Running Scared Read online

  So no, she wasn’t concerned about that. What troubled her was the man sitting across from her. Those intelligent, piercing eyes saw too much. And now endless hours were ahead of them with nothing to do but talk. Oddly, talking was the lesser of her worries. The biggest were the nightmares.

  They had been with her from the beginning. Some were so obscure that when she woke, the memories of them were like wisps of thin fog, disintegrating instantly. Others stuck with her longer. Still others had her waking up screaming. What if she had a screaming nightmare? How the hell was she going to explain that?

  This wasn’t the first time they’d spent the night together out in the field. They’d been on missions where the accommodations were a hard ground and a small fire. On those occasions, she’d slept lightly, waking frequently. This time would be different. She’d had almost no sleep in over twenty-four hours. That and a long day of hiking had worn her out. Sometimes, exhaustion meant she slept like the dead. Other times, if her body was too tired, she couldn’t fight the demons that invaded her sleep.

  And now, having decided to do something about confronting her past, would her subconscious do everything within its power to stop her by reminding her what hell was like? Hiding those violent episodes from Justin was going to be difficult, if not impossible. Just how long could she stay awake tonight?

  Justin clenched his fist to keep himself from reaching out to his partner. The wary glances she was giving him were breaking his heart. Addressing them might not be the best idea, but dammit, he had to know.

  “Ingram, do you have doubts about me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, do you think there’s some kind of flaw in my character that gives you cause for concern?”

  She jerked back as if shocked that he could say such a thing. “Of course not. I have total faith and trust in you.”

  “Then you have to know you can tell me anything.”

  She looked away from him, and he figured he’d gone too far. He waited, though. They’d come this far, could they go further?

  “Justin, it’s not a lack of trust. It’s just… I don’t know. Saying it’s complicated sounds like a cliché, but in this case…” She sighed. “Sometimes I can hardly believe it myself, and I’m the one who lived through it.”

  “Did what happened to you occur after your parents’ deaths?”

  An odd expression flickered on her face. The answer she gave was even more enigmatic. “Yes, I guess you could say that.”

  “Are the people…or man who hurt you still alive?”

  “I don’t know. Probably. I don’t usually worry about being out in public, but Brennan and Kacie’s wedding was international news. I felt I had no choice but to disguise myself.”

  “Can you tell me how you started with LCR?”

  “No,” she whispered. “I can’t.”

  Before the disappointment could even register, her next words cracked his heart open wide. “Have patience with me. Please, Justin? This is really hard for me.”

  “You take all the time you need, sweetheart. Just know I’m here when you’re ready.”

  The endearment was deliberate. He wanted her to accept the transition, if she hadn’t already. This was no longer Ingram and Kelly having a discussion. An intimacy had developed between them. One that he wanted to grow and expand.

  The response to his comment was more than he could have hoped for. Her eyes took on a soft, dreaminess, and her mouth lifted in a rare smile.

  Justin’s heart was beating like the bass line of a hard rock song. If he said anything more, asked anything else of her tonight, he was certain she’d close down.

  He said the first thing that came to mind. “Fox and Thorne have a good partnership.”

  The relief on her face told him he’d said the right thing.

  “Noah’s good about pairing up people who work well together.” She tilted her head. “Did you worry he’d made a mistake with us?”

  Surprised but pleased that she’d asked something even remotely personal, he nodded, knowing she wouldn’t take offense. “Yeah, I did. We didn’t seem to have a lot in common.”

  “Until that first op.”

  Their first op together had been an eye-opening experience in many ways. Riley had seemed so closed-off and distant, he had anticipated major problems, even a failed op. He’d voiced his concern to McCall, who’d told him to give her a chance. He was damn glad he had.

  “Why do you think we work so well together?” she asked.

  He had some theories but doubted she’d be interested in hearing them right now. Baby steps were his only choice. The caution, however, didn’t stop him from countering. “Why do you think we work so well together?”

  She sent him a teasing grin, a rarity for her. “Really bad deflect, Kelly. And I don’t know why either. We train together a lot, so that might be one reason. But other than I can somehow read what you’re going to do before you do it, I think we complement each other. Our strengths somehow mesh.”

  “Yeah. Did you have skills before you came to LCR, or did you learn them all from McCall’s training?”

  Skills? Riley almost laughed out loud at that. She’d had no knowledge of how to defend herself, physically or emotionally. When Noah had found her, she’d barely been able to function as a human being, much less as a confident, skilled operative.

  Since telling him that would create a multitude of questions she wasn’t close to being ready to answer, she responded truthfully if vaguely. “All LCR training. What about you?”

  “Already had military training, but my hand-to-hand needed some work.”

  “Logistical planning of a mission was a breeze for me. I did pretty well on shooting, too, but my hand-to-hand sucked.”

  He flashed her one of his teasing grins. “Bet that creep you took down in Iraq a couple of weeks ago thinks differently.”

  Riley felt an unusual burst of pride. She had taken the cretin down, and with minimal effort. If she’d had this skill earlier in life, everything could have been so different.

  “A smaller size can be an advantage, because most people underestimate you.”

  “That’s what Noah said.”

  There was no need to go into detail about how her size had nothing to do with her difficulty in learning how to physically defend herself. It had taken her months to allow anyone to touch her. Putting herself into a training exercise in which physical contact was a must had been unbearable. But with her therapist’s help and Noah McCall’s incredible patience, she had overcome that fear, along with a multitude of others.

  A giant yawn took her off guard. The lack of sleep plus the hours-long hike today, along with the additional stress of Justin’s questions, had taken their toll.

  “Why don’t you take the bathroom first? I’m going to do a quick perimeter check.”

  She stifled another yawn. “Call me if you need help.”

  Justin watched her walk away, almost stumbling in her exhaustion. He’d learned a lot tonight. Not so much actual information, but a whole lot more about what was in Riley’s mind and heart. First, she did trust him. He had known that, but he’d wanted to hear her say the words. And second, she was having the same thoughts he was about their relationship. He’d seen the spark of attraction from her before, but tonight there had been more. Even though he told himself to take it slow, that anything this good would be even better if it wasn’t rushed, it was still damn hard to hold back.

  He took a little longer than normal to check their surroundings and then lock up. He wanted to give her a chance to settle down. Hopefully, she’d be asleep when he went back inside. There was only one bed in the cabin, and no way in hell was he going to sleep on the too-short couch or the floor. If she was already asleep when he got in bed, it would make things less awkward. He wouldn’t do anything without her permission, but neither did he want her to worry about it. As he had told her, she could take all the time she needed.

  Didn’t mean things were going
to be easy, but anything worthwhile was worth waiting for. And he was learning, Riley Ingram was definitely worth the wait.

  ***

  Why did the dreams always begin the same? Even as she told herself she was falling into one, she couldn’t prevent the descent into darkness.

  First, there was only pitch-black nothingness, then the fear came, almost overwhelming in its intensity. What would he do this time? What could she do but allow it to happen and pray it wasn’t as bad as last time? But she knew those prayers were pointless. She had defied him. The other times had been about his pleasure. This time…this time it would be about her punishment.

  Could it be worse than it had already been? A secret, evil voice cackled inside her. Yes, yes, yes, it could and would.

  She heard the sounds first. Soft little scratches, then the pitter-patter of tiny little feet. What was that? What was he doing now? She struggled against the ties at her wrists and ankles. She had expected pain and fear, but this was almost worse. Not knowing fed her imagination until her fear was at a fever pitch. The noise grew louder and louder, and then the squeals came. It sounded like an army of rats! He was going to let rats devour her, feed on her? This was her punishment? So it was to be death this time.

  Screams built inside her, but he had filled her mouth with a ball gag, which only allowed muffled sounds. Why couldn’t he have allowed her the release of screaming? She struggled, the bindings on her wrists and ankles becoming unbearable as she fought to break the bonds. Blood dripped down her arms, and her panic grew. The rats! They would smell the blood! They would be on her in seconds, feeding, devouring! Help! Help! Please! Her mind pleaded for a faceless, nameless person to save her, but there was no one to care. Even if she had been able to utter a word, no one gave a damn about her. She had learned that final truth today.

  A sob built in her chest, and she made an anguished sound. Lights flooded the room. She looked around. It was empty. There were no rats. Nothing to fear. She was safe.

  A voice boomed above her. “You think your misery is over, my sweet? It’s just getting started.”

  The room went pitch black again. At first, there was nothing. Complete silence, emptiness. Then sounds, like something sliding. Then she heard them. Rattling? Rattlesnakes? It was only sound effects, just as the rats had been. She could deal with noises. Sound couldn’t hurt her. He was just trying to scare her.

  The rattling grew louder, and she ground her teeth together, determined not to give in to the fear. She could handle psychological torture. It was the hideous pain that destroyed her. Sounds wouldn’t kill her. Couldn’t hurt her. She would endure.

  Light burst forth again. The room was empty, as she had surmised. Taut muscles went lax with relief. Her breath settled. She could handle this. She could.

  “You think you’re home free, don’t you? You think your punishment is only this? You don’t know what suffering is. Once I’m through with you, the very thought of trying to escape will sicken your stomach. You’ll do anything to stay with me.”

  The light went off again.

  I can do this. I can do this.

  Just because he’d threatened something worse, she told herself, as long as physical torture wasn’t used, she would be fine.

  The horror continued. She stopped struggling. Though her heart still pounded, and each new sound was worse than the last, she forced her mind into another place. She no longer heard anything. Music filled her head, and she was swept away in its beauty. Her mouth moved up in a smile. She would destroy the darkness with music. It had always brought her light…it would again.

  The noises stopped, and silence again filled the room. The music in her head became stilted. No, no, no. Bring it back. Bring it back. His torture wasn’t over. As long as she had an escape in her head, she could survive.

  New sounds penetrated the silence. A door opened and closed. Footsteps came closer. Was he here, or was this just another new way to terrify her? Lights exploded once more, and she squinted her eyes against the blinding brightness. Blinking away the tears, she saw an image. It was him. He was here. Would he finally free her? It had been hours. Surely her punishment had passed.

  He pulled the gag from her mouth. “Have you learned your lesson?” he asked.

  She nodded as vigorously as her bindings would allow. She tried to speak, but her throat and mouth were dry from fear and lack of water. She managed a croaking, “Yes, sir.”

  “I don’t believe you have.”

  For the first time, she realized he held something behind his back. Before she could comprehend, prepare herself, an agony unlike anything she’d ever felt swept through her.

  She screamed. Cried. Kicked. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Please. Please. No more!

  “Riley? Wake up. Riley, it’s me. It’s Justin. Stop struggling, baby. You’re fine. You’re fine.”

  She woke, screaming, crying. “It hurts, it hurts.”

  “I’ve got you, sweetheart. Nothing’s going to hurt you. I promise.”

  She became aware of several things. She was gripping Justin’s shoulders with a finger-numbing clench. He was holding her shivering body against his. And somehow she felt safe, protected.

  Breath shuddered from her, and she buried her face against his chest. “Sorry. Nightmare.”

  She felt a kiss pressed to her head, and he squeezed her harder. “You’re safe now.”

  She nodded. “Yes. Thanks.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  Talk about a horror she did her dead level best to never remember? No. Just no.

  She shook her head. “It’s just residual junk. Guess it’s been one of those days that brings out the night monsters.”

  “Night monsters?”

  Releasing her grip on his shoulders, she lay back against the pillows. Though it was dark in the room and she could see only the silhouette of his head in the shadows, she felt no fear. This was Justin. And though her secrets weren’t ones she could share with him yet, there was no one she trusted more.

  “You didn’t have night monsters when you were a kid?”

  “You mean like the boogeyman?”

  “Yes.”

  He laughed a little. “Not really. I was mostly afraid of my dad and his belt.”

  “He hurt you?”

  “On occasion. I deserved most of it. I was a bratty kid.”

  “You?” She gave an exaggerated gasp. “Surely not.”

  “Yeah.” She heard the grin in his voice. “Defies all logic, I know.”

  “Your parents. They were good to you?”

  “Yes. They’re good people. Good parents. Didn’t have a lot of money, but we had love.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “Riley?”

  “Yes.”

  “We’ve already established that you can trust me. Right?”

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  “Can I kiss you?”

  The question didn’t surprise her. She had known they were heading to this place. Her heart consented before she gave her answer with a soft sighing, “Yes.”

  She watched his head lower slowly, the anticipation almost more than she could bear. His mouth touched hers, tender, soft, light. A feather of a kiss. A mere taste on her lips. It was sweet and perfect. She wanted more.

  Lifting her hands, she brought him closer to her for a deeper connection. As if understanding what she needed, he licked the seam of her mouth. She opened, and he took control.

  Justin groaned beneath his breath. He had meant their first kiss to be a soft, light initiation into exploring each other, their lips becoming acquainted. Riley had a different idea. And though he was on board with giving and taking more, he noted one specific thing. She kissed as if she’d never been kissed before. Unskilled, unpracticed. Riley was always so reserved, but not with this. And while she kissed with innocent passion, Justin’s body throbbed with an unrelenting want. His heart and mind told him to go slow, but his body had a completely different goal. Didn’t matter. He was a ma
n, not a boy. He controlled his urges. Besides, frightening her was the last thing he wanted.

  Riley apparently had other ideas. Though unskilled she might be, she made up for it with enthusiasm, with generosity. She held nothing back. And like everything Riley tried her hand at, she learned fast.

  Groaning again, Justin lifted his head, surprised to find himself breathing hard. He had long since accepted his attraction for Riley and that he wanted her. What he was just now realizing was he wanted more than just a physical relationship with this maddening, indomitable woman.

  Unsettled and at a loss for how to adjust to this astonishing revelation, he gave a somewhat standard, albeit sincere, compliment, “You’re so damn beautiful.”

  Little did he know it was the one thing he never should have said.

  He felt the change in her immediately. She’d been pliant, soft in his arms. Now she was stiff, unyielding. “Beauty matters to you?”

  “It’s not the most important thing, but it’s part of being attracted to another person.”

  “If beauty is what you’re looking for, we have nothing in common after all.”

  “You don’t think you’re beautiful?”

  “It’s not important to me. Beauty is a shallow, ridiculous premise. It’s not important to me. It apparently is to you.”

  Admittedly, it had been a trite thing to say, but never had he considered she might be offended. Reaching over, he flipped on the bedside light. He needed to see her face. Maybe then he could figure out where he’d gone wrong.

  She jerked her face away from him. “Let me up.”

  “No. Not before we talk this out.”

  She wiggled beneath him. “Let me up. Now.”

  “Look, I obviously upset you, and I’m sorry. Most women—” He cut off his words, wincing the moment they came out of his mouth. If he’d thought she’d been offended before, the look on her face told him this was even worse.

  “If you haven’t already figured it out by now, I’m not most women. Now let me up, dammit.”