All Cats Are Introverts Read online

  All Cats Are Introverts

  copyright © 2019 by Francesco Marciuliano. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

  Andrews McMeel Publishing

  a division of Andrews McMeel Universal

  1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

  www.andrewsmcmeel.com

  ISBN: 978-1-5248-5845-2

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2019933365

  Editor: Patty Rice

  Art Director: Diane Marsh

  Production Editor: Elizabeth A. Garcia

  Production Manager: Tamara Haus

  Digital Production: Kristen Minter

  Dedication photo by Stacey Bell

  Images © Getty Images

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  contents

  introduction

  chapter one: on one's own

  chapter two: one-on-one

  chapter three: one too many

  acknowledgments

  INTRODUCTION

  Do you so enjoy having the house to yourself that when your roommate returns you don’t greet them at the door but rather claim the couch while sitting on all three remotes?

  Do you get so wrapped up in your own head that it can be hours before you realize someone has been repeatedly calling your name, followed by the words “Stop eating the plants!”

  Do you so look for any excuse not to hang out at a party that you’ll run up and down the hallway nonstop with your head in a shopping bag and your ass covered with what visitors can only surmise was the cheese dip?

  The cats understand.

  You see, for years cats have been labeled “antisocial,” “judgmental,” or “clearly hiding in the pillowcase” simply because they don’t like large groups and need their own space. They’ve been called “unfriendly” because they won’t let everybody pet them, “uncooperative” because they work

  better on their own, and “uncommunicative” because they never share any juicy gossip.

  But the truth is cats are none of those things. They’re introverts, just like millions of warm, thoughtful, and surprisingly engaging people who will do anything to avoid small talk, even if it means wedging themselves behind a fridge or knocking over four lamps and a vase to divert attention.

  If you’re an introvert, then you’ll see yourself in these cats’ poems. If you’re an extrovert, then you’ll see that you and the cats can both wander around the house without pants. Either way, the cats have already walked off to recharge their energy, gather their thoughts, and wait to reappear when food arrives.

  chapter one

  on one’s own

  My time

  My time alone

  My time alone with thoughts

  Of my ass

  On your remote

  As you barge into room after room

  Screaming, “Where the @#$% is it?!”

  As I sit on what is now my couch

  Learning to value myself

  I think my left cheek just changed the channel

  lose myself

  When I lose myself in my work

  I forget myself for a while

  I stop overanalyzing my actions

  I stop undermining my skills

  I am present in the now

  I am eating someone’s birthday cake

  I am six hours early for the birthday party

  And sure, people will have their opinions

  And yes, people will pull me away by my hind legs

  My teeth and claws scraping across the frosting

  But I am finishing this birthday cake

  I may even eat the mini hot dogs next

  Because I am engaged in my work

  And so in this moment I am free

  lonely vs. alone

  The dog stares longingly

  At the front door

  The dog gazes hungrily

  For any sign of your return

  The dog thinks repeatedly

  “They’ve been gone three hours!”

  “Or 12 seconds!”

  “Or 16 days!”

  “Please hurry home soon!”

  As I stare intensely

  At the front door

  As I gaze thoughtfully

  At the entranceway

  As I think repeatedly

  “Wow, I could really do wonders with this foyer.”

  house all to myself!

  The house!

  The house!

  The house all to myself!

  For there is nothing so glorious

  There is nothing so grand

  Than that moment you discover

  You have the house all to yourself

  Yes

  It’s the abandoned house a block down from where I live

  Yes

  My person is bound to find me

  Yes

  I think that shadow’s crawling straight for me

  But yes

  Right now THIS is where my heart and soul reside

  Pack Mentality

  I don’t need an alpha

  To tell me which way to go

  I don’t need a pack

  To convince me my path is true

  I just need me, myself alone

  To encourage me to be on my way

  Across a balcony railing

  As you scramble for your apartment keys

  While screaming like a lunatic

  From eight stories below

  Bad at Keeping in Touch

  I’ve been away too much

  I’ve been in my head too deep

  I’ve been out of reach too long

  Hiding behind the fridge

  And so

  Some say I’m distant

  Some suspect I’m distracted

  Some believe I’m self-centered

  Thinking only of how

  I wedged myself behind the fridge

  But yet

  You are always on my mind

  You are forever in my heart

  You are sometimes in my field of vision

  Peering as I do

  Helplessly from behind the damn fridge

  However

  I know I need to make more of an effort

  I understand I need to keep in touch

  I realize I need to return your calls

  By screaming, “For the thousandth time,

  I’m stuck behind the @#$%ing fridge!”

  the rain

  Gray skies

  Ash clouds

  Silver lining

  As rain falls

  Excusing all

  Who wish to stay put

  Embracing all

  Who long to get close

  Enveloping all

  Who seek to get lost

  In reverie

  In dreams

  In the thought

  Of the dog losing his goddamn mind

  Every time it thunders

  With rain such contempla
tions grow

  Books

  I can lose myself

  In a novel

  I can be absorbed

  In a short story

  I can be immersed whole

  In adventure

  In history

  In romance

  And mystery

  I can see now

  That I’m stuck behind your bookcase

  time to think

  Wait

  Wait

  Wait

  Don’t push me to make a decision

  Don’t rush me to draw a conclusion

  Don’t expect me to blurt out

  The first thing that comes to mind

  Before I speak, I pause

  Before I move, I ponder

  Before I choose, I realize

  That making you keep the door wide open

  That whole time I thought “in or out?”

  Is why a raccoon just gave birth in your foyer

  Perfection

  I can wiggle my butt

  And never take my leap

  I can stare straight ahead

  And never make my approach

  I can wait for the ideal moment

  I can hope for the perfect chance

  I can HUCKA HUCKA

  HUCKA HUCKA HUCKA

  GAK!

  Or I can look right down

  At this big, messy hairball

  That took me five minutes to cough up

  And two minutes to soak through your mattress

  And realize accomplishment

  Is not the same as perfection

  As I breathe and gag easy once more

  my process

  From behind the sofa

  As you watch TV

  From behind the headboard

  As you sleep

  From behind your very back

  As you eat

  WHAP WHAP WHAP

  WHAP WHAP WHAP

  WHAP WHAP WHAP

  I slap my paw against your head

  Because I work best behind the scenes

  the little details

  The score on wood

  On the floor from some chair dragged

  The flaw on paint

  On the wall from some budding artist

  The hint of wire

  On the ceiling from a whole fan brought down

  Since I avoid the rush and racket

  That come from people all round

  I can notice the little details

  That make up the big picture

  That reveal the whole truth

  That you are raising a couple of hellions

  Who are out to destroy your world

  Missed Days

  Will I miss the days

  Not spent outside?

  Not spent with others?

  Not spent with you?

  Will I see such days

  As missed opportunities?

  As vanished chances?

  As lost time?

  Sometimes

  Another time

  Not this time

  For today I discovered

  I can stand on your flat-screen

  At least for three minutes before the wall mount gives way

  inner voice

  If I look distant

  If I look far away

  It’s because I have an inner voice

  That is always running

  That is always racing

  That can’t stop leaping

  From thought to memory to recalled slight

  And I am chasing it down

  Every half-forgotten hallway

  Carefully walking in the slim, high ledge

  Between what I said

  And what I wish I said instead

  Only to fall

  Fall

  Fall

  Into past regrets

  Into recent recriminations

  Into darkness

  Before I land on my four feet

  Before the sound of life snaps me back

  To find the beam of sun

  Has left my warm spot

  To see that company

  Has left for the day

  To see a small mouse

  Held by its tail in my paw

  Didn’t I catch you yesterday?

  It’s time to let some things go

  To Writing

  Silence

  Silence

  Silence

  For when it comes

  To speaking my mind

  I can’t offer anything but silence

  But then I’m at your laptop

  And then it’s

  ahdetcwdklc vov

  smdketff futfieyfnx

  ncuatskswyrss2jsl’

  xbyqtsw ddfeyfq

  cbyeth

  For when it comes

  To writing

  I can’t share my thoughts fast enough

  cbqetfwegyu

  that sound

  A sound

  Some sound

  What is sound?

  As a question

  Begets a thought

  Begets a fellow thought

  Begets a side thought

  Begets a contrary thought

  Begets an unrelated thought

  Begets an entire conversation

  As my head fills with wonder

  As my eyes stare at nothing

  Minute after minute after minute after—

  Until

  That sound

  I find is your sound

  Yelling something about how only pots should hang from there

  But my mind is too alive to hear

  elsewhere

  Soaring through the heavens

  Like a raptor on a thermal

  Running through the grasslands

  Like a leopard on its prey

  Leaping through the forests

  Like a capuchin on a tree

  My mind is always moving

  From daydream to daydream

  Never stopping to hear

  What you just named me

  Or who you said you were again

  All I Need

  A book

  A snack

  A remote

  Some tea

  Are all on the floor

  Now that I sprawled out on the coffee table

  Since all I need is me

  Stress

  This too shall pass

  This too shall pass

  I must keep telling myself

  This too shall pass

  Don’t make it

  Bigger than it is

  Don’t think it

  As all that there is

  Don’t take it

  For a personal fault

  It is only now

  It is only this moment

  And moments are not eternity

  So I hear myself repeating

  This too shall pass

  Of course

  That may just be the echo

  Of getting my head stuck inside this jar

  But this will truly pass

  Sometimes the Quiet

  Sometimes

  The quiet can make an unpleasant sound

  Sometimes

  The solitude can make a space feel too large

  Sometimes

  I need a companion

  I crave a connection

  I jump on your lap

  But sometimes

  Y
ou eat breakfast half-naked

  Who eats breakfast without any pants?

  And so at some time

  You’re going to have to stop running

  Screaming and screaming

  So I can pull my nails from your nether regions

  And we can try this another time instead

  taking care of me

  I need some “me time”

  So now you can walk across your own laptop keyboard

  Instead of waiting for me to fix your thesis with “tshc89025bd”

  I need some breathe time

  So now you can shove your own hand in your merlot

  As your date tries to remove your ass off her meal

  I need some alone time

  So now you can knock your own damn keys under the sofa

  Along with your wallet, phone, and EpiPen

  I need you to know

  I’m not being selfish

  I’m just listening to my body

  I’m just doing right by my mind

  I’m just saying it’s time you learned

  To push your own three gallons of homemade pasta sauce on the floor

  Like I just showed you

  chapter Two

  One-on-One

  I find my greatest joy

  With just you

  No unexpected guests

  No surprise crowds

  No one else

  Not even me

  Because I also find my greatest joy

  With just being alone

  So save this lap

  For when I return in three weeks

  One Great Friend

  I don’t need to be

  The life of the party

  I don’t have to be

  The center of it all

  I don’t want to be

  Sought out by everybody

  I just hope to find

  That one great friend

  Who shares my same passions

  That one great friend

  Who strives for the same goals

  That one great friend

  Who enjoys my same interests

  That one great friend

  Who also really likes

  To lick themselves down there

  And now I just made it weird