George Washington Is Cash Money Read online

  And everyone’s like “WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY?

  WITCHES ARE BAD?

  YES, WE KNOW

  THAT IS WHY WE’RE KILLING SO MANY.”

  and Cotton Mather is like *shrug*

  But finally, shit gets out of hand.

  Now, I know what you’re thinking

  you’re thinking: Shit was already out of hand

  it was nowhere near the hand

  like here’s the hand

  and here’s Egypt

  and then over here

  in an anonymous hovel in the Gobi desert

  is where you might find the shit.

  And you’re right

  but it was okay up to this point

  because the only people getting killed were poor.

  After a while though

  people just start accusing absolutely anybody

  and one of those people is the governor’s wife

  and the governor is like “Whoa, whoa, hey

  maybe we’re being a little hasty, guys

  how about we uh . . . stop killing witches.

  Yeah, you know what?

  Pardons for everybody!

  Yayyyy!”

  Meanwhile twenty people have been executed

  and five have died in prison.

  So the moral of the story

  is that children are assholes.

  TEA IS FOR WANKERS

  So there’s these dudes in America

  and the reason I am calling it America

  as opposed to the United States thereof

  is because these states are in no way united

  they are about as cohesive a legislative body

  as a shot glass full of sperm.

  But that’s all about to change

  because one thing these dudes DO agree on

  is they really don’t like England

  specifically the king of England

  whose name is George The Third

  which just shows how unfit for command he is.

  What kind of king lets himself be named George?

  If I was king

  I would be named Hugedick Excelsior

  THE FIRST

  BECAUSE APPARENTLY

  NO ONE ELSE THINKS OF THIS STUFF.

  But oh, I should explain why George is a tool

  and in order to do that

  we gotta get knee-deep in that most British of fluids

  that’s right

  TEA

  (I think every country has an official fluid

  like France has wine

  and Russia has vodka

  and Greenland has tears).

  Believe it or not, the British did not invent tea

  they just kinda invented putting tea on boats

  that got it from Asia

  along with every other cool thing.

  The reason this is important

  is that there is only one company in Britain

  that is allowed to import tea

  and that company is known as

  THE BRITISH EAST INDIA COMPANY

  (which I will from now on refer to

  as the Notorious E.I.C.).

  But it’s not that simple.

  See, Britain charges a pretty hefty tax on that tea

  and then the EIC sells it to other dudes

  who sell THAT tea to colonists in America

  who have to pay ANOTHER tax on that tea

  and aren’t allowed to buy tea from anyone else

  all of which adds up to SUPER EXPENSIVE TEA

  which is just like

  what the fuck

  you’re already drinking fucking tea

  and now it’s EXPENSIVE too?

  Fuck tea

  drink 40s.

  But the colonists are desperate for shitty leaf-water

  so they start buying it off of Dutch smugglers

  for like half the price

  and also raising hell about the stupid tea tax.

  They’re like, “Listen, guys

  we didn’t vote for your stupid government

  so stop making us pay money to it.

  We don’t come into your parliament

  and slap the dumb powdered wigs off your heads

  so stop telling us how much to pay for tea.

  Haha, ‘to pay’ kinda sounds like ‘toupee’

  which is basically what those wigs are.

  Seriously you guys look like assholes.”

  Naturally Britain is pretty peeved

  but the colonies are rich and have guns

  so Britain decides to repeal all their recent taxes

  EXCEPT the tea law

  because fuck you, America.

  This kind of defeats the purpose of the repeal

  but they do manage to lower the price of tea

  until it’s ONE CENT cheaper than Dutch tea

  which . . . I mean . . . just repeal the tax, seriously.

  So a bunch of colonists get together

  who call themselves the Sons of Liberty

  and they’re like “You know what

  tea is actually pretty gross

  this was never about tea

  this was actually about fuck you.”

  Meanwhile, the EIC is bringing a huge load of tea

  so the Sons of Liberty get together

  and go around scaring the crap out of tea importers

  to get them to send the ships back

  and they are apparently really scary

  ’cause everybody they talk to agrees to do it

  EXCEPT IN MASSACHUSETTS.

  Massachusetts has this governor, you see

  his name is Thomas Hutchinson

  and he is a tea-loving, British-sympathizing douche

  whose sons run most of the tea-importing in Boston.

  So as far as he’s concerned

  that shit is getting IMPORTED.

  Enter Sam “Samuel” Adams

  he’s a Bostonian rabble-rouser

  who brews his own beer

  and is completely furious about this tea thing

  so basically

  this is a dude who just likes to get fucked up

  (or who doesn’t like taxation without representation

  whatever, same diff).

  Sammy calls a meeting

  and a bunch of Sons of Liberty show up

  and they’re like “Hey, boat guys

  you better not unload all that tea!”

  and Thomas Hutchinson is like “Hey, boat guys

  you better unload all that tea!”

  and the boat guys are like “Aaa, aaaa

  we are so confused and more boats keep showing up

  what do we do???”

  and Sam Adams is like “I dunno guys

  I guess it’s out of my hands.

  WINK.”

  And then BAM

  a bunch of dudes in Indian costumes

  (because yes

  that’s apparently still where they think they are)

  are all over those boats

  whooping and yelling and chucking tea into the water

  thus cementing the American preference for coffee

  while simultaneously inventing the rager

  and all the boat guys are like “Phew”

  and eventually an ultraconservative party

  names itself after this event

  but it’s a political party, not a fun party

  and they don’t throw any tea in the water

  so all they get out of the association

  is the ability to make “
tea-bagging” jokes

  which is really more of a net win for their enemies.

  So the moral of the story

  is if you are having trouble deciding

  between two equally shitty options

  there is always a third option:

  throw everything in the ocean.

  THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, OR: MUCH ADO ABOUT FREEDOM

  Now, if there’s one thing that pisses off Brits

  it’s wasting their tea

  so when the Sons of Liberty dump it all in the bay

  King George and Co. get mighty angry

  and in a stunning display of passive-aggressiveness

  they pass a bunch MORE terrible laws:

  1. The port of Boston is now closed

  2. Massachusetts doesn’t get a government

  3. Royal employees basically can’t go to jail

  4. British soldiers can sleep in your house

  and finally, the most terrible provision of all:

  5. CANADA GETS MORE LAND.

  Now, as we all know

  hatred for Canada is a proud American tradition

  (except when you don’t like who the president is

  or you’re on the run from the cops

  or you need health care)

  so naturally the colonists gotta do something

  and do something they do

  . . . eventually.

  Remember when I said everyone agrees

  about how King George is a dick?

  I lied. Not everyone agrees.

  No one agrees on anything.

  That is the secret of America.

  But there are some dudes who are mad eager

  to MAKE everyone agree.

  One of them is named John Adams

  (the less sexy brother of Sam Adams)

  and he is so gung ho about independence

  that he is prepared to go to WAR for it.

  But before he goes to real war for it

  he has to go to POLITICAL war

  which is like real war

  except less like real war

  and more like planning a party

  where all the guests hate each other.

  So think of it like this:

  Adams and some of his bros

  (that is, Tom Jefferson and Ben Franklin)

  are planning a rager called the Continental Congress

  (exactly as sexy as it sounds).

  They invite everybody they know

  because if they don’t invite someone

  it’s just gonna be a whole lot of drama

  and meanwhile, the cops

  (that is, the British Empire)

  are on their way to SHUT THIS PARTY DOWN

  so dudes gotta move fast if they wanna get drunk

  (that is, establish a fair and independent government).

  So delegates from all these colonies show up

  and pack their sweaty bodies into a single room

  in the middle of summer

  to try to compose a sensitive political document

  and SURPRISE, SURPRISE, they start fighting.

  Pennsylvania and Maryland are like “Naw, dudes

  no way are we going independent”

  and New York is like “Seriously, guys

  I would love to vote for independence

  but my government won’t let me”

  and John Adams is like “Don’t be weenies

  tell your parents/governments/constituents

  to just piss off”

  and Maryland and Pennsylvania are like “Make us”

  and John Hancock is like “Whoa, guys, calm down!”

  (Hancock is president of the Continental Congress

  which really just means he sits in a big chair

  and tells everyone to calm down.)

  So Adams is like “Okay, how about this:

  We don’t declare independence tonight

  but I write a REALLY mean letter

  about how we’re GONNA declare independence

  eventually.”

  And Pennsylvania is like “Fine whatever,”

  but Maryland just says “Fuck this” and leaves.

  But John Adams won’t be so easily discouraged.

  He grabs a bunch of his brother’s good beer

  rolls up his ridiculous pantaloons

  and starts sending out another round of invites.

  So everyone shows up

  because the last party sucked

  but at least it’s something to do

  and GUESS WHAT?

  EVERYBODY’S STILL BICKERING.

  Pennsylvania is all “Aaaa, I dunno

  maybe we should invite France first

  in case shit gets nasty with the cops”

  and John Adams is like “Dudes:

  Right now, this party we’re having

  we’re kinda throwing it at our parents’ house

  like, while they’re out of town

  France is not gonna show up for that shit

  France is way too cool for that

  we need to be able to tell them it’s OUR house

  then we can have rad parties all the time

  and pay whatever we want for tea.”

  and Pennsylvania is like “Well

  my royal government just exploded, so I’m in”

  and Maryland is like “Okay, fiiiiiine”

  and New York is like “Guys, I’d really love to

  but I have to talk to my government first

  and they’re out of town right now

  and they won’t be back for like a month”

  so everyone else is like “Wow, you’re such a baby.

  Fine, we’ll vote without you.”

  Thus commences the party-within-a-party

  known as the “Committee of Five.”

  As the name implies, it has five dudes

  but only three that history really cares about:

  Ben “Big Dick” Franklin

  Thomas “Violent J” Jefferson

  and John “Not Samuel” Adams.

  Everyone wants Adams to write the Declaration

  but he’s like “Naw, get Jefferson to do it

  I’m tired of revolutionizing America for a bit.”

  So Jefferson throws something together

  in like two weeks

  and everyone agrees that it sort of sucks

  so they revise the hell out of it

  which TJ doesn’t like because he’s a little diva.

  The final version looks something like this:

  THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

  AHEM:

  Y’ALL ARE BEING DICKS

  AND YOU DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO STOP

  SO WE OUT.

  SINCERELY,

  JOHN HANCOCK

  (and a bunch of other dudes with smaller names)

  So yeah, after all that shit John Adams did

  the biggest and sexiest name on the Declaration

  belongs to some rando dude

  whose only historical achievement

  is signing his name real big

  which just goes to show

  that if all you want is to be remembered forever

  calligraphy is way easier to learn than politics.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON IS CASH MONEY

  If you like America

  then you probably love this next dude

  (if you don’t like America, then wow

  why did you buy this book)

  this is the dude who invented being president

  the dude who is literally money
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  the dude who has more monuments dedicated to him

  than he has real teeth.

  Yes friends

  I am talking about George Washington:

  AMERICA’S DAD.

  George is born back in colonial times

  to a pretty rich family of planters in Virginia

  and from the moment this kid is born

  he just gives ZERO fucks.

  Like one time he sees a cherry tree

  and he’s like “FUCK THAT TREE”

  and he chops it down

  for no better reason than he has an axe that can do it

  and then his dad is like “WHO DID THAT?!”

  and George is like “ME.

  WHATCHA GONNA DO?”

  Some people say that didn’t actually happen

  but even if it didn’t

  it’s the sort of thing he would do.

  But George is more than just an axe-swinging maniac

  he is also really, really tall

  taller than everyone

  (people were hella short in the past

  so this was not hard)

  and the British take one look at this tall son of a bitch

  and they’re like “MY WORD

  LET’S MAKE THE BIG FELLOW A GENERAL.”

  So George ends up commanding a thousand dudes

  during the French and Indian War

  which is basically over who gets Ohio.

  He’s an okay general

  his guys are pretty disciplined

  except once

  they accidentally shoot sixteen British dudes

  so that’s embarrassing.

  Which is prolly why George doesn’t stay a general.

  After the war, he goes back to just being wealthy

  and owning slaves and marrying for money.

  You know, the American way.

  And he gets mad rich this way

  just growing plants out of the ground

  and selling them to dudes who put them on boats

  which is probably why

  when the British start imposing all these crazy taxes

  on things that come and go on boats

  George is like “NUH UH.”

  The cool thing about being a rich landowner

  is that you don’t really have to do work

  so you are free to show up to every political meeting

  and make your opinions on taxes heard

  so when the Continental Congresses start happening

  George is all up in there

  wearing a military uniform

  to let everyone know he is ready to kill for cheap tea

  and since pretty much everyone at the meeting

  has been over to his house for dinner at some point