The Man's Guide to Weddings Read online

  The Man’s Guide to Weddings

  By John Zakour

  and Chuck Schading

  The Man’s Guide to Weddings

  by John Zakour & Chuck Schading

  ©2012 All Rights Reserved

  Published by Blue Leaf Publications

  "A New Leaf in the Publishing Industry…"

  Website: http://www.BlueLeafPub.com

  Edited by Dehanna Bailee

  Art Credit: A-Elena

  / iStockPhoto.com

  Art adaptation

  & interior illustration

  by Dehanna Bailee

  No part of this book may be produced in any form, by photocopying or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage or retrieval systems, without permission in writing from both the copyright holder and the publisher of this book, except for the minimum number of words needed for review.

  Every effort was made in the production of this work to avoid errors, but some mistakes are unavoidable. Readers are encouraged to submit information on any errors they discover.

  Disclaimer: This work was not created to provide any legal, business, professional, or personal counsel or advice. Neither the Publisher nor the Author: shall have any liability or responsibility to any persons, groups, or businesses with respect to any loss or damage caused, directly or indirectly, by the information provided; claim any responsibility in decisions made by any persons, entity, or company based upon the provided information; or make any guarantees or warranties implied or otherwise to the accuracy of the included material.

  Contents

  Prefix

  Introduction

  Pre-Season 1

  How to propose

  Picking the date

  Buying the rings

  Who pays?

  Legal stuff

  Should you elope?

  Your Team & Fans 2

  Invitations

  Who to invite

  Picking the wedding party

  Your wife’s shower

  Your bachelor party

  Her bachelorette party

  The Playbook 3

  The place

  The venue

  The cake

  The flowers

  The dress

  The tux

  The vows

  The photographer

  The videographer

  The band / music

  The meal

  The seating

  Your bride’s gift

  Your wedding party’s gift

  Your honeymoon

  Wedding planners

  Get Your Game Face On 4

  Cold feet

  Fighting

  Stress

  What to say (a lot)

  What not to say

  The in-laws

  Your parents

  Your unmarried guy friends

  Your married guy friends

  Your ex-girlfriends

  The Big Game 5

  The rehearsal

  The rehearsal dinner

  The ceremony

  The pictures

  The honeymoon

  Life-ever-after

  Appendix

  Wedding history and trivia

  Official definitions of wedding

  Handy wedding definitions

  Other resources

  About the Authors

  Prefix

  Introduction

  First off, it should be pointed out that while weddings are almost always between two people, you—being the guy—are pretty much an innocent bystander for, as you’ll soon learn, weddings are first and foremost about the bride. You, the future groom, are just a handy accessory as your future wife, after all, can’t become your future wife without you. Still, just because your wedding isn’t really about you, it doesn’t mean you can’t understand, or at least begin to understand, or at least try to begin to understand, what’s going on—or, at the very least, try to look like you are trying to begin to understand. Whatever the level of your comprehension, your making an effort will make your future bride happy.

  While there are quite a few other books on the market about weddings, most of them (rightly so) are lady centric—as in, they center on the bride. This is fine because, make no bones about it, the bride is the star of the wedding; you, however, are just a supporting player. But even supporting players need to know their roles, which is where this book comes in. Written in a "man-friendly" style with lots of small chapters, few if any fancy words, and numerous sports references, The Man’s Guide to Weddings is designed to help men understand what is going on (and often why). And, while there is a lot of information in this book, even with all of the good stuff, reading it won’t qualify you to become a wedding planner, but it can give you a better idea of what to expect. (In other words, after reading this, you should be that much closer to the goal line.)

  The actual ceremony will usually take less than an hour; however, the entire wedding process itself is often long and drawn out. To make it easier for guys to comprehend, this book breaks things down into five phases, or stages, as follows:

  Pre-Season: The Basics

  This short little section is designed to make sure you cover the most essential things (like proposing, for one) before you get into the nitty-gritty of the whole wedding planning brouhaha.

  The Team & the Fans: The People

  From the support staff and sideline personnel (bridesmaids and groomsmen), to the ticket-takers (ushers) and fans (you know, all those people who attend your event and eat all your food), this section helps you in getting everyone in place so the big event goes off without a hitch. (It also covers those all-so-important pre-wedding parties, too.)

  The Playbook: Planning the Event

  No matter how long this stage actually is, it will seem much longer because this is the stage where you and your wife-to-be do all the down-and-dirty planning to make the wedding roll as smoothly as possible. You’ve heard the saying: The best laid plans of mice and men often get messed up…. That holds true in triplicate for weddings for no matter how much you plan, some ‘thing’ is going to go wrong—and that’s if you’re lucky, because in reality a lot of somethings are probably going to go wrong. Somebody is going to forget something. Somebody is not going to show up. Somebody is going to show up who you don’t want to show up. Or something else will go wrong. Whatever the issue is, just grin and bear it. Remember, life never goes as planned (and if it did, it would be boring).

  Get Your Game Face On: How to Deal with it All

  From fighting to in-laws, to cold feet or saying the wrong thing, this nifty little section provides you with a selection of tools and tips to help get you all the way through to game day. Hey, we know you love the bride-to-be, but we also know that it’s the stresses, doubts, and family matters that can make or break a successful event, so make sure to not miss this part. (It’s kind of like your own personal guide on how to keep your opponent—and yourself—in check.)

  The Big Game: The Wedding

  This is the actual ceremony. This event you spent a lot of time planning—unless of course, you’re marrying Britney Spears—and this part will fly by. Afterwards you’ll be thinking, "Wow, all that planning for something so short." (Just don’t say that out loud or the marriage may be short, too.)

  And to finish it out, we’ve also tossed in a short appendix that offers some trivia, definitions, and history. (Which makes for some great neutral topics in case you find yourself in a conversational bind at the rehearsal dinner.)

  * * *

  The Lazy Man’s Summary

  To make this whole thing a bit less labor intensive, we will have tips and summaries in boxes l
ike this at the end of some sections for you lazy guys. Think of it as just skipping to the score for the basics. (You know—who won, who lost, who hit a home run; how to pick out a cummerbund; what not to say when your bride-to-be starts crying and so forth....)

  * * *

  1 Pre-Season

  How to propose

  While it’s kind of assumed most guys reading this book have already proposed, it is possible some might have received this book as a hint, which is why this part was included. This prefix, or introduction, gives you ideas and methods you can use so your future wife will say "yes" or "sí" or whatever when you ask her to be your wife. Now, if you have already successfully proposed, then consider "prefix" to mean "skip this." But, if your girlfriend gave you this book and you haven’t yet proposed to her, then it probably means you are pretty dense because she wants you to propose—and chances are you can say pretty much anything and she will say, "yes."

  Yet, if for some reason you’re not engaged and your girlfriend didn’t give this book, then you may need to work a bit more to get her to accept your proposal. Still, if you’re smart and sincere (and actually think a little first), you can make this proposal thing as easy as making a wide-open lay up (note the sports reference, fellas!)—just follow this simple four-step process:

  Step 1. Buy an engagement ring.

  This may set you back a bundle, but if you plan to propose, you are going to need one. It’s good to consider your bride-to-be when buying the ring. If she is practical, you don’t have to go way overboard (just a little overboard is fine). The fact is, even the most practical woman likes a nice engagement ring. In other words, you should be able to see the diamond with the naked eye. However, if your bride-to-be likes big shiny rings, then buy her a big shiny ring (as in, you should be able to see it with the naked eye from a plane flying overhead). Just remember to keep the receipt in case either you, or the ring, isn’t big and shiny enough and she happens to say no.

  Step 2. Think about what you are going to say.

  You don’t have to be Shakespeare or even Stephen King to write a nice proposal—actually, it might be better if you weren’t Stephen King—but no matter what you say, you’re going to be nervous, so it’s best to keep it short and simple. You don’t want to give her too much to think about. The KISS technique (Keep It Simple Stupid) is important here and the basic "Will you marry me?" usually gets the job done.

  Step 3. Figure out where you want to pop the question.

  There are a lot of possibilities: your place, her place, a nice restaurant, a nice park, the Grand Canyon or the International Space Station (if you both happen to be astronauts or have really good connections). Think about where she’s happiest and consider proposing there. (Legend tells of one man who actually proposed to his wife in a shoe store.) Take note, though, if you propose in a public place, you run the risk of being rejected in public.

  Step 4. Put the previous steps together, get down on one knee, pop the question and then pray.

  The answer will either be the thrill of your life (yes, even bigger than the time you scored a game-winning goal) or the beginning of a lifetime of psychotherapy.

  Important Note: Whatever you do, do NOT text your proposal to your girlfriend. While, sure, it does mean she won’t reject you to your face right then and there, it also greatly reduces the chances of her saying "yes" or "sure" or "why not." Even in today’s high-tech age, some things are better done in person.

  * * *

  The Lazy Man’s Summary

  Problem: How to propose

  Solution: Say ", will you marry me?"

  * * *

  Picking the date

  At this point, if you are still having trouble deciding who to bring (as in marry), drop this book immediately and back away. This section is about having trouble picking a calendar date for your nuptials, not about who to pick to be your wife. (If you knew that, read on.)

  Sure, picking a date sounds easy. You and your fiancée just flip through the calendar and choose one day from the available 365. Sounds simple, right? Well, keep reading.

  Traditionally, weddings are held on a Saturday or Sunday, and there are only a little over a hundred Saturdays and Sundays in a year to pick from. Odds are also good you will want to get married when you have the best chance of having the least amount of rain (for no bride wants to be soggy), which will further limit your choices. Not to mention all of the holidays, work commitments, football and other sporting events that you need to work around.

  Yet, since the wedding is definitely important to your future wife, and probably quite important to you, just make it simple. Pick a Saturday or Sunday during the "nice months" that looks good to both of you then simply say, "This is the day we’ll get married." Mark the day on your calendar and keep it free. (In other words, if you must get in a round of golf, do it earlier in the day and stick to nine holes.)

  And you’d think that as long as you avoid selecting Super Bowl Sunday as your date, you’d have it made. The thing is, though, while your fiancée may be star of the wedding, and you, her leading man, the wedding is about more than just you two (unless you elope) because your wife will probably want to have a bridal party numbering anywhere from two to twenty; thus, the need for some groomsmen.

  Therefore, with that in mind, your fiancée is going to want each of her future bridesmaids to be available because they are all—even the ones she hasn’t seen or talked to in years—her "best friends" and she wouldn’t begin to think of getting married without them. Heck, there may even be one or two potential groomsmen you actually want there, too, because somebody has to put down a few cold ones with you while your fiancée is busy greeting everyone, after all. So, as a result, it’s a good bet that at least one, if not all, of these people, will be busy with something on the original date you picked. If this happens, your options are to either go back to step one and pick a new date or decide you will just have to get through the wedding without everyone you’ve known since kindergarten in attendance.

  The only word of advice here is: No matter what date you pick, odds are somebody is going to be busy that day, and if you change the date, somebody else will be busy on the new one. In reality, you have a better chance of kicking a seventy-yard field goal than finding a date that accommodates everybody, unless you pick a date a couple of years down the road—and even then some of your more anal-retentive friends may already have something planned.

  Another potential pitfall to picking a date is that you will need to have many other people beside your friends and family at your wedding. You will also need a place to get married, along with somebody to perform the wedding, a photographer, a caterer, a place to hold the party…. You get the idea. And most likely, your fiancée is going to have pretty set choices for each of these.

  Unfortunately, some of these folks won’t be available on your original date. Or other people’s fiancées are going to want the people your fiancée wants at their weddings, making them either more expensive and/or less available. (For those of you who weren’t math majors, neither of these things are good.) Once again, you will be faced with the choice of changing the date or changing your wants. Do whatever’s easier. Life is hard enough without making the things that are supposed to be fun hard.

  So, overall, your best bet is to remember that as long as you and your bride are there, all will be fine. You may very well have to get married without everyone you—or more likely your wife—wants to be there, whether you—or the wife—like it or not. But you’re going to be the easy one; you’re just going to be happy somebody is marrying you and will make do with whoever shows up. Your bride-to-be, though, might be convinced that some of her friends are almost as important to the wedding as you. Your job is to convince her that as long as you are there, all will be well. Plus, any friend who won’t reschedule their open heart surgery isn’t really a friend you want at your wedding anyhow, right?

  And, if you need more solid advice, here are a couple of ha
ndy hints to help make picking your wedding date as painless as possible:

  1. Pick a day that’s a few years in the future, like 2070 or 2072. This way you know you can book pretty much everybody and everything.

  - or -

  2. Pick a date you both like and go with it. Be inflexible about the date, but flexible about everything else. The wedding is pretty much going to be a blur anyway. Just try to convince your fiancée that, as long as you and she are both there, all will be well.

  * * *

  The Lazy Man’s Summary

  Problem: You need to pick a date for the wedding.

  Solution: Pick one when you’re both free.

  * * *

  Buying the rings

  There was an old commercial that used to say the basic rule of thumb when buying a ring was to: Use one month’s salary. This is all fine and good, if:

  • You are wealthy and don’t need your salary to pay for things like food and rent.

  • You own (or work) at a diamond store.

  • You’re not overly bright.

  • You’re hideously ugly and desperate to get married.

  Yet, the reality is that if you are an average guy with an average job, you are probably living "pay check to pay check" and really aren’t in the position to be giving up a month’s salary for a ring. Of course, you can always buy the ring on credit, but then you run the risk of making payments on a ring years after the wedding (or maybe even the marriage) is over.

  Your best bet is to convince your future wife she’s getting such a great guy she doesn’t need an expensive ring. Tell her you can use the money you save on an expensive ring for other things, like a down payment on a house, a nice vacation, or even a new set of his-and-her golf clubs (or just his).