Drama Queers! Read online

  Somehow, I managed to get him to admit that he thought he might be gay, too. So me and Lou took Jack out to this (gay) bar down on Woodward called Heaven. It’s a Total Dump, but we always had a good time.

  For a while things were fine. Jack and Lou finally started getting along. When he wasn’t spending all his time with Joey Palladino, the three of would take drives in Lou’s Escort out 1–94 to Algonac, listening to Echo & the Bunnymen. Or we’d go to Elias Brothers (Big Boy’s), and Jack would sit while me and Lou drank coffee and smoked. After sooo many years of thinking I was the only gay person alive, now I had two friends who were both like me.

  That’s about the time Jack got the letter.

  Dear Jack,

  I know you’re a fag.

  Love, Mom

  Okay, Dianne Paterno didn’t exactly go that far, but she did say she was pretty sure Jack was (quote-unquote) in love with Joey Palladino. She also said she’d support him no matter what, which was totally cool if you ask me. But Jack totally freaked out.

  Next thing I knew, no more gay Jack.

  That summer, we barely saw each other, between me getting a job at Big Boy’s and working every night, and Jack taking Driver’s Ed and spending every day with Betsy Sheffield who he decided he was now (quote-unquote) in love with ever since the whole scan-jul with Joey caused them to stop being friends.

  Not that she’s not nice, but Betsy can be a little stuck-up. I don’t know if it’s because she went to the other junior high, Beecher, and lives over in The Courts or what. Sometimes she gets this attitude like she thinks she’s better than everybody else, you know what I mean? It makes perfect sense that her and Jack would totally get along since he’s always acted this way, too. Did I mention that Betsy is Cheri Sheffield’s younger sister?

  She’s also a Senior and happens to be sitting across the Choir room from me in the alto section at this very moment. I don’t know if anybody’s told Betsy, but it’s the first week of October and she’s got on khaki shorts worn with a navy sweatshirt turned inside out, matching socks, and penny loafers. She’s always prided herself in being totally Preppie.

  Betsy is also a totally popular cheerleader. This is part of the reason I think Jack is friends with her in the first place. Ever since he dropped outta Band, Jack has been bound and determined to infiltrate the popular crowd. If you ask me, it’s totally lame. It’s not like he’s a loser or anything. Jack’s already friends with all the popular girls—it’s the guys who won’t give him the time of day.

  Once we returned to school in the fall of ’86, Lou became drum major. Being in Marching Band under her direction totally sucked! Let’s just say, we didn’t call her “Baby Hitler” for nothing. To make matters worse, Jack decided to ask out Diane Thompson, even though he knew Lou totally had a thing for her and it would totally piss Lou off. Sure enough, it worked, and soon after, Lou started telling everybody (including Diane Thompson) that Jack was a Total Fag.

  Even I thought this was true because it had been.

  At least for a while.

  I guess not anymore.

  Poor Brad…I totally got caught in the middle. Between Lou dragging me out to the bar with her every Friday night after the football games, and wanting to stay Best Friends with Jack who I hardly seen now that he worked as a bagger at Farmer Jack’s, I didn’t know what to do.

  I certainly wasn’t gonna lie about who I really am—certainly not to myself. Besides, it’s not like I went around advertising I’m a fag or anything. I just continued to act the way I always did.

  So Diane eventually dumped Jack, making Lou a happy camper, even though she wasn’t gonna get her carpet munched anytime in the near future, since no sooner than Diane and Jack broke up, guess who she started going with next?

  None other than the former love of Jack’s life: Joey Palladino.

  Speaking of…

  Back in the Choir room on “Top 25” day, I look over to see Diane hanging all over Joey while he’s trying to fill out his ballot. I can’t say I blame her. Like I said, he’s totally hot!

  You should see him…He’s like 6’ tall, dark hair, dark eyes, totally muscular. He lifts weights at least five times a week. He always dresses super sharp in Guess? jeans, pegged at the bottom, and penny loafers sans socks. Again, I’m a sucker for bare ankles! He also wears this totally cool navy pea coat, and looks just like a Dago Donny Osmond when he grins.

  “Who’s Jens Andersson?” I hear Joey ask.

  “Got me hanging,” Audrey replies from where she sits with the sopranos. The way she’s chewing her pencil calls to mind the expression oral fixation.

  Our Senior class president, Jamieleeann Mary Sue Good, fills us in. “He’s that new guy from Sweden.” Jamie should know—she’s friends with everybody.

  For the first time since the ’70s, Hillbilly High has not one, but two foreign exchange students. One of them is the aforementioned Jens Andersson. He’s something like 6’4” and totally blond, so he sticks out like a sore thumb.

  I met him briefly when we were both out smoking on Skid Row at the beginning of the school year. Standing there in his Varsity football jersey puffing on a Parliament, I remember him saying in his accented English, “All de kids are allowed to smoke in Sweden, ya!”

  Joey tells Jamie, “I think I’ll vote for him…He seems cool.”

  It’s a good thing Jack isn’t in Chorale to hear a comment like that.

  Ever since this whole “Top 25” thing started, he’s been up on his soapbox preaching to everybody how it’s nothing but a big popularity contest. How the people who end up getting picked are the ones who do nothing for our school and have no spirit. If that guy Jens gets elected after being at HPHS for all of a month, Jack is gonna be sooo pissed!

  “What about Maria Torres-Padilla?” I ask the girl sitting next to me, Tonya Tyler.

  “She’s the foreign exchange chick from Bolivia,” Tonya answers, bare footsies up on the chair in front of her, flats on the floor beside it.

  “Brazil,” Jamie Good announces, correcting her friend.

  “She’s kinda hot, isn’t she?” I hear Joey say, joining in on our conversation.

  “Hey!” Diane Thompson hisses. She hits him hard upon the massive shoulder.

  “Don’t worry,” Joey replies. “You’re hotter.” Then he puckers up and plants one on her.

  Personally, I always thought Joey’s gay.

  Not that he acts like a fag or anything. But the only explanation I could come up with for his sudden interest in Diane Thompson after she broke up with Jack stemmed from Joey wanting to get back at him…But why?

  This one time I came right out and asked Jack if him and Joey ever messed around back in 10th grade. He claimed they never did, which if you ask me, is totally lame on Jack’s part. If I had a friend who was half as hot as Joey Palladino and I suspected he might be the slightest bit faggy, I’d totally be all over him.

  Anyways!

  The next day we have an all-school assembly…

  I’m sitting with Audrey, Jamie Good, Tonya Tyler, and the rest of Chorale. I don’t know why, but we always have these gatherings during 4th hour. Since it immediately follows lunch, everybody’s supposed to report directly to the auditorium. For the most part, people take it as an opportunity to skip. Especially the ones who got Mrs. Carey for French.

  “Will the following Seniors please rise when I call their name?”

  Up on stage behind the podium stands our Senior class advisor, Mr. Verlander. The thing only comes up to his waist, the man’s so tall. He must be at least 6’2”. As per usual, he wears a permanent-press shirt with a throwback-to-the-’70s wide tie. The second he speaks, his two-pack-a-day voice makes me totally wish I stopped by Skid Row prior to coming here. Instead, I arrived early to grab a good seat.

  One by one, Mr. Verlander announces the “Top 25” for Homecoming ’87…

  “Stephanie Adams.”

  Co-captain of Vikettes, of course she made it. Stephanie is totall
y beautiful with long blond hair, green eyes, and legs for days.

  “Kimberly Aielli.”

  Another Vikette and Stephanie’s brown-eyed Best Friend.

  “Jens Andersson.”

  The Foreign Exchange student from Sweden.

  What the fuck?

  I look over to where Jack sits with Max in the center section of seats. They both got Consumer Ec this hour with some teacher I never had before, Mrs. Ireland. From the expression on Jack’s face, I can tell he’s pissed. Meanwhile, Jens doesn’t know what’s happening as he’s cheered on by his fellow Varsity football teammates to stand up.

  “Angela Andrews.”

  Yet another Vikette.

  I can’t believe she was Max’s first girlfriend back in 7th grade. I don’t know how he ever scored her. She was (and is) still totally hot.

  “Robert Berger.”

  No surprise there!

  As a Varsity football player, how could he lose?

  “Mitchell Bloodworth.”

  Another Varsity football player.

  “Derrick Brown.”

  And another.

  I wipe my sweaty palms on the front of my pants. With the announcement of each name, my heart pounds harder in my chest. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna die if mine’s not called…I’m a Band Fag and a Drama Queer, what can I expect?

  “Karla Carlson…Melody Carnes…Walter Cieslak.”

  Varsity cheerleader…Varsity cheerleader…Varsity wrestler.

  I hope I’m not too overdressed.

  Most of the football players got their jerseys on. Maybe I should have worn jeans like them? Here I am in brown slacks, a tan dress shirt, and matching cardigan I stole—I mean, borrowed—from Jack. The last thing I want is to look like I’m anticipating my name being called.

  Finishing up with the C’s, Mr. Verlander moves onto the D’s…

  “Natalie Davis.”

  Co-captain of girls’ Varsity basketball.

  “Kenneth Daw.”

  Co-captain of boys’ Varsity basketball.

  “Bradley Dayton.”

  Band Fag and Drama Que—

  Oh, my God…He fucking called my name!

  Audrey whacks me on the shoulder. Like a dork, I stand up, trying not to look too enthused, yet wanting to convey how honored I am to be recognized.

  Wanna know the totally stupid thing I do next?

  I wave.

  Not like a small see-somebody-in-the-hall sorta motion, but a grand Queen Elizabeth-out-on-the-palace-balcony-greeting-the-peons gesture.

  Audrey rolls her eyes.

  Thankfully Verlander moves on to the E’s and F’s…

  “Rochelle Findlay.”

  Told you so!

  “Thomas Fulton.”

  Varsity football and basketball co-captain.

  From what I heard, Tom’s also Betsy Sheffield’s date for the Homecoming Dance next Saturday night.

  Personally, I can’t stand the guy. Him and Max used to be all buddy-buddy when we were at Webster and early on at Webb. In fact, this one time in 7th grade, me and Max and Jack went over Tom’s house, and we called this phone-sex party line pretending we were girls. If I remember correctly, Tom did a pretty good job talking-the-talk to the guys on the other end…Hmmm?

  I’d be lying if I didn’t admit Tom’s a decent-looking guy. Now that he’s traded his horn-rims for contacts, started lifting weights, and dressing designer. Right now, he’s got on a heather lamb’s wool sweater over a white Polo shirt with button-down collar, and snug-fitting charcoal slacks. I see he’s also got a new haircut—sorta long and flippy in front, short around the sides and wedged in back. And of course, beautiful blue eyes, a totally perfect smile, square jaw and dimples…See why I hate him?

  Now for the G’s…

  “Stacy Gillespie.”

  Woo–hoo!

  Stacy is my very good friend from French III Independent Study. ’member the girl Mrs. Carey gave her teacher’s edition last year with all the answers? If I wasn’t a homo, I think I’d totally be in love with her. She’s sooo tiny and cute with her short dark hair and chestnut brown eyes. Not to mention she’s super stylish and super smart. Except I don’t think either one of us is gonna learn much taking French III as an Independent Study. Since Mrs. Carey’s not there to preside over us, most of the time we end up sitting around shooting the shit.

  By the time I finally spot Stacy amongst the student body, Verlander’s telling us to “Quiet down, people,” so he can move on to the next name…

  “Jonathan Glowicki.”

  Another Varsity football and basketball player.

  “Jamieleeann Mary Sue Good.”

  Like I said, Jamie is Senior class president. Not to mention Varsity cheerleading captain, secretary of National Honor Society, and don’t forget Chorale. She’s got a beautiful voice. Last year we did a duet at the spring concert, “Friends & Lovers,” by Gloria Loring and Carl Anderson—Liz Chandler-Curtis from Days of our Lives, and the original Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar.

  Jack doesn’t notice me watching him, but I can totally tell he’s sweating bullets waiting for Mr. Verlander to get to the P’s. He’s all dressed up in his navy blue slacks, matching cardigan over gray mock-turtleneck shirt. I know he’s expecting something to happen soon. For his sake, I hope his name gets called. I know how much Jack wants this.

  “Fay Keating.”

  The other co-captain of girls’ Varsity basketball.

  Very sporty and very popular, Fay’s another Freshman-year-transfer from St. Mary’s back at Webb. She’s a totally great girl, but her taste in guys hasn’t always been the best. I’ll never forget she went to the Carnation Dance with Guy Huckabee, this Total Jerk. When I stopped them on the dance floor to take a picture, Guy just gave me this look like, She’s with me, you fag!

  Whatever…

  I still have the photo. I just tore Guy outta it.

  “Pamela Klimaszewski.”

  You can bet Max is drooling all over himself when Pam (and her tits) stand up in the row right behind me. I look over my shoulder and give her a wink. I can’t help but notice she’s got her arms folded across her chest—to hide her rack, no doubt!

  Poor Pam…I totally love her. I just think she’s got a thing about her boobs. I guess maybe she’s sorta shy. I mean, she sings alto in Chorale, but I don’t think I ever heard her actually sing anything. Since I first met her in Mrs. Malloy’s Sophomore English, she’s always reminded me of a dishwater blond Molly Ringwald. Her boyfriend is this big cross-country champ, Stan Blume. He graduated from HPHS this past June, and is off at Michigan State on a scholarship.

  Next, the L’s, M’s, N’s and O’s…

  “Donald Olsewski.”

  Another Band Fag?

  Well, wonders never cease!

  Don plays drums and he also DJ’s at most of our school dances. I don’t know him too well, but he seems like a good guy. I’m pretty sure him and Jack were friends back at Longfellow. In fact, Don and his mom live right down the block from the Paternos on Shevlin in Hazel Park. He’s not bad looking, either. He reminds me of Christopher Reeves—I mean, Reeve—from Somewhere in Time. Only Don’s got shoulder-length hair and isn’t nearly as built as Superman.

  Now for the P’s…

  “Penelope Page.”

  I’ll never forget Penny. She’s the girl I smoked my first cigarette with. A Marlboro Red, back in the winter of 8th grade, in the Jehovah’s Witness parking lot. I felt like a bad ass!

  “Joseph Palladino.”

  Based on his looks alone, Joey’s gotta be a contender for Homecoming King. Except if he wins, Jack will just die.

  Speaking of…

  His name should be next.

  Fingers crossed!

  “Nathaniel Richelieu.”

  What the fuck?

  I mean, I’m happy for Nate—he’s got great hair and awesome ankles. But what happened to Jack Paterno? Mr. Verlander must’ve made a mistake and skipped a name. Or maybe t
he alphabetical got outta order?

  “Elizabeth Sheffield…Marie Sperling…Tonya Tyler.”

  Varsity cheerleader…Vikettes co-captain…Chorale.

  Finally, Mr. Verlander concludes with the U’s, V’s, W’s…

  No Class Clown, Audrey Wojczek?

  And the X’s, Y’s, and Z’s.

  Outta all my friends, I’m the only one to make “Top 25”?

  I can’t fucking believe it!

  And from the looks of it, neither can Jack.

  Across the auditorium, I see him slump down in his seat, looking like he’s gonna cry…

  So am I.

  What the fuck is wrong with the fucking people at this school?

  Jack Paterno is the smartest guy in our class. Not to mention he’s cuter than most of the so-called popular boys. Not that I think he’s cute—he’s like the brother I never had. But there’s no denying Jack is attractive.

  So what if he’s not hot, like Rob Berger or Joey Palladino?

  He’s still my Best Friend.

  Kiss Him Goodbye

  “He’ll never love you

  The way that I love you…”

  —Bananarama

  You are not gonna believe what happened.

  ‘member how I was supposed to go over Audrey’s house to help her and Tuesday Gunderson with their scene from Gamma Rays? Well, I did. As per usual, the three of us wound up talking more than we did working on anything. In fact, the girls ran thru the scene all of once, I gave them some notes, and they called it quits.

  “Who do you think’s cuter: Will Isaacs or Allen Bryan?” It never failed. All Tuesday Gunderson ever wants to do is talk about guys. Maybe because she’s never had a boyfriend a day in her life.

  “Definitely Allen Bryan,” Audrey answered from the kitchen, popping open a bottle of pop.

  Tuesday called out from the couch, “You think so?”

  “No question,” Aud replied. She poured Diet Dr Pepper into a plastic cup as she entered the room. “Will Isaacs is fat.” She handed the half-empty bottle to Tuesday, who took a swig.