Swamp Happens: The Complete Swamp Bottom Series Read online

  Swamp Happens

  The Swamp Bottom Collection

  K.A. Ware

  Cora Kenborn

  Copyright © 2020 by K.A. Ware and Cora Kenborn

  Cover design by Bite Me Graphic Design

  Editing by KC Fernandez

  Formatting by Twisted Pen Publishing

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

  The following story contains mature themes, strong language, and sexual situations. It is intended for adult readers.

  This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchase for your use only, then please return to your e-book retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in the work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.

  Created with Vellum

  For our Swamp Bitches.

  Thank you for your support and enthusiasm for this perfectly dysfunctional family.

  #LongLiveKJBC

  Playlist

  Author’s Note

  The Swamp Happens playlist is primarily compiled of songs mentioned in the collection by the characters. We agree the selection is very…interesting, but then again, so are the Dubois sisters. By the way, you can blame Addie for all the Taylor Swift songs. She’s a huge fan. We recommend listening to the Swamp Happens playlist as you read.

  Price Tag - Jessie J, B.o.B

  Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood

  Cry - Faith Hill

  Coming Home - Avenged Sevenfold

  We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - Taylor Swift

  I’m Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado

  Womanizer - Britney Spears

  Ghost - Ella Henderson

  Kick The Dust Up - Luke Bryan

  Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max

  Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

  Cowboy Casanova - Carrie Underwood

  So What - P!nk

  Gorilla - Bruno Mars

  Lose You To Love Me - Selena Gomez

  Dancing Queen - ABBA

  High - Whethan, Dua Lipa

  The Wild One - Suzi Quatro

  Issues - Julia Michaels

  Mean - Taylor Swift

  Love So Soft - Kelly Clarkson

  Blinding Lights - The Weekend

  All By Myself - Céline Dion

  Sorry - Justin Bieber

  Whole Lotta Trouble - Stevie Nicks

  Here Without You - 3 Doors Down

  Just Give Me a Reason - P!nk, Nate Ruess

  Jesus Take The Wheel - Carrie Underwood

  With Arms Wide Open - Creed

  Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar

  Party In The U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus

  Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry

  Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks

  Ex’s and Oh’s - Elle King

  Booty Hopscotch - Kstylis

  TiK ToK - Kesha

  Pony - Ginuwine

  Criminal - Fiona Apple

  This Is How We Roll - Florida Georgia Line, Luke Bryan

  Friends In Low Places - Garth Brooks

  Truly, Madly, Deeply - Savage Garden

  The Luckiest - Ben Folds

  F**kin’ Perfect - P!nk

  Jealous - Nick Jonas

  Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyoncé

  Love Story - Taylor Swift

  I Hope You Dance - Lee Ann Womack

  Full Circle - Aerosmith

  Contents

  Introduction

  FRONT PORCHES & FUNERALS

  1. There Are Bats In The Bayou

  2. Glances and Other Stolen Things

  3. A Date With The Colonel

  4. A Proper Homecoming

  5. Resting Bitch Face

  6. Deconditioned Responses

  7. Roadside Assistance

  8. Second Chances For Third Wheels

  9. Highway To Hurricanes

  VOODOO & VODKA

  10. Project Stickectomy

  11. Roodoo Doll

  12. Saved By The Pope

  13. Special Delivery

  14. Natural Progression

  15. Righting Wrongs

  16. A Change in Latitude

  17. Old Friends

  18. Fine Isn’t Fine

  19. Babs In The Box

  20. You Got Served

  HOOK-UPS & HANG-UPS

  21. Wake-Up Call

  22. Picture Perfect

  23. Wildflowers

  24. Duck Number Twenty-Seven

  25. Backyard Revelations

  26. Pick A Lane, Addie

  27. A Dubois Love Orgy

  28. Liquid Courage

  29. Shooting Stars

  30. A Surprise Proposal

  BLUE LINES & BOATMEN

  31. Meet The Popes

  32. Purely Textual

  33. The Demise of Addie-Light

  34. My Kind of Perfect

  35. A Formal Inquisition

  36. Switzerland

  37. Deep Waters

  38. A Patrol and Summons

  39. A New Alliance

  40. An Alternate Universe

  41. Flags On The Moon

  42. Killer Swamp Bees

  43. Last Straws

  PINK LINES & PANIC

  44. Dirty Little Secrets

  45. Verbal Bitch Slap

  46. Giddy-Up

  47. Confessions

  48. Cracked Nipples

  49. A New Routine

  50. Intimate Gestures

  51. Hello, Gummy Bear

  52. Three Brides and a Baby

  53. Hand On The Bible

  54. Potty Pong

  55. The Escape Clause

  DIVORCE & DENIAL

  56. DEFCON-1

  57. Frequent Flier

  58. Vegas, Baby

  59. A Friend In Need

  60. Tag, You’re It

  61. Heads Or Tails

  62. Ex’s and Oh’s

  63. The Mile High Club

  64. Pillow Talk

  65. Pep Talks

  66. All Aboard The Party Train

  67. A Kink With Cuffs

  WARRANTS & ONESIES

  68. Designated Drivers

  69. Jail Break

  70. Face The Music

  71. Accidental Confessions

  72. Truly, Madly, Deeply

  73. Here Comes The Bride

  74. An Official Escort

  75. Happy Birthday

  76. Mr. and Mrs. Pope

  77. Boob Fruit Blues

  78. Party Crasher

  79. Mary Krismas

  80. Peace on Earth

  81. Yes

  82. Back To Basics

  Epilogue

&
nbsp; Acknowledgments

  About K.A Ware

  About Cora Kenborn

  Follow K.A Ware Online

  Follow Cora Kenborn Online

  Also by K.A. Ware

  Also By Cora Kenborn

  SWAMP HAPPENS

  The Swamp Bottom Collection

  Adelaide

  I always prided myself on being the responsible one. The perfect princess. The voice of reason in what was usually my sister’s chaos.

  That was before I threw it all away for the parish bad boy. After he threw me away, I raised a middle finger to the bayou and didn’t look back.

  Years later, I married prince charming and have everything I’ve ever wanted—until the silver spoon is ripped away, and my prince turns out to be just another cheating jackass.

  Forced out of my self-imposed exile, I have no choice but to crawl back to the one place I turned my back on.

  Savannah

  Trouble always found me. I figured you only lived once, so carpe diem. Besides, my sister worried enough for both of us.

  That was before I before I stole a van, became a felon, and seduced my arresting officer.

  I’m a mess, and all I have to show for my life is a string of loser ex-boyfriends and a warrant. I used to dream of seeing the world. Now I dig in the cushions for loose change.

  Cutting my losses, I hit the road. Facing my past won’t be easy, but sooner or later, I guess swamp happens.

  Introduction

  The Swamp Bottom Novella Series

  Dear Reader,

  Welcome to our Swamp Family!

  The Swamp Bottom Novella Series originally published as seven individual novellas in 2017. We think it was 2017. Honestly, both of us have kind of blocked that year out so we’ll get back to you on that.

  Anyway, the series kicked off February 19th with the release of Front Porches and Funerals. Every six to eight weeks (and six to eight bottles of wine) a new novella was released, recapping the end of the previous book, telling a new story, and ending with a small tease into the next installment.

  And by small tease, we mean an OMG cliffhanger. We know how much y’all love those.

  For years, fans of the Swamp Bottom Series have been asking for a compilation of all seven novellas. We heard your requests and offer you this collection, re-edited, re-covered, and re-formatted.

  While Swamp Bottom can now be read as one complete book, we wanted to pay homage to the novellas that created the lovable and dysfunctional Dubois family. That’s why we still broke the chapters up by original book and included the original (albeit slightly updated) blurbs.

  Babs would’ve wanted it that way.

  Now, grab a drink, sit back, and get ready to travel back to that rickety front porch where it all began.

  Ya Ya!

  K.A. and Cora

  FRONT PORCHES & FUNERALS

  Book One #swamphappens

  Adelaide and Savannah couldn't wait to leave the bayou. While one of them dreamed of plantation life and country clubs, the other just hoped for a new adventure.

  However, the Dubois sisters soon realize the grass isn’t always greener beyond the bayou, and when a death in the family calls them home, they have no choice but to belly crawl back to the town they both turned their backs on.

  They say you can’t go home again.

  But when you’re broke, down on your luck, and wanted in two states, it’s the only place left.

  The good thing about hitting swamp bottom?

  There's only one way to go.

  1

  There Are Bats In The Bayou

  Adelaide

  Shreveport, Louisiana

  The maximum sentence for first degree murder in the state of Louisiana was either the death penalty or life imprisonment without the opportunity for parole.

  Trust me, I’d done the research.

  Standing over the refreshment table in the parlor of Sugarbirch Plantation, I pondered the consequences of both while listening to the incessant chatter of the Caddo Parish Ladies’ Auxiliary Club.

  “I swear, Ashley, I almost fainted when I realized they’d discontinued my china pattern.”

  Left eye twitch.

  “Hush your mouth!” Ashley fanned her face as if Courtney just announced she had two weeks to live.

  Right eye twitch.

  Courtney shook her head and eyed the room. “When I asked to see the manager, the sales girl acted like she didn’t know me.” She threw her head back and laughed. “As if everyone in Caddo Parish doesn’t know the Carrington family.” She stopped to take a sip of her lemonade as I glanced longingly at the locked liquor cabinet.

  If only.

  I allowed myself the occasional glass of wine with dinner, but today, I’d gladly slug moonshine right out of a canning jar just to get through lunch with Shreveport’s elite.

  Ashley widened her perfectly lined eyes and leaned in for more gossip. “What did you say?”

  “Honey, what could I say?” Courtney continued, dabbing her cotillion-pink painted lips. “The poor girl was so backwoods, when she talked, sticks fell out.”

  First degree murder is the killing of a human being.

  Maybe there was a loophole in Louisiana legislature? Technically those bitches weren’t human beings. Maybe a jury would be sympathetic and give me a medal instead of the chair for slipping rat poison into their sweet tea?

  There couldn’t be a law against murdering the prophesied antichrist, right?

  Redirecting her attention, a smile curled Courtney’s mouth. “Adelaide, I love the remodeling you’ve done.” She licked her lips and stared into the hallway with the look of a starved wildebeest. “The detail work is just so…exquisite.”

  I moved behind her and gripped the silver serving tray with both hands to keep from beating her with it. Forcing a smile, I shoved it under her sculptured nose. “Petit four?”

  Or maybe you’d prefer my husband’s dick?

  She wrinkled her nose. Or tried to, at least. Who knew with Courtney. After the last round under the knife, it looked like the blunt end of a pencil eraser. “Ugh, I can’t eat those. I’m on a diet.” She nodded toward the hallway again. “We all can’t be as fit and trim as Roland.”

  The way she drew out the R in his name made me want to cram every petit four, five, eight, and twelve down her throat until she choked. However, as appealing as homicide sounded, I’d last all of ten minutes behind bars before having a stroke. Plus, I’d never been in trouble in my life. My best bet was to keep them focused and Courtney away from Roland long enough to finish the meeting.

  Grabbing a notepad, I settled on a wingback chair, and smoothed my A-lined yellow dress with one hand while tapping a pen against my thigh with the other. “On the agenda, we have the annual golf tournament. We need to pick this year’s charity to receive the proceeds.” I had one in mind already and bit my tongue, waiting for the right time to slip it in the conversation.

  “We could always re-sod the yacht club,” Ashley offered, examining her nails with a bored face. “It’s embarrassing to walk across spray painted peasant grass to get to the docks.”

  My head throbbed. These women weren’t my friends. They weren’t even my enemies. They were nothing. I didn’t care about them, and they didn’t care about me. I wouldn’t even serve on the stupid committee if Roland didn’t harp on the fact that a Bordeaux female had sat on the executive board for generations.

  Lucky me.

  Plus, my options included either diving into charity work or spending every day aerobicizing my ass and making small talk with the gardener.

  His name was Gerald.

  He was forty-nine and had three kids and one grandchild. He loved NASCAR, cheeseburgers, and the monthly Victoria’s Secret catalog. Way more than I knew about the man I’d been married to for ten years.

  “I was thinking more like supporting the Boys and Girls Club in Highland.”

  The room went silent as every threaded brow rai
sed and waxed chin tilted my way in pity.

  Courtney’s lip curled up. “Oh, Adelaide, bless your heart.”

  I may not have been born in Shreveport, but I had Cajun blood and was no idiot. Bless your heart meant fuck you in Southern.

  Life without parole started to sound pretty tempting.

  “What’s wrong with the Boys and Girls Club in Highland?” Rarely did I push issues, but kids were important to me. Not that I’d ever have any of my own.