What if... I told you a secret? Read online

  What If... I told you a secret?

  (What If... #3)

  Heather Mar-Gerrison

  Kindle Edition

  Heather Mar-Gerrison Copyright 2018

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work.

  I know we both had painful pasts – but I wasn’t gonna allow that to control either of us anymore. I was only interested in our futures – together...

  Prologue

  Seven years ago

  Benjamin

  “Run, Benny!” Harry’s panicked voice broke through the TV program I was watching.

  I shot off the sofa like a firecracker had gone off behind me and barrelled through the door and pelted up the stairs. I couldn’t have gone faster if a pack of rabid dogs were after me. Well it was a close call – Dad was pretty much like that when the red mist descended. Harry had broken a cup and we’d done our best to clean up but he must have found out somehow or other… And now he was home from work and immediately on the rampage. Whenever Dad started shouting we usually just ran for it – it was totally the safest thing to do.

  I opened my wardrobe door and climbed inside. I covered my ears and closed my eyes – yes it was childish but I didn’t know what else to do. I was only twelve and I certainly wasn’t big enough to defend either myself or Harry. I felt bad that Harry had been left to deal with him alone; what I felt worst about was keeping the family secret. I’d been aware for a while now that this was all wrong and I should tell someone but I was so scared of being taken away from the only home I knew, from the brother I loved – and I didn’t want to be taken in by some strange family. What if they were worse? So, like Dad always told me to do, I kept my mouth shut and kept the secret that prevented us from being saved; we lived with domestic violence like other people lived with a pet dog – as if it was a completely normal part of everyday life. It was anything but normal though…

  I could still hear Harry’s cries of pain and I squeezed my eyes tighter shut and started humming to myself to keep the noises out… What else was there to do other than keep the secrets?

  Chapter 1 – The beautiful Benjamin Kershaw

  Cade

  Let me tell you a little bit about Benjamin Kershaw. He was gorgeous. He was effortlessly stylish, handsome beyond all reason and ever so slightly mysterious – that would be because he was a year older than I was and went to a different school to me...

  He happened to live right next door and let me tell you, it was the only silver lining in a very dark and cloudy sky when we first moved into Sunnyside Street after Mum died – and I swear Dad only chose this street for its upbeat name…

  We were lucky to find such a cheap rental in a decent neighbourhood – it was right across town from our old house and quite a way from school but I could still walk it. I just had to set off really early. Dad broached the subject of me moving schools but I kicked off so badly about it he relented and let me stay at Broad Ridge Academy. On reflection it might have been a better option to move…

  When we first moved in, I was tormented… No, tormented doesn’t even begin to describe the way I felt – broken is probably a better word. The rug had been pulled out from under my life and I was lost – like totally. A lot of stuff all went wrong at once. It would be fair to say I lost the plot completely.

  Dad was lost too – there was no denying it and for months we just drifted along, living in the same space, but not really living. We were just existing. Nothing like the way we’d lived when we’d both got our anchor – Mum.

  And I missed her more than I can explain to you. Her presence had been so vibrant; so full of life and so full of fun that the house was far too quiet without her sparkle. I would come home from school and still expect her to be there somehow. I even thought I heard her ask me how my day had gone sometimes and I would start to answer, but then I would remember and I would sit and stare into space, wondering what happened to someone when they died; whether they just switched off and knew nothing about it or if they were still hanging around, watching over and looking out for us…

  I still hadn’t been able to cry about it and Dad was worried about the way I was handling my grief. The fact was, I really wasn’t handling it – well, not in a good way anyway.

  Even before Mum died, I hadn’t ever really fitted in properly. I was the only obviously gay kid in my year at school even though I’d never actually come out and said so, but it still automatically excluded me from hanging around with the cool kids. To alienate me even further, I was ridiculously clever. You know the type at school – they get called nerds or geeks or worse – well, I was one of those guys. I’d always felt more comfortable around girls and my best friend was a girl called Rose who was freakishly clever too. We hung out together quite a lot outside school and I got on with her really well – until she left me too…

  “You’re moving?” I stared at her, horror-struck. Jesus. When was I ever gonna catch a break?

  Rose’s eyes filled with tears, “I didn’t know how to tell you, Cade.” She said, “I’m so sorry.”

  “Fuck.” I replied glumly, “What the fuck am I gonna do without you?”

  She shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

  “You’ll still have me.” A low, sexy voice behind me piped up.

  Rose and I looked at each other in surprise and turned to find Phil Moore stood there.

  Phil was on the football team and was pretty hot property around here.

  My jaw dropped. He knew I was gay… Well, fuck, why was I surprised? Everyone knew I was gay – being small, far too pretty for a boy with dark blonde hair that curled in the rain and a rosebud mouth that was far too pouty, not to mention being pretty damned camp, it was hard for people not to notice – and it really seemed like he was hitting on me. I was immediately suspicious. “Are you talking to me?” I asked. Well, hell – I’d never have pegged him as gay in a million years – was this some kind of cruel joke?

  Rose narrowed her eyes at him too. She was kind of feisty and protective of me, which was another reason that my world felt as if it was falling apart. Who the fuck was gonna look out for me now? “Taking the piss?” She snarled.

  Phil shook his head, looking slightly mortified that her voice was carrying across the library and attracting attention, “Oh, my God, no,” he said hurriedly, “keep your hair on – I was trying to ask Cade out on a date.” He’d gone bright red with embarrassment.

  My jaw almost hit the floor, “Come again?” I asked faintly.

  He grinned at me charmingly, “Just to the cinema or something,” he said bashfully, “whatever you want to do.”

  So that was how I started dating one of the most popular guys at school who had, out of absolutely nowhere, declared his newly found sexuality to all and sundry.

  Dating Phil was something I would have loved to have talked to Rose for hours about, but we only kept in touch on Facebook and although I told her in a private message – it just wasn’t the same as being able to dissect every conversation...

  Anyway, I was fourteen at the time – coming up to my fifteenth birthday and he was in the year above – same age as my gorgeous neighbour, Benjamin.

  I was, frankly, amazed that he’d come out and wanted to go out with me when some of the prettiest girls in the school had been flirting with him outrageously for months and he’d flirted right back with
them. For him to then do an about-turn, come out quite spectacularly and ask me on a date was utterly unbelievable!

  I’d been quietly crushing on him for months and when he asked me out I couldn’t really believe it but never one to look a gift-horse in the mouth, I eagerly accepted and things were pretty good for a while. He filled the void that Rose left and I really liked him – and he seemed to really like me too. We spent a lot of time together and we kissed and cuddled like all teenagers who are dating do – nothing remotely untoward about the whole thing but then my mother suddenly just dropped dead and my life went into a downward spiral.

  I found out that it was a genetic fault that had caused her untimely death and I might also have it. I found out that my dad wasn’t really my dad – which was totally shocking – and I found out that my real dad had never wanted me. And then to top it all, we were turfed out of our home. I kind of had a breakdown over the whole thing and I guess I went a little crazy.

  Since I didn’t feel as if I had anyone else to turn to, the kissing and cuddling got ramped up a notch in my desperate attempt to replace the feeling of love and security she’d offered me.

  Dad had gone into his own personal meltdown and was so remote he barely spoke to me. I stupidly thought he didn’t want me as a son anymore and I felt completely alone in the world, trying to cope with everything – trying to remain sane in an insane world and eventually something had to give – and I gave… Oh, hell, did I? I gave everything up to Phil – and he couldn’t have been more delighted. Well, who wouldn’t be? A ridiculously hormonally-charged guy who was suddenly willing to try all sorts of stuff he’d likely only ever dreamt of – or seen on Tumblr…

  Something I never saw coming was that once Phil had gotten everything he wanted out of me, he’d dump me and go back to being straight… No really – that’s exactly what happened.

  “But why?” I asked, bewildered. I thought Phil and I were the real deal. In my naïve mind I thought that having sex with him would make us even closer. It didn’t... Looking back, I should have known better – we didn’t have a good relationship – it was nothing but sex. We never talked to each other about anything serious. I’d never told him how it felt to lose my mother, I didn’t even tell him about the traumas over finding out Dad wasn’t my biological parent. We had nothing other than the physical relationship but I’d still managed to mistake it for love.

  I was planning on us going off to uni together and eventually ending up getting married. He however, was not...

  “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” He said with a careless shrug as my life fell apart all over again, “I’m not even sure I am gay. I think I was just experimenting – it was fun and all – but I don’t want to be labelled a faggot...”

  Faggot? He was binning me off and indirectly calling me a faggot? That hurt more than him actually finishing with me. Why couldn’t he just be honest with himself? Why did he have to make me feel wrong for being gay?

  Still, I wasn’t going to let him see that I was hurt, “Fine,” I shrugged even though I felt crushed, “If that’s the way you feel, then I guess you’d better go.”

  He left of course and I sat in my room doing nothing but stare at the wall with my knees tucked up to my chest wondering how I could have got it so damned wrong. I mulled it over for hours. Had I done something wrong? Oh God, I must have done. Shame enveloped me for being so useless at sex that my boyfriend had decided to be straight instead and had finished with me. The longer I thought about it, though, the more I thought about how good he was or wasn’t... Had he been any good? How the hell would I know? If I was honest it really hadn’t been all that great. It kind of hurt mostly because he was always over eager and a little bit selfish. I kind of got it that it wouldn’t be the most comfortable experience in the world since I’d never done it before, but hell, he’d never done it before either – so if I was so bad at it, then fuck it, so was he. Who the hell had he got to compare me to anyway? We’d both been virgins for fuck’s sake…

  My self-esteem took a real beating over that. I couldn’t stop overthinking the whole thing. Anyway, as you’re probably aware – the gay community is pretty small and so word gets out pretty quickly when a new guy comes along and after only a few weeks I was asked out by another young guy called Danny Spiers. He was on the football team of our rival school – and a friend of Phil Moore...

  I’d met him when I’d been seeing Phil and I’d always thought he was a nice guy. He was cute – not quite as good-looking as Phil, but still – it wasn’t all about the looks was it? Where Phil had been a right shit, Danny was a nice guy – or at least – he was much nicer than Phil and I felt worthy again for a short time.

  Of course, I didn’t learn the first time that it wasn’t all about sex – and Danny got much of the same as Phil did. In my defence, we did date for longer and he was much nicer about the break-up. He was far better at the whole sex thing too. He was just as eager for me to like what we were doing as him, which was refreshing and both of us really enjoyed it while it lasted.

  To be fair to him, our breaking up was more of a mutual decision. After a couple of months together, it was clear that we weren’t really all that well matched. There was simply no getting away from the fact that I was a science-geek and he was about as far removed from that description as it was possible to be. We just didn’t connect on an intellectual level. I really wasn’t all that into him. I was still looking for something I wasn’t going to find and thankfully, I realised it while we were dating. I was confused, hurting, scared and stupid and we ended up doing stuff that I would later regret – well, not regret exactly – there wasn’t any point in that but I wished I’d waited until I really loved the guy...

  All it did was saddle me with a reputation for being a sure thing and I couldn’t deny it either. I’d had two boyfriends in as many months and they’d both managed to get me to go all the way with them – and I wasn’t even legal...

  I don’t know what I was thinking of. If it hadn’t been for Jack asking me to be his boyfriend at the beginning of the new term, I really don’t know where it would have ended. I was sinking deeper and deeper…

  Chapter 2 – Cade Reynolds

  Benjamin

  Let me tell you a little bit about Cade Reynolds. He was, like, the sweetest soul that ever lived and breathed on this planet. There’s no denying it that he went off the rails when his mum died – well, if the rumours that went around were to be believed, but I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to rumours. Hell, enough had gone around about my family when my mum died – although they were likely true...

  I wish I’d known him well enough at the time to man up and ask him out and give him the love that he was so desperately missing but I didn’t know him at all back then and besides, I was no expert when it came to feelings – and I wasn’t good enough for him at all – not by a long chalk.

  He had quite a reputation for a while and I was shocked to hear it.

  “Cade Reynolds?” I frowned. Surely not? He was only coming up for sixteen...

  Phil Moore was a guy on the other football team and he was sat bragging about his past conquests in the changing rooms one afternoon at our school.

  I didn’t particularly like Phil. I couldn’t deny that objectively, he was a good-looking guy and I’d always found him easy on the eye. I just didn’t like the way he treated people. He reckoned he was straight again now but he loved to talk about his ex’s and Cade had apparently been one when he’d gone through his ‘gay phase’. Yeah, right. Pull the other one…

  I really wasn’t appreciating the way he was talking about cute little Cade – my beautiful next-door-neighbour.

  He nodded and grinned lasciviously, “I’m not kidding.” He crowed, “I went out with him a couple of years back – and he gave really good head – and he let me do anything I wanted to him.”

  My stomach turned over and I wanted to throw up. He seemed so sweet… I frowned at him, “Well, I hope you didn’t take ad
vantage of him – he’s a nice kid.” I mumbled, wondering where I thought I was going with my mini lecture.

  He didn’t seem to mind. In fact, I’m not sure he even noticed. “He’s no kid, Benny-boy,” he said, his grin widening and making me want to smack him, “and he was up for anything then – fuck knows what he’ll be like now...” He thrust his hips suggestively indicating that Cade was happy to be fucked. “He’s got a big dick too.”

  I was quite aware of that fact. As a guy, there are some things you just can’t help noticing, so give me a break. He hadn’t finished with his lewd storytelling, however, “he was into rimming and everything.” He turned around and shouted across the room to Danny Spiers, one of the guys off the opposing team from our rival college, “Hey – did he do that with you too, Dan?”

  Danny just frowned at him and shook his head. I took it that he wasn’t your kiss-and-tell type and instantly had more respect for him.

  It took all of my self-control not to rip Phil’s head off his shoulders even as a little thrill went through me at the thought of getting that close with Cade.

  But, Jesus, he couldn’t have been more than fifteen when they went out. That was far too young, for fucks sake. Thankfully, he’d been dating that Jack guy for about the past year and I’d heard nothing untoward about him. But what the hell did Phil think he’d been doing? I wanted to tear him a new one...

  But I couldn’t do anything like give him a good hiding as much as I’d like to – if I got into trouble, the school would tell Dad. There was no way I was going to jeopardise my chances of getting the best grades I could. I needed to escape my shitty existence. I had to get out – my life kind of depended on it…

  I have to admit to being a little jealous when Cade started going out with Jack Smith. It was about a year after he moved in next door and I was still plucking up the courage to ask him for a date (yes, I really was that pathetic). But Jack always seemed to look like he was a sweet guy towards him and I totally got the impression that their relationship was platonic … It was probably more wishful thinking, since I’d have preferred that he was mine, but that was never gonna happen. I’d not even had the guts to ask, even when I’d had the perfect opportunity… and I didn’t dare come out at home. Dad didn’t need much of an excuse to hit me as it was – if he had any kind of inkling that I was anything less than one hundred per cent straight, I’d be a dead man.