Humor in Uniform Read online

  A READER’S DIGEST BOOK

  Copyright ©2008 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

  All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited.

  Reader’s Digest and Humor in Uniform are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

  Project Editor: Nancy Shuker

  Project Designer: Elizabeth Tunnicliffe

  Associate Art Director: George McKeon

  Executive Editor, Trade Publishing: Dolores York

  Manufacturing Manager: Elizabeth Dinda

  Director of Production: Michael Braunschweiger

  Associate Publisher: Rosanne McManus

  President and Publisher, Trade Publishing: Harold Clarke

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Humor in uniform : funny true stories about life in the military/the Reader’s Digest Association.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-0-7621-0929-6

  ISBN 978-1-60652-258-9 (Adobe)

  ISBN 978-1-60652-587-6 (E-PUB)

  1. United States--Armed Forces--Military life--Anecdotes. 2. United States--Armed Forces--Humor. I. Reader’s Digest Association. II. Reader’s digest.

  U766.H86 2008

  355.10973--dc22 2007052743

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  “We’re definitely being downsized.”

  Contents

  Introduction

  Basic Training

  A Word to the Wise

  Meeting Expectations

  At the Front

  Morale Building

  Pride of the Corps

  Beating the System

  A Matter of Wits If not Wisps

  All in the Family

  From the Peanut Gallery

  Parental Pride

  Family Matters

  Service Adjustments

  Love ‘em As They Are

  Oops!

  It’s Inevitable!

  And So It Goes . . .

  The Home Front

  Can You Cope?

  We Do Our Best

  It’s Really Okay

  Homecoming

  Supportive Spouses?

  Last Laugh

  The Art of Communication

  Rocks and Other Difficulties

  Respectfully Submitted

  Getting Real

  On the Job

  From the Mess

  In Flight

  One Up

  The Right Stuff

  Military “Maneuvers”

  Military Wisdom

  Just a Little Red Tape

  Reading the Signals

  Go Figure

  Think Again

  Don’t Ask

  Getting By

  Thinking Fast

  So They Say

  You Can’t Win ‘em All

  Huh?

  Another Language?

  Come Again?

  Some Reassurance

  Hey Medic

  Stating the Obvious

  Use What You Know

  Rank and File

  Pulling Rank

  A Rose Is a Rose

  Art Credits

  Also Available from Reader’s Digest

  Introduction

  Life in the military is no picnic. The U.S. services—Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, and National Guard—all require strict discipline in a rigid hierarchy. The training is diabolically tough, and that’s just the beginning. The pay isn’t much, and living conditions can be primitive.

  Assignments can be harsh. Baghdad, for example, routinely hits 120°F on summer days. Parts of Afghanistan are snowed in for most of the winter. Missions are often not only dangerous but potentially lethal. On the other hand, when duties are not life-threatening, they can be mind-numbingly tedious.

  So, how do our military men and women survive? We think a well-developed sense of humor is a key to their equanimity. It lets these put-upon heroes relieve their tensions with laughter.

  All of the anecdotes in this book were sent to Reader’s Digest by men and women of the U.S. military and their families. There are more than 500 separate stories of contemporary life in uniform—with its contradictions, its foibles, and its ridiculous mixups and misunderstandings. We applaud these all-too-human people who are able to laugh at themselves while still bravely defending our country.

  — THE EDITORS

  Basic Training

  “Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news,” said our platoon sergeant during our morning lineup. “First, the good news. Private Tomkins will be setting the pace on our run.” The platoon began to hoot and holler, since the overweight Tomkins was the slowest guy in the group. “Now the bad news. Private Tomkins will be driving a truck.”

  — RICK STOVER

  With his squad at attention, my father’s drill sergeant began inspecting their rifles. Grabbing one soldier’s M-1, he peered down the barrel only to be stared back at by a spider. “Two demerits,” yelled the sergeant. “Why two?” asked the private. “One for keeping an unclean weapon,” said the sergeant. “And one for keeping an unauthorized pet.”

  — KATHLEEN SHEEHY

  * * *

  “All you idiots, fall out!” shouted the sergeant at the soldiers standing in formation. As the rest of the squad dispersed, one soldier remained at attention. The sergeant stalked over and raised a single eyebrow. The private grinned. “Sure was a lot of them, huh, sir?”

  — MATTHEW HAWORTH

  * * *

  If he wasn’t already aware of the dangers inherent in military life, things became pretty clear for my son with one look at his Marine boot camp itinerary. On one of the first days, Bayonet Techniques was scheduled for the morning. Following that: Beginning First Aid.

  — TOMMY SISSON

  Basic training for new Army recruits includes small arms instruction. One enlistee goes out to practice on the rifle range, where he fires 99 shots, missing the target every time. “You are the worst rifleman I’ve ever seen!” says his drill instructor. “What were you in civilian life?” “I repaired telephones,” replies the recruit, “and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see. . . .“He gives his rifle the once-over, checks it again, and finally a third time. Then he places his hand in front of the muzzle, pulls the trigger— and blows off the tip of his finger. “Well, that answers that,” says the phone guy, in obvious pain. “The bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end.”

  — SOURCE UNKNOWN

  In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used actually belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as “my trash,” and to the racks we slept in as “my racks.” One time when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making “head calls,” our drill instructor must have overheard us.
To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, “Why do I hear voices in my head?!”

  — KATHY VANDENBRINK

  When my father was in boot camp, the troops were instructed to put their belongings in their footlockers, write their last names and first initials on the containers, and report back for inspection. A few minutes later, the commanding officer, after having seen my father’s locker emblazoned with his last name “Locke” and his first initial “R,” furiously bellowed, “Okay, who’s the wise guy?”

  — TOD LOCKE

  “Well,” snarled the drill sergeant to the miserable recruit doing push-ups in the rain, “I suppose after you’re discharged you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can spit on my grave.” “Not me,” replied the recruit. “Once I get out of the Marines, I’m never standing in line again.”

  — PETE E. MURPHY

  Joining the Air Force was a dream come true. And when I sat in the copilot’s seat during an introduction to the cockpit, I was eager to impress my instructor. I quickly made my way through the maze of dials and levers on the instrument panel, naming each one and describing what they did in great detail. Until, that is, I came to one with a bunch of numbers. “What’s this?” I asked. “The clock,” he answered.

  — FAISAL MASOODI

  A Word to the Wise

  One of my fellow recruits at Marine boot camp looked extremely young. During inspection our drill instructor asked him, “Does your mother know you’re in the Marine Corps?” “Yes, sir,” replied the recruit. “Does she know you’re staying overnight?”

  — JAMIE WALKER

  During basic training one lesson stood out from all the others: Keep your mouth shut unless given permission to talk. But I didn’t realize how well our instructors had hammered this point home until one evening when we sat down to eat. My table mate started her evening prayer with, “God, request permission to pray.”

  — GAIL HAYES

  Our first stop as new recruits was the barber’s. “Want to keep your sideburns?” he asked. “Yes, that would be great,” I said. “Okay, I’ll get you a bag to put them in.”

  — JAMES MCGRUDER

  Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn’t know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. “Sure,” he said. “Lie down.” Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. “Sorry, but this is the only way I know how,” he said. “Comes from practicing on my father’s clients.” “What does your father do?”

  “He’s a mortician.”

  — HOWARD MARSHALL

  One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O’Malley. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105 mm howitzer. “Two-nine-oh-seven, sir,” was the reply.

  “Soldier,” said the colonel, “don’t you know you never say “oh” in the artillery? You say “zero.” What’s your name, soldier?” “Zero Malley, sir,” answered the private.

  — JOHN MADSON

  Short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had trouble being taken seriously in the Army. A mustache, he assumed, would fix that. He was wrong. “Wiggins!” bellowed our drill instructor after spotting the growth during inspection.

  “What’s so special about your nose that it’s got to be underlined?”

  — K. TROTT

  Basic training has a way of making a soldier feel that he or she is being worked like a dog. Now I have proof. While on KP duty at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri, I was hauling containers of vegetables. On the side of one box was this: “FOR ANIMAL OR MILITARY USE ONLY.”

  — LORI MONTGOMERY

  During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through the exercise, we realized we had lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, “Our odds are 1 in 359 that we’ll get out of here.” “How do you come up with that?” someone asked. “Well,” he replied, “one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.”

  — K. S. MCGUIRE

  While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done. Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain’s calm response. “Well, son,” he said, “if this plane goes down, that chute is yours.”

  — JAMES KUHNZ

  My grandson, Will, called home from West Point one evening and complained about how difficult the training was. When his father told him to try to find something positive, Will mentioned how he liked to spit-shine his boots. “Really?” his father said. “Why?” “Because,” Will replied, “that means my feet aren’t in them.”

  — PAULINE CANDA

  During basic training, my platoon was given a choice of going either to the gym or the PX. By a show of hands, we opted for the PX. “Uh-uh,” said our sergeant. “You’re all going to the gym.” “But, Sarge,” whined one recruit, “we took a vote.” “Boys, let me explain,” he said. “We’re here to defend democracy, not practice it.”

  — WARREN PANSIRE

  * * *

  After enlisting in the Navy, a friend of mine found himself in basic training learning about firearms. He was aided by a sticker on his rifle with an arrow pointed toward the barrel.

  It read: “Point This End At Enemy.”

  — BRIANNA SCANLON

  * * *

  “Miserable” doesn’t begin to describe how my troops and I felt during two weeks of maneuvers. Aside from grueling training, we camped outside under austere conditions, in often severe weather. So on our last Sunday morning, I was heartened to see many of the enlisted men standing single file waiting to enter a small local church. “A little of that old-time religion?” I remarked to the first sergeant. “No, sir,” he said. “Flush toilets.”

  — MICHAEL CAMPO

  Meeting Expectations

  After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from jump school. “Well,” he replied, “it’s three weeks long.” “What else?” I inquired. “The first week they separate the men from the boys,” he said. “The second week they separate the men from the fools.” “And the third week?” I asked. “The third week the fools jump.”

  — TOD REJHOLEC

  You’ve never seen two greener recruits than Fred and me the day we arrived for basic training. We were immediately assigned guard duty, and soon after, Fred was approached by an officer. “Halt! Who goes there?” Fred shouted. The officer identified himself and waited for a response. And waited . . . “What’s wrong, soldier, don’t you remember what comes next?” “No,” Fred yelled back. “And you’re not taking another step until I do.”

  — L. EDMOND WOLFE

  While in marine corps boot camp, we were taught to keep our heads if taken prisoner by the enemy. After all, methods used to extract information, we learned, might not be the ones we were expecting. “Imagine that the door to your cell opens and in walks a beautiful young woman in a revealing outfit,” said our instructor. “The best thing to do is not to touch her.” From the back of the room came the question, “Sir, what’s the second best thing?”

  — DAVID GRAVES

  Being a career soldier was not in the cards for one particular recruit. Every time he took his turn at the rifle range, he’d lift his rifle, aim at the target, fire—and hit some tree way off in the distance. One day, despondent after claiming a number of trees but no targets, he said to the sergeant, “I think I’ll just go and shoot myself.” “Better take a couple of extra rounds,” the sergeant shot back.

  — MANUEL G. RODRIGUEZ

  My brother and I
arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, our unit was dragged out of bed by our drill sergeant and made to assemble outside. “My name’s Sergeant Jackson,” he snarled. “Is there anyone here who thinks he can whip me?” My six-foot-three, 280-pound brother raised his hand and said, “Yes, sir, I do.” Our sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the group. “Men,” he said, “this is my new assistant. Now, is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?”

  — ROBERT NORRIS

  “No, Ferguson, the military does not have Casual Fridays!”

  During flight school, our instructor noticed that a young pilot wasn’t wearing her earplugs correctly. “If you don’t fix your earplugs, you’ll turn into a deaf old man like me,” he warned over the roar of helicopter engines. She shot back, “If I turn into a deaf old man, I’ve got bigger problems than hearing loss.”

  — DEBORAH GATRELL

  For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training. It was clear that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard duty one night, he cried out, “Halt! Don’t shoot or I’ll move!”

  — TOM BIRDWELL

  A recruit in Navy boot camp got on the wrong side of our company commander and was ordered to do push-ups. As he neared triple digits, an airliner flew overhead. “I bet you wish you were on that plane, don’tcha?” sneered the CC. “No, sir,” said the unlucky recruit. “Why wouldn’t you want to be on that plane?” “Because,” the recruit grunted between push-ups, “that plane’s landing. I want to be on one that’s leaving.”

  — GENE DAMRON

  After about three weeks in basic training, my husband’s unit was not measuring up to expectations, and the sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant’s threat hung in the air, an anonymous voice called out, “How about sending us back four weeks?”