Ha–Ha Holiday Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone Read online

  Six peeping chicks cheeping cheerily

  * * *

  DID YOU KNOW?

  You are part of a group of people. You share a common background. That means you are part of an ethnic group.

  Not everyone believes in Easter. Not everyone keeps Passover. They are religious holidays. Whether or not you keep them depends on your faith.

  IT'S TRUE.

  * * *

  FUN FACTS

  The youngest at the table has a big job at Passover. He asks the Four Questions. Why is this night different from all other nights? The adults answer. They tell the story of the holiday. But they cannot finish without the hidden matzo or flatbread. It is called the afikomen. The child who finds it gets a prize.

  IT'S TRUE.

  6

  Patriotic Holidays

  * * *

  What do patriotic monkeys wave on Flag Day?

  Star-Spangled Bananas

  * * *

  What kind of tea did the American colonists want most?

  Liberty!

  * * *

  Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?

  At the chopping mall

  * * *

  What did one flag say to the other flag?

  Nothing. It just waved!

  * * *

  Proud police patrolled the patriotic parade.

  * * *

  Starred and striped soldiers strutted down the street.

  * * *

  At the start, to our feet we all sprang.

  The Star Spangled Banner we sang.

  As we looked to the sky,

  There arose a great cry,

  And the fireworks began with a bang!

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  D 1.

  D 1 who?

  D 1 who wants to wish you a Happy Fourth!

  * * *

  Independence Day brings celebration,

  Hopefully you'll get the invitation.

  Fireworks galore

  Now guess what's in store?

  Cheering throughout the whole nation!

  * * *

  This coat comes in red, white, and blue but without buttons or zippers. How can that be?

  It's a coat of paint.

  * * *

  What can you add to a cup of lemonade to make the drink disappear at a Fourth of July barbecue?

  Holes

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Dozen.

  Dozen who?

  Dozen anyone want to see the fireworks?

  * * *

  What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

  Yankee Poodle!

  * * *

  DID YOU KNOW?

  Are you patriotic? That means you love your country. In this case, it's the USA!

  IT'S TRUE.

  * * *

  FUN FACTS

  Check this out. More than 66 million people cook out for the Fourth!

  IT'S TRUE.

  7

  Halloween

  * * *

  What is in a ghost's nose?

  BOOgers!

  * * *

  What do birds say on Halloween?

  Trick-or-tweet!

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Ivan.

  Ivan who?

  Ivan to bite your neck!

  * * *

  What's orange on the inside and clear on the outside?

  A pumpkin in a plastic bag!

  * * *

  Horribly hoarse hoot owls hoot howls of horror in Halloween haunted houses.

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Bean.

  Bean, who?

  Bean out trickor-treating yet?

  * * *

  Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

  Because he didn't have the guts!

  * * *

  The finest achievement of man

  Is candy, in bag, box, or can.

  It's food just for joy,

  A flavorful toy,

  And dentists' retirement plan.

  * * *

  Transylvanian Tree Trimmers are trained to trim the tallest Transylvanian trees.

  * * *

  What is a mummy's favorite type of music?

  Wrap

  * * *

  Though it's called "candy corn," I'm suspicious

  Of this Halloween treat. It's delicious,

  But as sure as you're born,

  Though the name contains corn,

  I suspect that it's not that nutritious.

  * * *

  If two witches would watch two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

  * * *

  What do you call a little monster's parents?

  Mummy and Deady

  * * *

  FUN FACTS

  Trick or treat! Halloween is big business! Each year, people spend about $2 billion just on candy. It is the largest candy-buying holiday. It is bigger than Christmas. It is bigger than Easter. It is even bigger than Valentine's Day! It is not just loved by kids. Most parents say that they sneak a treat from their kids' bags.

  IT'S TRUE.

  8

  Thanksgiving

  * * *

  What sound does a turkey's phone make?

  Wing, wing

  * * *

  What's the key to a great Thanksgiving?

  A tur-key, of course!

  * * *

  Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?

  Yes–a building can't jump at all!

  * * *

  On Thanksgiving, there's plenty to do

  Make the turkey, the side dishes, too.

  When the family gathers round,

  The very best sound

  Is a happy Thanksgiving to you!

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Clarence!

  Clarence who?

  Clarence sale! It's Black Friday!

  * * *

  What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

  Plymouth Rock

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Arthur.

  Arthur who?

  Arthur any leftovers?

  * * *

  Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

  The outside

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Bacon.

  Bacon, who?

  Bacon a pumpkin pie–how about you?

  * * *

  Greedy gobblers grabbed the gravy.

  * * *

  What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

  Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

  * * *

  Peter Pilgrim picked a peck of pretty plump pumpkins.

  * * *

  There once was a turkey named Ben

  Who lived in the farmer's large pen.

  Though Thanksgiving was here,

  Ben the turkey did not fear.

  The farmer was a vegetarian–Amen!

  * * *

  DID YOU KNOW?

  A national holiday is celebrated by everyone in the country. You are off from work and school. Thanksgiving is a national holiday. Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is not–but many people do like to shop!

  IT'S TRUE.

  * * *

  FUN FACTS

  Thanksgiving is not just for Americans. Canadians have it too. But they celebrate it on a different day. In Canada, it is on the second Monday in October.

  IT'S TRUE.

  9

  Hanukkah and Kwanzaa

  * * *

  What did one candle say to the other candle?

  Let's go out tonight!

  * * *

  Harmonic Veronica tried the Chanukah harmonica.
r />   * * *

  What did the wrapping paper say to the present?

  I've got you covered!

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Abby.

  Abby who?

  Abby Hanukkah to you!

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Mayer.

  Mayer who?

  Mayer Kwanzaa be filled with peace and unity!

  * * *

  The holiday of Kwanzaa is here.

  Its principles–all seven–are clear.

  We work on unity, self-determination

  Creativity, faith, cooperation

  And more for the upcoming year.

  * * *

  I'm one more than half a dozen. Four less than eleven. I'm the number of Kwanzaa principles. My number is ______?

  Seven

  * * *

  I'm shiny and hard. It's not easy to win. But on Chanukah, I love to take a spin. What am I?

  A dreidel

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Juno.

  Juno who?

  Juno what time it is? Time to light the candles!

  * * *

  Continue kinship by keeping Kwanzaa.

  * * *

  Patty patiently prepared potato pancakes.

  * * *

  The dreidel I made out of clay

  Is ready for everyone to play.

  It spins all around,

  Without much of a sound.

  Will it be Gimmel, Nun, Shin, or Hay?

  * * *

  What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?

  A Hanukkah pheasant!

  * * *

  What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle, a green one, or a black one?

  None. A candle always burns shorter!

  * * *

  How many people does it take to change a lightbulb at a Kwanzaa celebration?

  None, there are candles not lightbulbs!

  * * *

  FUN FACTS

  When is Hanukkah? That is a good question! It might be in November. It could be in December. It could even be in January. It does not follow the regular calendar. Hanukkah follows the Jewish calendar. It is based on the moon. The holiday begins four days before the new moon. This is a dark time. Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights, brings light.

  IT'S TRUE.

  * * *

  FUN FACTS

  Do you know about Kwanzaa? It is based on an African harvest festival. Its name means "fresh fruits." Kwanzaa started in 1966. Today, it is known all over the world. The holiday lasts for seven days. It begins on December 26. It ends on January 1. Each day, candles are lit.

  IT'S TRUE.

  10

  Christmas

  * * *

  What do monkeys sing at Christmas?

  Jungle bells, Jungle bells.

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Mary.

  Mary who?

  Mary Christmas!

  * * *

  The sleigh had broke down in the wet,

  And Santa was starting to fret.

  Then Rudolph said, "Man,

  I've a neat, cunning plan,

  Involving a hot jumbo jet!"

  * * *

  Knock, Knock!

  Who's there?

  Donut.

  Donut who?

  Donut open till Christmas!

  * * *

  Pretty packages perfectly packed in paper.

  * * *

  Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?

  Rude-olph!

  * * *

  What is the Christmas message in these letters? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

  No L (Noel)

  * * *

  What did Santa say when his sled went backwards?

  "Oh! oh! oh!"

  * * *

  What do you get when you cross a Christmas carol with a dozen flowers?

  The 12 Daisies of Christmas

  * * *

  Comet cuddles cute Christmas kittens carefully.

  * * *

  What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

  Snowflakes!

  * * *

  A blizzard blew in Christmas Eve,

  And just as St. Nick went to leave,

  "That's great," Santa said,

  "I'm off back to bed,

  I can sleep late, I do believe!"

  * * *

  FUN FACTS

  Who has a very shiny nose? It's Rudolph! The reindeer came to life because of Robert L. May. He wrote the story. It was part of his job at Montgomery Ward. The store wanted a Christmas story they could give to their customers. Robert tested it on his four-year-old daughter. She loved it!

  IT'S TRUE.

  * * *

  Try This Fun(ny) Project!

  Now that you know a lot of new jokes, you can use them for more than laughs. Here is how to make your own funny cards.

  WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

  this book

  construction paper

  markers and a pen

  glitter, ribbon, and other decorations (optional)

  INSTRUCTIONS:

  Choose a joke from the book. You might pick one for the holiday coming up.

  Fold a piece of construction paper in half.

  On the front of the paper, write the first part of the joke. Leave plenty of space for a picture.

  Open the card. Write the answer to the joke on the inside. Leave space for more pictures and your name.

  Now add your funny picture. You can decorate with glitter or ribbon if you like.

  Write a happy holiday greeting and sign your name.

  Your card is ready! Give it to someone who loves to laugh.

  Read More

  Books

  Barbour Publishing. Super Clean Jokes for Kids. Uhrichsville, Ohio: Barbour Publishing, 2009.

  Elliott, Rob. Laugh Out Loud Jokes for Kids. Ada, Mich.: Baker Publishing Group, Revell, 2010.

  Phillips, Bob. Good Clean Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids. Eugene, Oreg.: Harvest House Publishers, 2007.

  Weitzman, Ilana, Eva Blank, Rosanne Green, and Alison Benjamin. Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever. New York: Workman Publishing Company, 2006.

  Internet Addresses

  Jokes for Kids

  http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/kids_jokes.htm

  NIEHS Kids' Pages: Jokes, Humor, and Trivia

  http://kids.niehs.nih.gov/jokes.htm

  Index

  A

  Ada tree, 19

  afikomen, 23

  Arbor Day, 16–19

  Australia, 19

  B

  Babylon, 7

  Black Friday, 33

  C

  California, 19

  Canada, 35

  Christmas, 42–45

  clover, 15

  Cupid, 10

  customs, 13

  E

  Earth Day, 16–19

  Easter, 20–23

  F

  Festival of Lights, 39

  H

  Halloween, 28–31

  Hanukkah, 37–41

  J

  Jewish calendar, 39

  joke, 5

  K

  Kwanzaa, 37–41

  L

  limerick, 9