Short and Tall Read online

  Mrs Hyden-Good shouted loudly, “FRED! FREDDIE – Come here!”

  Little Fred Hyden-Good came running in from the garden, all covered in mud as usual – he had been playing ‘monsters and aliens’

  “Just look at you!” Mrs Hyden-Good said. “Go and get washed at once. I want you to visit Granny.”

  Little Fred Hyden-Good rushed to the bathroom. He really didn't mind visiting his granny (Grinny, he called her, because that's how she looked when she didn't have her teeth in). Grinny was usually good for a lump of chocolate cake, bread pudding, or home-made fudge, and she said funny things – because she was hard-of-hearing – she always heard you wrong. Little Fred Hyden-Good enjoyed visiting his granny. He thought she was a great laugh.

  In the bathroom, little Fred Hyden-Good made an enormous snowman in the hand-basin with his dad's squirty shaving foam; then he ker-powed it with Mum's best perfume spray. The snowman made a wonderful sizzling sound as it disintegrated and subsided into the plughole. Little Fred Hyden-Good used some of this slushy pile to daub over his hands and face – it was better not to waste it; then he rinsed the rest down, and rubbed his face with the towel, making some large black splodges. There were still some blobs of shaving foam in his hair. He combed these in – they would help to keep his hair tidy.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good emerged from the bathroom looking a perfect picture of scrubbed and dubness.

  “Good boy, Freddie,” Mrs Hyden-Good said. “Now I want you to take this basket of food to Granny. She isn't feeling well this week, so she hasn't been able to do her own shopping. Go straight there and come straight back, and mind you don't speak to any strangers.”

  “Yes, Mum.” Little Fred Hyden-Good picked up the basket. This contained eggs, butter, sugar, flour, and currants – all the things Grinny needed to make her lovely cakes. He set off happily. The shortcut to Grinny's house was a walk through the woods, and little Fred Hyden-Good loved the woods...

  The said woods were all gold and brown as it was autumn time. Little Fred Hyden-Good hummed a happy tune as he walked. He saw lots of bramble bushes, and decided that Grinny might like some blackberries as well – then she could make jam, and blackberry pie – she might even give him a pie to take home. Mummy didn't make many things as nice as Grinny did – she was always too busy.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good put his basket down and began to pick blackberries. He pretended to be an astronaut on an alien world, collecting food samples for his starving crew. All the gaps in the basket began to fill.

  After a bit, little Fred Hyden-Good heard a really strange noise. He just couldn't think what it could be. It went sort of, “Aaaaroooo, aaaaroooo!” in a really sad and dismal way. Little Fred Hyden-Good felt a bit scared. Perhaps there was a ghost in the woods. He picked up his basket and tiptoed towards the place where the sound seemed to be coming from.

  There, in a clearing, was the funniest looking creature – like a big brown hairy dog with its fur all spiky and matted, and huge great paws as big as dinner plates. Its long nose was pointed up at the sky, and it was howling its head off, “Aaaaroooo! Aaaaroooo!” while big tears rolled down its face and splashed onto the ground.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good was amazed, but not scared any more. He was fond of animals and didn't like to see one so upset. He stepped forward boldly. “HELLO!” he shouted above the awful racket. “Who are you and what is the matter?”

  The funny creature stopped howling and turned to look at Fred Hyden-Good with great big yellow eyes that were just like lemon slices. “I am the Big Sad Worf,” it said, “and I am howling because nobody likes me and I haven't got any friends.”

  “Oh dear,” said Fred Hyden-Good, “that's really very sad. I'd like to stop and play with you for a while, but I'd really better not – I'm already late for visiting my grin-granny.”

  The Big Sad Worf pricked up his drooping ears, and a long red tongue appeared to lick his furry chops. “Where does your granny live?” he asked.

  “Just on the other side of this wood,” Fred Hyden-Good told him, “in a little cottage covered in roses.”

  The Big Sad Worf shook himself, and began to comb his spiky fur with long black claws. “I'm sorry you have to rush off,” he said, “but I might see you later...”

  Then he vanished – right in front of little Fred's eyes. One moment he was there – the next he was gone. Only a swirl of dusty leaves were dancing around in the place where the Big Sad Worf had been.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good blinked his eyes. How very strange. Perhaps he had only daydreamed the funny creature. Mummy always said he had too much imagination. He carried on walking towards Grinny's house. Now he was a fearless explorer boldly going forth...

  The Big Sad Worf had stopped crying. The truth was, he didn't feel the least bit lonely, but he was hungry – he hadn't absorbed any humans for ages. That's what the Big Sad Worf did; he absorbed people and used up their energy. He was an alien creature, and that was the only way he could stop feeling sad and hungry. The Big Sad Worf grinned to himself as he galloped through the woods. He was going straight to Granny's cottage.

  Granny Hyden-Good was dozing in her bed, wearing her nightie and frilly cap, and her glasses had slipped down to the end of her nose. These completely fell off when she was startled awake by a loud knock at the door. Rat-tat-TAT!

  “Who is it?” asked Granny in a quavery voice.

  The Big Sad Worf knew exactly how to make his voice sound like little Fred Hyden-Good's, but he suddenly realised he'd forgotten to ask the little boy's name. “It's me,” he said hopefully.

  “Don't know anyone called Lee,” said Granny.

  “It's your favourite little boy,” the Big Sad Worf tried again.

  “Don't need any little toys,” said Granny. “My children grew up long ago. Go away!”

  Impatiently, the Big Sad Worf tried the door and found it to be unlocked. He walked straight through the front room and into the bedroom.

  Granny squeaked with fright when she saw the big hairy creature, even though she couldn't see him clearly without her glasses – he just looked even fuzzier and hairier. “Help – help!” she cried.

  The Big Sad Worf knew that this little old lady wouldn't have much energy to absorb; but she did have loads of knowledge and memories which he called ‘data’. Data was just as delicious to him as energy, and could still stop him feeling sad and hungry. The Big Sad Worf took no notice of Granny's screams and wails. He placed an enormous paw on top of her head, and began to absorb...

  Little Fred Hyden-Good arrived at Granny's cottage a few minutes later. He was surprised to find the door ajar, but thought his gran must have left it open for him. “Hello Grinny!” he called cheerily as he entered.

  “Hello, my dear,” came the familiar quavery voice, and Fred was again surprised that Grinny had heard him – she didn't usually.

  He walked into the bedroom, then stopped to stare at his granny in amazement.

  The Big Sad Worf had absorbed Granny Hyden-Good along with all her data, and he had dressed himself in her frilly nightie and cap, but he hadn't quite had time to finish changing his shape to be exactly like the old lady – he was still half Worf.

  “Oh Grinny...” said Little Fred Hyden-Good, “you must be awfully ill – you look really terrible.”

  “That's not very polite,” said the granny creature. “How do I look then?”

  “Very hairy for a start...” said Fred.

  “Oh bother! I forgot my hair net,” said Grinny.

  “And your eyes are so big...” Little Fred also noticed.

  “It must be these new glasses,” Grinny said. “They're really strong.”

  “And your teeth are so long and white...”

  “Got some new teeth as well,” Grinny explained. “So much better for abs – I mean eating with.”

  “Mummy sent you some stuff.” Little Fred Hyden-Good held up his basket.

  “How very kind,” said the Granny creature. “Put it in the kitchen my dear –
and then come straight back here. I want to give you a hug, I do.”

  Little Fred Hyden-Good escaped to the kitchen. He was a very worried boy indeed. He just knew that granny creature wasn't his Grinny – it looked more like the funny animal he'd met in the woods – the Big Sad Worf, that was its name – but what had it done to the real Grinny? And what was he going to do? Grinny didn't have a telephone, so he couldn't even phone the police or the fire brigade. That gave him an idea... Grinny kept a small fire extinguisher on the wall in the kitchen. It was the kind that sprayed foamy stuff, sort-of like dad's shaving foam. Maybe if he squirted some in the Big Sad Worf's face, it would sting its eyes and make it choke just long enough, so that he could tie it up or something...

  “Hurry up, little boy...” the Big Sad Worf called in Grinny's moaniest voice, “I'm so sad and hungreee...”

  That settled it. The real Grinny might be forgetful, but she never EVER forgot his name, and she certainly never moaned because she was hungry.

  “I'm just making you a cup of tea, Grinny,” little Fred stalled for time.

  “Don't bother – I hate – I mean I've gone off tea. Just come here and give me a hug...”

  That gave little Fred Hyden-Good another idea. Perhaps the Big Sad Worf didn't like liquids – it might even be allergic to them. He filled the big kettle from the kitchen tap and left it on the floor, then he pulled the fire extinguisher off the wall, hid it behind his back, and slowly walked back to the bedroom.

  “There you are, you naughty boy,” said the Granny creature, “whatever took you so long?”

  “I want to show you something Grinny,” said little Fred.

  The Big Sad Worf pulled off its glasses with a huge hairy paw, and looked at little Fred with great big yellow eyes that were just like lemon slices. “Come closer then, my dear...” It grinned with far too many big white teeth, and slurped a long red tongue around its furry chops.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good took one step forward, even though he was shaking with fright.

  The Big Sad Worf grinned wider and held out its hairy paws which looked so silly dressed in a white frilly nightie.

  Little Fred took one more step, and then was right beside the bed. He raised the fire extinguisher with its nozzle pointing at the Big Sad Worf's nose.

  “What...?” began the Granny creature.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good pulled out the pin and pressed the lever, just as Grinny had once shown him – whoooosh!!! A great pile of slushy foam completely covered the Big Sad Worf – it looked like a melting snowman.

  “Aaaarooooof! Aaaaroooooof!” howled the granny creature in a muffled kind of way. “Gerritofff!!” It began to wriggle and squirm all over the bed.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good didn't hang about. He raced to the kitchen and picked up the kettle of water which was ready by the door, then he staggered back to the bedroom just in time to see the Big Sad Worf fall on the floor, still howling and rubbing its stinging eyes. Little Fred tilted the kettle and poured water all over the wriggling creature.

  The howls turned into screams. “Aaaarghhhh! Nooooooo! I don't like woootaaah! Aaaarghhh! Aaaarhhhooo...”

  Little Fred Hyden-Good watched in amazement as the Big Sad Worf crumpled and dissolved before his very eyes until there was nothing left except a rather soggy furry rug on the floor.

  He stood there dazed for a few moments, still holding the big empty kettle.

  Then the soggy rug was pushed aside, and there was Grinny, standing up a little shakily, and grinning at him. “Hello Freddie – nice to see you. Dearie me – I must have fallen out of bed – but what a terrible dream I had. I dreamed of a big hairy monster...”

  Then she noticed the state of the bedroom.

  “You NAUGHTY boy! What have you been up to while I was asleep? You've even spilt water on this nice furry rug which your mummy sent me. You'd better clear up all this mess at once – or there'll be no cakes for tea...”

  Of course Grinny had entirely forgiven him once he'd cleared up the mess – she was never cross for long – after all he was her favourite grandson. And he hadn't bothered to tell her about the Big Sad Worf – he wouldn't tell his mum or dad either – no grown-up would ever understand – they all thought he had too much imagination – and it was lucky for Grinny that he did.

  Little Fred Hyden-Good grinned to himself. His tummy was full of chocolate cake and ginger cookies, and there was blackberry pie in his basket.

  As for the Big Sad Worf – it must've been pretty daft to think it could fool little Fred Hyden-Good. What a sad miserable creature it was!

  The Big Sad Worf was well-sad.

  Bear-faced Cheek

  This one is a limsaga, but not a spoof. It is a genuine retelling of the traditional story.

  Goldilocks ran out to play

  Tho' her mother said in she must stay

  She ran straight to a wood

  Which was not very good

  She laughed as she soon lost her way.

  But Goldilocks soon changed her mind

  When her way back she just couldn't find

  She started to cry

  And said "Why, oh why

  Did I leave my new lunch box behind?"

  She soon got too hungry to care

  Her tummy just growled like a bear

  When she came to a place

  Where the trees left a space

  And a sweet little cottage stood there.

  She wondered who possibly could

  Live out here in the heart of a wood

  With no roads and no phone

  They must live all alone

  Not even a shop to buy food.

  Goldie didn't want further to roam

  But she wished she'd remembered her comb

  She walked right up the path

  Tho' she felt a bit daft

  At least they might know the way home.

  She knocked on the door with a clatter

  No footsteps she heard start to patter

  So she pushed the door wide

  And stepped right inside

  So naughty – but what did it matter?

  But no-one appeared to be in

  Tho' she made quite a terrible din

  On the table she saw

  Three food bowls – and "Cor!"

  The aroma did make her head spin.

  The breakfast was laid out for three

  'Twas porridge she quickly did see

  One large bowl, one small

  One neither at all

  She sniffed at them all, hungri-ly.

  Goldie knew it was not very good

  Without asking to take someone's food

  But the bowls were left there

  As if nobody cared

  She stopped wondering whether she should.

  She picked up a spoon and did taste

  From the large bowl – then dropped it in haste

  For it WAS much too hot

  To eat such a lot

  She moved to the second bowl placed.

  This middle-sized bowl smelled all right

  So she cautiously took a small bite

  But the porridge was thick

  And made her feel sick

  She looked at the last bowl in sight.

  This small bowl was cute baby blue

  'Twas meant for a littl'un she knew

  And it tasted a dream

  With honey and cream

  She guzzled it down and said, "Phew!"

  "Ooh-er!" she said, rather dismayed

  At the table not so neatly laid

  "Perhaps they won't mind

  If they're ever so kind,

  This terrible mess I have made."

  But now it was time for a seat

  To rest her poor weary young feet

  She looked round and spied

  Three chairs side by side

  One tall and one short, one petite.

  On the tall chair she managed to kneel

  But soon found it wasn't ideal
>
  The seat was so hard

  And her feet were a yard

  From the carpet – which caused her to squeal.

  In the short chair she next tried to doss

  But the cushions were like candy floss

  She sank up to her neck

  And said, "Blooming heck!

  In this short chair I'll surely get lost!"

  Goldie looked at the tiniest chair

  It looked terribly small – so take care!

  She sat down with a thump

  Then the floor she did bump

  As in pieces it flew everywhere.

  Guilt brought a blush to her face

  It seemed like she was wrecking the place

  Perhaps she should hide

  But she still felt so tired

  So straight up the stairs she did race.

  Three beds were all stood in a row

  Large, medi-um, and just-so

  She tried the large one

  But it couldn't be done

  She was not tall enough up to go.

  The medium bed she next tried

  It was low enough and nice and wide

  But the mattress was lumpy

  Its feathers seemed clumpy

  She couldn't get comfy, and sighed...

  There was only one bed left to test

  Which was smaller than all of the rest

  She got in and said, "Wow!

  I'm comfortable now.

  This small bed is surely the best."

  As Goldilocks lay down to rest

  She couldn't have possibly guessed

  That the cottage belonged

  To three Bears she had wronged

  Who were now marching home with great zest.

  And as they walked up to the door

  Mrs Bear said, "Oh my, dear oh Lor!"

  For the front door stood open

  And she was half hoping

  They hadn't had burglars galore.

  Mr Bear said, "Wait – let me go first!"