George Washington Is Cash Money Read online

  let’s focus on a prime example:

  the Cherokee Nation.

  The Cherokees have busted their asses for YEARS

  to make white people like them

  they have taken up farming

  slave-owning

  speaking English

  wearing stupid bow ties

  all the hallmarks of true civilization

  and they rightly expect that as a result of this

  they will be treated by the Europeans

  the same way the Europeans treat each other.

  The problem here

  is that the Cherokees do not know European history.

  All this assimilation means

  that when the order comes down to vacate

  the Cherokees are in a prime position to argue.

  They know the law

  plus they have their own politicians.

  One of them is named John Ross

  he’s the son of a Scotsman and a Cherokee

  which makes him automatically respectable.

  The other guy is named John Ridge

  and is closer to full-blooded Cherokee

  but he went to college and his name is John

  so that at least counts for something.

  So pretty early on, John Ross gets elected chief

  and the first thing he does

  is he draws up a constitution

  and does everything he can to be like “Hey

  the Cherokee Nation

  IS ACTUALLY A FUCKING NATION”

  but Andrew Jackson is still like “Naw”

  so John Ross TAKES HIS ASS TO COURT.

  And he wins!

  The Supreme Court is like “Actually, Mr. President

  it turns out you can’t just issue a proclamation

  declaring that other people’s land is now yours

  it turns out that that’s called stealing.”

  So the Cherokees are like “Ha HA!”

  And Andrew Jackson is like “Well

  if the Supreme Court hates stealing so much

  let them enforce that law.”

  BECAUSE YEAH, ANDREW JACKSON

  THAT’S SO WHAT THE JUDICIARY IS FOR.

  Then he turns around and tells Georgia

  (which really wants the Cherokees’ land)

  to just go nuts and start killing whoever.

  THIS DUDE GETS TO BE ON THE TWENTY

  ALEXANDER HAMILTON IS ON THE TEN

  AND HE INVENTED THE NATIONAL BANK.

  WHAT

  THE

  HELL.

  But John Ross (and most of his tribe)

  are still like “Hell no, we won’t go”

  which is upsetting to John Ridge

  because John Ridge’s dad is pretty rich

  from owning slaves and a cotton plantation

  and doesn’t want to get into a fight with the U.S.

  So Ridge tries to get elected chief

  but John Ross is just like “WHOOPS

  looks like I accidentally suspended elections

  it’s an emergency, bitch, step the fuck back.”

  So John Ridge is like “Okay, fine”

  and then he just goes to the U.S. government himself

  and signs a treaty

  that he has NO AUTHORITY TO SIGN

  giving up the rights to all that tasty land.

  So all the Cherokees are like “WTF, JOHN?”

  and John Ross is like “Don’t worry, guys

  I may have the same first name as that douche

  but I am going to fix this.”

  So he goes the way of the impotent Internet denizen

  and starts a petition

  he gets fifteen thousand signatures

  which accomplishes jack shit

  because on the day congress is supposed to read it

  two senators get into a duel

  and one dies

  and government is canceled for a week.

  This . . .

  this is civilization.

  A few months later, Georgia is like “TIME’S UP”

  and they show up with a big ol’ army

  drag everyone out of their houses

  and force march them eight hundred and fifty miles

  in the dead of winter

  with basically no preparation

  to a shittier spot across the Mississippi

  which they will kick them out of forty years later.

  Naturally, a whole bunch of people die

  and the rest of them are irreparably scarred

  but luckily John Ross manages to cheer them up

  by actually establishing a government for a bit

  and that goes super duper well

  until after the Civil War

  when the Americans are done killing each other

  and decide they need someone else to fuck with.

  So the moral of the story

  is never get between a white man

  and an ocean.

  I AM TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER THE ALAMO

  Okay, so the Alamo happens

  and a bunch of famous dudes die, the end.

  Oh, what, you want more details?

  Are you trying to tell me

  YOU DON’T REMEMBER THE ALAMO???

  Wow, guys

  I knew when I was writing this book

  that I would have to educate y’all a LITTLE

  but your ignorance is staggering me right now.

  Okay, fine, let’s do this.

  So Mexico owns Texas

  and Texas is full of Americans

  but it’s okay

  because up to this point, Mexico has been pretty chill

  what with having a federal government and all

  but then Mexico’s like “Wait a second . . .

  you know what’s better than a federal government?

  A TOTALITARIAN DICTATORSHIP.

  WOOOOO.”

  And Texas is like “Oh no you di-int.”

  To be fair, Texas isn’t alone in this.

  Most people in Mexico are pretty pissed

  and a lot of them fight wars about it

  but of all the provinces that rebel against Mexico

  Texas is by far the loudest about it

  and has continued to be the loudest about it

  all the way to the present day

  so we’re going to focus on Texas in this story

  because if there’s one thing history is short on

  it’s stories about white dudes shooting things.

  So Texas has an army

  and Mexican dictator/general Santa Anna isn’t pleased

  so he gets himself a bigger army

  and stomps into Texas to kill everybody.

  He is headed straight for this town called Bexar

  which is guarded by this fort called the Alamo

  which used to be a mission

  and a hospital

  but is now just a place to shoot guns out of.

  Now, there’s a guy at the Alamo

  named William Travis

  and he doesn’t wanna die

  so he starts calling up any dude he can find

  who might possibly be the general of the Texan army

  (fun fact:

  most kinds of mud

  are better organized than the Texan army at this time)

  and he’s like “Could you help a brother out?”

  and finally he gets in touch with Sam Houston

  who he should have tried first

  since he has a city in Texas named after him

&nb
sp; and Sam is like “Nah, I think you’re screwed.

  Actually I’m just gonna send one of my guys

  to take all your cannons so the Mexicans can’t.”

  And Travis is like “Whoa, harsh.”

  But Houston makes a critical mistake:

  as his cannon-taking emissary

  he selects none other

  than Jim “I got a knife named after me” Bowie

  possibly the least responsible person in the West.

  Bowie shows up at the Alamo

  sees that the odds are impossible

  and goes “Yup.

  Looks like I’m staying here

  along with the soldiers Sam sent with me.

  Hope you guys like dying, because that’s the plan.”

  So the soldiers at the fort elect him commander

  OBVIOUSLY

  and Bowie is like “WOOOO!”

  and goes into town and gets shitfaced

  and then comes back in the morning

  like “It’s okay, Travis

  you can be co-commander.”

  and the whole time Travis is like “What.”

  Then more dudes show up

  the most important being Davy Crockett

  the former U.S. senator/bear-puncher

  who famously claimed he could

  “swallow a Mexican whole without choking

  if you butter his head and pin his ears back.”

  Which is either a threat or a sex thing or both.

  Either way

  Travis quickly realizes shit is getting out of hand

  so he keeps sending out notes like “Please, anyone

  I am going to die in a church full of psychopaths

  send food or something, come on.”

  But all of a sudden Santa Anna is here

  and he has made a new rule

  which is that all Texan rebels now count as pirates.

  He does this to allow himself to auto-execute them

  instead of taking prisoners

  but the actual effect of this declaration

  is to make it so that instead of fighting just cowboys

  he is now fighting COWBOY PIRATES.

  This is a DANGEROUS MOVE.

  Santa Anna hangs out by the Alamo for two weeks

  firing cannonballs into the fort

  which the defenders scoop up and fire back at him

  until finally he’s like “Screw this” and just attacks.

  He has way more guys than the Texans do

  like, ten to one

  plus the Texans are mostly out of ammo and food.

  So what do they do?

  Do they run away like intelligent humans?

  NO.

  They stand their ground

  and club their enemies with their empty rifles

  like HEROES.

  Even Jim Bowie

  who is sick in bed

  (probably from drinking too hard)

  manages to get in on the action

  by just waiting in his room

  and shooting or stabbing every fool who busts in

  until he runs out of bullets/knife

  and they kill him with bayonets.

  I feel like Bowie’s death is a rare example

  of someone who died sick in bed

  of multiple fresh stab wounds.

  Anyway, yeah, all the Texans die.

  What did you think was gonna happen?

  I mean, they kill a lot of Mexicans

  so that’s cool, I guess

  as cool as killing a lot of people can ever be

  and the Mexicans end up so confused and angry

  that they keep firing at the dead bodies

  and at each other, sometimes

  for like fifteen minutes

  until Santa Anna finally has to be like “Uh, hey

  we won!

  Retreat, guys!

  Those dead bodies aren’t getting up!”

  Then he executes all his prisoners.

  So what was the point of all this?

  The Alamo got sacked

  and Santa Anna kept marching

  but

  and this is crucial

  he came out of it looking like a total dick

  for murdering all those starving outnumbered Texans

  and killing the prisoners

  and I’m sure he felt sort of bad about himself

  at least for a little while.

  This highlights the true importance of the Alamo

  as possibly the first recorded instance

  of aggressive passive aggression.

  BRE’R RABBIT IS THE BUGS BUNNY OF FOLK HEROES

  So one thing that happens

  when you get kidnapped from your homeland

  and forced to work for free in a foreign country

  is that you tend to bring your stories with you

  because you need something to entertain you

  while you hate your life.

  The other thing that happens, though

  is that your stories start to get seriously mixed up

  with all the stories in the foreign country you’re in

  so for example

  all over Africa, back in the day

  ladies and dudes were telling stories about tricksters.

  Some of these tricksters were spiders

  some were rabbits

  but all of them were HUGE assholes

  and when these huge imaginary assholes

  found their way to the land of opportunity

  they got mashed together with some Cherokee tales

  and some down-home country agriculture

  and suddenly they were all about a dude

  named Bre’r Rabbit.

  Now, Bre’r Rabbit

  (Brer Rabbit for short)

  is the quintessential motherfucker

  he likes to swagger around

  stealing shit and laughing about it.

  And Bre’r Fox

  (Brer Fox for short)

  is essentially the Wile E. Coyote

  to Brer Rabbit’s Road Runner

  and together

  these two wacky animals

  have a wild and wonderful history

  of getting co-opted by white writers

  who then make a ton of money off of them.

  So, uh . . . allow me.

  One day Brer Fox wakes up like

  “Damn, I really wanna kill Brer Rabbit

  before he steals any more of my stuff.

  Oh man, I have the ultimate plan:

  I’m gonna make a baby

  OUT OF TAR.”

  So Brer Fox buys some tar from ACME

  and mixes it up real good

  and then makes a baby out of it

  and puts a big wide-brimmed hat on the baby

  you know

  like babies tend to wear

  and he places it right in the center of the road.

  The myth says that this was like the cutest baby ever

  but I don’t know how cute a baby can be

  when it is made out of DEADLY TAR.

  ANYWAY

  Brer Fox goes over and hides in the bushes

  so excited about his incredibly stupid plan

  and Brer Rabbit comes whistling along

  and he sees this baby

  and he is like “Whoa

  what is this fine baby doing in the road?

  Hey, baby, how you doin’?”

  and the baby is like

  “. . .”

  so then Brer Rabbit gets kind of mad
/>
  because he likes it when people talk to him

  so he can mock whatever they’re saying

  and he is like “Now, baby

  if you do not immediately start talking to me

  I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.”

  Not even stopping to consider that maybe

  JUST MAYBE

  the tar baby is too young to talk

  or you know

  that it is MADE OF TAR

  No, he just shouts at that inanimate baby

  until finally he gets so mad

  he really does smack it upside the head

  and what do you think happens?

  HIS PAW GETS STUCK.

  So what do you think he does?

  he says, “BABY

  MAKE YOUR FACE LET GO OF MY PAW

  OR I WILL SMACK YOUR FACE AGAIN

  WITH MY OTHER PAW.”

  And the baby does no such thing

  so true to his word

  Brer Rabbit hits the baby again

  and his OTHER paw gets stuck

  and he is like “RRR I’M SO MAD

  MAYBE KICKING YOU WILL HELP???”

  but it predictably does not

  in fact it just makes things much much worse

  so then I guess Brer Rabbit is just like “Welp

  I’ve already fucked up almost as hard as possible.

  Might as well hit this baby with my face too.”

  so he does

  and it is in this undignified state

  that Brer Fox finds him:

  covered in tar with his fists inside a baby.

  So Brer Fox is of course extremely pleased by this

  and is like “Ohhhhh Brer Rabbit

  I have wanted to kill you for SOOOOO LONG.

  I don’t even want to eat you

  just kill you.

  Hmm . . . how should I kill you, Brer Rabbit?

  Should I roast you?

  Nah, too much effort.

  Maybe I should set you on fire?

  No, too similar to roasting.

  What do you think, Brer Rabbit?

  How should I kill you?”

  And Brer Rabbit thinks fast

  and he says

  “PLEASE BRER FOX

  ROAST ME

  FLAMBEE ME

  I DON’T CARE

  JUST WHATEVER YOU DO

  PLEEEEEEEASE

  DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH

  THE ONE RIGHT OVER THERE.”

  Now if I was gonna kill a rabbit

  and a rabbit said that to me

  first of all I’d be like holy shit a talking rabbit

  and maybe question my sanity a little

  but after we’d sorted everything out

  I’d probably just say okay

  and throw him in a fire

  because I am a merciful person