A Lee Martinez Read online

  The doorbell rang.

  They answered it together.

  A small mound of rainbow-colored luggage occupied their porch. On top of it sat a raccoon in an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and denim shorts. He wore sunglasses, even though it was night.

  “You must be Phil and Teri, right?”

  They nodded.

  The raccoon hopped up, put his hands on his hips, and struck a dramatic pose. “Behold your new god. Luka, lord of prosperity and good fortune.”

  He lowered his sunglasses to the end of his nose and smiled.

  “Where should I put my stuff?”

  2

  “Nice digs,” said Luka as he pushed his way past Phil and Teri. “Not exactly the palace of the High Magistrate of Atlantis, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?”

  “You’re Luka?” asked Teri.

  “The one and only. And, please, call me Lucky.” He tucked his sunglasses into his pocket and imitated a gun with his finger, once at each of them. “Anything to drink? I just descended from the heavens and could really use some juice.”

  “We have soda,” said Teri. “Sorry, no juice.”

  “I’ll take a Coke, thanks.”

  She went into the kitchen. Awkward silence filled the room. Phil didn’t look directly at Lucky. Then he felt weird about it, so he made eye contact with his new god. Lucky winked.

  Teri returned. “All we had was Dr. Pepper.”

  “That’ll do.” He chugged the entire beverage in one long drink. “So do I throw this away or do you recycle?”

  Teri took the can and went back to the kitchen. She didn’t return right away, leaving Phil and Lucky to stare at each other some more.

  “Something wrong, Phil?” asked Lucky.

  “No, no,” Phil replied quickly. “I mean, no, not really. It’s just…

  “It’s just you thought I’d be taller.”

  Phil nodded.

  “Like this.” Lucky transformed into the more traditional figure seen in the video. Human in proportion, though the head remained the same. “This is for show. Helps to get people’s attention. But it’s not how I always look. Do you think Hermes always wears the winged sandals? Or that Osiris keeps that falcon head on all the time?”

  “It’s not his real head?”

  “Naw. He just wears it to hide his bald spot. You didn’t hear that from me. We’re gods. Our bodies are like your clothes. They’re largely a matter of personal preference.” He transformed back into his smaller, more casual form. “I’m just more comfortable this way. If it’s all the same to you. Not going to be a problem, is it?”

  Phil shook his head.

  “Cool. So where’s your bathroom?”

  Phil pointed down the hall.

  “Thanks. Be right back. What are we having for dinner tonight? I have a hankering for tacos.”

  He shut the door behind him.

  Teri dared to venture from the kitchen. “Did he leave?”

  “He’s in the bathroom,” said Phil.

  “Gods use the bathroom?” asked Teri.

  “Maybe he wants to wash his hands. I think raccoons like to do that.”

  “But he’s not really a raccoon, is he?”

  Phil lowered his voice, afraid Lucky might hear them. “I don’t think so, but maybe he has some of their tendencies while in that form.”

  The toilet flushed. They heard the water in the sink run, and Phil elbowed Teri to point out that he was right about the hand-washing.

  Lucky came out, drying his hands on his shirt.

  “I’ve been thinking about it, and tonight feels more like a burger night. But I’m open.”

  He took a seat on the couch and used the remote to turn on the television. “Aw, shoot. This isn’t high-def, is it?”

  “No,” said Phil. “We’re sorry, uh, Master.”

  “How many channels do you get?”

  Phil and Teri each waited for the other to answer the question.

  “I’m not really sure,” Phil finally said.

  “You’ve got premium, right?” asked Lucky.

  Phil hesitated. “It’s just basic.”

  “Aw, crud,” said Lucky.

  “Our apologies… Master.”

  “Will you cut out that master stuff? It’s Lucky. Just Lucky. It’s not your fault. It’s that damn matchmaking service. You’d think with all the forms you have to fill out they’d have a space for cable package somewhere, right? It’s not ideal, but I can live with it. Maybe your next paycheck you might consider getting an upgrade. I’m not trying to impose or anything, but a nice, upstanding American couple like yourselves can really do better than basic cable. Still, as long as we’ve got Oxygen and Discovery, I guess I’m good.”

  He flipped through the channels too rapidly to even see what was on.

  “How are those burgers coming along, kids?”

  “I don’t think we have everything we need here,” said Phil.

  “Well, they have these great new things called grocery stores. Very handy. Or, if you prefer, you can swing through a drive-through. I’ll take a Big Mac and a cherry pie. But before you go, we should probably get my stuff inside first. Where’s my room?”

  “Room?” repeated Teri.

  “Don’t tell me. No room. Disappointing, but heck, I don’t mind crashing on the couch.”

  “Excuse me,” said Teri, “but you want to move in?”

  “You bet.”

  “Here?”

  Lucky nodded.

  “In our house?”

  Lucky muted the television. “Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? I’m not one of those gods who sits up high on his mountain and looks down upon his followers like interchangeable minions. I’m more hands-on. Quality not quantity, that’s my motto. And I have a good feeling about you two. I’m not just in this for myself. Sure, when you guys do better, the divine karmic feedback loop means that I do better. But that’s just a fringe benefit. I want you to be happy, and the only way I can feel comfortable doing that is to be down here, in the trenches, with you fine folks.”

  Phil and Teri smiled weakly.

  “I know, I know,” said Lucky. “Too good to be true, isn’t it?”

  “Would you excuse us for a moment?” asked Teri.

  “Sure. I’ll just grab something to nosh on until dinner, if that’s all right with you?”

  “Please, help yourself.”

  They kept their feeble smiles until Lucky went to the kitchen.

  “He can’t stay here,” Teri harshly whispered.

  “I don’t think we have a choice,” said Phil. “We agreed to allow him into our home.”

  “But I thought that meant an altar or an idol or something like that. Isn’t that normally how it works? Your parents had a god, right? You should know.”

  “There was an idol. Once a month, they sacrificed a dove to it, I think.”

  She glared.

  “What? They didn’t involve me in it. It was only a minor pact with a minor god. Just something to keep the house from needing repairs.”

  “I don’t want him in my house,” she said. “You have to tell him.”

  “Me? Why?”

  “Because it was your idea to do this.”

  Phil said, “But when I changed my mind, you’re the one who said we should do it. Remember the cat? The freakin’ miracle cat?”

  “I wouldn’t have had a miracle cat if you hadn’t put the idea in my head in the first place.”

  “We both accepted the deal,” said Phil. “We can’t just tell him to leave. It could be dangerous. One month, my dad decided it wouldn’t hurt anything to put off a sacrifice by a day. By next week, the house was infested with termites, the plumbing backed up, the fireplace started belching sulfur into the living room, and all the carpet became moist and moldy.”

  “But he’s a luck god, right? What’s the worst that could happen?”

  “Did I mention the dead rats that filled the attic crawl space?”

  Teri bit h
er lip. “You’re right. I just wasn’t expecting this.”

  “He’s not very big,” said Phil, “and he seems nice.”

  Lucky came back in, chewing on a cold chicken leg. He’d stripped off most of the flesh and was gnawing on the bone. “Is there a problem, gang?”

  Phil and Teri waited for the other to say something first.

  “Can we cut the crap?” asked Lucky. “Let’s be honest, shall we? I’m sensing some reluctance on your part. You were looking for a heavenly benefactor, not a roommate. And now you’re having second thoughts.”

  They nodded.

  Lucky transformed in a flash into a hulking raccoon monster, as big as a bull, with slavering jaws, fearsome tusks, and burning red eyes.

  “Blasphemers!” He stomped his feet with a crack of thunder. “Thou hast rejected thy god and roused mine righteous fury.” He roared, blasting them with his hot breath and divine saliva. “Prepare thyselves for the Hell of Great, Nibbly Agonies and an eternity of great and… uh… nibbly…” Lucky’s burning eyes furrowed.

  “Agonies,” finished Phil timidly.

  He changed back into his raccoon form and winked.

  “You got moxie, kids.”

  “You aren’t going to smite us?” asked Phil.

  “No, I was just having some fun. You should’ve seen your faces. Half-fear, half-confusion. It was like one part of you was afraid for your life and the other couldn’t believe you were about to be eaten by a giant raccoon.” He chuckled. “Priceless.”

  He grabbed the chicken bone, picked off the carpet fuzz, and sucked on it.

  “Don’t worry. I don’t plan on any smiting, though it is well within my rights. But I’m not that kind of god. Never was a casual smiter. Sure, I’ve smote a few mortals in my day. I’m not proud of it, but it was back in the old days. Everyone was doing it, and I just wanted to be cool. But I’m past that sort of heavy-handed disciplinary action. It’s good for a laugh occasionally, but I don’t want to be your god because you’re afraid of me. I want us to be buddies, compadres. Heck, we’re practically family.

  “But I’m not going to force myself on you. I don’t need to. You’ll see the benefits of having me around soon enough. You don’t want to put me up for the night, that’s cool. Though I did notice you have a very nice guest room. But I’ll leave. No smiting. No wrath. Providing you make me a sandwich at least.”

  Teri made a bologna-and-ham offering for their new god.

  Lucky stood beside his luggage on the porch. “Extra mustard. Just like I like it.” He saluted. “I’ll be seeing you, kids. Hopefully sooner than later, but that’s your call. Thanks for the sandwich. Verily, I am pleased. I suggest you check under your couch cushions.”

  A luminous ball of light enveloped the god and his luggage.

  “Wait,” said Phil, “uh, please, sir.”

  The light faded, and Lucky raised a brow.

  “Is there a way you’d prefer for us to contact you?” asked Phil. “Like a special prayer or chant or something?”

  “Oh, right. Almost forgot.” Lucky reached into his pocket and handed them a business card. “You can reach me at this number when you’re ready to commit. But don’t call before noon.” He put on his sunglasses with a smile. “I like to sleep in.”

  The sphere of light engulfed him. He shot skyward and sailed off into the horizon.

  Phil and Teri flipped the cushions, revealing thousands of coins. Enough to cover the entire surface. Mostly pennies, a few dozen buttons, and a handful of coins of foreign currency. There was also a doubloon, an earring Teri had lost over a year ago, and an old key they couldn’t place.

  Phil shook the change jar. “Not a bad exchange for a sandwich.”

  “Maybe we should’ve asked him to stay,” said Teri.

  “You’re the one who didn’t want him here.”

  “I know, but now I feel kind of bad about it.”

  They put the cushions back and sat. “I’m sure it isn’t that big of a deal.” He put his arm around Teri. “I thought for sure he was going to smite us.”

  She laughed. “He seemed like a good guy. For a god. Why would he want to live with us?”

  “He said he was down on his luck,” said Phil. “And I’ve heard that the rent on Mount Olympus is pretty steep.”

  She elbowed him gently in the ribs. “Where did you hear that?”

  “CNN had a special report a few months ago. Did you know that Odin bought a house in San Diego?”

  “Seems a little sunny for a Norse god.”

  “Probably got tired of all that snow.” Phil glanced around the room. “Have you seen the remote?” he asked. “I could’ve sworn I left it on the end table.”

  “I’m sure it’ll turn up, honey.”

  It didn’t. Neither gave it much thought at the time, but it was the beginning.

  3

  The next morning, Teri slipped in the shower. It wasn’t a serious fall, though she did bruise her tailbone and skin her calf on the faucet. Phil’s car had a flat tire, and when he tried to change it, he ended up stripping the lug nuts. Teri gave him a ride to work. She spilled coffee on her lap. It didn’t burn, but it did ruin her favorite skirt.

  “I’ll pick you up around six,” she said as she gave him a kiss. “Love ya, babe.”

  “Love you, too.” He stepped onto the curb, and she pulled away, tearing off the end of his sleeve, which was stuck in her door.

  Grumbling, Phil trudged into the building. Hank, the security guard, remarked on Phil’s appearance. Some kind of joke that Phil didn’t catch, but he nodded and smiled anyway. As he was signing in, the pen broke. More accurately, it exploded, splattering his fingers and shirt with blue ink.

  “Son of a…”

  Hank handed Phil some paper towels. “Looks like you’re having one of those days, huh?”

  Phil dabbed at the mess with the towels, accomplishing nothing. “What?”

  “Hey, we all have them. One of those days when everything goes wrong.”

  Phil lowered the towel.

  “Something wrong?” asked Hank.

  “No, everything’s fine. Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.”

  His cell battery was dead.

  Phil stopped at the row of elevators. People pushed past him, but he hesitated. So far the bad luck had been minor, but he saw no reason to tempt the wrath of his new god by getting into an elevator.

  He took the stairs. One step at a time, very slowly, with a death grip on the railing. He made it to his cubicle without tearing any more clothes or breaking any bones.

  Elliot peered over the cubicle’s edge. “Geez, buddy, you look like hell.”

  “Long story.” Phil searched his wallet, but couldn’t find Lucky’s card.

  “How’d that god search go?” asked Elliot. “Did you and Teri find one you agreed on?”

  Phil nodded.

  “So you did it?” Elliot came around and sat on Phil’s desk. “You actually did it.” Yes.

  “I didn’t think you’d actually follow through with it, buddy.

  I mean, I thought you might, but I was sure you weren’t going to be able to get Teri to commit.”

  “She saw a miracle cat,” said Phil.

  Elliot chuckled. He took a bite of his doughnut. Jelly squirted out and struck Phil in the eye.

  “Dude, I am so sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “How’s it working out?” asked Elliot.

  Phil wiped the jelly from his face. “Not so great. I think I’ve been smote.”

  “Already? That has to be a record.” Elliot tried to act casual, but exited the cubicle, continuing the conversation from a distance. “Should I be on the lookout for lightning bolts?”

  “I don’t think it’s as serious as that,” said Phil. “My god isn’t that type.”

  “Just the same, buddy, you should probably appease him before it’s too late. This kind of thing can get out of hand quickly. Did Teri catch any divine wrath?”r />
  “I think so.”

  “Bet she’s not happy about that.”

  “I’ll let you know.”

  Elliot went back to his cubicle, and Phil dialed Teri’s cell number. She didn’t answer. Her battery was probably dead, too. He decided not to panic. There was no need for it yet. All the smiting had been annoying, a string of bad luck from an angry prosperity god. Nothing life-threatening to this point.

  His imagination worked against him. He could see the wheel coming off her car, sending her skidding into the path of a speeding semi. Or her tripping at the top of a flight of stairs and falling. Or getting electrocuted by a fax machine. Or a million other grim possibilities. It was all luck in the end. If probability had it in for you, there wasn’t much you could do to stop it.

  He pushed aside his concerns and let work occupy his thoughts. He kept glancing at the clock. A minute after she should’ve made it to work, he called. She wasn’t there yet.

  He waited fifteen minutes, then called again. Teri still wasn’t in.

  Phil started getting nervous.

  “Problem, buddy?” asked Elliot, his head poking above the cubicle partition.

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Are you sure? You aren’t typing. Normally, the clickity-click of your keyboard is like a machine gun.”

  Phil’s hands rested in his lap. “It’s fine.”

  But it wasn’t fine. He should’ve listened to Teri when she said no to getting a god. And he shouldn’t have listened to her when she’d said she’d changed her mind. Now she was the victim of an angry raccoon god, and it was all his fault. If he hadn’t brought it up in the first place then everything would have been fine.

  The phone rang. He answered it so fast, he didn’t even realize it was to his ear until he heard Teri’s voice.

  “Phil, has something gone wrong? Are you okay?”

  He slumped in his chair and blew out a calming breath. “I’m good.” He pondered the jelly and ink stains on his shirt as he formulated his next sentence. If Teri hadn’t figured out what was happening by now, there was no reason to upset her. He could appease Lucky on his own time, and she might never know.