Romancing the Shadow Read online

  More praise for Romancing the Shadow

  “Romancing the Shadow has changed the way I perceive myself and the people I love. It’s brilliant, compassionate, and challenging—providing readers with a structure through which they can reconnect with their spirit. I use it now to examine every character I am and every character I write about.”

  —Sheri Reynolds

  Author of The Rapture of Canaan

  “The secret is out: all of us, no exceptions, have qualities we won’t let anyone see, including ourselves—our shadow. If we face up to our dark side, our life can be energized. If not, there is the devil to pay. This is one of life’s most urgent projects.”

  —Larry Dossey, M.D.

  Author of Healing Words

  “Throughout this book we are invited to undertake the ordeal and passion of discovering the richness in our individual darkness, thereby creating soulful and expressive lives. The authors restore us to ourselves.”

  —Deena Metzger

  Author of Writing for Your Life:

  A Guide and Companion to the Inner Worlds

  “This book is a great help to anyone trying to tune in and listen to the voice of the soul. At last, a practical mysticism!”

  —Coleman Barks

  Poet-translator of The Essential Rumi

  “This fascinating work not only offers an accessible exploration of the mysterious dark side of human nature but also provides tools for a more authentic way of living.”

  —Body, Mind, Spirit

  “Replacing murky psychological language with easily understood stories and characters, Jungian psychotherapists Wolf and Zweig offer myth-based modern parables for reconnecting with our ‘dark’ sides.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “The shadow is, by definition, often overlooked. This is a definitive work on the topic that helps us grow into greater authenticity and experience our full humanity.”

  —Dan Millman

  Author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior

  “Romancing the Shadow is a wide-ranging and eye-opening treatment of a complex subject.”

  —Values & Visions

  “Romancing the Shadow is a must for those seeking greater self-knowledge and compassion for others.”

  —Jack Canfield

  Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul series

  “This is a timeless, inexhaustible book, to be read and re-read, as valuable to the knowledgeable person as to the personally motivated. It is practical and thorough, packed with fascinating information that leaps off the page into the reader’s life.”

  —The Association of Humanistic

  Psychology: Perspectives

  A Ballantine Book

  Published by The Random House Publishing Group

  Copyright © 1997 by Connie Zweig, Ph.D., and Steve Wolf, Ph.D.

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

  Ballantine and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following to reprint previously published material:

  Coleman Barks and Maypop: “The Guest House” by Jelaluddin Rumi from Say I Am You, translated by John Moyne and Coleman Barks, published 1994 by Maypop. Reprinted by permission of Coleman Barks and Maypop.

  HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.: Excerpt from “Sometimes a Man Stands Up …” from Selected Poems of Rainer Maria Rilke, edited and translated by Robert Bly. Copyright © 1981 by Robert Bly. “A Man and a Woman Sit Near Each Other” from Selected Poems by Robert Bly. Copyright © 1986 by Robert Bly. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

  Hardie St. Martin: “Throw Yourself Like Seed” by Miguel de Unamuno from Roots and Wings by Miguel de Unamuno, translated by Robert Bly. Reprinted by permission of Hardie St. Martin.

  Threshold Books: “The Minute I Heard” by Jelauddin Rumi from Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks, originally published by and reprinted by permission of Threshold Books, 139 Main Street, Brattleboro, VT 05301.

  Viking Penguin and Laurence Pollinger Limited: “Healing” by D. H. Lawrence from The Complete Poems of D. H. Lawrence by D. H. Lawrence, edited by V. de Sola Pinto and F. W. Roberts. Copyright © 1964, 1971 by Angelo Ravagli and C. M. Weekley, Executors of the Estate of Frieda Lawrence Ravagli. Reprinted by permission of Viking Penguin, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc. and Laurence Pollinger Limited for the Estate of Frieda Lawrence Ravagli.

  www.ballantinebooks.com

  Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 98-96663

  eISBN: 978-0-307-55948-7

  v3.1_r1

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  INTRODUCTION TO SHADOW-WORK

  OUR STORIES

  Connie’s story: a tale of shadow-work

  Steve’s story: a tale of shadow-work

  CHAPTER 1. ME AND MY SHADOW Meeting the Shadow: Abusers, Abandoners, Addicts, Critics, Thieves

  Romancing the shadow: King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table

  Tracing the roots of the shadow in personal psychology

  Defending ourselves with shields: power, sex, money, addiction

  Tracing the roots of the shadow in culture

  The shadow as redeemer: finding gold in the dark side

  CHAPTER 2. THE FAMILY SHADOW: CRADLE OF THE BEST AND THE WORST The missing ingredient: family soul

  Sins of our fathers and mothers: shame, envy, depression, anxiety, addiction, and self-hate

  Family secrets: the sacrifice of authenticity

  Shadow sisters/shadow brothers

  Sexual shadows: incest and initiation

  Money shadows: inheritance, self-worth, and greediness

  Leaving the family home: cultivating individual and family soul

  CHAPTER 3. A PARENT’S BETRAYAL AS INITIATION INTO SHADOW The father’s son: reclaiming feminine shadow

  The mother’s son (the puer): reclaiming masculine shadow

  The mother’s daughter: reclaiming masculine shadow

  The father’s daughter: reclaiming feminine shadow

  Reclaiming masculine and feminine soul

  CHAPTER 4. LOOKING FOR THE BELOVED: DATING AS SHADOW-WORK Shame and the single person

  Single women and the shadow

  Single men and the shadow

  An archetypal perspective on dating

  Dating: the shadow’s search for shelter

  A story of dating as shadow-work

  Sex, money, and power shadows

  Sexual shadows: erotic intoxication and risky behavior

  Money shadows: success objects and successful fathers

  Power shadows: victims and victimizers

  Introducing crises of commitment

  Crisis of commitment: when to have sex

  CHAPTER 5. SHADOW-BOXING: WRESTLING WITH ROMANTIC PARTNERS Meeting the Other: projections hit their targets

  Compensating the Other: two parts make a whole

  Partners as parents: the psychology of love

  Partners as gods: the archetypes of love

  The breakdown of projections: meeting the witch and the tyrant

  Power shadows: shaming, deprivation, and entitlement

  Sexual shadows: demanding and withholding intimacy

  An archetypal perspective on romance

  When relationships end: the shadow’s moving target

  Redefining successful relationship: From shadow-boxing to shadow-dancing

  CHAPTER 6. SHADOW-DANCING TILL DEATH DO US PA
RT The Third Body: the soul of the relationship

  Meeting the Beloved: taking projections home

  French and Turkish: the art of conscious communication

  Crisis of commitment: moving in, becoming engaged

  The ex-spouse complex

  Crisis of commitment: the shadow marriage

  Power shadows: anger and depression, withholding and witchiness

  Sexual shadows: compulsions, affairs, and demon lovers

  Money shadows: from dating to commitment

  Crisis of commitment: having a child

  Relationship as a vehicle for soul work

  CHAPTER 7. SHADOWS AMONG FRIENDS: ENVY, ANGER, AND BETRAYAL The loss of the loyal friend

  Soul friends/shadow friends

  Meeting the Other: friends as parents, friends as gods

  An archetypal perspective on friendship

  Women and men as friends: dangers and delights

  Sexual shadows: triangles and loyalty wars

  Power shadows: superiority and inferiority

  Money shadows: shame, class, and the myth of equality

  Racism and addiction between friends

  Redefining successful friendship: a vehicle for soul work

  CHAPTER 8. THE SHADOW AT WORK: THE SEARCH FOR SOUL ON THE JOB The loss of soulful work: the myth of Sisyphus

  The promises of shadow-work: nurturing soul on the job

  A portrait of the new employee: a Sufi tale

  Meeting the shadow of workaholism: overcoming the inner tyrant

  Meeting the Other in a company hierarchy: healing family patterns

  Meeting the Other in a collaboration: taking projections home

  An archetypal perspective on work

  Power shadows: denying power, abusing power

  Sexual shadows: corporate harassment and sex in therapy

  Money shadows: the mistaken grail

  Redefining successful work as soulful work

  CHAPTER 9. MIDLIFE AS DESCENT TO THE UNDERWORLD AND ASCENT OF THE LOST GODS Meeting the shadow at midlife: the promise of renewal

  Midlife as the emergence of new priorities: Steve’s story

  Midlife as descent to the underworld: Connie’s story

  The call of the Self: Inanna’s story

  The changing of the gods: reimagining midlife depression

  Bodily symptoms as shadow speaking

  Reclaiming the unlived life: the resurrection of lost gods

  EPILOGUE

  A SHADOW WORK HANDBOOK

  WHO’S WHO IN GREEK MYTH: FROM APHRODITE TO ZEUS

  NOTES

  BIBLIOGRAPHY

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  About the Authors

  INTRODUCTION TO SHADOW-WORK

  Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.

  —RAINER MARIA RILKE

  In Oscar Wilde’s only novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray, the central character, Dorian, a beautiful, vain young man in nineteenth-century England, sees a painting of himself that is startlingly handsome and without a blemish. Suddenly, he desires to remain youthful and perfect forever, with no sign of aging or imperfection. To this end, he makes a pact with the devil: All signs of his aging and degeneration, even evidence of his greed and cruelty, would from then on appear on the painting rather than on his own face. And the painting gets hidden away, never to be seen by anyone. But from time to time the young man’s curiosity gnaws at him. He cautiously pulls the picture out of the darkness and takes a quick glance, only to see the youthful face growing more and more hideous.

  Each of us is like Dorian Gray. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world; a kind, courteous demeanor; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that do not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy—hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame—and those behaviors that are deemed wrong by the culture—addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency—thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just behind our life, or just beside it, but as distinct from the one we know as a stranger.

  This stranger, known in psychology as the shadow, is us, yet is not us. Hidden from our awareness, the shadow is not a part of our conscious self-image. So it seems to appear abruptly, out of nowhere, in a range of behaviors from off-color jokes to devastating abuses. When it emerges, it feels like an unwanted visitor, leaving us ashamed, even mortified. For instance, when a man who views himself as a responsible husband and provider is suddenly taken over by a dream of freedom and independence, his shadow is speaking. When a woman with a health-conscious lifestyle craves ice cream and feels compelled to binge in the dark of night, her shadow is acting out. When a normally kind mother belittles her child, her shadow is showing. When a pious priest sneaks off to find a prostitute in a back alley, his shadow is erupting.

  In each of these instances, the individual’s persona, the mask shown to the world, is split off from the shadow, the face hidden from the world. The deeper this rift and the more unconscious the shadow, the more we experience it as a stranger, an Other, an alien invader. Therefore, we cannot face it in ourselves or tolerate it in others. Whether this invasion takes the form of such self-destructive behaviors as addiction • eating disorders • depression • anxiety disorders • psychosomatic disorders • severe guilt or shame • or whether it takes the form of such destructive behaviors toward others as verbal abuse • physical abuse • sexual abuse • marital affairs • lying • envy • blaming • stealing • or betrayal, it brings pain and crisis in its wake. It introduces us to the Other, the one within who feels as if it cannot be tamed, who seems as if it cannot be controlled. It shakes us out of complacency, making us feel unacceptable, anxious, irritable, disgusted, outraged at ourselves.

  A woman may shake her head and say to herself, “I can’t believe that I had unprotected sex with that man. I wasn’t myself last night.” Or a man may hang his head and say, “I was drunk. It was the wine that made me say those mean things. It will never happen again.” But the meeting with the shadow has occurred. Meeting the shadow in ourselves is disquieting because it tears holes in our masks. It causes us to act irrationally and feel ashamed, embarrassed, unacceptable, regretful—and to quickly deny responsibility for what we said or did.

  THE CHALLENGE OF ROMANCING THE SHADOW

  Denial is entrenched because the shadow does not want to come out of its hiding place. Its nature is to hide, to remain outside of awareness. So the shadow acts out indirectly, concealed in a sour mood or sarcastic remark. Or it sneaks out compulsively, camouflaged in an addictive behavior. Therefore, we need to learn how to catch a glimpse of it when it appears. We need to sharpen our senses to be awake enough when it erupts. Then we can learn to romance it, to coax it out, to seduce it into awareness. Like a coy lover, it will recede once more behind the curtain. And again, with patience, we can invite it out to dance. This slow process of bringing the shadow to consciousness, forgetting, and recognizing it again is the nature of shadow-work. Eventually, we can learn to create an ongoing conscious relationship to it, thereby reducing its power to unconsciously sabotage us.

  Romancing the shadow is subversive: The culture teaches us to be extroverted, quick, ambitious, productive. Workaholism is lauded; contemplation is shunned. But shadow-work is slow, cautious; it moves like an animal in the night. It moves us against the collective mandate to think positively, be productive, focus outwardly, and protect our image.

  The shadow is a demanding taskmaster: It requires endless patience, keen instinct, fine discrimination, the compassion of a Buddha. It r
equires one eye to be turned out toward the world of light, while the other eye is turned in toward the world of darkness.

  To live with shadow awareness is to turn away from the peaks toward the valleys, away from the heights and the rarified air, toward the depths and the dark and the dense. It is to turn toward the unpleasant thoughts, hidden fantasies, marginal feelings that are so taboo. To live with shadow awareness is to move our eyes from up to down, to relinquish the clarity of blue-sky thinking for the uncertain murkiness of a foggy morning.

  As psychotherapists, we have helped hundreds of clients catch a glimpse of their elusive shadows. Seeing it—meeting the shadow—is the important first step. Learning to live with it—romancing the shadow—is a lifelong challenge. But the rewards are profound: Shadow-work enables us to alter our self-sabotaging behavior so that we can achieve a more self-directed life. It expands our awareness to include a wider range of who we are so that we can attain more complete self-knowledge and eventually feel more genuine self-acceptance. It permits us to defuse the negative emotions that taint our loving relationships so that we can create a more authentic intimacy. And it opens the storehouse of creativity in which our talents remain hidden and out of reach. In each of these ways, shadow-work permits us to find gold in the dark side.

  In this book we offer the fundamental skills of shadow-work that are needed to move from meeting the shadow to romancing the shadow as a way of life. Romancing the shadow means reading the messages encoded in the events of our daily lives in such a way that we gain consciousness, substance, soul. Romancing the shadow means meeting the shadow for a private rendezvous; eventually, it means taking it seriously enough to learn to embrace it in a long-term relationship.

  Of course, some people find this shift distasteful, even abhorrent. Why not simply behave properly, they ask, shape our attitudes, cut and trim our feelings so that they fit moral, ethical, god-given outlines? Then white is white and black is black, and the struggle with grays can end.