Dear Mona Lisa... Read online

  “Hello, Tommy.” His little grave always had flowers, from Mum or me. I don’t think Kathy visited much, which was right because life went on. In my mind, Tommy was always a little boy, though of course he never got past being two hours old.

  Losing Kathy’s little baby was a terrible blow, the worst of my life. Kathy and I had stared at the doctors and midwife and then I was ordered to leave. I didn’t though because by then Kathy was screaming, a horrible sickly yellow. They didn’t care much about feelings back then. I was summarily dragged out and walked the whole way home alone as dawn broke. I’d looked for foxes and the birds, desperate to find him somewhere in that void. I’d heard a baby cry in the dawn chorus, or maybe it was just the shock. It was down to me to tell my parents, and then I had to get rid of all the teddies and clothes waiting in our room before they let Kathy home.

  “It’s judgment on you.” Dad said. “You even buggered that up.” Words I would never forget.

  “Get away with you. Weren’t meant to be,” Mum muttered. “Leave him alone.”

  We buried him with my books of drawings and stories of foxes and birds. I suppose it was stupid but I liked to think at least he had colour when that tiny coffin went down into the earth. For a while, there was no brightness in our house or my head. No colours at all. That’s when Kathy and I had stopped going top and tail and instead would snuggle up and cry. I doubt either one of us would have got through that time if we hadn’t been together. We loved him so much, that baby.

  “Poor little mite.” Loz squeezed my hand. Tommy and this place were a part of my life, so naturally, I’d brought him before. “How old would he be now?”

  “Couple of years older than Lou. Funny to think of him grown up.”

  “It’s so sad, darling.” He shook his head, and we had a quick kiss. I probably wouldn’t if there was anyone around, because after all, I wouldn’t be upsetting people.

  “I’ll think of you on Saturday,” I told the grave. “And take you some piccies. Love you. I wish you were coming.”

  “Bye, Tommy. I’ll look after your daddy.” Loz smiled. Love, it was a massive word, but still not enough to say how much it meant that he understood.

  “Let’s go to the Lion on the way back. Quiz tonight.”

  “Are you sure?” He looked sideways towards me. “We don’t have to if there are other things you’d rather be getting on with.” Phoning Lou, he meant.

  “Mm,” I said.

  “Is it that you don’t want her to know what your parents did?”

  His comment almost blinded me. I looked away towards the moor and tried to catch my breath.

  Judgement...You even buggered that up.

  “Yes. In a way.”

  “But there’s no need for her to find out, is there, love?”

  I pulled him into the ginnel near the pub, with the weeds, wild flowers and the smell of summer. Years ago, Kathy and I came here to try out cigarettes. There was no one about. “Too clever, you are,” I whispered into his ear, remembering to cut the wiry hairs beginning to grow outward. I wanted him to myself, very badly. I wanted to step into his tangerine and not come out again.

  Something that had been building was about to pop.

  “Darling—is it that you think she’ll blame you for marrying Kathy?”

  “Yes.” It was something I knew I’d never sort out in my head even after all the therapy. “In a way.” I grimaced. “I hate saying it, but things were different then. At least they felt different, to me.”

  “But you didn’t have a choice, not really—you were little more than kids, for god's sake. And you loved Kathy. Lots of marriages never have that much.” He was right. “You looked after each other and you always will. You do know your dad was wrong, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” He didn’t exactly have it, but I hoped he’d leave it now and we could have a pint in the pub and do the quiz. I rubbed my ears, trying to hear the pop.

  “He was bloody well wrong. Tommy dying had nothing to do with you or Kathy!”

  “I know.” Oh god. He was on a roll.

  “It’ll be ok, you know.” I nodded, relieved. Could taste that pint, gluten free of course. I made to leave the ginnel, but he pulled me back. “But, darling. Do you think it’ll—spoil her memories? That she might think maybe her childhood wasn’t the way she remembers?”

  I thought of Dad, and air left my mouth in a gurgle. “What if she thinks we didn’t want her? That she was second best?” The words spilled out and then I couldn’t stop. “Or that we had to have her to stop people talking?”

  What if I buggered up another one?

  “Oh, darling!” He tugged my hands, hard. “That girl is a lovely young woman. She’s kind and sensitive and thinks of other people. You know she’s like her dad? There’s no way she’d ever think that.”

  “But what if? It’s my job to protect her, and look out for her. That’s what dads do.” I don’t say the words mine didn’t. “I couldn’t bear it, Loz. I couldn’t lose anything of her. It’s not only mine to tell, either. It’s Kathy’s and her parents—both sets of grandparents! What if she ends up hating all of us and loses her entire family?” It left me hollow, and cold. I leaned against the wall. “What if I—bugger her up?”

  What if?

  He looked at me a while, frowning with worry. “Remember when she took her first steps?”

  “Yes. It was out the garden.”

  “And her first day of school?”

  “Yes, of course I do.” She hadn’t cried, but I did. Not in front of her or the other parents, but soon as I got to work, I shut myself in the loo and bawled. Hikmat offered tissues under the door, and then we’d had a bawl together because his daughter had started school too.

  “And the day we dropped her off at Uni—did you think she wouldn’t cope?”

  “I worried, a lot.”

  “You did.” He nodded vigorously. “But you left, and we drove home. Because—” he prompted.

  “Because I want her to see the world and meet people. I want her to do whatever she loves, and to be happy.”

  “Exactly. Because you trust her to find her way. And did she?”

  “Yes, she did. In the first year she had so many boyfriends, and took drugs I expect, and got drunk. Remember those awful photos she sent where she looked stoned? Then it calmed down, and she got into her course. She became a brilliant artist and got the highest marks of all her year group. And now she’s got a top job in Paris. I’m so proud of her.” My voice wobbled. “My little girl.”

  “And she did all that because you trusted her, and let go. It was a risk, but you took that risk for her. You and Kathy gave her the confidence to do all those things. Your parents, too. Even your dad.” He kissed my cheek gently. “You have to trust her with this, too. Trust her—not the words of a bitter man spoken in anger years ago.” He smiled deep into my eyes, looking. But there was nothing left to find except me and the fresh smells of summer. A bird chirped loudly, telling us to stay back from the nest.

  POP.

  “You’re ready to tell her, aren’t you?”

  “How do you know that, clever clogs?”

  He smoothed a hand across my forehead. “Because I’m clever clogs.” He kissed my nose.

  “Come on. Let’s go and win the quiz.”

  Chapter five

  When dawn broke over the moor, the sky cracked open to release all the colours of the coming day. On some mornings, you could tell it was likely to be a bad one because of the yellow. Others, it was nothing special. Just occasionally, maybe twice a lifetime, you knew something phenomenal was about to happen.

  My stomach had me up four times during the night. It rumbled and burnt along with the faint buzzing of my phone still trapped in the drawer in the spare room. I peered behind the blinds, already knowing the sky would be flooded with orange and pink, marvellous as an ancient painting. It only looked so imperfect and right about twice a year and thank god for that because who could cope with the stress
? The last time was back when I proposed.

  I rubbed my stomach, and then I heard it. Mixed in with the clear orchestral birdsong a baby laughed. It bubbled out across the street then up into the bathroom. “I hear you,” I whispered.

  It was the dawn’s invitation.

  Silently, I padded into the spare room to take up my phone and then was unsure where would be best to sit. I didn’t want to wake Loz, but on the other hand, I bloody well did.

  “What do you think?” I whispered to the birds.

  My stomach made the decision. I ended up perched on the bath with my phone clutched. I could see the dawn from the little nearby window, brilliant and fierce; neither good nor bad. “I’m going to,” I told the rabbits.

  The phone indicated she'd rung ten times since I left my message from the Park.

  For a while, I rocked soundlessly and tried to breathe in the floaty essence of Loz.

  “Any minute now,” I told Foxy. And then my cold, shaking fingers tapped on her name. It rang a few times only, as if she was sitting there holding it ready.

  “Dad?” She sounded far away and not quite right. The rawness of the sky leaked across the bathroom and on to my toes.

  “It’s me.” I turned the cold tap on and off.

  “I tried to ring you back earlier. Have you smelt the dawn? The orange and peach?” She was talking too fast, mixing everything up. The words rushed past then flew around the room leaving multi-coloured dots, funny and beautiful.

  “I’ve got something to tell you,” I said, in broken words and odd sounding noises. Stupid phrase, of course I had something to tell her because why else would I be ringing in the middle of the night? But oddly my stomach was finally quiet; leaving the dawn and my daughter Lisa Louise, and me.

  “Yes?”

  Some of the sky fell from my eyes and dropped onto the bathroom floor.

  “Dad? It’s ok. Keep going.” Her voice wobbled forewords and backward like the tears. “Don’t you stop! You keep going—please—keep going. Dad? You hear that dawn and you keep going! Keep bloody going!”

  My fingers tingled inside my head, or perhaps it was the rushing.

  “The wedding—there’s our wedding—me—Loz—Lawrence—my Loz...” I sobbed, which was not anything a child should see. The words got louder and brighter into a shout. “We’re getting married on Saturday and I wanted to tell you. I love him, and I love you, and I’m marrying him and please will you come? My darling?”

  The orange pink burst...fireworks exploded from the whooshing. Loz appeared at the door holding himself together barely by covering his mouth with one hand.

  “Oh my god, thank god,” he said quietly, dissolving onto his knees in tears.

  “Thank you,” Lou sobbed. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wait right there. I’m coming over.”

  ****

  It only took her fifteen minutes to arrive which meant she'd been staying at Kathy’s, waiting. She hurtled from the car across the green in front of our cottage then straight into me. For a while, not much was said but there were no misunderstandings or anything of that kind. There didn’t seem to be any outrage either.

  Happiness and relief ripped people open sometimes.

  “I knew when I saw the dawn,” she said finally, sitting squashed between Loz and me on the sofa. “I knew you’d see it too.”

  “You were up all night?” Loz was still crying a bit. “Waiting for him to call?”

  “Yes. I kept telling the stupid phone to ring.” She laughed. “It’s going to be the best, best, day of our lives.” She glanced at Loz and winked. Clearly, something was there. He grinned back. “Dad? You don’t mind if I help Loz with the arrangements? I’ve got a few ideas.”

  I kissed her hair, short and spiky now, though it seemed yesterday it was princess bunches with strawberry bobbles. “I don’t think I’ll mind anything, ever again. You don’t hate it? About me?” The words got stuck in the rattling. “I know I should have explained.” Suddenly I was exhausted, completely wiped out and only held together by the two people touching me. The years vanished since the last time I did this and I was eighteen again, the child asking for understanding. “Dads aren’t meant to do this.”

  “Of course they are! Dads are meant to love, same as everyone. Dads are people! What could I possibly hate about mine finding someone to share his life with?”

  “Darling, take a breath.” Loz stroked my hair, and I knew he was itching to get to me, but he held back.

  “Oh, Dad. All this you went through, and there was no need! The first time I met Loz—it was at the flat—remember?”

  I did remember because it was the first morning after Loz spent the night. Lou had turned up as she often did with no warning. What daughter needed to call ahead? Loz and I were still blushing and giggling with fire running between us. Of course, she would have seen that. “I remember.” Loz tugged my hair gently; he remembered too.

  “Each time you stood together, your green and his scarlet merged. I’d never seen that from you before. I couldn’t stop watching. It was amazing and beautiful and made me cry. I didn’t know what to say but I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. Colours are never wrong, Dad. Never.”

  “I’m scarlet?” Loz murmured.

  “No, you’re orange,” I said. He shook his head through the laughter. “I should have said long before. But I didn’t expect to ever meet someone like Loz. Or anyone. I was happy enough just being your dad. I didn’t think it mattered.”

  “And you always will be my dad. I worried about you all on your own—Mum too. It’s not right. You and Loz, I can’t tell you what a relief it is.” She sagged back against Loz and laughed. “That’s all that matters, you daft old bugger.”

  “Oh.” My laughter burst out like the chirrup of birds.

  “I tried to bring it up, but you changed the subject. Then Mum said it was very important I waited for you to tell me when you’re ready. She said it would be the hardest thing of your life. Is it?”

  I thought for a minute about the therapy, and Kathy, and little Tommy. “No, not in the end.”

  “But thank God for the dawn. Every day this week I got up to look.”

  “Me too.”

  Loz gathered us all inwards, snorting. “You artists! You couldn’t have had a normal dad — daughter coming out, could you? Maybe a bit of shouting—hissy fits—then a period of uneasy truce and eventual acceptance?” His laughter waves in a warm sea. “Or an email? Dear Mona Lisa, I have a boyfriend, love dad.”

  Holding them both together like this was more than all the dawns and foxes could ever be.

  “Never mind how. What matters is you told me. Let’s have a cuppa.” My girl, she would always be a Bradford lass through and through. I didn’t suppose any Paris gallery would change that.

  “Your room’s always here for you, Lou. Let’s have a drink then get a couple hours of sleep.” Loz kissed us both and shook his head. His hair was a terrible mess. He looked knackered and gorgeous. “I’ll make us all eggs and bacon for breaky.”

  “What’s this about the wedding arrangements?”

  “Nothing,” they said together.

  Life could be tricky, but sometimes you could steal some magic from the dawn. Or perhaps the magic was always there but it was only as the first rays of sun appeared that you could see it.

  “You told her about the wedding?” I whispered into Loz’s delicious chest a while later. “I don’t mind if you did.” He snuggled my head. “I’m sorry it was such a nightmare.”

  “I almost blabbed so many times, and to be honest I hated keeping it from you, but she made me promise. She said it had to come from you. But no, not me. She called work about six months ago...”

  “Six months! She knew that long?”

  “She said your letters were suddenly full of drawings of birds, fox weddings, and orange whirlpools and so she knew. Whatever that means! I stole your Mona Lisa, darling, for a little while. ”

  “I love you so much. Wha
t would you have done if I hadn’t been able to tell her?”

  He squeezed tighter. “Only this.”

  ****

  I was late for work which had only happened three times in over twenty years. I had a feeling the smell of eggs, bacon with Lou and Loz seeped from my clothes. Jenny looked across at me sternly as I slithered in my seat like a naughty child.

  “Eh.”

  “Morning!” I said, over-the-top-cheerful.

  She swivelled round and stared with a look like thunder, which made me giggle more. “Large meeting-room-of-delightfulness, half eleven. I thought you were going to miss it.”

  “Oh, why?” We never had meetings on Friday. “Not more redundancies?”

  She shrugged and watched as I make neat piles of the HR files, then arranged it again in ever tidying towers. Next, I made a little plane and watched it fly over my desk to land on Hikmat’s.

  “Eh.”

  “Lou’s coming tomorrow,” I said, calmly as if talking of the cricket or tea that night. “To the wedding.” It was a scorching day already—heat bouncing off the pavements in City Square and birds singing so loudly, musical notes were visible. “To my wedding.” The world was fresh, new and old, and so was I. “It’s not give out bad weather though you better wear a cardy just in case. Those big old places can be quite chilly.” I made more piles, but my mouth was escaping into a smile, then a big bloody great grin. I was full up to the top with light and life. “Shall we have our special biscuits?”

  She coughed, then slowly swivelled right the way round.

  Finally, I turned to face her and then we both laughed.

  “Eh. Better start writing out those invites then. How many you got?”

  “About twenty.”

  “That won’t be enough. I’ve got fifty and so has Hikmat. Here.” She handed over the invites, already sealed. “You only have to put the names on. Here’s a list of courts one and two, security guards, admin, and HR.” Everyone in the building. “Get going.”