Paper Dolls [Book Two] Read online

  See, the world hasn’t exactly changed enough.

  Mr. Lockhart could treat Avery any sort of way and never see punishment for his errors. And that is what he's been doing but things could be worse.

  That thought alone made me hover and wait. The car still smelled like she was inside of it. All the mixed scents of hers filled me up; the lotion she liked, the shampoo she used, the chlorine that never seemed to fully leave her skin or fade. I closed my eyes, sat back in my chair, and waited.

  After a few restful seconds I cracked my window, just in case. Maybe, if they were loud, I could hear them.

  Maybe if Avery screamed I'd go in.

  I didn’t like thinking it. I couldn’t exactly stop myself from thinking it either. Better safe than sorry. Leaving her all alone would certainly be worse.

  I know that she’s strong. That doesn’t mean she should choose to fight things all alone. Not anymore. I wouldn’t have it.

  I sat for a second, completely still, trying hard not to breathe any louder than my mind could think.

  Then I felt my phone buzz and I knew it must be her.

  Avery: If you don’t leave I’ll come back out there.

  I smiled out through a slightly pained laugh. It was supposed to be a threat, but, more than anything it came off sweet. I instantly wished I could rush inside and tackle her.

  Of course she wouldn’t allow me to be witness.

  I cursed myself for crying so much. I’d never cried this much in my life. So stupid.

  I probably made things a lot worse for her than they needed to be.

  I felt guilt.

  Olivia: Sorry…

  Getting myself together shouldn’t be this hard. I threw my phone down on the seat and turned the car on, forcing myself to let go of it all and drive away.

  We were back now. I had no say. Things had to be different.

  I tried not to let that thought bog me down.

  Positive.

  I had to think positive.

  Thinking positive was never my forte. I’m a realist.

  Crushing doom. That’s my default setting. Don’t want anything too much. Don’t invest all your gold in one bank. Keep trying and pretend you don’t care.

  I thought of the axiom Sod’s Law which has always rightly expanded on Murphy’s Law. In my life I’ve somehow accidentally prescribed to this always precarious mode of thought. Possibly because of things that’ve happened in my past, times when I’ve worked hard and been kicked hard because of it. Like with music, I guess. I obsess. I throw my whole self in. And then my parents see that and change their mind about me, change their mind about what they want me to be, who they wish I really was.

  Anyway, Sod’s Law is simple:

  If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong. Hope for the best, expect the worst.

  That was definitely the way I lived my life before Avery.

  I’ve always felt lucky in a broader sense though. Lucky to have things other children didn’t have. To have parents that forced me to learn. To have privileges, and choices, even if they were all sort of tailored and strained. Even if they caused stress and put me in awkward places where I couldn’t even get along with the people my own age, they were still privileges, still gifts. All of that seems lovely and secondary.

  I never wanted certain things but certain things were in fact given.

  When it comes to what I want, I know I’ve always sort of had to push things back. All my wants have been taboo, again, secondary. Avery is a shining example of this patterned truth of mine. The one thing I want is most likely something my parents wouldn’t necessarily want for me. I really want to break free and allow myself this pleasure.

  It’s hard for me to want things. Hard to try so hard for things I actually need.

  I’ve never needed anything before. Not for myself anyway.

  I needed to be smart for my parents. That was never my choice.

  I worked hard and refused to give window for error. But that was for things I didn’t need, things I maybe thought I wanted but never much cared for as more than a fine distraction to keep my pangs at bay.

  Love can’t be like that.

  Loving Avery has been an exercise in hope, not despair, not disaster.

  I can’t lean on Sod’s Law or Murphy’s Law. I can’t tell myself all the bad that could happen in an effort to brace myself and prepare. Not this time.

  Right now Finagle’s law wants to bite at me.

  Anything that can go wrong will- at the worst possible moment.

  I can’t think these things. I can’t let them in, it’s too dangerous.

  I need to have hope. I need to believe that we can get out of the rubble, crawl out from the debris and survive together.

  As I thought these things, I began to smile and cheer up enough to know this wasn’t the end of the world. These laws had already been nullified by Avery stepping foot in my path. These laws could not apply to us. Not this time.

  I wiped my tears on my arm and reminded myself of the week we had, all the surreal moments, our long lovely days, and finally I remembered the ring.

  She said yes.

  My chest filled with satisfaction and it burned.

  It wasn’t a dream.

  Given everything, I still felt astoundingly lucky.

  No matter where we were, or what would happen, I was hers and she was mine.

  She broke all the laws, upended all the rational thought, and became a part of me by nature, like fusion, like it was always meant to be, like those Greek legends with the Gods and the lightning bolts.

  With us it isn’t principals, it’s mythic; a runaway fantasy come to life, a waking dream, an ascension of sorts. We’re no longer alone on the solid flat plane of this hard trodden soil. We have elevation, a cushion to our fall, we have each other. Things have changed.

  Chapter Three

  Avery

  Avery: This sucks. I'm just waiting around. Text me when you get home.

  I was sitting on my bed, thinking about everything we could be doing together right now. Instead of being with her though I was waiting around for dinner.

  Olivia: Are you waiting to talk to him? That’s horrible…

  Avery: Yeah, he's outside screwing around with his boat. Running through how I'm gonnatell him...??

  I collapsed back on my bed, setting my phone on my chest. A normal person would have asked about their Mom. Olivia was there and Dad just threw me off whenever he was around.

  Mom was off in some place that probably smelled like disinfectant and had the 12 steps plastered everywhere. A person didn't just stop worrying about someone they loved because it was hard.

  If she got through this I would do my best to support her. If she went back to how she was before I wasn’t sure if any of us could really survive it as a family. If my dad was home for good, things would really change.

  Olivia: My house is empty. I wish you were here…

  Olivia: P.S. You don’t have to tell him Avery. We can keep it a secret for a while. I know I’m in no rush to tell my parents. And that has nothing to do with the ferocity with which I do love and crave you. Right now it’s just smarter not to say anything if I still want to see you while we’re in school.

  Avery: Oh, okay. Maybe I won’t tell him that we’re engaged but I am going to tell him that we’re together at least. I wish I was there too but I will be later.

  “Ugh.” I let my head fall back onto the bed and set my phone back on my chest. Complicated interpersonal stuff wasn’t my strong suit. I’d been taught by the worst and now I was trying to keep a really intense relationship going successfully. There was no rule book for this.

  After awhile I started drifting in and out. I didn’t mean to sleep but I really was tired after the trip. I just passed out. Even the vibrations of my phone didn’t wake me. They usually would. That’s why I’d put it on my chest. I don’t even know how long I was asleep.

  When I woke, my body was being shaken. Groggy remnants of the dr
eam I was having clung like leeches to my mind. It was terrifying. A horror movie in my mind, and I desperately wanted to wake up.

  “Avery!”

  It was my Dad. “Hey,” I looked around. The room was darker. The sun must be setting. “What’s the matter?” I propped myself up on an elbow, trying to shake off a sense of dread.

  “Dinner,” he said.

  I didn’t even have time to reply before he was gone. It was a call to get myself together. My phone slid off my chest and onto the bed. “Oh, shit!” I picked it up and checked my messages.

  Olivia: It’s so nice to finally be able to play...

  Olivia: Piano. I meant piano. My parents never let me play. We have this beautiful room just for music and they hate when I’m inside it. Always pick at me...

  Olivia: Are you mad at me? Did I do something?

  Olivia: Avery?

  Olivia: Okay… It’s been over an hour. I’m kinda scared... Please don’t ignore me. You know I can’t take it.

  I texted back, fingers flying across the screen. I even considered just calling her but I didn’t know if she could answer. This would be faster anyway since I was almost done.

  Avery: I am SO SORRY! I fell asleep. I didn’t even wake up till Dad came to get me for dinner. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I feel like a dick. I love you.

  I got up, shoving myself off the bed and I checked the mirror to make sure I was at least somewhat presentable. Checking my phone at the table might not go over well but I wouldn’t leave it in my room when I’d scared Olivia like that.

  The formal dining room was set for two. Not anything fancy. We didn’t own fancy things. There were two plates filled with spaghetti, bread, and grated cheese on top. It looked good, better than the frozen meal I usually had. When we were younger I remember Dad cooking all the time. He liked it and he was good at it.

  Then when he was away Mom would cook and it wasn’t as good. She tried but she didn’t have a touch for it. We ate a lot of take out before…. I was always thinking about that time BEFORE. The contrast was so different that it made sense to continuously divide my life into two phases even if it was destructive. There was Before Adam and After Adam, BA and AA. Except now I had a third phase; Enter Olivia.

  “Thanks,” I said, sitting down.

  “Of course,” he answered and picked up his fork. He didn't say any more but I knew it was coming. The tense silence was starting to get to me but I kept trying to eat. The food tasted good but it just slid through my consciousness. I didn’t enjoy it. I just ate it.

  “Avery.” He put his fork down again and cleared his throat, placing both hands on the table. “Are you in a relationship with that young woman you introduced to me today?”

  We were starting with the easy stuff. Obviously. “How’s Mom?” I asked.

  His face tensed into a stern mask of disapproval. It was the same one I vaguely remembered from every time I’d been in trouble.

  “Your mother is fine. I dropped her off at the facility two days ago and she’s called twice to tell me that she’s doing okay. She asked to have you talk to her when she calls tomorrow.”

  Mom was okay. Olivia had taken over my brain. I’d only thought of Mom off and on. I didn’t want to because I knew she was detoxing. Pain, that’s what she would be feeling. I wanted to feel good and enjoy new love. It was logical, really, but that didn’t always mean I was right to avoid the thoughts.

  “I should have asked to call her sooner.” I looked over. He was still wearing the same look from a few seconds ago.

  “Yes, you should have,” he scolded.

  He was trying to be a parent again. Fire lit me up. “I guess I’m a crappy daughter,” I said. My voice was as calm as his but just as pointed. “And yes I’m in a relationship with Olivia. I’m in love with her.”

  “You’re too young to know what that even is,” he argued. “And confused, obviously.”

  “It’s not even your business!” I shoved my plate away and shook my head, looking away.

  He smacked the table and everything shook. The salt shaker toppled over and rolled away, spilling salt in a line.

  “I am your father!”

  I could have said it with him. It was that predictable. I wouldn’t back down. It wasn’t even about his authority.

  “Would you be saying this if Olivia was a boy?”

  “That’s not the point,” he started. “You are my daughter and I am responsible for making sure that you’re on the right path.”

  I was shaking. My entire body was going to burst. A thousand things went through my head. All the words I could throw back at him just came out in a jumble so that I was just starting five sentences at once.

  “Da-how-you-ev-FU-”

  Everything closed in on me. His expectations, the gall that he had to tell me he was making sure I was on the right path.

  “You never would have said anything like that to Adam! And he was the one who was drinking and partying and acting like an idiot. But no, because I fell in love with a FEMALE I’m not on the right path. Even though I’m about to graduate with a scholarship! I got accepted to Stanford but I can’t go because I don’t have money. This is bullshit!”

  “You could have told me about Stanford.”

  That was all he got out of what I just said. I shook my head.

  “Like you care.”

  “Avery, I’m trying to be very patient with you right now, but if you continue to speak to me like this,” he ground out.

  “You’ll what?! Hit me? Ground me? You’re barely my dad so why would it even matter?”

  “Go to your room!”

  “Fuck you! I’m not going anywhere you tell me.”

  It was a rush. Getting out some of the things that had bothered me for years felt like I’d taken speed. I didn’t even look back, just stood up and ran for the door, grabbing my car keys off the hook by the door where I kept them.

  I drove. I don’t know where or how long but eventually I calmed down enough to text her.

  Avery: It didn’t go well. I left.

  Chapter Four

  Olivia

  At home things were more than boring. They were hauntingly plain, predictable in every minute way.

  Everything was as I had left it. No parents home to ask me about my trip. No lights on to welcome me in. There was nothing even close to resembling change, other than that sharp pain in my chest that kept warning me that things might not be fine and I might not have my dream after all.

  I walked to the music room. In the dark it was so quiet but almost surreal.

  This was my space, only mine.

  Why did they even have it?

  Why did they even keep it if they weren’t going to like me in here on my own?

  I dropped my things and sat down on the bench.

  The cover to the piano didn’t have dust but I knew that was all a facade my parents kept up to make other people think they were raising a well-rounded young daughter who had many choices and could choose her own path.

  Carefully, almost scared to let myself go, I lifted the guard off the keys and set it all the way up.

  In the silence, in the darker room, with the tempered natural light pouring in, my own breath hitched and the sound frightened me.

  How stupid to be fearful to play…

  I set my fingers down in perfect place and let go.

  Avery’s tune. It was the first to come forth.

  My eyes closed in the feeling of relief as I ran with her back through my memories of all our times.

  The music breathed life in me. The only thing that could be better would be to have Avery here by my side.

  Once I finished, I moved my hand off the keys and scoffed out a small laugh.

  No one came for me. No one yelled my name or appeared to critique my performance without being asked.

  I hadn’t done anything worth disapproval.

  I’d just played, that’s all. I just played.

  I picked my phone from my pocke
t and sent Avery a few texts.

  She sent one back but that was all.

  I turned back to the piano and let myself go. Only stopping here or there to check on Avery and send her a text. After about an hour of radio silence, on her end, I got a little scared.

  It was getting late. Wherever my parents were they’d probably be home soon.

  With Avery in mind I went up to my room and put away all my things from the trip. I needed to distract myself from all the random distance.

  I found a thick cloth dress in one of my drawers and put it on. I’d completely forgotten I had purchased it but seeing it again made me smile. It was short and comfortable, more of a cover-up than an actual dress.

  I couldn’t relax but I tried anyway, lying back on my bed. I was just waiting for any little sign.

  Finally, Avery text back.

  She said she was okay.

  I was skeptical but happy.

  My smile grew just a bit, tugging at the sides of my lips and twitching.

  Maybe it would all be alright.

  I heard the door downstairs and then the garage.

  “Olivia?”

  It was my mother.

  “Olivia, come down here please.”

  If she was coming through the front door it would mean we had guests.

  With a sigh of discontent, I got up and made my way down the stairs.

  My hand touched the railing as I walked down to meet my maker.

  As predicted, she was not alone.

  “Olivia, sweetie, we have company,” my mother said.

  There was a boy with her, around my age, and two people I did not know.

  My one hand was on my stomach. I had to try hard not to clench my fingers into a fist.

  “Oh,” I said awkwardly.

  Sometimes she would do this. Sometimes she would invite people over and I’d have to just pretend to feel normal and show myself off.

  “Umm, hi,” I said, walking down. I didn’t feel dressed up enough but they’d already seen me. I’d thrown a dress on but it was short and definitely something I meant to be comfortable in, not show myself off in. I wasn’t even wearing a bra. My eyes traveled to the boy. This was so embarrassing. I thought for sure my Mom would warn me if she was bringing people over. But then she rarely did. I was just expected to be ready. Always ready. That was, after all, the sign of a healthy and well adjusted person.