On Fire - Deelylah Mullin Read online

  She stepped toward Reed, their gazes locked. “You slay monsters every time you go to work. It’s nice of you to indulge him.”

  Reed shook his head. “Elliott’s a great kid. You’ve done a wonderful job with him.”

  “Better get going. If the monster repellant isn’t dry he won’t walk across the floor to get in bed.”

  Reed strode down the hall and Harper collected her empty wine glass and the half full bottle of cider.

  She set the glass vessels on the counter and then began to prepare Elliott’s lunch for the next day. After putting the meal in the refrigerator, she checked his school bag—it was next to the door and contained everything she’d expected it to.

  Harper gathered her planner, a pad of paper, as well as pens and pencils. She put them on the table so they could spread out.

  Elliott is probably talking Reed’s ear off. I should go rescue him.

  As she approached Elliott’s room, she hears him say, “My momma doesn’t get to be with other adults much. She spends all her time with me. We do lots of fun things, but there are some things we don’t do that I want to.”

  “Hrm,” Reed said. “What else would you like to do?”

  “I want to go fishing and ride dirt bikes,” Elliott said.

  “Why don’t you ask your mom to do those things?”

  Elliott thought for a moment before responding, “I did one time and she looked sad. I don’t like it when Mom is sad. PopPop says it’s because my dad liked those things.”

  “Well, if you want to go fishing, we’ll see if I can talk to your mom for us to go sometime.”

  Harper turned the corner and leaned against the doorjamb. “What kind of stories are you hearing, Mr. Reed?”

  Reed grinned. “Nothing I didn’t want to hear.”

  Harper shook her head and said, “It’s a little after nine. Lights out.”

  “Okay, but I need the bedtime song. Mr. Reed should learn it, but you sing it tonight,” Elliott said.

  She looked at her son, brow raised. “Gettin’ pretty bossy, aren’t you?”

  The boy giggled. “I’m wearin’ my bossy pants.”

  Harper laughed and shook her head. She crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed—she and Reed were making an Elliott Sandwich. She imagined doing the same thing, every night, in the future.

  But, there were no guarantees. If she’d learned anything about how unfair life was, it was that little factoid.

  “What’s the bedtime song again? How does it start? I think I’m so old I’m forgetting,” she asked.

  “You know it. You always know it, Momma,” Elliott said.

  “I guess I do.” Harper shifted and then began to sing the lullaby.

  It’s time to close your eyes,

  It’s time to rest.

  It’s time to spend some time

  In a way that’s best.

  You only get

  A little time

  To share your heart

  And let it shine.

  Sweet dreams, my baby.

  Sweet dreams, of rest.

  Sweet dreams my baby.

  You know you’re who I love the best.

  There were two more verses she sang to her son as his eyes got heavy and finally closed. Harper leaned over and kissed his forehead, adding a silent wish that he’d stop being so wise for his years and just be a kid sometimes. It was too hard to hide things from Elliott. She wasn’t ready for him to see the way she felt about Reed, and wasn’t ready to explain why she wasn’t quite ready to let Reed be part of their lives.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “How much did you hear?” Reed asked Harper as they settled on the sun porch with drinks and all the supplies to schedule their co-coaching of a soccer team.

  “Hear when?” Her response was short, clipped. She avoided eye contact.

  Reed sighed. “When I was getting Elliott through his bedtime routine. How much did you hear?”

  The note of annoyance in his voice seemed to shock her, as her eyes flew open and she pegged him with an icy stare. “We were doing just fine before you waltzed into our lives a few days ago. We really don’t need you here, you know.”

  This woman. She’s got some complex about being Super Mom or something equally ridiculous. He put his hand on her arm, which was slack on the armrest of the Adirondack chair. “Thing is, you don’t have to do it alone. I want to spend more time with you and Elliott.”

  Harper’s eyes grew round, her breathing became shallow. “You don’t need to feel obligated to fulfill Elliott’s whims.”

  Reed slipped out of the chair, kneeled in front of Harper. His hands bracketed her face, thumbs stroking her cheeks. He slid a palm to her nape and pulled her toward him.

  She came willingly, without resistance—but the wariness lurked in her eyes and constantly reminded him that she was like a wild animal. He’d need to be gentle, consistent, and genuine—or she’d eat him alive.

  He rested his forehead against hers, and her lids drifted closed. Thick, dark lashes curled against her cheek as she relaxed and her breathing became regular.

  They sat like that for a while before her eyes fluttered open and she peered at him with a hunger he was sure was reflected in his expression. Their mouths sought out the other as effortlessly as magnets drawn by an unseen force.

  But Reed resisted the pull. “Let’s do this schedule, then we can pick up where we left off.”

  “I think that’s a very good idea,” she said.

  Both attempted to concentrate on the printed schedule, but failed miserably.

  Reed caught Harper stealing glances when she should’ve been working on the snack schedule for games. But he couldn’t really talk—he’d only managed to figure out the date for one practice beyond the one in two days.

  He couldn’t focus. What if she thinks I’m just being nice to Elliott to get in her pants? I couldn’t live with myself if she thought that.

  Clearing his throat, he said, “Um, I need to tell you something because I can’t concentrate.”

  Harper looked up from the barely marked paper in front of her. “What is it?” Puzzled, a vertical line appeared in her forehead, just above her nose.

  “I think you’re beautiful—not just physically, but inside, too,” he said.

  “I need to remind you that I don’t date. It’s too hard with Elliott—I’m worried about what’s going to happen when you find someone that will be able to make you happy. When that day comes, and you disappear from our lives, I don't want him to be devastated. He doesn’t remember when his father died, and I never want him to experience that kind of loss if I can prevent it.” She exhaled and seemed to deflate.

  “How are you going to be happy? You spend your days making sure that you plan for every eventuality—anticipating Elliott’s every need. Don’t you think that’s a little overboard? Aren’t you setting him up to have super high expectations for relationships in his own life? What about showing him what a healthy, loving relationship looks like?” The uneasy feeling in his gut returned and he tried to tamp it down.

  “We shouldn’t let this”—she gestured between them—“go any farther. It’s not fair to Elliott to get any more attached to you.”

  “If you won’t let me in, will you at least let me be your friend? I really like you, and I can keep it strictly platonic—though it will be hard to keep my hands off you. And I’ll want to kiss you something fierce, but I’ll control it. Elliott is a cool kid, and I think he needs someone in his life that can do guy things with him,” Reed said.

  She silently regarded him as though she were peeling back all his layers, flaying him and his weaknesses open for everyone to see.

  “I guess. I really like having you around, too. You’re easy to talk to, and even though I’m really attracted to you, it’s best that we’re just friends. I’m far from ready for a relationship,” Harper said as her eyes filled with tears.

  “I think you’re closer than you believe. Are you crying because y
ou can’t stand the thought of caring about someone else who might take Kane’s place or is it because you’re struggling with the idea of never kissing me again? Because I want to weep if I think about never laying in bed with you and listening to your laugh, or never seeing the soft, satisfied smile I saw yesterday again.” He reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and she pressed her cheek into his palm. Reed relished the contact.

  “I’m not going to press you for an answer right now,” he continued, “but you’re going to need to think about what you’re saying here. I think you have a lot of emotions rolling through that pretty little skull of yours, and they’re hard to sort.” He pressed his forehead to hers again. “I’ll be right here when you decide.”

  She whispered, “Okay.”

  Pulling away, he sat back on his heels. “Now that we’ve got that out in the open, let’s finish this up quick-like.”

  Re-situating in the chair, Reed flipped through the calendar on his phone and created a schedule that would show both game days and times as well as practices. Harper would add the snack information when she typed it up to send and distribute to parents.

  Even though he’d agreed things would be on a just friends basis with her, the pull toward Harper was strong and difficult to resist. He hung on every word she uttered, every sound she made, every gesture. He drank them in and committed them to memory.

  Eventually, Harper was satisfied with the snack schedule. “I’m sure someone will be pissed at me over this, but I frankly don’t care at this point.” She shrugged. “It’s a losing battle—I’ve seen parents irritated that they had to arrange for snacks themselves and I’ve seen them pissed that they were assigned a weekend they had other things going on and were inconvenienced to have to switch dates. Definitely a lose-lose situation.”

  “It’s their problem. They could’ve volunteered to coach.”

  She nodded. “Yup. Sucks to be them.”

  Reed smiled. “I’ve got a subject change, unless we have more soccer to discuss?”

  “I’m good—just remember, I’m relying on you for the skills. I’m pretty much a child wrangler in this partnership,” Harper said.

  “You’re more than that, and you know it.”

  They stared at one another for a beat too long and it grew uncomfortable. Reed looked away.

  “Listen, Elliott mentioned that he wants to go fishing. Can I take him sometime?” Reed asked.

  Tears welled in Harper’s eyes. “My dad and Kane used to go fishing together pretty regularly.” She sniffled and wiped at her face with her palms. “My dad hasn’t gone fishing since Kane’s death, and he really used to enjoy it.”

  Reed reached for Harper’s hand. “Listen, I don’t want to step on any toes or anything, but Elliott doesn’t know that, and he doesn’t have that memory. Let me take him, and I think I’d like to invite your dad, too. I like that guy.”

  She smiled. “I like that idea. At the very least, my dad will appreciate you asking him along, even if he’s not ready to go.”

  This sucks. I want to pull her into my lap and hold her while she's sad, while the memories haunting her pick at the scab. He sighed. “Full disclosure. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle just friends. When you tear up like that? I just want to pull you into my lap, hold you tight, and tuck you against my chest until you don’t hurt quite as badly.”

  She whispered, “That would be really nice. Maybe we can take things slowly during soccer season and re-evaluate after that? I don’t know how I’m going to keep my hands off you, either…but it’s complicated.”

  “Do you have to water anything, or do you have sprinklers?” Reed asked.

  “Sprinklers, but I usually check a few things to make sure they don’t need an extra soaking. Let’s walk,” she said as she stood. Then, she reached out for his hand. “I think I might need the moral support for what I’m about to tell you.”

  They strolled into the yard, hand-in-hand, in silence. Reed decided she’d talk in her own time—or she’d decide she wasn’t ready. Either was fine. He was tickled she’d even think about sharing something so obviously personal with him.

  “You know you deserve to not be alone, right? You’ve got survivor’s guilt, and you know your husband wouldn’t want you to feel like this,” he said.

  “In my head, I know you’re right. But my heart? It can’t let go, can’t move forward,” Harper said.

  “I’m willing to be patient; willing to help you.”

  She sniffles again. “I don’t know if you can. It’s like Kane is sitting next to me, reminding me of what we had, how it was ripped away from us by a fucking criminal because drugs were more valuable than my husband’s life.” Her voice, laced with anger, shook.

  They were silent for a few moments as Reed let her words sink in.

  “I’m sorry for my outburst. I usually keep my shit together better than that, now.” Her apology felt forced.

  “Have you gone to counseling? I’m no expert, but from what my own counselor told me, you have signs of survivor’s guilt, like I mentioned before.” He worried whether she’d freak the fuck out because he’d suggested counseling.

  She shook her head. “I haven’t seen anyone about it. Elliott has been the central focus of my life, but with him in school all day, he doesn’t need me as much anymore and it gives my brain time to wander.”

  “I can get you the name of the counselor DFR uses when there’s traumatic experiences in the line of duty, if you like. She seems to have a great handle on what it’s like to be a firefighter which is similar to police work.” Was that a good comparison to make? What if she’s offended by my suggestion?

  “The department gave me the name of someone who specialized in this type of thing—they even said it was part of my benefits and I could use the service whenever I was ready. I think I lost the information, and I’d feel like an idiot calling to ask. I think I’d like to meet this woman. Maybe set up a meeting to see if she can help me work through some of this. Because, you’re right. I owe it to my son to be happy.”

  “You do. And, right now, I have the overwhelming urge to kiss you,” Reed said.

  “I think I’d like that,” Harper said, as she stepped into him, pressing her body against his. “But I’m not sure it’s a good idea.” She tipped her head up, creating the perfect angle for their lips to mesh.

  “I’m not sure I can be trusted to be strong enough for us both on this matter.” Reed’s head drifted closer to Harper’s.

  “I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be weak with,” she said just before she closed the distance between them, sliding her lips over his.

  Reed swept his tongue across the seam of her lips, asking for permission to enter. She granted him access, and they perfected the give and take as their breathing grew shallow.

  Reed’s heart pounded in his chest until he thought it would burst; the hard ridge of his cock pressed into Harper’s hip, and obvious sign of his arousal and the fact that just friends would be a difficult task for him.

  She pulled away, panting.

  “I’d like to continue this inside. We can’t hear Elliott out here,” Reed said.

  Harper smiled. “You’d think the mention of my son would be like an ice bath to my libido, but it just makes me that much hotter for you, because you care and think about stuff like that as much as I do.”

  Reed held out his hand and Harper took it.

  This time, she smiled as they strolled back inside the house, and it was one of the few moments he’d thought he’d seen her content since he met her.

  She was shattered and had been for five long years. But, the fine cracks were healing—he could see it—and even if he only had her in his life for that minute, it would be enough. It’d have to be enough.

  ****

  Harper wondered whether Reed was the one that would give her the happily ever after she’d thought she’d never get. Ugh. Way to be wishy-washy. First, I’m like, ‘I don’t want a romantic relatio
nship yet,’ and now I’m ready to jump his fine ass. The indecision wasn’t like her, and it made her unsettled.

  The house was quiet when they entered from the sun porch. Elliott was a hard sleeper, usually, but she thought it was so sweet that Reed would think about Elliott’s needs before his own that she indulged him. Truth be told, she would’ve let him do her against a tree in the back yard. Which was also unlike her—she’d always been about traditional and about following rules. Maybe it was part of her role as wife of a police officer. She wanted to break all those preconceived notions. Shatter all the illusions about a prim and proper wife. She’d kept herself contained for much too long.

  “Make love with me,” she said.

  Reed pulled her close, slid his hand down her back and grabbed her ass firmly in both hands. “Absolutely. I can’t wait to worship your body again. Watch your expression as you come. See your struggle as you stifle your screams.” A wicked grin spread across his face.

  “I was thinking more like quick and dirty fucking. Did you bring condoms?” she asked.

  Reed blushed. “Three in my pocket. Not that I was expecting to get laid, or anything. It’s more like I wanted to be prepared. There’s nothing I want more right now than to bury myself in your sweet pussy.”

  Harper shivered and then, her panties were soaked with her arousal. She took Reed’s hand and led him to her bedroom. Once he was inside, she quietly shut and locked the door. A moment later, her clothes made a trail to the bed where she lay on her side, beckoning Reed to join her.

  The man still wore all of his clothes and his slack-jawed stare made her giggle.

  “What’s so funny?” he asked.

  “I’m naked and you’re fully clothed. I’m pretty sure that’s not how this works.”

  Peeling off his jeans and T-shirt, he wasn’t wearing a stitch in under ten seconds, and he lunged for her but stopped short. “Condoms.” He picked up his jeans and reached into a pocket, pulling out the foil strip with a victorious grin. He dropped the pants and flung himself next to her on the bed, his erection standing proudly between them.

  Harper fisted his cock and stroked him. “You’re ready.” With her other hand, she reached between her legs and swiped two fingers through her wetness and pressed them to his lips. “I’m ready.”