Learning to Stand Read online

  “We did.”

  “Alexandra,” John rolled to his side to look at her. “You haven’t had any alcohol in three weeks. Max and Raz are accommodating but not enjoying your need for decaffeinated coffee. And, I may not know a lot of things, but I know this body, your body.”

  Slipping his hand under her pajamas, he cupped her breast. His thumb ran over her nipple.

  “Your breasts are full and more sensitive. You’re softening around your face, your hips… in all womanly places.”

  Alex rolled to her back to avoid looking at him.

  “I’ve been waiting for you to tell me,” John said. “I thought you’d want to tell me.”

  “You’re a solution oriented person. You’ll want to make decisions and I… I needed some time.”

  “Why does Raz know?”

  “He hacked into the doctor’s computer. I was… upset after my doctor’s appointment and wouldn’t tell him.”

  “Let’s start with how,” John said.

  “After we spent the day cleaning blood, flesh and decay off the floor of the vault in Paris, Raz went to see his Parisian lady friend.

  “Clarissa.”

  “Right. He left me in the bath.”

  “I rang while you were in the bath,” John said. “You spoke with me and Max.”

  “I remember.”

  “You seemed all right, just tired. But something happened?”

  “I started crying.” Alex closed her eyes at the memory. “I’ve read about this kind of thing happening in my Psych texts. A person dissociates feelings during a crisis. After calming down, the feelings come back.”

  “Like what happened when you were held hostage?” John asked.

  “Different. This was emotion. No memories. No sensations. Just a flood of sadness. I collapsed in the middle of our sitting area.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I couldn’t. It’s hard to imagine but I was that upset. Before he left, Raz ordered dinner for me. When room service arrived, they called the agent that was handling us. You remember him, don’t you?”

  John nodded.

  “The agent called a doctor.”

  “CIA doctor?”

  “Yes. The agent waited for the doctor then went to get Raz. By the time Raz arrived, the doctor had given me a shot and I was calm, kind of blank. The doctor told Raz to give me a shot every morning and every night. Raz stayed with me to make sure I was all right.”

  “So it’s his baby?”

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  “Alex, he knows you’re pregnant. He was there in Paris. You slept together in Paris.”

  “We shared a bed. He didn’t want me to be alone because I’m not any good in the dark alone. You’re the one who told him, ‘Don’t leave her alone in the dark.’ That’s what you told Raz. I was a month behind on the map phone. I’d planned on working at night so he could see Clarissa.”

  John’s face flushed. He looked away from her.

  Staring at the ceiling, she felt a wave of futility overcome her.

  Failing. She was failing again.

  Pulling the covers around her chin, she steeled herself for the rest of this conversation.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I haven’t known what to think. I should have asked rather than jumped to my own conclusions. I’ve been a jerk.”

  “I understand. I’m sorry I haven’t told you.”

  “You were telling me how you got pregnant.”

  “The CIA doctor gave me a chemical which messes with the depo shot. It’s supposed to decrease my cortisol level. Raz gave me a shot in the morning and one at night. Remember? We called them ‘zombie shots’ because I was so numb.”

  “I remember,” John said. “He said it was...”

  “Vitamins. That’s what the doctor told us. Bodybuilders take it so he called it ‘vitamins.’ It wasn’t. My brand new gyno, Janelle? She talked to the doctor. My handler told the doctor I was the only one who could do what I was doing. The doctor thought the drug would allow me to get through the week. It probably did. He didn’t know I was on the depo shot. So that’s how.”

  “We’re pregnant. You and I.”

  Alex gave him an exasperated look. Biting back the nasty comment that lingered on her tongue, she nodded. When she looked up, John was watching her.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because...” Alex let out a breath. “The baby is not...”

  She had practiced the words in her head a thousand times. When it came time to say them out loud, she couldn’t say them. She looked at his sincere blue eyes and concerned face. Turning from him, she stared at the ceiling.

  “You can tell me.”

  She turned to him.

  “He has chromosomal damage. Janelle expected me to miscarry before now. Plus I’m…”

  “He?” The word burst from John’s lips.

  “Simon,” Alex whispered. “I named him Simon.”

  “Alex, we…”

  Turning her face back to ceiling, she raised her hand. He stopped talking.

  “I know what you’re going to say. We can’t keep him. Children conceived on the depo shot live less than a year. How can we bring a being so damaged into this world? I know. I know. I know.”

  She knew what should be done. She simply couldn’t bear doing it.

  “I’ve killed a lot of people… adults… who were trying to kill me. But I can’t kill him. I can’t kill him. I just can’t so don’t tell me to.”

  “Why is Raz upset?”

  “He feels responsible.” She rolled onto her side to look at him. He stroked her face. “He knows how much I want a child. And...”

  “That’s why you didn’t tell me.”

  “You’ll want to do what’s right.” Alex shrugged. “But what feels right is to let him live, as long as he can, and let God decide.”

  “God. Yes, well. You’ve spoken with Father Seamus?”

  “No way. He’d find some way to tell Mom.” Alex curled her lip at the idea of her mother getting involved in this situation. Shrugging off her mother induced irritation, she added, “I spent an afternoon with Brother Keith at the friary.”

  “You worked in the garden at the Capuchin Franciscan friary one day last week,” John said. “What did Brother Keith say?”

  “He said the Pope is very clear on this subject but God is less clear.”

  “Sounds like Brother Keith.”

  Speaking no louder than a whisper, she continued, “He asked me what I would do if a loved one was mortally wounded and suffering. Would I end his pain? Or let God decide? By keeping Simon, was I being compassionate or selfish? God would want me to be compassionate.”

  John’s eyes caressed her face. With his hand at the side of her face, he leaned forward to kiss her.

  “It’s a terrible burden to carry alone. May I share this burden with you?”

  Alex looked up at him. Her eyes scoured his face looking for anger or judgment. She saw only love on his beautiful face. Burying her head in his shoulder, she sighed.

  “What’s it like to be pregnant?”

  “Weird, fun, exciting. It’s like a little butterfly lives in my diaphragm.”

  “You’re not tired or sick?” he asked

  “No. I feel… excited.”

  “We talked about having kids when we were first married.”

  “That was a long time ago and… well… we don’t have kids.”

  “We’ve been kind of busy.” John chuckled. “My school, your work, my work, your injury, your work, my work...”

  “How do you feel about all of this?”

  “I feel… a lot of different things. Relieved. I’m an idiot, but I convinced myself you were pregnant with Raz’s baby.”

  “Why would you believe that?”

  “He loves you. You love him. It’s not such a stretch.”

  “He has a vasectomy, John. You arranged for Emily to do the procedure.”

  “I did.” John’s eyes flicked bac
k and forth from her face. “So you’re saying you and Raz...”

  “What is wrong with you? Of course not.”

  She rolled away from him to stare at the ceiling. He pulled her back to his shoulder.

  “You’re not the same,” he said. “That’s the easiest way to say it. You haven’t been the same.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “In some ways? You are stronger, more fun, wild like you used to be before you were injured. You aren’t depressed anymore. That is for sure. But in other ways? You’re distant, cooler. I’m terrified you’re closer to someone else or maybe you don’t want to be with me.”

  She smoothed his curly hair.

  “I’m exhausted,” she said. “We’ve done one stupid project after another.”

  She fell silent.

  “You know that,” she said.

  “I do.”

  “I’m not right, you know, in my head. God, Eleazar is dead and yet his presence is in every corner of my life. I don’t have a home. My bees are still at the old property. Everyone expects me to be strong and capable but I’m not strong… or capable... I’m supposed to be a leader... I completely suck at it. All I have is a pile of uninteresting work.”

  She fell silent. He stroked her shoulder.

  “I feel like there’s no safe place to rest my head,” she whispered.

  Pulling her lips into a tight line, she wished she had not let the thought out of her head.

  “You have me.”

  “Yes, my husband who thinks I’m fucking my partner.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean for my insecurity to injure you.”

  Alex shrugged.

  “I’m still… recovering…,” John said. “Yes, recovering is probably the best word. I’m recovering from losing you last fall. I thought I would never see you again. I...”

  Alex nodded watching his eyes fill with unshed tears.

  “I love you,” he said.

  She smiled.

  “How is it for you to be pregnant?” she asked.

  “Oh, as usual, I want to…”

  “…control everything,” they said together. They laughed.

  “I’m excited and very sad. I knew we couldn’t keep him…”

  “Because of the depo?”

  “Because of the depo. But, oh I don’t know. It’s so… normal to be pregnant. Last year, we’ve had a real church wedding in front of our families and friends. Now we’re pregnant... It’s like we’re normal people.”

  John smiled. Alex looked up at his face and they laughed.

  “And finally you’re barefoot and pregnant,” John said. In a flood of speech, he began: “And our lives will be entwined forever. He’ll be beautiful with his mother’s brown eyes and my brain. And he’ll grow big and strong. He will laugh all the time like his mother. We’ll take him to the park to play on the swings. We’ll buy car seats and baby clothing. Your breasts will get huge. I’ll work to support us. And...”

  He stopped talking when she sniffed at a tear. He rolled onto his side. Holding her face, he wiped her tears with his thumbs.

  “And I wouldn’t be me. And you wouldn’t be you. We’d live someone else’s life.”

  “That’s what you want.”

  “Never. I want you. I want to be me. You?”

  “There’s a little Catholic girl inside me who wants all of that and more,” she said. “But I’d never be happy. Never. And Simon won’t live. I… I don’t think I can have babies. So it’s all a dream.”

  “A nightmare, sounds like.”

  “I guess so,” she said. “I do love you, John Kelly.”

  “I’m so very glad. How much time do we have?”

  “About a half hour,” she said.

  He slipped on top of her. He caught her lips then work his way from her face. She gasped at his teeth pulling on her nipple.

  He stopped. Pushing himself up onto his elbow, he looked up into her face.

  “Simon? You named my son, Simon?”

  Alex laughed.

  F

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Four hours later

  Wednesday morning

  March 26 – 5:45 A.M. MDT

  Military Intelligence, Buckley Air Force Base

  After rounding up Raz, Vince, Troy and Matthew, Alex’s Sergeant reminded her that she forgot Sergeant Larry Flagg.

  Again.

  And where was Sergeant Flagg?

  He didn’t answer his home phone or his cell phone. Matthew dropped by his home on his way to base. Sergeant Flagg wasn’t at home. Figuring he’d show up, they once more forgot Sergeant Flagg. Certainly, there was plenty of work to do.

  About an hour later, the Denver Police called. Sergeant Lawrence Flagg had been picked up for driving under the influence with a blood alcohol of 0.45. Because his blood alcohol was so high, the police took him to Denver Health for detox. Alex’s cell number was the only number he could remember this morning. Of course, the Denver Police would be happy to release him to her custody but Major Drayson needed get him.

  Dressed in her winter gear, Alex left the men with detailed instructions on what they needed to resolve while she was gone. One last, ‘Get to work’ and she wandered down an early-morning quiet hallway. Turning into a long still hallway, she felt alone in a quiet world.

  “Where ya going?”

  Alex yelped with surprise. On guard, she turned in place to see a large, muscle bound man. He laughed at Alex’s response. Even in his heavy winter gear, his barrel chest and twenty inch arms were apparent. Smiling, his tear drop tattoo scrunched into the brown skin near his left eye.

  “Gotcha,” Trece said.

  “Andy! I thought you and Chris were out of the country.” Alex was swallowed in a muscular hug.

  “We’re a part of your team, Major,” he said.

  “So where’s Chris?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “Getting coffee for you,” Trece said.

  Alex turned to see an equally muscular man trot down the hallway with a travel mug in his hand. Beaming at Alex, his near albino skin and pale blue eyes glistened under the florescent lights.

  “Here you go, Alex,” White Boy said.

  “What do I owe this privilege?” Alex asked.

  “We are hoping you’ll request us for this project,” White Boy said.

  “I sent the request a couple hours ago,” Alex said. “How did you...?”

  “We have our ways,” Trece said. He winked at Alex. “Where ya going?”

  “Pick up Sergeant Flagg at Denver Health. He got a DUI last night.”

  “That’s mighty unbecoming,” Trece said. “Isn’t he an officer?”

  Alex curled her lip at Trece.

  “Are you going to…” White Boy started.

  “Kill him,” Alex said.

  “Now Alex, that’s mighty violent,” Trece said. “I’d offer to kill him for you but...”

  Alex laughed.

  “Can we come with you?” White Boy asked. “We hear there’s a contract...”

  “You look like you could use our company,” Trece talked over White Boy. “We are your favorite White Boy and Trece.”

  “I think you’re the only White Boy and Trece,” Alex said.

  “See the coffee worked,” White Boy said.

  With the two men beside her, Alex walked to her Jeep CJ.

  “I can’t believe they didn’t blow this car up,” White Boy said. “How long you had this?”

  “Since high school,” Alex said. Pulling up to the guard gate, she added, “Don’t tell anyone but this is the only car I can drive.”

  The men laughed. Friends for over a decade, Alex and Jesse met them in the mess hall in Bosnia. Trece and White Boy laughed, workout and generally cheered Alex and Jesse through the rest of the tour. They celebrated Jesse and Alex’s acceptance to Special Forces school. They arrived ready to party not moments after Jesse and Alex graduated. Throughout her career, Trece and White Boy would pop up at the oddest times: stuck in Bagdad durin
g ‘shock and awe;’ in the middle of a sandstorm in Afghanistan; two days after she married John and just now, when she had been told they were out of the country and couldn’t get back for a week.

  As always, she was happy for their inane company.

  She’d hoped to get them a hundred percent of the time. For now, forty percent of their time would have to suffice. Of course, since Trece talked one hundred percent of the time it felt like she had him one hundred percent time.

  Turning into the parking lot at Denver Health, she snorted at her joke.

  “You’re not as funny as you think you are. I however am much funnier than...” Trece held the entrance door for a woman. “Well, hello.”

  While Alex and White Boy continued through the door, Trece stop at the door to flirt with the nurse. Alex spoke with the Denver Police then the doctor. She signed papers, and even arranged Larry’s bail, before Trece caught up with them.

  “That was a sweet honey,” White Boy said.

  Trece beamed his acknowledgement of the sweetness of the woman. Alex opened her mouth to ask what took him so long then decided she didn’t want to know. She closed her mouth

  “She has a sweet friend,” Trece said. He held up two phone numbers. “Perfect for some lonely visitors.”

  “When have you been lonely?” Alex asked.

  “Could happen. Could happen,” Trece said. “Well hello…”

  He and White Boy stopped to watch a nurse walk by. Blushing, the nurse waved her fingers at the men.

  “Where have you been? Siberia?” Alex asked. She showed her ID to a policewoman near the nurse’s station. The policewoman pointed toward Larry’s door. “You’re randy even for you!”

  “Desert,” Trece said. “Did you know there is a war going on?”

  “Two.” Alex wrinkled her nose at him.

  “Three really,” White Boy said.

  Alex stood in front of Larry’s door.

  “Well hello...” Trece said to a passing nurse.

  “Why don’t you stay here and I’ll deal with Flagg?”

  “Great idea.”

  “Do not leave this door,” Alex said. “No bathrooms, no...”

  “We’ll keep it zipped at least until we leave the hospital.” Trece smiled his alter boy smile.