Ryan Smithson Read online

  I see the ghosts of war.

  I see the message. And that message astounds me, because, even though I celebrate Christmas, and even though I study Zen philosophy, and even though I see countless Muslims place their mats and pray toward Mecca, in war, in a foxhole, my epiphany is when I realize that there is something out there bigger than myself.

  It’s not about believing. It’s not about ideas or who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s just sudden. It just exists.

  There is something more.

  And now I see that I am grateful for war, for the ghosts. I’m grateful for the worst in humanity, because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to understanding the best in humanity. I’m grateful for my moments of insanity, because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to becoming sane.

  It’s a lot like love. You can tell a thousand love stories, but only those who’ve been in love will truly understand what it is you’re talking about. Even when you are in love, it’s impossible to understand. But that’s the way love has to be. That’s the way war has to be.

  And when the war is over, I’m sitting at home one day, and I miss it.

  I miss the power, and I miss the vulnerability. I miss the innocence, and I miss the guilt. I miss the death, and I miss the life.

  I long for it, but I know it can’t come back. So I hold on to it.

  We call this faith.

  And without faith we are nothing.

  GLOSSARY

  201 file: The repository of all personnel records for an individual service member.

  50 cal. (Browning .50 caliber): A heavy machine gun also known as the M2 and “Ma Deuce.”

  550 cord: Lightweight nylon kernmantle rope.

  AAR (After Action Review): An assessment conducted after a mission or training exercise to discover what happened, why it happened, and how to improve for next time.

  Abu Ghraib prison: Originally known as the prison where Saddam Hussein’s government tortured and executed dissidents or those who spoke out against his government. In 2004, Abu Ghraib became associated with a prisoner abuse scandal when it was discovered that U.S. soldiers had tortured and humiliated Iraqi detainees.

  ACE (Ammo, Casualties, Equipment) report: A check on the amount of ammo, the condition of any casualties, and the status of equipment.

  Active Duty: Full-time service in the armed forces.

  ACU (Army Combat Uniform): The most recent uniform of the U.S. Army.

  A-driver (Assistant driver): A soldier sitting in the passenger seat of a vehicle in a convoy, responsible for manning the radio and assisting the driver in general awareness.

  AIT (Advanced Individual Training): Training soldiers receive in their chosen MOS.

  AK-47: A 7.62 mm assault rifle. Due to its durability and ease of use, it is the most widely used assault rifle in the world.

  ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery): A multiple-choice test used to determine one’s qualification for enlistment in the armed forces.

  AT (Annual Training): Two-week training reservists must conduct every year of their enlistment.

  AT4: A portable one-shot antitank weapon used more commonly today to destroy or disable armored vehicles and fortifications; its name is a pun on the weapon’s caliber of 84 mm.

  AWOL (Absent Without Leave): To be absent from post without a valid pass or leave.

  Battalion: A military unit of about 500–1,500 soldiers, usually consisting of between two and seven companies and typically commanded by a lieutenant colonel.

  BCT (Basic Combat Training): Nine-week training that every soldier must complete upon enlistment; does not include the week of in-processing called reception.

  Berm: Pile of dirt usually used as a perimeter defense.

  Blackwater: Blackwater Worldwide (formerly Blackwater USA); a private military contractor used mostly for security services in Iraq.

  Blue Phase: The last three weeks of BCT, signified by a blue guidon.

  Bobcat: A brand of skid steer loader used for small construction jobs.

  BRASS (Breathe, Relax, Aim, Sight picture, Squeeze): Acronym for the proper shooting technique.

  BRM (Basic Rifle Marksmanship): Rifle practice and qualification that every soldier must complete in basic training and must remain proficient in throughout his or her career.

  Buck Sergeant: Jargon for pay grade E-5, or the first rank of sergeant.

  C130: A tactical four-engine turboprop military transport aircraft.

  Cadence: A chant sung by military personnel while parading or marching to stay in step.

  Chain of Command: A bureaucratic system in which each employee answers to only one supervisor.

  Chinook: A twin-engine, tandem rotor, heavy-lift helicopter.

  CID (Criminal Investigation Division): The federal law enforcement agency that investigates serious crimes and violations of civilian and military law.

  Company: A military unit of about 75–200 soldiers, usually consisting of between three and five platoons and typically commanded by a captain.

  CQ (Command Quarters): A building or other structure from which company-level decisions are made; also known as a TOC (Tactical Operations Center).

  Cross-level: A process by which the army transfers soldiers between units, dictated by deployment circumstances.

  CS gas (2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile): Tear gas.

  DCU (Desert Camouflage Uniform): The brown-and-tan uniform used by the U.S. Army in desert operations. Use of this uniform discontinued in October 2007.

  DFAC (Dining Facility): A chow hall where soldiers eat.

  DoD (Department of Defense): The U.S. government agency that overseas all functions related to national security and the military.

  Double Time: Jargon for “run.”

  ECP (Entry Control Point): Controlled entrance to an army post, camp, or FOB.

  EOD (Explosive Ordinance Disposal): A team of soldiers who render safe the hazardous or explosive devices encountered by the military.

  ETD (Estimated Time of Departure): Leaving times for a flight or convoy.

  E-Tool (Entrenching tool): Collapsible shovel.

  FOB (Forward Operations Base): Any secured forward position that is used to support tactical operations.

  Formation: Gathering of soldiers by rank and file, used for accountability and marching.

  Front leaning rest position: Push-up position.

  FTX (Field Training Exercise): An exercise during which soldiers train as if they are at war.

  Full battle rattle: Jargon for “fully geared”; consists of Kevlar (helmet), body armor, rifle, and ammunition.

  Geneva Convention: Four treaties formulated in Geneva, Switzerland, from 1864–1949 that set the standard for the rules of war, including the rules of engagement and the treatment of noncombatants and prisoners of war.

  Guidon: A flag that companies or platoons carry to signify their unit designation or corps affiliation.

  Haji: A Muslim who has made the hajj, or pilgrimage to Mecca, one of the five pillars, or obligations, of Islam. Soldiers of the Iraq War use “haji” in both a derogatory manner and in a general way to describe something Middle Eastern or Muslim.

  Halliburton: One of the world’s largest providers of products and services to the energy industry.

  HEMTT (Heavy Expanded Mobile Tactical Truck): A range of 8x8 diesel-powered, off-road capable trucks. A 10x10 variant of the HEMTT is used as prime mover in the Palletized Load System (PLS).

  Herringbone: Staggered formation in which every vehicle of a convoy is a certain distance apart on alternate sides of the road.

  Hesco barriers: Large bastions for perimeter defense and usually filled by scoop loaders.

  HMMWV (Highly Mobile Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle): Diesel-powered trucks used for carrying personnel and light cargo, “Humvees” have been the military’s vehicle of choice since 1979.

  Hy-ex (Hydraulic Excavator): A track-mounted, hydraulic-controlled vehicle used for excavating earth, rock, sand, and for movin
g construction materials.

  IED (Improvised Explosive Device): A homemade explosive device used in unconventional warfare and the leading cause of U.S./Coalition casualties in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom.

  Insurgent: Participant of a violent uprising against a government.

  Kalashnikov: See AK-47.

  KBR (Kellogg, Brown and Root): An American engineering and construction company that provides logistical support to U.S. and Coalition forces in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom.

  Kevlar: A light, strong synthetic fiber used by the military mostly in body armor and ballistic helmets, the latter now referred to as Kevlar.

  Logistics: The management of the flow of goods, information, or other services from the point of origin to the point of consumption.

  LOGPAC (Logistics Package): A convoy used for logistics purposes.

  Lower enlisted: Soldiers below pay grade E-5. From lowest to highest rank: private (E-1), private (E-2), private first class (E-3), specialist (E-4), and corporal (E-4).

  M16: A semiautomatic rifle that fires 5.56 mm rounds, the standard weapon issued to the U.S. soldier.

  M203: A single-shot 40 mm grenade launcher that attaches to the M16.

  M60: An American general-purpose machine gun that fires 7.62 mm rounds.

  M916: A tractor truck used by the military to haul various cargo.

  M978: See HEMMT.

  MEDEVAC (Medical Evacuation): The timely and efficient removal of soldiers from the battlefield via aircraft or ambulance so that they may receive urgent medical attention.

  MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station): Location where entrants and applicants are processed for military service.

  Mobilization training: The first stage of a modern deployment wherein soldiers train before being shipped overseas.

  Mortar: A muzzle-loaded weapon that launches a low-velocity explosive shell and is used for indirect, short-range fire.

  MOS (Military Occupational Specialty): Job classification of military personnel.

  MP (Military Police): The police of a military organization. In Iraq, the MP’s main missions include area security, usually by vehicle patrol, and the capture and supervision of prisoners of war and other detainees.

  MRE (Meal, Ready to Eat): A self-contained, individual field ration.

  MSR (Main Service Route): A route designated within an area of operations upon which the bulk of traffic flows in support of military operations.

  National Guard: A reserve military force funded by the state in which the units reside.

  NCO (Noncommissioned Officer): An enlisted rank defined by its leadership responsibility; includes all the grades of sergeant.

  OD (Olive Drab): A very ugly shade of green.

  OPFOR (Opposing Force): A military unit designated as the enemy in a war training scenario.

  OPSEC (Operational Security): A methodology of keeping secret information from the enemy.

  Parade rest: A more relaxed position of attention used in formation and when talking to noncommissioned officers. Head and eyes forward, back straight, shoulders back, hands clasped behind the back, feet shoulder-width apart.

  PAX terminal: A structure in which passengers wait for aircraft.

  Phonetic alphabet: A system in which a code word is assigned to each letter of the English alphabet, used for clarification purposes over a radio.

  Platoon: A military unit of about 30–50 soldiers, usually consisting of between two to four squads and typically commanded by a lieutenant.

  PLS (Palletized Load System): A logistics supply program used in conjunction with the HEMTT.

  PMCS (Preventative Maintenance Checks and Services): The checks, service, and maintenance performed before, during, and after any movement.

  Position of attention: A strict form used in formation and when talking to commissioned officers. Head and eyes forward, back straight, each thumb curled so that it touches the first joint of each forefinger, each hand straight along the seams of the trousers, heels touch so the feet form a 45-degree angle.

  Prone position: The position of the body lying facedown.

  PT (Physical Training): Military exercise programs.

  PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder): Anxiety disorder that can develop from exposure to one or more traumatic events.

  PX (Post Exchange): Store operated by the Army and Air Force Exchange Program.

  QRF (Quick Reaction Force): A military unit, usually cavalry, that is poised to respond on very short notice, typically less than fifteen minutes.

  Q-West (Qayyarah West): An airbase in Iraq approximately 300 kilometers north of Baghdad.

  Reception: A weeklong system for in-processing recruits before they begin BCT.

  Red Phase: The first three weeks of BCT, signified by a red guidon.

  Reserves: A reserve military force funded by the federal government.

  RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade): A shoulder-launched antitank weapon used by the Iraqi insurgency.

  Rucksack: Standard issue backpack used by soldiers to carry supplies.

  SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon): A one-man machine gun that fires 5.56 mm rounds.

  Sector of fire: A defined area that is required to be covered by the fire of a weapon-carrying individual or crew.

  SF (Special Forces): Highly trained military units that conduct specialized operations, such as reconnaissance, unconventional warfare, or counterterrorism actions.

  Sheik: “Elder,” in Arabic; used to denote the elder of a tribe, a lord, a revered wise man, or an Islamic scholar

  SINCGARS (Single Channel Ground and Airborne Radio System): A reliable, secure, and easily maintained radio.

  Smart Book: Slang for the CTT (Common Tasks and Training) manual issued to recruits in BCT.

  SOP (Standard Operating Procedure): Set of guidelines to perform a given operation or in response to a given event.

  Squad: A small military unit led by an NCO.

  TA50: Field clothing and equipment.

  Third country national: An individual of another nationality hired by a government or a government-sanctioned contractor who represent neither the contracting government nor the host country or area of operations.

  UA (Unit Administrator): Soldier or civilian of a unit responsible for written communications, including memorandums, messages, reports, plans, forms, briefings, alert rosters, and miscellaneous correspondence.

  VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars): A congressionally chartered war veterans organization open to current members of the U.S. military or those who have received an honorable discharge.

  White Phase: The second three weeks of BCT, signified by a white guidon.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Although this book is a personal account of one individual, by no means could it have been accomplished without the willed efforts of so many selfless people.

  First and foremost, I would like to thank my family and extended family who continue to enthusiastically support my writing and accomplishments. An entire book has been written in honor of my wife, Heather, and her sacrifices; they have allowed me to continue pursuing my dreams. Thank you, Heather, for never giving up, for forgiving me when I couldn’t even begin to forgive myself, and for making me a better man. Thank you Mom and Dad, for your unparalleled belief in me since, well, birth. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without your unconditional love and insightful guidance to support me along the way.

  Thank you to my sister, Regan, for your understanding and for always looking up to me, even when you probably shouldn’t have.

  Secondly, to the people whom I’ve met along the road who have changed the very nature of that road: Thank you Maria Pollack and family for helping me develop my “therapy” into something more than just words on paper. Thank you to my agent, Jodie Rhodes, for your stroke of genius and to the HarperCollins team of editors, especially Phoebe Yeh and Greg Ferguson, for their expertise and for allowing me to share my generation’s story. Thank you to my coach, Jim Mc
Hugh, for seeing potential from the very first takedown. Thank you to my childhood teacher, Tammy Warren, for always challenging me to be more creative. And thank you to all the kids at GCC for being innocent.

  Finally, a special thank you to Andy Zeltwanger; your bravery, wisdom, and guidance saved us more times and in more ways than I’ll ever know. And to all the members of EQ platoon: I never will forget your tremendous sacrifices and courage in the face of an evil we couldn’t possibly understand. Thank you for your service and for the amazing impact you’ve had on my life.

  General George Patton once said, “Freedom has a taste, and for those who have fought for it the taste is so sweet, the protected will never know.” Thank you, James Conklin, and all soldiers past, present, and future who tasted freedom.

  About the Author

  RYAN SMITHSON joined the Army Reserve when he was seventeen and was deployed to Iraq at the age of nineteen as an Army engineer. He is still a reservist. He earned an AAS degree in criminal justice. Specialist Smithson doesn’t know if he’ll be sent back to Iraq or not. He currently works for the American Red Cross as a mobile unit assistant. Smithson lives in upstate New York with his wife.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Credits

  Cover photo courtesy of Ryan Smithson

  Jacket design by Jennifer Heuer

  Copyright

  GHOSTS OF WAR: The True Story of a 19-Year-Old GI. Copyright © 2009 by Ryan Smithson. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  Adobe Digital Edition March 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-185215-2

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1