couraged her up some.

  "'I don't think it's a Pagan festival for children to have fun andtoys for Christmas. I don't,' she says, 'I can't. And to think ofthem sitting there in that cold church for hours to-morrow--ugh!'she says.

  "Well, dear friends and brothers, I did think of 'em sittin' inthat cold church. There was a time when I uset to behave fine fora month previous to December twenty-fifth, for the priv'lige ofseein' Uncle Santy Claus tumble down the chimbley; and I want tosay right here that all the good times I have seen sence ain't gotnear enough to them good times to catch their dust. Besides which,the merry Christmas in glassified form with which I had encouragedmyself at Peg-leg's, and the wad of that beautiful sensitive plant,the long green, which was reposin' on my heart, says to me:'Scraggsy, spring yourself--jump, boy, jump!'

  "And furthermore, in the wildest dreams of my youth I had neverfiggered on spendin' a cold and cloudy Christmas in the bosom of aPresbyterian, Prohibition, Vegetarian Colony. It stood to reasonif I didn't do something to that colony the colony would do a thingto Scraggs. I made up my mind that right here was where I jarredOggsouash to a finish.

  "And further still, that poor little deluded, cold-potato-fed womanwas on my mind.

  "'You mean,' says I to her--my eddication in the Mormon Church, andwhat I learned about play-actin' in St. Looey, standin' me in handyfor manners--'that these here children, the offspring of cold waterand vegetables, is expected to pass to-morrow in prayer andmeditation, and be better for it?'

  "'Yes, sir!' says she, impressed by my manners.

  "'Well, then, madam,' says I, 'if you'll excuse my onprofessionallanguage, I'll say that that's a low-down, Scandahoovian outrage.'

  "'Now,' says she, eager, 'that's just what I think.'

  "'Madam,' says I, bowin', 'I'm enchanted to see such a spirit--I'llthink kindly of turnips from this day on. Let us prescribe forourselves once more--the directions say take one every threeminutes until you feel better. Besides, you got to help me, andyou'll need your strength. My duties demand that I leave here bythe night freight, but before that----' And I give her herdirections. She jumped up and hustled out, as young as ever shewas.

  "Then I went up to the telegrapher. 'Where can I buy some toys andtruck, to come out on Number Three?' says I.

  "He didn't pay no attention.

  "I reached in and took him gently by the hair, drawin' him part waythrough his cubby-hole so's he could hear plain.

  "'My young friend,' says I, 'is it any part of your notion that Igrew up on cabbages? Does it please your youthful fancy to pictureme picketed out to grass, and chewin' my cud on a sunny slope?'

  "'Ow!' says he. 'Leggo m' hair!'

  "'You are now in the hands of E. G. W. Scraggs,' says I, 'an honorwhich I shall give you cause to appreciate if you don't lend meyour ears to what I say. Do you think you can hear me now?'

  "'Yes, sir. Oh, yessir, yessir,' says he.

  "'Good,' says I. 'Then telegraph to the first place east to sendone hundred dollars' worth of toys out here on Number Three.Here's your money.'

  "Well, he picked away, and then we waited. Bimeby we got thefoolishest kind of answer: 'What sort of toys? How much of each?'etc.

  "'Michael and the Archangels all,' says I, 'how am I supposed toknow? Ain't that part of a toy-shop man's business? Here, youngman, you tick-tack 'em that I want toys--children's toys--to use upone hundred plunks--I want 'em on Number Three--and if they don'tarrive I will. I will arrive in their little old toy-shop and playwith them till they holler for ma. Tell 'em I never felt moreimpatient in my life than I am this minute, and that I'm gettingmore so per each and every clock tick. Mention the name of ZekeScraggs, so they won't think it's Mr. Anonymous behavin' frivolous.Tell 'em I mean every word of it. Go on; do it.'

  "So he did.

  "Then comes a sensible answer: 'Goods go forward by Number Three.'

  "'Sure,' says I. 'ill you join me?'

  "'I certainly will,' says he, and bimeby he cried because I lookedso like his father, who was just the same kind of short, thick-set,hairy kind of person I was.

  "Then my poor little deer-eyed woman come back with a roll ofcotton-battin'; at the same minute Number Three pulled in.
'Youget Jimmy, there,' says I to her, 'to help you whack up theplay-toys, whilst I disguise myself as Santy Claus."

  "She stopped and looked at me, then she says in a scart whisper,'Are you _really_ the Reverend Silas Hardcrop?'

  "'I'm just as near bein' the Reverend Silas Hardcrop as I shallever get,' says I.

  "There come a twinkle of somethin' almost like fun in her eye. 'Itold them.' says she, 'that you would address them at seven, sharp.'

  "She and me an Jimmy finished Jimmy's lunch and sat around, whilstI told 'em anecdotes concernin' life as it was lived outside thebonds of Oggsouash, till quarter to seven rolled around. Then wetook the back way to the church.

  "I don't think it has ever been my privilege to gaze on one hundredand fifty faces all so astonished at one and the same time as whenI stepped forward to the center of the stage at Oggsouash andaddressed the meetin', me bein' clad as Santy Claus, in flowin'white whiskers, hair to match. Jimmy's coat that come down almostto my waist, a baggage-truck of toys behind me, and a gun in eachhand.

  "'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I, 'I shall try to interest youfor a few minutes, and I urge and beg and pray of you that if anymale member of your number here assembled feels in any way nervousor fidgety during the course of my remarks that he will conceal itwith all possible haste and discreshun, because otherwise I ain'tgoin' to have the bill for the consequences in my mail.

  "'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I."]

  "'How Oggsouash and I come together is neither here nor there,although I could find it in my heart to wish it was,' I says. 'Butnow that the worst has happened, let us meet the consequences likemen--you, like men raised and prostrated by such things ascauliflower, sweet potatoes, and hay, washed down by the waterwhich flows in all its glistening uselessness among the hop-toadsand mud-turtles of Oggsouash Creek; and me, like men that pick thehindleg of an ox at a sittin' and make the spirits in Peg-leg'splace go down like the approach of Arctic breezes.

  "'To resume,' says I. 'It may be that there ain't a man driftedfurther from what the standards of this here place is than I be,but I'm willin' to put my hand to an affydavit statin' it nevercrossed my mind to draft a set of rules as an improvement on theAlmighty's. There's where you put it all over me. I have held upa train to hear what the passengers would say, but lackin' theadvantages that has doubtless been yours, I duck when it comes toreformin' Heaven.

  "'It struck me with the force of a revelation when I arrived atyour glowin' mertroppollus this afternoon that to make any humanbein', particlerly children, forget for a time that they lived inOggsouash was a religious duty. I have therefore furnished a fewtrifles for the purpose. I move you, ladies and gentlemen, that weturn this Christmas Eve into a Pagan festival. All in favor ofthis motion will keep their seats--contrary minded will pleaserise,' and I cocked both guns.

  "'Carried, unanimous,' says I. 'Now, please let each young personcome forward as his, her, or its name is called. I shall beseverely displeased if you don't.'

  "Then I read from the list the lady had furnished me, and the kidscome up. The last party on the list was a little gal that had beenpoppin' up an' down like a prairie-dog, fearin' she was goin' togit left, and when at last I sings out 'Annabella AngelinaHugginswat!' here she come, her eyes snatched wide open by the twolittle pigtails that stuck out behind, walkin' knock-kneed andcircular, as some little girls does, and stiff er'n a poker in herj'ints from scart-to-death and gladness.

  "'Angelina,' says I, pickin' up the big doll-baby I'd saved forher, 'you must be the fond parient of this child,' says I. 'Raiseit kindly; teach it that it's been damned since the year of ourLord B. C. 7604; feed it vegetables, Angelina, and keep it awayfrom strong drink, even if you have to use force.'

  "Angelina, she didn't mind my pursyflage, but she just stood therequiverin' all over, lookin' at her prize.

  "'Ith that my dolly?' she says.

  "'That's your sure-enough dolly, little gal,' I says.

  "She took hold of it--her little arms was stiff as railroad tiesand her hands was cold.

  "She looked at me again and whispered: "'Ith that my dolly,_really_, _truly_, mithter?'

  "She looked so darned funny standin' there that I grabbed her rightup and kissed her.

  "'If anybody tries to take that dolly away from you, you let _me_know--skip!' says I, and down the aisle she runs hollerin': 'Oh,papa, papa! Thee my dolly!' Seems she didn't have no mother, poorlittle thing.

  "Well, sir, old human nature is human nature, after all--elsewiseit would be a darned funny state of affairs--but anyhow, thatlittle gal's holler did something to my friends, the Oggsouashers.I don't think I overstep the mark when I say some of 'em smiled akindly smile.

  "'But I didn't have no time to study it. If I missed my freight Istayed in Oggsouash over night, so, reasonin' thus, the tall formof E. G. W. Scraggs might 'a' been seen proceedin' toward therailroad track at the rate of seventeen statute miles per hour.Just as I hooked on to the caboose comes a feller pastin' after me.

  "'Say!' he whoops. 'Say! We want to thank you!'

  "'Turn it in to the kids,' says I. 'Good-night, Oggsouash,good-night,' I says, 'Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I could saygood-night as long as my wind held out.'

  "Well, sir, it was nigh three in the mornin' when I hit CastleScraggs agin, after the coldest walk to be found anywhere outdoors;but when Mrs. Scraggs come to the door--and it was one of theblackest-eyed and snappiest of the race--and she says, 'ZekeScraggs! Where you been?' I just fell into her arms.

  "'Bear with me, Susan, or Mary Ann, or whatever your name is,' saysI, 'for I've had a ter'ble time.'

  "'You behave yourself, you old idiot, or I'll do you personalharm,' says she.

  "'Thank you, thank you for them sweet words, spoke by somebody_alive_, anyhow,' says I. 'And this much more, Mrs. Scraggs,' saysI, 'before we part. If ever you hear me complain of anythin'concernin' you ladies just you say "Oggsouash" to me and hold yourhand, so, to indicate an empty glass.

  "'Good-night, Susanna--Merry Christmas,' says I. 'On my word ofhonor, there has been one moment of my life when I was glad to seeyou.'

  "And I left her standin' there, with the candle in her hand,paralyzed.

  "And I can conclood, as I suggested in the beginning, that I hadnot foresaw one item of these occurrences when I risked thatcollar-button."