Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters Read online

  Produced by Al Haines

  [Frontispiece: He was a lovely pet (missing from book)]

  Red Saunders' Pets

  And Other Critters

  By

  Henry Wallace Phillips

  Author of

  Red Saunders and Mr. Scraggs

  Illustrated

  New York

  McClure, Phillips & Co.

  Mcmvi

  Copyright, 1906, by

  McCLURE, PHILLIPS & CO.

  Published, May, 1906

  Second Impression

  Copyright, 1902, 1903, 1904, 1905, by The S. S. McClure Company

  Copyright, 1902, by The Success Company

  Copyright, 1905, by P. F. Collier & Son

  CONTENTS

  THE PETS

  OSCAR'S CHANCE, PER CHARLEY

  BILLY THE BUCK

  THE DEMON IN THE CANON

  THE LITTLE BEAR WHO GREW

  IN THE ABSENCE OF RULES

  FOR SALE, THE GOLDEN QUEEN

  WHERE THE HORSE IS FATE

  AGAMEMNON AND THE FALL OF TROY

  A TOUCH OF NATURE

  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

  HE WAS A LOVELY PET . . . . . . Frontispiece (missing from book)

  WE NEAR LOST TWO PETS

  "I WISHT SOMEBODY'D TELEGRAPH THAT SON-OF-A-GUN FOR ME"

  BOB 'UD HOP HIM

  HIS STYLE OF RIDING ATTRACTED ATTENTION

  SEARCHING HIS SOUL FOR SOUNDS TO TELL HOW SCART HE WAS

  GET OFF'N ME!

  THE AFFAIR WAS AT PRESENT IN THE FORMAL STATE

  "A WISE AND SUBTLE PIECE OF STRATEGY"

  "AN ACCOUNT OF MY ADVENTURES"

  "'HERE'S--YOUR--DEER--KID,' HE GASPED."

  "JIMMY-HIT-THE-BOTTLE"

  THE PUNCHERS TO THE RESCUE

  "HY" SMITH

  HE'D COME AROUND WITH HIS PLANS AND SPECIFICATIONS TWICE A DAY

  MIGUEL COULD RUN WHEN HE PUT HIS MIND TO IT

  "CLEAN WAS NO NAME FOR HIS PERSONAL APPEARANCE"

  "UP GETS FOXY WITH A SHRIEK AND GALLOPS AROUND THE HOUSE"

  "OLD WINDY USED TO TALK TO THE PIG AS THOUGH THEY'D BEEN RAISED TOGETHER"

  "HE'D HUMP UP HIS BACK . . . AND RUB AGAINST YOUR LEGS"

  "NO. DIDN'T WANT FOOD. HEART WAS BROKE"

  "'HUNGH!' SAYS HE, AND BLINKED HIS EYES SHUT"

  "THE DOCTOR GOES SAILING INTO THE DRINK"

  "A HA HA! CUT IN TWO IN THE MIDDLE"

  "THAT WOOLLY, BLAATIN' FOOL OF A SHEEP"

  "CHASES HIMSELF OFF TO THE SKY-LINE FOR ANOTHER TRY"

  "THE DURNED RAM WAS PRANCIN' AWAY"

  "HE WAS KNOCKED GALLEY-WEST"

  "THAT PIG LOOKED UP AND SMILED"

  "AND HOLLER! I WISHT YOU COULD HAVE HEARD THAT PIG"

  "DONE. EVERLASTINGLY DONE"

  THROUGH THE GLASS I GOT A BETTER VIEW OF THE POOR DEVIL ABOUT TO BE STRUNG

  WE CALLED TO HIM TO HALT, AND HE STOPPED, KIND OF GRINNED AT US AND SAYS: "HELLO!"

  YES, SIR; THERE HE SAT, AND HE WAS KNITTIN' A PAIR OF SOCKS!

  TWENTY-FIVE FOOT OF A DROP, CLEAR, TO ICE-WATER--WOW!

  "WHOOP HER UP, COLIN!" I HOLLERS

  Red Saunders' Pets And Other Critters

  The Pets

  "Of all the worlds I ever broke into, this one's the most curious,"said Red. "And one of the curiousest things in it is that I think it'squeer. Why should I, now? What put it into our heads that affairsought to go so and so and so, when they never do anything of the sort?Take any book you read, or any story a man tells you: it runs alongabout how Mr. Smith made up his mind to do this or that, and proceededto do it. And that never happened. What Mr. Smith calls making up hismind is nothing more nor less than Mr. Smith's dodging to cover underpressure of circumstances. That's straight. Old Lady Luck comes forMr. Smith's mind, swinging both hands; she gives it a stem-winder onthe ear; lams it for keeps on the smeller; chugs it one in the shortribs, drives right and left into its stummick, and Mr. Smith's mindbreaks for cover; then Mr. Smith tells his wife that--he's made up hismind--_He_, mind you. Wouldn't that stun you?

  "Some people would say, 'Mr. Sett and Mr. Burton made up their minds tostart the Big Bend Ranch.' All right; perhaps they did, but let megive you an inside view of the factory.

  "First off, Billy Quinn, Wind-River Smith, and me were putting up hayat the lake beds. It was a God-forsaken, lonesome job, to say the bestof it, and we took to collecting pets, to make it seem a little morelike home.

  "Billy shot a hawk, breaking its wing. That was the first in thecollection. He was a lovely pet. When you gave him a piece of meat hesaid 'Cree,' and clawed chunks out of you, but most of the time he satin the corner with his chin on his chest, like a broken-down lawyer.We didn't get the affection we needed out of him. Well, thenWind-River found a bull-snake asleep and lugged him home, hanging overhis shoulder. We sewed a flannel collar on the snake and picketed himout until he got used to the place. And around and around and aroundsquirmed that snake until we near got sick at our stummicks watchinghim. All day long, turning and turning and turning.

  "'Darn it,' says I, 'I like more variety.' So that day, when I wascutting close to a timbered slew, out pops an old bob-cat and starts toopen my shirt to see if I am her long-lost brother. By the time I gother strangled I had parted with most of my complexion. Served me rightfor being without a gun. The team run away as soon as I fell off theseat and I was booked to walk home. I heard a squeal from the bushes,and here comes a funny little cuss. I liked the look of him from thejump-off, even if his mother did claw delirious delight out of me. Hebalanced himself on his stubby legs and looked me square in the eye,and he spit and fought as though he weighed a ton when I picked himup--never had any notion of running away. Well, that was Robert--longfor Bob.

  "The style that cat spread on in the matter of growing was simplyastonishing; he grew so's you could notice it overnight. At the end oftwo months he was that big he couldn't stand up under our sheet-ironcook-stove, and this was about the beginning of our family troubles.Tommy, the snake, was a good deal of a nuisance from the time hesettled down. You'd have a horrible dream in the night--be way downunder something or other, gasping for wind, and, waking up, find Tommynicely coiled on your chest. Then you'd slap Tommy on the floor like asection of large rubber hose. But he bore no malice. Soon's you gotasleep he'd be right back again. When the weather got cool he wasalways under foot. He'd roll beneath you and land you on yourscalp-lock, or you'd ketch your toe on him and get a dirty drop. Idon't think I ever laughed more in my life than one day when Billy comein with an armful of wood, tripped on Tommy, and come down with aclatter right where Judge Jenkins, the hawk, could reach him. TheJudge fastened one claw in Billy's hair and scratched his whiskers withthe other. Gee! The hair and feathers flew! Bill had a hot temperand he went for the hawk like it was a man. The first thing he laidhis hand on was Tommy, so he used the poor snake for a club.Wind-River and me were so weak from laughing that we near lost two petsbefore we got strength to interfere."

  We near lost two pets]

  "But, as I was saying, the cold nights played Keno with our happy home.Neither Tommy nor Bob dared monkey with the Judge--he was the onlything on top of the earth the cat was afraid of. Bob used to be veryanxious to sneak a hunk of meat from His Honour at times, yet, when theJudge stood on one foot, cocked his head sideways, snapped his bill andsaid 'Cree,' Robert reconsidered. On the other hand, Tommy and Bobwere forever scrapping. Lively set-tos, I want to tell you. The snakebutted with his head like a young streak of lightning. I've seen himknock the cat ten foot. And while a cat doesn't grow mouldy in theprocess of making a move, yet the snake is there abo
ut oneseventeen-hundredth-millionth part of a second sooner. And that's agood deal where those parties are concerned. Now, on cold nights, theyboth liked to get under the stove, where it was warm, and there wasn'troom for more'n one. Hence, trouble; serious trouble. Bob huntedcoyotes on moonlight nights. We threw scraps around the corner of thehouse to bait 'em, and Bob would watch there hour on end until one gotwithin range. It was a dead coyote in ten seconds by the watch, if thejump landed. If it didn't, Bob had learned there was no use wastinghis young strength trying to ketch him. He used to sit still and gazeafter them flying streaks of hair and bones as though he was thinking'I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me.'"

  "I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me."]

  "Well, then he'd be chilly and reckon he'd climb under the stove. ButThomas 'ud be there.

  "'H-h-h-h-hhhh!' says Tom, in a whisper.

  "'Er-raow-pht!" says Robert. 'Mmmmm-mm--errrrr--pht!' And so on forsome time, the talk growing louder, then, with a yell that would standup every hair on your head, Bob 'ud hop him. Over goes the cook-stove.Away rolls the hot coals on the floor. Down comes the stove-pipe andthe frying-pans and the rest of the truck, whilst the old Judge in thecorner hollered decisions, heart-broke because he was tied by the legand could not get a claw into the dispute.

  Bob 'ud hop him.]

  "By the time we had 'em separated--Bob headed up in his barrel and Tomtied up in his sack--put the fire out, and fixed things generally,there wasn't a great deal left of that night's rest.

  "But children will be children. We swore awful, still we wouldn't havemissed their company for a fair-sized farm.

  "And now comes in the first little twist of the Big Bend Ranch,proper--all these things I'm telling you were the eggs. Here's wherethe critter pipped.

  "'Twas November, and such a November as you don't get outside of OldDakota, a regular mint-julep of a month, with a dash of summer, a sprigof spring, a touch of fall, and a sniff or two of winter to liven youup. If you'd formed a committee to furnish weather for a month, andthey'd turned out a month like that, not even their best friends wouldhave kicked. And here we'd been makin' hay, and makin' hay, the ranchpeople thanking Providence that prairie grass cures on the stem, whilewe cussed, for we were sick of the sight of hay. I got so the rattleof a mower give me hysterics. We were picked because we were steadyand reliable, but one day we bunched the job. Says I, 'Here; we've cutgrass for four solid months, includin' Sundays and legal holidays,although the Lord knows where they come in, for I haven't the leastsuspicion what day of the month it may be, but anyhow, let's knock offone round.'

  "So we did. I sat outside in the afternoon, while the other two boysand the rest of the family took a snooze. Here comes a man across thesouth flat a-horseback.

  "I watched him, much interested: first place, he was the first strangehuman animal we'd laid eye on for six weeks; next place, his style ofriding attracted attention. I thought at the time he must haveinvented it, him being the kind of man that hated horses, and wanted tokeep as far away from them as possible, yet forced by circumstances toclimb upon their backs."

  His style of riding attracted attention.]

  "His mount was a big American horse, full sixteen hand high, trottingin twenty-foot jumps. If I had anything against a person, just shortof killing, I'd tie him on the back of a horse trotting like that.It's a great gait to sit out. Howsomever, this man didn't sit it out;what he wanted of a saddle beyond the stirrups was a mystery, for henever touched it. He stood up on his stirrups, bent forward like hewas going to bite the horse in the ear, soon's the strain gotunendurable.

  "Well, here he come, straight for us. I'd a mind to wake the otherboys up, to let 'em see something new in the way of mishandling ahorse, but they snored so peaceful. I refrained.

  "'How-de-do?' says he.

  "I said I was worrying along, and sized him up, on the quiet. He was aqueer pet. Not a bad set-up man, and rather good looking in the face.Light yellow hair, little yellow moustache, light blue eyes. Andclean! Say, I never saw anybody that looked so aggravating clean inall my life. It seemed kind of wrong for him to be outdoors; all theprairie and the cabin and everything looked mussed up beside him.

  "As soon as he opened up, I noticed he had a little habit of speakingin streaks, that bothered me. I missed the sense of his remarks.

  "'Would you mind walking over that trail again?' I asked him. 'I domost of my thinking at a foot-step and your ideas is over the hill andfar away before I can recognise the cut of their scalp-lock.'

  "'Haw!' says he and stared at me. I was just on the point of askin'him if red hair was a new thing to him, when all of a sudden he begunto laugh, 'Haw-haw-haw!' says he; 'not bad at all, ye know.'

  "'Of course not,' says I. 'Why should it be?'

  "This got him going. I saw him figuring away to himself, and then Ihad to smile so you could hear it.

  "'Well,' says I, better humoured, 'tell us it again--I caught the wordsheep in the hurricane.'

  "So he went over it, talking slow. I listened with one ear, for he hada white bulldog with him; a husky, bandy-legged brute with a black eye,and he was sniffing, dog fashion, around the door, while I blocked himout with my legs. Doggy was in a frame of mind, puzzling outbull-snake trail, and hawk trail, and bob-cat trail. He foresaw muchthat was entertaining the other side of the door, and wanted it,powerful.

  "'Here,' says I, 'call your dog. I can't pay attention to both of you.'

  "'He won't hurt anything, you know,' says the man.

  "'Well, we've got a cat in there that'll hurt _him_,' I says. 'You'dbetter whistle him off before old Bob wakes up and scatters him aroundthe front yard.'

  "Gee! That man sat up straight on his horse! Cat hurt that dog?Nonsense! Of course, he wouldn't let the dog hurt the cat, and as longas I was afraid----

  "I looked into that peaceful cabin. Billy was lying on his back, hisfine manly nose vibrating with melody; Wind-River was cooing in agentle, choked-to-death sort of fashion, on the second bunk; Tom wascoiled in the corner, the size of half a barrel; the Judge slept on hisperch; Robert reposed under the cook-stove with just a front pawsticking out. It was one of them restful scenes our friends the poetssing about. It did appear wicked to disturb it but----

  "'Will you risk your dog?' I asked that man very softly and politely.

  "'Certainly!' says he.

  "Says I, 'His blood be on your shirtfront,' and I moved my leg.

  "Well, sir, Billy landed on the grocery shelf. Wind-River grabbed hisgun and sat up paralysed. It really was a most surprising noise. I'vehad hard luck in my life, but all the things that ever happened to mewould seem like a recess to that bulldog. Our domestic difficultieswas forgotten. 'United We Stand,' waved the motto of the lake-bedcabin. Jerusalem! That dog was snake-bit, andhawk-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, andbobcat-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, till you could not see a cussedthing in that cabin but blur. And of all the hissing and squawking andscreeching and yelling and snapping and roaring and growling you or anyother man ever heard, that was the darndest. I took a look at thevisitor. He'd got off his horse and was standing in the doorway withhis hands spread out. His face expressed nothing at all, veryforcible. Meanwhile, things were boilin' for fair; cook-stove,frying-pans, stools, boxes, saddles, tin cans, bull-snakes, hawks,bob-cats, and bulldogs simply floated in the air.

  "'I wish you'd tell me what has busted loose, Red Saunders!' howls oldWind-River in an injured tone of voice; 'and whether I shell shoot orsha'n't I?'

  "There come a second's lull. I see Judge Jenkins on the dog's back,his talents sunk to the hock, whilst he had hold of an ear with hisbill, pullin' manfully. Tommy had swallered the dog's stumpy tail, andBob was dragging hair out of the enemy like an Injun dressing hides.

  "A bulldog is like an Irishman; he's brave because he don't know anybetter, and you can't get any braver than that, but there's a limit,even to lunk-headedness. It bored through
that dog's thick skull thathe had butted into a little bit the darndest hardest streak ofpetrified luck that anything on legs could meet with.

  "'By-by,' says he to himself. 'Out doors will do for me!' And here hecome! Neither the visitor nor me was expecting him. He blocked thefeet out from under us and sat his master on top. We got up in time tosee a winged bulldog, with a tail ten foot long, bounding merrily overthe turf, searching his soul for sounds to tell how scart he was,whilst a desperate bob-cat, spitting fire and brimstone, threw dirtfifty foot in the air trying to lay claws on him."

  Searching soul for sounds to tell how scart he was]

  "As they disappeared over the first rise I rolls me a cigarette andlights it slowly.

  "'Just by way of curiosity,' says I; 'how much will you take for yourdog?'

  "'My Heavens!' says he, recovering the power of speech. 'What kind ofanimal was that?'

  "'Come in,' says I, 'and take a drink--you need it.'

  "So we gathered up the ruins and tidied things some, while the new mansipped his whiskey.

  "'My!' says he, of a sudden. 'I must go after my poor dog.'

  "I sort of warmed to him at that. 'Dog's all right,' says I. 'He'llshake 'em loose and be home in no time. Now you tell me about themsheep.'

  "'Sheep?' says he, putting his hand to his head. 'What was it aboutsheep?'

  "'Hello in the house!' sings out Billy. 'The children's comin' home!'

  "We tumbled out. Sure enough, the warriors was returning. First comethe Judge, tougher than rawhide, half walking and half flying, hiswings spread out, 'cree-ing' to himself about bulldogs and their ways;next come Bobby, still sputtering and swearing, and behind ambledThomas at a lively wriggle, a coy, large smile upon his face.

  "'Ur-r-roup! Roup!' sounds from the top of the rise. The familyhalted and turned around, expectin' more pleasure, for there on the topof the hill stood the terrible scart but still faithful bulldog callingfor his master to come away from that place quick, before he gotkilled. But he had one eye open for safety, and when the familystopped, he ducked down behind the hill surprisin'.

  "'Well, I must be going,' says the visitor. 'My name's Sett--AlgernonAlfred Sett--and I shall be over next week to talk to you about thosesheep.'

  "'Any time,' says I. 'We'll be here till we have to shovel snow to getat the hay, from the look of things.'

  "'Well, I'm very anxious to have a good long talk with you aboutsheep,' says he. 'I've been informed that you had a long experience inthat line in--er--Nevverdah----'

  "'Nevverdah?' says I. 'Oh!--Nevada. I beg your pardon--I've got inthe habit of pronouncing in that way. It wasn't Nevada, by the way--itwas Texas--but that's only a matter of a Europe or so. Yes, I met asheep or two in that country, I'm sorry to say.'

  "'I--er--think of engaging in the business, dontcher know,' says he,relaxing into his first method of speech; 'and should like to consultyou professionally.'

  "'All right, sir!' says I. 'I'm one of the easiest men to consult westof any place east. Can't you stay now and get the load off your mind?'

  "'Well--_no_,' he says to me very confidentially. 'You see, that dogis a great pet of my wife's, and I'm also afraid she will be a littleworried by my long absence, so----'

  "'I see, sir--I see,' I answered him. 'Well, come around again andwe'll talk sheep.'

  "'Thank you--thank you _so_ much,' says he, and pops up on his horse.Then again, without any warning, he broke into a haw-haw-haw! as hethrew a glance at the family, who sat around eyeing him. 'You werequite right about that _cat_, you know,' says he. 'Capital! Capital!But a _little_ rough on the dog.' And off he goes, bobbity-bob,bobbity-bob.

  "'Where'd you tag that critter, Red?' says Wind-River. 'My mind'swanderin'.'

  "'He comes down the draw much the graceful way he's going up it,' saysI. 'From where, and why how, I dunno. But I kind of like him againstmy better instincts, Windy.'

  "Windy spit thoughtfully at a fly fifteen foot away. 'I shouldn't havetime to hate him much myself,' says he.

  "And there you are. That's how I met Brother Sett, and the Big BendRanch stuck her head out of the shell."