Spark of Intent Read online

  "Go ahead, tell them. Tell anyone. You really think anyone is going to believe a bitch like you?" Shivers wracked my body, and tears burned behind my eyes as I shut the door to my room quietly behind me. Years of abuse had ingrained in me the need to be quiet. I never dared slam my door for fear of repercussions, for announcing my presence and making myself a bigger and more available target.

  “You fucking tease. You’re saying no but your body is saying yes.” My stomach twisted sickly, and my body wound tight. “They haven’t listened the other times. You know it’s only worse for you when you try and tell anyone. Who’d believe a whoring bitch like you? They know you want me.” I told myself to breathe. It’s over. He’s behind bars. I tried to remind myself, but it didn’t help keep the memories at bay, didn’t make the phantom feel of his fingers on my body any less real. I brushed at my body, wishing I could take a shower, let the heat of the water take the feeling of his touch away.

  I’d blocked each one of those moments from my mind. All the leering stares, the moments he’d appear from nowhere, the way he was always watching and hiding, all the brushing touches and 'accidental' groping. The culmination of the worst time of my life.

  I’d died—repeatedly and violently—and yet it was those moments that haunted me more than any death I’d survived.

  I felt Damien prodding at my mind, trying to communicate, but I shut the connection down as hard as I could, calling my Phoenix forward to seal the cracks. She was in as much distress as I was, reacting to my panic and the memories drowning us.

  A pounding knock rattled my door and my heart rate spiked. “Nix! Please, don’t block me out,” Damien begged, and I heard Hiro admonish him for his behavior.

  Another flash consumed me.

  “You like it, you little bitch.” The tears spilled over, streaking down my cheeks. I sobbed, sucking air into lungs that didn’t want to inflate. Panic clawed through me, threatening to pull me into the dark void and drown me. I felt so broken, so scared. I felt fucking angry.

  I took a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut as I counted to three. My exhale was shaky and I nearly hiccuped as I tried to hold a sob back. I repeated the breathing exercises my court ordered therapist had taught me until my heart rate slowed. I wiped the tears from my eyes and quickly grabbed my book bag. Rifling through my drawers, I scooped up an extra set of clothing and carelessly flung it into the bag, not even looking at what I packed. Picking up my cell phone from the nightstand I’d left it on so it could charge, I dialed Rini.

  “Hello?” She didn’t sound like herself, but I didn’t have time to ask her about it, nor was I in the right frame of mind.

  “Rini?” My voice was small and high-pitched. I knew she could tell that something was wrong when I started to cry on the phone.

  “Nix! Is everything alright?” she pressed urgently.

  “I need to get out of here for a little while. Can you…” I didn’t even finish asking.

  “On my way.” I heard the jingle of keys and relief shot through my chest.

  I perched on the end of my bed and tried to focus on drawing breath into my lungs. In. Out. Repeat. If I could focus on the small things, it helped to take my mind off of my immediate problems. It was my version of centering myself.

  A much softer knock sounded on my door. “Nix…” Hiro called out for me, his tone soothing and gentle just like he was. “I’ve sent the others away. It’s just me. Do you think you can open the door?”

  I stared at the door with watery eyes, but I made no move to go and answer it. I couldn’t see him right now. I couldn’t see any of them.

  “I’m so sorry things escalated like that. Killian never should have said those things to you.” The steel in Hiro’s voice hinted at how serious he was. He was angry at Killian on my behalf. Good, because I wasn’t in a place to even focus on the actual fight.

  My hands shook and I rubbed at my palms in a painful massage, working to steady my frayed nerves as I glanced around the room. I focused on finding certain items, things new to me in this world—my favorite purple sweater hanging in the closet, the books Rini had given me stacked on my desk, the dark green fabric of my comforter—letting them anchor me into the present. I felt worn out, and everytime I heard one of the guys raise their voices downstairs as they continued to argue, my adrenaline spiked again. I didn’t know how to deal with conflict like this.

  “How could you say that to her?” Damien roared, and I winced at the tone despite his defending me, picking at my fingernails as I listened.

  “I don’t know! I fucking messed up.” Killian yelled back. I closed my eyes tightly. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.

  My Phoenix cooed softly, offering her comfort and protection. I could feel her pain as sharp as mine—her hurt over not being able to protect me during my formative years, of being sealed inside of me where she couldn’t even offer comfort.

  “I’m here for you, Nix. Whenever you’re ready to let me in,” Hiro murmured through the door, and I could almost picture him on the other side.

  The longer I sat and focused on my surroundings and the fabric against my skin, the less vivid the flashes in my mind became, and I counted out my breaths, trying to bar them out completely.

  I heard the front door slam open and the corresponding stomping of feminine footsteps. It always impressed me how Rini could bolster herself up to try and make herself appear larger and more threatening, but she’d always be petite. Petite yet scary.

  If I weren’t so heartbroken, I would have smiled at the image of her railing at the guys for upsetting me. Surprisingly, I didn’t hear her utter a word. She marched herself up the stairs and knocked gently on my door.

  “Nix? It’s me. Open up.” Her soft voice was like a light in my otherwise dark world, a strand of hope, a feminine bouy in a world where I was drowning in testosterone and anger.

  I grabbed my black hoodie and pulled it over my head. I didn’t want to take Ryder’s coat tonight and be surrounded by his scent, and I hadn’t yet replaced my ruined purple one. I snatched a few other long sleeve shirts, planning to layer if I needed more warmth. It would have to do. I slung my bag over my shoulder, and unlocked my door.

  “Come on. Let’s go.” Rini interlocked her arm with mine and dragged me from my room with the sole purpose of extracting me from the tense house.

  Hiro leaned in the hallway, waiting, and he straightened as I emerged. “Nix,” he started, his hands held out toward me in a gentle, non-threatening way, but I just couldn’t let him—or any male—touch me yet. Even as I watched the hurt flash into his eyes, the desperation, I couldn’t help but cringe from him, leaning my body back to Rini’s. I needed some time to bury the nightmares. I felt raw and on display, vulnerable—like an exposed nerve. One touch and I would break. I needed to put myself back together and Hiro couldn’t help me do that. Not right now.

  “No.” Rini held her hand up, fully inserting herself between us. “I don’t know what happened but she’s upset, Hiro. Upset by something one of you or all of you did and she needs her time. Not everything is sunshine and roses all the time. Sometimes, life is hard, and right now, Nix and me are disappearing for a girls’ day.”

  I wanted to gape at the fierceness behind Rini’s words. Something was definitely bothering her, but I didn’t dare open my mouth as she faced off with Hiro. Plus, she was on my side, aiding in my liberation… which was what I needed.

  “I understand, Rini. I just want to tell Nix that he didn’t mean it. He wasn’t thinking when he said what he said.”

  I nodded, wrapping my arms around my middle as he talked. When he took a step closer, I took a step back.

  “I can’t right now, Hiro.” I forced my voice past my lips. “Please…” I didn't need to say more. I hated the hurt that flashed in his brown eyes, but he took the step back that I needed.

  He watched me go as I headed downstairs; I stuck close to Rini as we made a beeline for the front door. My eyes were glued to the exit, avoiding eye contac
t and conversation, simply getting me out held my entire focus. My heart was the only sound I heard, the pounding loud in my ears. My hands were still shaking. The guys had grown silent the moment I’d stepped off the stairs, but my luck broke as Killian tried to get my attention.

  “Nix,” he called out. His voice deep and gravelly. “Fuck. I didn’t… I wasn’t trying to say that—”

  “Not now, Killian.” Rini glared around the room, half blocking me from view. “I don’t know what you all did, but you need to learn there are consequences to your actions,” she scolded them like she was their mother. “Men,” she muttered, spinning and placing a gentle hand on my back. “Nix will be with me for the rest of the night. We’ll be at my mother’s, since I know you won’t rest until you know where she is.” She waved a hand backward at them, not bothering to turn around as I opened the front door.

  I fucking loved Rini. I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend. I didn’t even have to ask, and she knew I couldn’t handle being at home with her bears right now, needing the presence of females or simply being away from everyone.

  Before the door shut, I glanced over my shoulder once, gathering the courage to look at them all. Ryder appeared dejected, and Killian had his hands delved into his russet red hair—a storm brewing in his broken green eyes, lines dug deep into the corners. Hiro was standing at the bottom of the stairs with his hands buried in his pockets and a solemn look on his face, watching me walk away. Twisting his glasses in his hands, Theo let out a long, loud breath. Damien, on the other hand, was pressing at our mental connection, his eyes reading my face while his powers tried to read my mind.

  I locked eyes with him, and opened the connection, letting all my hurt and pain flood him. I hoped he passed the feelings to Killian so he would see how his words could affect people. How they had affected me.

  “Nix…” Killian sounded broken, his eyes swimming with gathered emotion.

  The shame I felt clogged my throat but anger was thick right behind it. A rollercoaster of emotions rode me as I turned and walked away.

  I couldn’t stay in this house full of men, especially if they were going to keep fighting. They needed to learn they couldn’t talk to me that way. They shouldn’t talk to any woman that way, shouldn’t even to talk to each other that way.

  Remember what I said about relationships. The mental push came from Damien but was spoken by Theo. They were urgent, caring, and soft. Tears shimmered in my eyes.

  I did remember. Relationships were work. How much effort was I willing to put into them? How much work could I do to change the nightmares that plagued me? I had been trying to remove them for years. How much work were they willing to do? Was I asking for too many changes to the comfortable world they had, the way of life they have always lived?

  Same question. I let the words fly.

  I climbed into Rini’s truck and threw my bag into the back of the cab.

  I slammed the door at the same time I slammed my mental connection closed. I hoped they would think through it all. My individual relationships with each of them were going well… or they had been. But the distance between Damien and us all was hurting our bond. Killian’s lashing out was hurting us too. What had gotten into him tonight?

  Rini gunned the truck down the local roads, heading somewhere I didn’t recognize. I let the blur of scenery pass outside my window as I sniffled, trying to hold back a complete breakdown.

  My answer to Theo’s question was everything. I hoped they understood why I left. I just couldn’t be there right now. Not while my mind was a mess and my heart felt broken, when my body ached just to breathe. Not when they were fighting. Not when everything in my life felt confusing and messy.

  I seethed in my seat as everything started adding up, piling onto the heap of misery I was feeling. With the wounds of my past freshly opened, all my hurt and doubt came flooding to the forefront. I didn’t trust the Council. Why did they care what kind of mythologicals we created? Why did they find it necessary to dictate matings so strictly and would they succeed in keeping me and my men apart? The idea of any other woman touching them made me sick to my stomach. Even though we’d fought, they were mine and I was theirs. I felt it in my bones… in my very soul.

  No, I definitely didn’t trust the Council. For that matter… why the hell hadn’t they told us they had Michael before they called their Council meeting? They’d had him for days—fucking days—before they’d called that gathering. And why the hell were executions celebrated in this society? What kind of world had I wandered into where death was so prevalent and praised, a spectacle for a party rather than a solemn affair. Wasn’t that the very thing I had been trying to escape from? And how in the world did Damien’s father know Michael? What was the connection? What exactly had Damien heard? Why didn’t he want to let us in? We were family, and while I didn’t have much experience with good families, I felt like that should mean we trusted each other to carry each other’s burdens.

  My Phoenix fluttered in my head, and I felt her censure. Yet, it wasn’t aimed fully at Damien… but at myself.

  What? I asked, but she just continued to press her feelings into my mind. I’m not… being honest? I could see my furrowed brows and scrunched nose in the reflection of the window as I tried to decipher what she was sharing with me. She pressed harder. Because I’m not sharing my concerns with them? Cooing, she confirmed my answer was correct.

  I signed. I don’t have any proof that the Council is corrupt or untrustworthy. Some of those people are their families. They’ve been exposed to that system their entire life. I’d be asking them to give up everything they know for me.

  If my Phoenix could arch a brow at me, she would have. Her meaning was clear. Get proof.

  My anger swiftly morphed into determination. I couldn’t escape my demons yet, but maybe I could prevent new ones. If I could focus on this, on getting some proof to my concerns—or maybe alleviating them—then I didn’t have to think about the past, didn’t have to let this darkness swallow me. Every muscle in my body was tense as I thought through everything—spiraling into a dark hole I wasn’t sure there was an escape from. If I started investigating the Council, I was putting myself—and those I loved—into danger. Yet, I was done being a victim. I wanted to control my own life. I hadn’t fought so hard to escape my own personal hell only to fall right into another one. This one just happened to be a fancier and unfamiliar cage.

  The car pulled up to a gravel airstrip and I saw the silhouette of a man standing next to a small prop plane. Despite my determination and the easing of the pain, I felt my body tense.

  “What are we doing?” I asked Rini, instantly curious and wary of where she’d taken me.

  “I called James. Part of his job is to run one of the planes that flies back and forth between the commune and Anchorage.” I relaxed, realizing the man ahead of us was the Thunderbird I was so fond of. “This will be a million times faster than taking the boats, and I don’t know about you, but I need to get out of here.” Frustration tinged her voice.

  “Hey—” I reached out to Rini and placed a hand on her forearm. “—are you alright? What’s going on? Which bear’s ass do I need to kick?”

  She snorted. “Each and every one of their asses, Nix.” Under her breath she mumbled something about a horse that should be a donkey and something about a pain in her ass, but I couldn’t make sense of it. Was she talking about Ryder? I dropped it and followed her lead, grabbing my bag from the back and hopping out of the vehicle.

  “You’re sure this is a safe mode of transportation?” I threw my hand over my eyes, shielding them from the glaring afternoon sun and surveyed the white plane, sizing it up as the death trap it was.

  “One hundred percent safe.” James smiled and knocked on the metal exterior of the plane. “I’ve already run through all the security checks. She’s ready to fly.”

  I looked at Rini once more and she gave me as reassuring a smile as she could muster given her mood and mine. I
followed her up and into the plane and settled in for the ride.

  The chilled bowl of ice cream froze my fingers as I scooped yet another bite of the cookie dough confection into my mouth and let it melt on my tongue as I savored it. Li Min hadn’t even questioned our arrival. Instead, she’d pulled out two bowls and procured the delicious ice cream from the depths of her freezer, creating monster sundaes for us to gorge ourselves on before leaving us in peace.

  I hadn’t grown up with my mother, but if I had, I hoped she’d have been something like Rini’s.

  The airplane ride to the commune had felt perilous. Riding on a prop plane had been much different from that of a jetliner. Every small movement could be felt and my heart had nearly beat out of my chest with every dip and adjustment. My Phoenix had been amused by my nervousness—given that flying was natural for us. Yet barreling through the air in a metal container didn’t feel natural. Killian loved flying, though. Somehow, I thought I’d be more comfortable flying if it were him in the cockpit. My heart ached as he crossed my mind, and I blinked back a fresh wave of tears.

  I heard Rini sniffling as well, and when I looked over I saw tears streaking down her face. We glanced at each other, taking in each other’s watery eyes.

  A bubble of laughter broke free and soon we were both laughing like lunatics. The release of the tension was exactly what we both needed.

  “Well, we make quite the pair.” She gave me a small grin.

  I laughed again and wiped my eyes on my sleeve.

  “It’s nice to be able to breathe again.” I inhaled deeply and let it out to accentuate my point. “Do you want to talk about it?” I offered.

  “No. Not yet. Do you?” Her gaze slid to my face, concern and understanding in her eyes.