Troublemakers Read online

  A Note From The Author’s B-hole

  Thank you for reading Troublemakers. I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, which is to say I hope you found it to be a chore and would rather have been eating pizza and playing video games.

  I really, really want to make a website to go with this book. It'll have all sorts of fun stuff on it, like exclusive stories, stickers, and maybe an online game. All you have to do is help me buy the domain name. Currently, "Troublemakers.com" is on sale for the very reasonable price of $29,995.00.

  Now, I don't expect you to pay the entire thing - a simple $5,000 donation from the first 6 readers will get it done. Please go to greggmaxwellparker.com/troublemakers to pledge your money (minimum contribution $1,000) today. Or, if you're some sort of cheapskate, sign up for the mailing list, where I'll alert you of future Troublemakers projects and possibly steal your identity.

  Also, it brings me no pleasure to have to beg for reviews within the content of my book, but it's a necessary part of the business: please, pretty please review this book on your favorite river-themed online retailer. It will help get the word out, which will help me sell more copies, which will give me the ability to write more of these. Thanks.

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  [1] Do you know about Thunderstorms? That’s when you wait for someone to go into the bathroom and sit down in a stall, and then you flick the lights on and off (for the lightning), bang on the door (thunder), and then (rain) dump a trash can full of water on them. Harmless fun.

  [2] Hot tip: when covering up your TV watching, don’t just change it back to the channel your parents were last on. You need to first go to some OTHER channel they like, and THEN change it. That way, if they pick up the remote and hit “LAST,” you won’t get caught. You’re welcome.

  [3] 1. Only Thunderstorm a particular kid once. 2. The victim then gets to participate in selecting/pranking the next victim. 3. Announce the Thunderstorm when the lightning starts so the victim has time to put their phone away before the rain comes.

  [4] Lip sank? Lip sunk? Whatever. I pretended to sing.

  [5] I didn’t believe Carlos when he said you couldn’t get expelled, but it’s true. Everybody heard Miranda got expelled, and then a day later, he was back, which is actually LESS punishment than the three-day suspension I got for trying to brew toilet kombucha in the boys’ bathroom.

  [6] Here’s what I’m thinking: get like a really good stylist to shave an image of my face into the back of my head, so it looks like the back of my head is the front of my head. You’ll be like, “Is Byron looking at me? I can’t tell! He has two faces!” I can think of many espionage-related applications for the hair-face.

  [7] Period, Assignment, Name, Date, you uncultured swine.