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  Contents

  Introduction

  COUNTING MY CHICKENS

  Introduction by Tom Stoppard

  Diaries

  Chatsworth

  Books and Company

  HOME TO ROOST

  Introduction by Alan Bennett

  I Married

  The Land Agents’ Dinner

  The Small Garden

  The Organ Recital

  The Farmers’ Club Dinner

  Derbyshire

  Lagopus Lagopus Scoticus and Its Lodgers

  Writing a Book

  Flora Domestica: A History of Flower Arranging, 1500–1930

  Book Signings and Literary Lunches

  The Tulip

  Unstealables

  John Fowler: Prince of Decorators

  Tiaras

  Auction Catalogues

  Buying Clothes

  The Duchess of Devonshire’s Ball, 1897

  A London Restaurant on Trial

  Edensor Post Office

  The Arrival of the Kennedys in London, 1938

  President Kennedy’s Inauguration, 1961

  President Kennedy’s Funeral, 1963

  ‘The Treasure Houses of Britain’ Exhibition in Washington

  Marble Mania

  Bruce, Mario, Stella and Me

  Romney Marsh and Other Churches

  Sassoon: The Worlds of Philip and Sybil

  Animal Portraits

  Motorways

  Memorial Services

  OFTOF

  Conservative?

  Debate at the Cambridge Union

  Changing Language

  Deportment

  Christmas at Chatsworth

  The Fall and Rise of the Stately Home

  Cold Houses

  Recollections of Ditchley and Nancy Lancaster

  Home to Roost

  NEWLY LAID

  ‘Uncle Matthew’ at The Lady

  The Ballad of the Cappoquin Boathouse

  Beautiful Chickens: Portraits of Champion Breeds

  Acknowledgements

  Introduction

  I was at a loss to know what I could write for the newly-wed Counting My Chickens and Home to Roost – now together in a new cover, happily honeymooning and thinking only of each other.

  I always thought I had not written enough about Ireland in either book, because it played an important part in our lives. Andrew and I spent the month of April there every year, when the magnolias and mimosa we planted were at their zenith.

  In the way of miracles, a couple of weeks ago I opened a letter which gave me just what I wanted; all Irish, more than anything I could have hoped for and all the better for being a surprise.

  I have not attempted to embroider the tale in any way and I could never cap it. It seems too good to be true, but it is true. So I am indebted to my new pen-pal, Richard Baldwyn, for this unexpected bonus that encapsulates the unlikely happenings of the Ireland Andrew and I knew and loved.

  The second new piece in this book was written specially for The Lady magazine’s 126th anniversary issue in February 2011. This august publication was founded by my maternal grandfather, Thomas Gibson Bowles. His grandchildren Tom Bowles and Julia Budworth are still co-owners of the magazine.

  In 1904 my father, David Mitford, was convalescing after being seriously wounded in the Boer War. He had proposed to my mother, Sydney Bowles, with the consent of her father, and in turn Gibson Bowles found my father a job at The Lady.

  Gibson Bowles may have spotted in him a kindred spirit. Their attitudes to life were very similar. My grandfather was a Victorian maverick but clearly multi-talented, as is evidenced by his being a Master Mariner, a publisher (he also founded Vanity Fair) and an MP (for King’s Lynn) – to name but three of his occupations.

  He was very impatient with life. He took a room in a hotel near Wilbury to write in peace – or so he thought – and ordered breakfast for 6 a.m. and a fire to be lit before that. Needless to say, no breakfast arrived nor was the fire lit, so he flew out of his room in a rage and shouted ‘Fire! Fire!’, which brought the whole staff to his bidding. A curious but successful outcome.

  There are strong echoes of my father in this behaviour. He could have done just that, but fortunately his time at The Lady seems to have been more serene and the all-female staff all loved him.

  The titles to my books have developed a poultry theme so it is fitting that the third new piece should be a review of a book about chickens. Recently I was perusing the annual reports of some of the championship classes at several renowned agricultural shows, which are much sought after by the breeders of the poultry and eggs on show. The photographs of the winning owners make you wonder if they are really pleased with their trophies. Usually men, quite often stout with large hands that cling on grimly to the small, flighty birds, they are camera-shy – which makes them look more dour than perhaps they are. I am sure inside their jackets they are glowing with pride, but they certainly hide it from the camera and look as gloomy as pallbearers are trained to be!

  Mrs X’s Large Male and smaller Female are judged Best of Breed, but sadly we aren’t allowed a photo of her. Best in Show can be a problem for the camera. Sometimes the birds are so tiny they look more like sparrows than the champions they are. So intent are the expert wielders of the Box Brownies on finding the right angle to show the best of their beloved feathered creatures that, sadly, the owners are left out. Many birds pose for the photographer like supermodels with their heads at jaunty angles. But some of the prize-winning exhibits try to avoid being snapped by turning their backs like naughty schoolchildren.

  To the layman the language used in the descriptions of these wonderful birds is as obscure as a Russian guidebook. For instance, a general knowledge question: what is the difference between a cock and a cockerel? Answer – the cockerel is the up-and-coming youngster and the cock is an older bird. Then there could be a real complication in the wording of some of the classes they can be entered into – for example, a Duckwing Female turns out to be a hen and even its wing has no resemblance to a duck. It is a mysterious, poetic lingo known only to the specialist fanciers of the rarer breeds of poultry.

  I hope that these additions – including Richard Baldwyn’s uniquely funny story about Ireland – complement the pieces gathered together in this book, all of which were written solely in an effort to amuse.

  Counting My Chickens

  and Other Home Thoughts

  To Sophia Topley and Susan Hill the co-editors with love

  Introduction

  by Tom Stoppard

  Our first house in England was a boy’s bicycle ride from Chatsworth, and we went picnicking there in the immediate post-war years before the house (Chatsworth, that is, not our semi at Calver Sough) was reopened to the public. My prep school, which seemed so poignantly far from home, and Dovedale, a frequent outing for the family and the pre-war Riley, were close to Chatsworth, too, but I never understood the geography until I returned to Okeover, Dovedale and Chatsworth some fifty years later as, respectively, a trespasser, tripper and guest. At the age of eight I fell in love with England almost at first glance, never considering that the England I loved was, in the first place, only a corner of Derbyshire, and, in the second place, perishable. This book of occasional writings by Deborah Devonshire is not intended as a panegyric but the overall effect on me is plangent with lament for a lost domain.

  The effect, I must add, is achieved, not altogether inadvertently, by stories which made me laugh aloud, and by a general impatience with useless nostalgia or, especially, complaint. Debo’s hands are too busy for wringing, her mind too occupied with the present (and the future) to dwell in arrears. And yet, the no
t-so-distant past cannot be kept out of these pages; it backlights the way we live now with our yellow lines, logos, ‘consultants’, quires of forms, and all the prescriptions and proscriptions of officialdom that have put the nannies and busybodies in charge; none of which is rued so keenly here as the rift between country life and town, making the one a mystery and an irrelevance to the other. Here in this book you will find the amazed and disgusted little boy who announced ‘I’ll never drink milk again’ on witnessing the milking demonstration at the Chatsworth Farmyard, and the eco-militant who rang her neighbour in fury to demand ‘Why have you poisoned all your dahlias?’ after an unseasonal frost.

  It’s not funny – or not only funny – to Debo, who also knows which puffball fungi are good eating, and about trees, camellias, sheep, goats, chickens, cookery, housekeeping and shopkeeping and a hundred other things including pictures and ‘the best book on retailing ever written’ (The Tale of Ginger and Pickles by Beatrix Potter). Guided by Miss Potter and her own standards she has made a roaring success of the Chatsworth Farm Shop, whose London outpost in Elizabeth Street, a stone’s throw from Victoria Station if you throw towards Belgrave Square, is the only shop I know where you can find Dovedale Blue Cheese, not to mention Derbyshire manners which are almost an anachronism in the metropolis.

  There is and can be no sentence in this book which sums its author up, but two of those which stay in my mind are: ‘I buy most of my clothes at agricultural shows’, and (on receiving a moss tree as a present) ‘I pulled it to bits to see how it was made’. So, now you think you’ve got her? Far from it. She’s also mad about Elvis Presley. I’ve seldom scored such a success with a house present as I did with a signed photo of Elvis.

  To be in love with Debo Devonshire is hardly a distinction, and my joining this crowded company occurred in the inaugural year of the Heywood Hill Prize for literature, which is presented at Chatsworth. I was invited by Andrew Devonshire to hand over the cheque and stay the weekend, with the added lure of fishing the Derbyshire Wye at Monsal Dale on the Saturday. At that time of year, dinner and the evening rise happen at much the same time, so one has to miss one or the other, and Debo, mindful of the priorities, excused me from dinner. The company, in best bib, tucker and jewellery, were at the pudding stage when I tried to sneak past in my Barbour and gumboots. Debo would have none of it. I was sat down next to her, wellies and all, and my dinner, kept warm under a silver dome, appeared in front of me as if by magic. If there was a moment when the mild torture of writing this Introduction became irrefusable, that was it.

  But is there nothing to be said against our author? Does she disappoint in any department? The slimness of the section titled ‘Books and Company’ gives a clue. As a literary moll, the Duchess is a hoot. Asked to nominate ten books to take on the Trans-Siberian Railway, she gives up after six, including Ginger and Pickles. Her third choice is a book by one of her closest friends, Patrick Leigh Fermor, and a very good book it is, but…‘I am sorry to say I have not read it’. Debo explains this by saying she couldn’t bear not having it still to read. Later we learn that Evelyn Waugh cannily gave her one of his books with all the pages blank and only the title by which to identify it. But redemption is complete when we read that among the books kept in her bedroom so as not to risk being stolen by guests are Fowls and Geese and How To Keep Them, the Quiller-Couch Oxford English Verse on India paper and, ‘most precious’, The Last Train to Memphis: The Rise of Elvis Presley.

  My first recommendation to browsers among the good stories and useful knowledge herein is ‘Road from the Isles’,1 an account of taking a goat by boat and train in wartime from Mull – no, not from bustling Mull itself but from an island off the coast of Mull – to London. It’s a classic vignette of the Mitford spirit; and it is also, to go out where I came in, a song to old-fashioned self-reliance and a reproach to this era of dependence when milking the goat between trains in the Ladies’ First Class waiting-room (‘even though I only had a Third Class ticket’) would bring down five varieties of authority on Debo’s golden head. The goat behaved perfectly and was soon pruning sister Nancy’s garden in Little Venice. (The story first appeared in the hard-to-find British Goat Society Yearbook for 1972, so we must be grateful to Debo’s editors for saving it for the rest of us.)

  Chatsworth, meanwhile, ‘is now more alive than at any time in its history’. Well, we know why.

  Diaries

  The first sentence of a diary given to a nine-year-old child at Christmas, written on New Year’s Day and kept faithfully till at least 10 January, was ‘got up, dressed, had breakfast’. The first sentence of a book is a different matter and very difficult indeed. I have been pondering over this for some time. I asked my sister Jessica what to do. She tells me that in America, if you pay some money, you can get advice as to how to begin and then go on to be a famous author. They say put down ‘the’ on a bit of paper, add some words, keep on adding and Bob’s your uncle (or the American equivalent), you’re off and the rest will follow. It doesn’t seem to work. Just try. So, hopelessly stuck and faced with the empty page, see how other people manage. Lately we have been reminded of ‘I had a farm in Africa…’ ‘I had a farm in Derbyshire’ somehow doesn’t sound as good and anyway it would be a lie because in England things like farms seldom belong to women. Having failed with ‘the’, try ‘and’. ‘And it came to pass’, too affected and you can’t go on in that biblical style. When you open books to see how it is done it seems so easy, set down there in the same type as the rest as if it was no trouble at all, the second sentence flowing out of the first one like one o’clock. Believe me, the writer has suffered over those words. As 50,000 books are published every year the first sentences must add hugely to the level of anxiety in an already anxious race.

  I looked at the television programme about Uncle Harold,2 called Reputations. How strange it is to see his and Aunt Dorothy’s private life trotted out like a story in a film. He would have considered the fashion for such entertainment unspeakably vulgar. And so do I. The point about Dorothy Macmillan was her charm, energy and earthiness; there were no frills. She was one of the few people I have met who was exactly the same with whoever she was talking to, oblivious of their class – something which people keep on about now almost as much as they do about sex. She gave her whole attention, laughed easily, was unread and not smart, and was a tireless constituency worker. I was always told that it was she who won the elections at Stockton-on-Tees. Her time in Downing Street was famous for children’s parties, and the branches, more than flowers, which she dragged up from the garden at Birch Grove in the back of her car. When Uncle Harold was Housing Minister, Andrew, my husband, was president of the Building Societies’ Association. It seemed to be indicated that Andrew should ask his aunt to the annual dinner as guest of honour. She asked, ‘Shall I wear my best dress or the other one?’ The thought of the other one made us wonder.

  Harold was an intellectual and a politician all right, no doubt about that; but the mistake so often made of putting people into categories left him there, and did not allow for his interest in the family publishing business and many different aspects of life, including his devotion to field sports. The press called that the grouse moor image. After he married, his father-in-law expected him to go out shooting, even though he had never before fired a shotgun. Reg Roose, a Chatsworth gamekeeper and a delightful man, was detailed to be his tutor. Uncle Harold was a quick learner. Years later Reg and I watched his performance when large quantities of pheasants flew high across a valley with the wind behind them. ‘Doesn’t the Prime Minister shoot well?’ I said. ‘Yes,’ answered Reg, proudly. ‘I taught him and he’s fit to go anywhere now.’

  When Uncle Harold was ninety he stayed with us for three months. I will always remember his perfect manners. He dined alone with me often, and I am sure he would have welcomed other company. But he talked as if I were his intellectual equal – ha, ha – or another ex-prime minister, and I almost began to think I was. For muc
h of the day he sat in an armchair in his bedroom and listened to tapes of Trollope. (It made me nervous when he dropped off, lest his smouldering cigar should fall into the wicker wastepaper basket by his side.) He once told me of a mistake made by the suppliers of the tapes. ‘I think there is something wrong. They have sent a curious book called Lucky Jim, by a feller called Amis. Have you ever heard of him? I don’t like it much. Must be a very peculiar man.’ He was frail and shuffled down the long corridors at his own speed. He couldn’t find the door to the hall and I heard him mutter, ‘The trouble with this house is you have to throw double sixes to get out.’

  His relationship with President Kennedy was worth watching. The President had never seen anything like him, and you could say the same for Uncle Harold. They struck up an unlikely friendship and were more surprised and more amused by one another at every meeting. They talked endlessly on the telephone – usually in the middle of the night. I used to hear of these conversations from both participants. It was the time when initials of organisations began to be used as a sort of shorthand. One night, after speaking of Castro, they went on to discuss Seato and Nato. Uncle Harold was stumped for a moment when the President said, ‘And how’s Debo?’ When Mrs Thatcher was new to the job he had had for years, she went to see him. ‘Oh good,’ I said, ‘and did you talk?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘she did.’