The Devil's Concubine Read online

  “There was hardly any wind but at least we were moving. During the trip, I was constantly thinking about what happened to Shallem and when I would see him again. Maybe he was waiting for me on the ship in Alexandria. Why shouldn’t he be? What could stop an angel?

  “I was surprised when I began to see the small adobe houses along the river which indicated we were close to civilization.

  “ ‘Close? Close?’ I asked nervously, desperately hoping they would understand me.

  “ ‘Kom El Shokafa.’ The man helped me understand how close we were through his gestures and the happy tone of his voice.

  “Yes. Soon I saw Alexandria’s huge crowd of people. Magnificent. The pyramid wasn’t in the Valley of Kings as I had feared or it would have taken much longer to arrive. Undoubtedly, the pyramid’s owner had wanted to hide his resting place from pillage by thieves, although he had failed to do so.

  “It had taken us a couple of hours to arrive. I had enough time to go to the house and get the tickets and money for the trip. God willing, Shallem would be waiting there.

  “I paid the old man the money I had offered and thanked him for the trip using universal language. I ran home, pleading to find Shallem there but it was just as empty as when we had left it. My hope vanished and my heart shattered. I sat on the edge of the bed and trembled. ‘Okay,’ I tried to console myself, ‘Maybe he’ll be on the boat.’

  “I took advantage of the time I had before the boat was to set sail and washed up and changed my clothes. When it was time, I grabbed my things and set out for the port. The boat was already docked so I handed over my ticket and went straight toward the cabin, my hopes renewed that he had already arrived and was waiting for me. But it was empty. I went back on deck and searched the port until the ship set sail. Nothing. ‘He can appear at any moment during the trip,’ I told myself and that inspiring thought gave me comfort.”

  –V–

  “The days went by slowly, painfully. In my solitude, I suffered as though a part of my soul had left my body. I barely ate. I couldn’t sleep. Day and night, I would search the skies for any sign, however vague, of a celestial appearance. I felt weak and empty. Could Shallem be in some sort of danger I didn’t know about? How much longer will it be? How long will I be able to endure life, his absence, the emptiness while I wait?

  “The trip seemed to take forever. I wanted to reach the port because I was hopeful Shallem would be there waiting for me. If he weren’t, what would I do? Where would I go? Soon I’d have to find the answers to those questions.

  “When land became visible in the horizon, I focused on it and searched for the splendid vision of my lover which I knew I could distinguish from kilometers away. But as the ship docked, my eyes filled with tears. Just as I had feared, he wasn’t there, he wasn’t at the old and familiar port of Marseille.

  “At least I was in a place I knew, a place where everyone spoke my language and shared my culture. After all, this was my country, if I had ever had a country.

  “I reserved a room in an inn that faced the port. It wasn’t the same inn I had stayed in some three or four months before, I mean, seventy-six years before. That one no longer existed.

  “I had been prudent to exchange Egyptian money with one of the sailors on the boat who frequently travelled to Alexandria and, therefore, would be able to spend it. I had some money, only a little, to sustain myself humbly for one or two weeks. I couldn’t afford to make any unnecessary or nonessential purchases. I didn’t even dare buy a new dress although the ugly Egyptian tunic I wore would attract a tremendous amount of attention.

  “What would I do if Shallem didn’t return and I ran out of money? I thought about my land in Saint-Ange; however, my guardian would be as dead as I should have been. I’m sure Geniez and I had been presumed dead because of the fire in the castle and all of my land had gone to the Church. I didn’t know anyone who could still be living. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I didn’t have anything. My situation was much worse now than it had been a few months earlier.

  “Marseille hadn’t changed much. There were plenty of jobs for those who knew how to do something, anything. But I didn’t know how to do anything. I looked for work in taverns as a waitress, in workshops and stores as a sales clerk but all I received were lewd remarks.

  “During that era, crusades and monasteries were a way out for men with no money. And women? Prostitution or convents. I chose the latter. One of the waitresses in the inn suggested the idea and knew of a convent in Orleans. Her aunt had lived there for forty-seven years. It was small, didn’t have many strict rules, and you didn’t need a dowry to join. Just what I needed. But, would Shallem find me in a convent? I would sure to take care of that by leaving a good trail behind me in case his powers weren’t strong enough to find me in such a hidden place. What else could I do?

  “I was able to get transportation to the convent with the money I had left. Just as I had decided, I told everyone my name and where I was going so Shallem would have no problems finding me. At every stop we made I etched my name onto walls, doors, and trees. And I acted really foolish so I wouldn’t go unnoticed. I wanted to make a lasting impression on all who saw me.

  “The convent was really secluded. No more than twelve nuns lived there and all of them were old. Their order was diminishing so they welcomed my young blood with much happiness. So much so that they barely asked me any questions. As soon as the gate opened and before I could ask for the waitress’s aunt, they surrounded me and practically forced me to go inside. If it weren’t my intention to stay, I doubt they would have let me leave.

  “Right away they gave me a novice’s habit, which they had to dust off, some sandals, a rosary, a crucifix, and a ring. They showed me the cell that would serve as my modest shelter and offered me some of their simple food. I couldn’t have asked for more.

  “They didn’t care to find out where I came from or to ask questions about the reasons I gave them for wanting to join the order. They were simply fascinated by my youth and decided not to let me escape.

  “The nuns seemed to live completely out of touch with reality. They were like characters in some sort of strange, demented story; characters who are completely unpredictable since they didn’t dwell in the realm of what was real nor did they behave according to known principles or show genuine and sincere emotions.

  “They had no contact with the outside world except when they disdainfully accepted donations from people who offered them. They used their small garden and some chickens to survive. They spent the majority of their time in the garden and the rest was spent cleaning the convent, preparing food, and saying their endless and monotonous prayers. All of them helped out in every chore.

  “They laughed about the most absurd things and used their own jargon and private jokes that no one outside of their demented group could understand. I didn’t doubt I would end up in the same state if I had to stay there long.

  “It was winter and the inside my cell was terribly cold. Tucked away in bed, walking through the cloister, helping with the daily chores or saying my useless prayers, there was only one thought in my mind: Shallem.

  “I imagined the nuns thought my constant detachment and prolonged silences were some sort of special refuge that only my mystic, superior spirit could dwell in. They looked at me as if I were a saint engrossed in some sort of eternal religious ecstasy. That is what they wanted to believe and they never looked for any other explanation. Frequently, I thought about God, yes, but not as my Creator, but as a cruel Father who made my sweet and innocent lover suffer. A Father who was, perhaps, subjecting him to a cruel punishment my simple mind couldn’t even fathom. The salacious devil’s celestial punishment for having a mortal concubine. Well, why didn’t he punish me? The sacrilegious human who dared to live in his dwelling. Perhaps this was my punishment, to live as a prisoner in a cold cell until I die.

  “Maybe I had made a mistake by shutting myself behind the convent’s thick walls. What if this place of pray
er and meditation was protected by some sort of unexplainable or supernatural shield against evil that would somehow keep me hidden from Shallem or keep me away from him?

  “However, soon I would find out that such imaginary and invisible divine protection, unfortunately, does not exist.

  “Eight days had gone by since I arrived at the convent. It was a cold, star filled night and I was already in bed enjoying, and also suffering, my memories of Shallem’s superhuman warmth and exquisitely shaped body. I was thinking about how his beautiful face was nothing more than a pale reflection of his soul. A soul which shined through his eyes and which I loved so much. I was thinking about all the things he had yet to tell me.

  “Suddenly, a blinding light flooded the tiny cell. Dazed, I couldn’t see anything for a few minutes. My heart pounded in my chest, more from terror and uncertainty than from joy that it might be Shallem.

  “Soon I could make out a human silhouette in the darkness; it looked as if it had been outlined by a pen of light. My head began to spin when I began to suspect, more than suspect, when I knew with certainty who it was.

  “ ‘You, here,’ I said in a thin small voice. ‘How? Why?’

  “He watched me like someone watched, with both curiosity and disgust, an insect that was more or less repugnant. At once, and without him making the slightest movement, the sheets started slipping off my body. I screamed and tried to grab them but abruptly, as if invisible hands had given them a violent jerk, the sheets leapt to the end of my feet exposing my simple white nightgown.

  “He was naked, just as he had been the first time I had seen him, only this time he didn’t bother to disguise himself on my behalf. It was clearly and simply him.

  “ ‘Please,’ I begged him crying. ‘Tell me where Shallem is.’

  “Without opening his mouth to say a word, he put a thought in my mind.

  “ ‘You have him? It’s you?’

  “His face was as unresponsive as a statue. Not one gesture, not one movement, he didn’t even blink. I looked at the wooden crucifix hanging above my bed, which should have been protecting me while I slept.

  “ ‘This is God’s house. You shouldn’t be here,’ I stuttered foolishly.

  “He didn’t make a move and his lack of movement and expressionless face were driving me crazy. I knew very well what he wanted, what he had come searching for.

  “Suddenly I watched, horrified and unable to move or speak, the lewd way his sex rose right before my eyes, quick and vigorous, as if it had just obeyed a cold and demanding order.

  “I cringed, terrified by what was about to happen. I opened my lips to scream, to ask God for help, to ask God why he was punishing me, but only my gasping breath was able to pass through them. I wanted to get up, to run, but I couldn’t take my gaze away from those unfathomable, bottomless eyes that didn’t reflect the least bit of desire toward me.

  “He got on top of me quickly. I felt his naked legs and the intense heat that radiated from his body. He didn’t want to, whatsoever, touch my body. All he wanted was the entrance to my reproductive organs. I tried to stop him. I swear I did, but he had me under some kind of spell. I was hypnotized, paralyzed. What could I have done against that creature’s powers?

  “He didn’t touch me with any part of his body except with the organ he needed to carry out his mission. He placed his hands on the mattress and extended his arms so he could keep himself high above me. He wasn’t looking for any type of physical pleasure. With difficulty, he entered me with his long penis and stayed absolutely still while he watched me. He had me spellbound, unable to make a move against him. All I could do was watch him with my eyes painfully open and without daring to touch him since I knew he would be disgusted. What was happening to me in the darkness of that gloomy cell, which I had yet to grow accustomed to, barely seemed real. But it was frightfully real. He kept still for a few seconds and then I felt his hot, immortal flow of fluid, impetuous like lava from a volcano, going toward its inevitable encounter with my human egg. Then, quickly, as if carrying out an unpleasant task, he got off me and stood.

  “I tried to speak. I wanted to say something, however stupid. That I hated him, that I’d kill his child before it even had the opportunity to be born. But I wasn’t able to say a word. I remained speechless as I watched him grab my washbasin and quickly wash his penis as if he had been infected by the scant secretions he had made me produce. His deceptive human appearance gave me the urge to stand up and throw myself at him, hit me, slap him. He wasn’t going to kill me, now that he had finally accomplished such a repulsive act with a human. But I was not brave, attacking him would have provoked him too much. Tears of rage, hate, and hopelessness rain in streams down my cheeks.

  “ ‘You have your revenge you bastard,’ I managed to whisper. ‘Now give me back Shallem.’

  “He approached the edge of the bed and gave me an intense, impatient look.

  “ ‘Think it through,’ I continued, frightened by my boldness but urged by a courage inspired by love. ‘I can’t live without him. I’ll kill myself before your child is born.’

  “I thought I had come up with a good strategy but all he gave me, for the first time, was a worthless effort of a smile that slightly animated his face. Then he disappeared. I was left staring at nothing wearing the same foolish, scared and defiant expression. But I wasn’t relieved after he left, as I should have been, instead I felt even more alone and heart-broken because he was the only being I knew who could answer my questions and bring back my life, my soul, my heart. All he had done was leave me in a frightening and horrible situation.

  “I worried about Shallem before I began worrying about my horrific pregnancy. It wasn’t God, as I had thought, that had punished him. It was that heartless monster whose powers were undoubtedly stronger than Shallem’s. What did he do to him? Was he suffering? Now, more than ever, I wished Shallem were with me. Would Eonar heed my threat even though he had smiled bitterly?

  “Eonar didn’t leave a single mark on my body that would have proven the rape had been real. I hadn’t felt any pain besides involuntary muscle contractions brought on by terror. I couldn’t see or feel any physical signs of the rape, but it had been real. He had been in my cell. In that small, dark and barren cell in which the moon’s most intrepid rays were barely able to penetrate the absurdly small and narrow barred window. Now everything was peaceful, the world hadn’t changed in the slightest. The night’s cool breeze still smelled like damp soil and rosemary, crickets continued to chirp, indifferent to what had occurred. The convent was completely silent. Angels in heaven did not descend for me, horrified by what happened, to put an immediate end to the sacrilegious conception. However, I felt comfort in thinking that they might help me. If their fallen brothers were able to descend, why couldn’t they?

  “I started praying to them out loud, imagining how they gathered invisibly around my cell after sensing or perhaps witnessing the tragedy. I imagine them watching me, filled with sadness, from a place we couldn’t see but from where we could be observed. I prayed to them instead of Jesus or the Virgin Mary. I begged them to end the pregnancy and swore that I was innocent, that my only crime was loving their brother’s beautiful soul, something which I could never stop doing. For more than an hour, I desperately begged them to appear before me because I couldn’t stand going through it completely alone. I strained my ears trying to hear their response but there was no supernatural presence to hear my pleas or soothe my anguish. Or, if there were, maybe they just chastised my audacity with bitter anger.

  “Exhausted and humiliated, I lay down on the bed hoping to fall asleep. Sleep came quickly as I continued pleading to God, to the Virgin, to all the Saints for the baby not to be born.

  “A few hours later it was dawn and, as was their habit, the convent’s roosters punctually woke me up. As soon as I opened my eyes and as soon as my memories returned, my heart began to pound uncontrollably. Trembling, I stood up and put on my conservative old habit. I went to the
chapel filled with a desperate enthusiasm I had never before felt. I savored every word during Mass and found within them spiritual meanings and messages, which I thought, were directed at me. When the host was about to be placed in my mouth I became frightened, very frightened. I didn’t feel worthy to accept it and thought it would burn my impure tongue. But it just stuck to my tongue as if it refused to be absorbed by my body. But it must be absorbed, it must cleanse me, purify me. I wanted to take communion a second time, but I didn’t dare ask. I stayed in the chapel when the nuns left for breakfast. The only substance that would satiate my hunger was the unleavened bread of the Eucharist. I wanted to devour it with my bare hands, fill my stomach with it so it could drag itself through my body like red-hot lava in such a way no crevice inside me escaped its purifying fire. It would burn any evil nestled within my body, destroy the evil seed. I felt it was a good omen it didn’t kill me as soon as it entered my mouth, not all was lost.

  “I remained kneeling for hours begging all the known Saints, all the angels in heaven, and especially the Virgin Mary, who I was sure would understand me the best. I felt a hand on my shoulder and flinched. I saw a nun’s chubby red face. She had come to get me. It was time for dinner, she told me. She told me I had spent more than six hours praying and God wouldn’t be pleased if I didn’t nourish the body he had given me in the same way I nourished my soul. When I turned around, I saw that three or four foolish nuns were watching me curiously from the door, as if they were spying on a Saint in religious rapture. It was a shame they were all so simple minded; there was no one I could confide in.

  “I spent the following days fervently praying and meditating, diligently attending to my duties in the convent, foolishly wishing that by doing so I would earn some points in heaven’s divine court. My faith and hope wouldn’t diminish until two weeks after the encounter with Eonar. By then I would have had my period and my fear of being pregnant would dissipate into the air like the smoke from a bonfire after a violent storm.