A Parody Outline of History Read online

  MRS. BREWSTER: In the cupboard, dear. I do hope you aren't going to get—er—“boiled” again tonight, Priscilla.

  (Enter PRISCILLA, infinitely radiant, infinitely beautiful, with a bottle of vermouth in one hand and a jug of gin in the other.)

  PRISCILLA: Auntie, that was a dirty trick to hide the vermouth. Hello Miles—shoot many Indians today?

  MILES: Why—er—er—no, Mistress Priscilla.

  PRISCILLA: Wish you'd take me with you next time, Miles. I'd love to shoot an Indian, wouldn't you, auntie?

  MRS. BREWSTER: Priscilla! What an idea! And please dear, give Auntie Brewster the gin. I—er—promised to take some to the church social tonight and it's almost all gone now.

  MILES: I didn't see you at church last night, Mistress Priscilla.

  PRISCILLA: Well I'll tell you, Miles. I started to go to church—really felt awfully religious. But just as I was leaving I thought, “Priscilla, how about a drink—just one little drink?” You know, Miles, church goes so much better when you're just a little boiled—the lights and everything just kind of—oh, its glorious. Well last night, after I'd had a little liquor, the funniest thing happened. I felt awfully good, not like church at all—so I just thought I'd take a walk in the woods. And I came to a pool—a wonderful honest-to-God pool—with the moon shining right into the middle of it. So I just undressed and dove in and it was the most marvelous thing in the world. And then I danced on the bank in the grass and the moonlight—oh, Lordy, Miles, you ought to have seen me.

  MRS. BREWSTER: Priscilla!

  PRISCILLA: 'Scuse me, Auntie Brewster. And then I just lay in the grass and sang and laughed.

  MRS. BREWSTER: Dear, you'll catch your death of cold one of these nights. I hope you'll excuse me, Captain Standish; it's time I was going to our social. I'll leave Priscilla to entertain you. Now be a good girl, Priscilla, and please dear don't drink straight vermouth—remember what happened last time. Good night, Captain—good night, dear.

  (Exit MRS. BREWSTER with gin.)

  PRISCILLA: Oh damn! What'll we do, Miles—I'm getting awfully sleepy.

  MILES: Why—we might—er—pet a bit.

  PRISCILLA (yawning): No. I'm too tired—besides, I hate whiskers.

  MILES: Yes, that's so, I remember.

  (Ten minutes' silence, with MILES looking sentimentally into the fireplace, PRISCILLA curled up in a chair on the other side.)

  MILES: I was—your aunt and I—we were talking about you before you came in. It was a talk that meant a lot to me.

  PRISCILLA: Miles, would you mind closing that window?

  (MILES closes the window and returns to his chair by the fireplace.)

  MILES: And your aunt told me that your mother said you would some day marry a military man.

  PRISCILLA: Miles, would you mind passing me that pillow over there?

  (MILES gets up, takes the pillow to PRISCILLA and again sits down.

  MILES: And I thought that if you wanted a military man why—well, I've always thought a great deal of you, Mistress Priscilla—and since my Rose died I've been pretty lonely, and while I'm nothing but a rough old soldier yet—well, what I'm driving at is—you see, maybe you and I could sort of—well, I'm not much of a hand at fancy love speeches and all that—but—

  (He is interrupted by a snore. He glances up and sees that PRISCILLA has fallen fast asleep. He sits looking hopelessly into the fireplace for a long time, then gets up, puts on his hat and tiptoes out of the door.)

  THE NEXT EVENING

  PRISCILLA is sitting alone, lost in revery, before the fireplace. It is almost as if she had not moved since the evening before.

  A knock, and the door opens to admit JOHN ALDEN, nonchalant, disillusioned, and twenty-one.

  JOHN: Good evening. Hope I don't bother you.

  PRISCILLA: The only people who bother me are women who tell me I'm beautiful and men who don't.

  JOHN: Not a very brilliant epigram—but still—yes, you are beautiful.

  PRISCILLA: Of course, if it's an effort for you to say—

  JOHN: Nothing is worthwhile without effort.

  PRISCILLA: Sounds like Miles Standish; many things I do without effort are worthwhile; I am beautiful without the slightest effort.

  JOHN: Yes, you're right. I could kiss you without any effort—and that would be worthwhile—perhaps.

  PRISCILLA: Kissing me would prove nothing. I kiss as casually as I breathe.

  JOHN: And if you didn't breath or kiss—you would die.

  PRISCILLA: Any woman would.

  JOHN: Then you are like other women. How unfortunate.

  PRISCILLA: I am like no woman you ever knew.

  JOHN: You arouse my curiosity.

  PRISCILLA: Curiosity killed a cat.

  JOHN: A cat may look at a—Queen.

  PRISCILLA: And a Queen keeps cats for her amusement. They purr so delightfully when she pets them.

  JOHN: I never learned to purr; it must be amusing—for the Queen.

  PRISCILLA: Let me teach you. I'm starting a new class tonight.

  JOHN: I'm afraid I couldn't afford to pay the tuition.

  PRISCILLA: For a few exceptionally meritorious pupils, various scholarships and fellowships have been provided.

  JOHN: By whom? Old graduates?

  PRISCILLA: No—the institution has been endowed by God—

  JOHN: With exceptional beauty—I'm afraid I'm going to kiss you. Now.

  (They kiss.)

  (Ten minutes pass.)

  PRISCILLA: Stop smiling in that inane way.

  JOHN: I just happened to think of something awfully funny. You know the reason why I came over here tonight?

  PRISCILLA: To see me. I wondered why you hadn't come months ago.

  JOHN: No. It's really awfully funny—but I came here tonight because Miles Standish made me promise this morning to ask you to marry him. Miles is an awfully good egg, really Priscilla.

  PRISCILLA: Speak for yourself, John.

  (They kiss.)

  PRISCILLA: Again.

  JOHN: Again—and again. Oh Lord, I'm gone.

  A QUIET EVENING IN PLYMOUTH

  “Priscilla: Speak for yourself, John.

  (They kiss.)

  Priscilla:“ Again.

  John: Again—and again. Oh, Lord, I'm gone!

  (an hour later John leaves.)“

  (An hour later JOHN leaves. As the door closes behind him PRISCILLA sinks back into her chair before the fireplace; an hour passes, and she does not move; her aunt returns from the Bradfords' and after a few ineffectual attempts at conversation goes to bed alone; the candles gutter, flicker, and die out; the room is filled with moonlight, softly stealing through the silken skein of sacred silence. Once more the clock chimes forth the hour—the hour of fluted peace, of dead desire and epic love. Oh not for aye, Endymion, mayst thou unfold the purple panoply of priceless years. She sleeps—PRISCILLA sleeps—and down the palimpsest of age-old passion the lyres of night breathe forth their poignant praise. She sleeps—eternal Helen—in the moonlight of a thousand years; immortal symbol of immortal aeons, flower of the gods transplanted on a foreign shore, infinitely rare, infinitely erotic.[*])

  [*] For the further adventures of Priscilla, see F. Scott Fitzgerald's stories in the “Girl With the Yellow Hair” series, notably “This Side of Paradise,” “The Offshore Pirate,” “The Ice Palace,” “Head and Shoulders,” “Bernice Bobs Her Hair,” “Benediction” and “The Beautiful and Damned.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  THE SPIRIT OF '75

  LETTERS OF A MINUTE MAN

  In the Manner of Ring Lardner

  Friend Ethen—

  Well Ethen you will be surprised O. K. to hear I & the wife took a little trip down to Boston last wk. to a T. party & I guess you are thinking we will be getting the swelt hed over being ast to a T. party. In Boston.

  Well Ethen if you think that why you will be a 100 mi. offen the track because Ethen I and Prudence aint the kind that gets a sw
elt hed over being ast any wares like some of are naybers up here when they are ast any wares so you see Ethen even if we had been ast any wares we wouldnt of had no swelt hed. On acct of being ast any wares.

  Well last Thurs. I and Prudence drove old Bessy down to Boston Bessy is are horse see Ethen which is about 13 mi. from here Boston I mean Ethen as the crow flys only no crow would ever fly to Boston if he could help it because all the crows that ever flew to Boston was shot by them lousie taverin keepers to make meals out of Ethen I never tast it nothing so rotten in my life as the meals they give us there & the priceis would knock your I out. 3 shillings for a peace of stake about as big as your I, and 4 pence for a cup of coffy. The streets aint the only thing about Boston thats crook it. Them taverin keepers is crook it to I mean see Ethen.

  ED AND THE WIFE GIVE BOSTON THE DOUBLE-O

  “'& he says maddam do you want T. & slavery and she says no, coffy & a hot dog just kidding him see Ethen. & he says maddam no T. shall ever land & she says no but my husbend will in a bout 1 min. and I was just going to plank him 1—'”

  After supper I & her was walking a round giving the town the double O when we seen that Fanny Ewell Hall was all lit up like Charley Davis on Sat. night & I says to Prudence lets go inside I think its free and she says I bet you knowed it was free al right befor you ast me & sure enough it was free only I hadnt knowed it before only I guess that Prudence knows that when I say a thing it is generally O. K. Well Fanny Ewell Hall was pack jam full of people & we couldnt see nothing because there was a cockide stiff standing right in front of us & jumping up & down & yelling No T. No T. at the top of his lunges & Prudence says well why dont you take coffy or milk & for Gods sake stay offen my foot & he turns to her & says maddam do you want T. & slavery & she says no coffy & a hot dog just kidding him see Ethen & he says maddam no T. shall ever land & she says no but my husbend will in a bout 1 min. & I was just going to plank him 1 when the door behint us bust open & a lot of indyans come in yelling every body down to Grifins worf there is going to be a T. party only Ethen they wasnt indyans at all but jest wite men drest up to look like indyans & I says to a fello those aint indyans & he say no how did you guess it & I says because I have seen real indyans many a time & he says to a nother fello say Bill here is a man who says them aint real indyans & the other fello says gosh I dont believe it & they laffed only the laff was on them Ethen because they wasnt real indyans & that is only tipical of how you cant tell these Boston swelt heds nothing & I guess if they had ever seen a real indyan they would of known better than to laff. Well I and Prudence follered the crowd down to Grifins worf & them indyans which was only wite men drest up clumb onto a ship there & begun throwing the cargo into Boston harber & I says to a fello what is in them boxes & he says T. & I says well why are they throwing it away & he says because they do not want to pay the tacks which is about as sensable Ethen if I was to rite a lot of letters & then as fast as I rote 1 I would tare it up because I did not want to pay for a stamp. Well I says somebody ought to catch he—ll for this & he says are you a torie & I seen he was trying to kid me & I says no I am a congregationalis & a loyal subject of king Geo. Rex & he says o I thought you was a torie & a lot of fellos who was with him give him the laff because he hadnt been abel to kid me. Well after a whiles he says the indyans seem to be about threw & I says yes only they aint indyans & the laff was on him again & he seen it wasnt no use to try & kid me & Prudence says come on lets beat it & on the way home I says I bet them Boston birds will feel small when they find out that those wasnt indyans at all & she act it like she was mad about something & says well they cant blame you for not trying to tell them & its a wonder you didnt hire Fanny Ewell Hall while you was about it & I says o is it & I might know youd get sore because I was the 1st to find out about the indyans being wite men in disgised & she says yes I suppose if somebody was to paint stripes on a cow you would make a speach about it & say that you had discovered that it wasnt no tiger & I wish I had been 1 of them indyans tonight because I would of loved to of beened you with a Tommy Hawk & I says o you would would you & she seen it wasnt no use to argue with me & anyway Ethen nobody would be fool enough to paint stripes on a cow unless maybe they was born in Boston. Well Ethen thats the way it goes & when you do put one over on the wife they want to hit you with a Tommy Hawk with best rgds.

  Ed.

  THE BOSTON TEA PARTY

  “'& I says to the wife those ain't real indyans & she says oh aint they I suppose if somebody was to paint stripes on a cow you would say that aint no tiger neither & I would love to been you one right now with a Tommy Hawk well Ethen that's the way it goes.'”

  Friend Ethen—

  No matter what a married man does in this world he gets in wrong & I suppose if I was to die tonight Prudence would bawl me out for not having let her know I was going to do it & just because I joined the minit men the other eve. she has been acting like as if I had joined the Baptis Church & I bet you are saying what in the h—ll is a minit man. Well Ethen I will tell you. The other night I says to Prudence I think I will drive over to Lexington to get Bessy shodd. Bessy is are horse see Ethen. Well she says you will do nothing of the kind because all you want to do in Lexington is get a snoot ful & if you think I am going to wate up all night while you get boiled well you have got another guess coming. She says the last time you had Bessy shodd the naybers are talking about it yet & I says do you mean because I & Charley Davis was singing & having a little fun & she says no because nobody wouldnt call that singing & do you call it a little fun when you brought Bessy up stares with you to show me how well she had been shodd at 3 A. M. in the morning answer me that which is only her way of exagerating things Ethen because we didnt bring Bessy only as far as the stares & I only did it because Charley had been drinking a little to much & I didnt want to iritate him because the way to handel drunks is to not iritate them they are only worse only you cant tell a woman that & they think the way to handel drunks is to look him in the eye & say arent you ashamed of yourselves which only iritates him the moar. Well I says I am not going to half no horse of mine going a round 1/2 shodd al the time & Prudence says well I am not going to half no husband of mine going a round 1/2 shot al the time & I says I will not go near Charley Davis this time because I have lernt my lesson & she says al right if you will promise to not go near Charley Davis you can go & when I got to Lexington I thought I would stop in the taverin a min. just to say hulloh to the boys because if a fello doesnt stop in the taverin to say hulloh to the boys who are just as good as he is they are lible to say he has a swelt hed & is to proud to stop in the taverin to say hulloh to the boys. Who are just as good as he is. Well I didnt have any i dear that Charley Davis would be there because I had told Prudence I wasnt going to go near him & just because I said that I cant be expect it to sneek into toun like as if I was a convick can I Ethen. Well the taverin was crowd it & they had all got a good start & the long & the short of it was that the 1st person I seen was Charley Davis & he says hulloh there pink whiskers you are just in time to join the minit men which is only a nicked name he has for me because my whiskers are red brown. No I says I cannot join anything tonight fellos because I must go—

  ED JOINS THE MINUTE MEN

  “'& after we had drank about 4 or 5 he says listen & I says what & he says listen & I says what & he says do you know my wife & I says no & he says what did you say & I says when & he says you have insult it my wife & he begun to cry.'”

  —right back home & he says if you dont join the minit men now some day you wont have no home to go home to & I says what do you mean I wont have no home to go home to & he says because the Brittish are going to burn down all the homes of we farmers because we will not sell them any food but first you had better have a drink. Well Ethen a fello dont like to be a sissey about taking 1 drink does he & then I says now fellos I must go home & then a couple of more fellos come in & they said Ed you wont go home till we have brought you a drink & elect it you to the minit men will you & I said no but
I must go home right after that. Well then we got to singing & we was going pretty good & after a while I said now fellos I must go home & Charley Davis says to me Ed before you go I want to have you shake hands with my friend Tom Duffy who is here from Boston & he will tell you all about the minit men & you can join tonight but look out or he will drink you under the tabel because he is the worst fish in Boston & I says sure only I have got to be going home soon because you remember what hapend last time & I would like to see any body from Boston drink me under the tabel & bet. you & I Ethen if that fellow is a fish then my grandmother is the prince of whales & let me tell you what hapend. After we had drank about 4 or 5 I seen he was getting sort of wite & I says well Boston lets settle down now to some good steddy drinking & he says listen & I says what & he says listen & I says what & he says do you know my wife & I says no & he says listen & I says what & he says shes the best little woman in the world & I says sure & he says what did you say & I says when & he says you have insult it my wife the best little woman in the world & he begun to cry & we had only had a bout 1 qt & wouldnt that knock you for a cockide gool Ethen, only I guess you arent surprised knowing how much I can holt without feeling any affects. Well I was feeling pretty good on acct. of drinking the pride of Boston under the tabel & not feeling any affects only I was feeling good like a fello naturely feels & the fellos kind of made a lot of fuss on acct. me drinking him under the tabel so I couldnt very well of gone home then & after a while Charley Davis made a speach & well comed me into the minit men & so I am a minit man Ethen but I cant exackly explain it to you until I see Charley again because he didnt make it very clear that night. Well after a while we woke the Boston fish up & we all went home & I was feeling pretty good on acct. it being such a nice night & all the stars being out & etc. & when I got home I said Prudence guess what hapend & she says I can guess & I says Prudence I have been elect it a minit man & she says well go on up stares & sleep it off & I says sleep what off & she says stop talking so loud do you want the naybers to wake up & I says whos talking loud & she says o go to bed & I says I am talking in conversational tones & she says well you must be conversing with somebody in Boston & I says o you mean that little blond on Beecon St. & Ethen she went a 1,000,000 mi. up in the air & I seen it wasnt no use to try & tell her that the reason I was feeling good was on acct. having drank a Boston swelt hed to sleep without feeling any affects & I bet the next time I get a chanct I am going to get snooted right because a fello gets blamed just as much if he doesnt feel the affects as if he was brought home in a stuper & I was just kidding her about that blond on Beecon St. Some women dont know when they are well off Ethen & I bet that guy from Bostons Tom Duffy I mean wife wishes she was in Prudences shoes instead of her having married a man what cant holt no more than a qt. without being brought home in a stuper. Best rgds.