The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion Read online

  Praise for the mindful path to self-compassion

  “In this important book, Christopher Germer illuminates the myriad synergies between mindfulness and compassion. He offers skillful and effective ways of making sure that we are inviting ourselves to bathe in and benefit from the kind heart of awareness itself, and from the actions that follow from such a radical and sane embrace.”

  —Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, author of Arriving at Your Own Door and Letting Everything Become Your Teacher

  “Self-compassion is the ground of all emotional healing, and Dr. Germer has produced an invaluable guide. Written with great clarity, psychological wisdom, and warmth, this book will serve anyone seeking practical and powerful tools that free the heart.”

  —Tara Brach, PhD, author of Radical Acceptance

  “Explains both the science and practice of developing kindness toward ourselves and others. Dr. Germer offers powerful and easily accessible steps toward transforming our lives from the inside out. It’s never too late to start along this important path.”

  —Daniel J. Siegel, MD, author of The Mindful Brain

  “An elegant and practical guide to cultivating self-compassion, by a dedicated and wise clinician and meditation teacher. The author offers time-honored practices and exercises with the potential to illuminate and transform the background chatter of our minds that determines so much of the course of our lives.”

  —Samuel Shem, MD, author of The House of God

  the mindful path

  to self-compassion

  Freeing Yourself

  from Destructive Thoughts

  and Emotions

  CHRISTOPHER K. GERMER PHD

  Foreword by Sharon Salzberg

  THE GUILFORD PRESS

  New York London

  copyright

  © 2009 The Guilford Press

  A Division of Guilford Publications, Inc.

  72 Spring Street, New York, NY 10012

  www.guilford.com

  All rights reserved

  © 2009 Epub Edition ISBN: 9781606233863

  The information in this volume is not intended as a substitute for consultation with healthcare professionals. Each individual’s health concerns should be evaluated by a qualified professional.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, translated, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Germer, Christopher K.

  The mindful path to self-compassion : freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions / Christopher K. Germer. — 1st ed.

  p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references and index.

  ISBN 978-1-60623-284-2 (hardcover : alk. paper) — ISBN 978-1-59385-975-6 (pbk. : alk. paper)

  1. Emotions. 2. Compassion. 3. Thought and thinking. 4. Meditations—Therapeutic use. I. Title.

  BF531.G47 2009

  152’.4—dc22

  2008054860

  To my mother, who taught me the meaning of compassion

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  foreword

  acknowledgments

  introduction

  Part I

  discovering self-compassion

  1. being kind to yourself

  2. listening to your body

  3. bringing in difficult emotions

  4. what’s self-compassion?

  5. pathways to self-compassion

  Part II

  practicing loving-kindness

  6. caring for ourselves

  7. caring for others

  Part III

  customizing self-compassion

  8. finding your balance

  9. making progress

  Appendix A. emotion words

  Appendix B. additional self-compassion exercises

  Appendix C. further reading and practice

  notes

  index

  about the author

  About Guilford Publications

  From the Publisher

  foreword

  Why is it so hard to extend the same kindness to ourselves that many of us gladly offer to others? Maybe it’s because in our conventional way of thinking in the West we tend to view compassion as a gift, and bestowing it on ourselves seems selfish or inappropriate. But the ancient wisdom of the East tells us that loving-kindness is something everyone needs and deserves, and that includes the compassion we can give to ourselves. Without it, we blame ourselves for our problems, for our inability to solve them all, for feeling pain when painful events occur—all of which usually end in our feeling even more pain.

  The idea of self-compassion may seem so alien that we would not know where to begin even if we decided it might be a good capacity to develop. Modern neuroscience and psychology are just beginning to explore what meditative traditions have accepted for ages: that compassion and loving-kindness are skills—not gifts that we’re either born with or not—and each one of us, without exception, can develop and strengthen these skills and bring them into our everyday lives.

  This is where The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion steps to the fore. In this book Dr. Christopher Germer lays out the architecture of this skill development: the vision of freedom compassion can offer, the essential role of self-compassion, the path to realizing it rather than just thinking about it, and the practical tools, such as mindfulness, we need to effect that transformation.

  Buddhist psychological analysis regards qualities like loving-kindness as the direct antidote to fear. Whether hampered by the inhibiting fear of feeling we are not enough and could never be enough, or the raging fear that courses through us when we see no options whatsoever, or the pervasive fear we sometimes feel when we must take a next step and cannot sense how or where, in the midst of fear we suffer. Loving-kindness and compassion, in contrast to fear, reaffirm the healing power of connection, the expansiveness of a sense of possibility, the efficacy of kindness as a catalyst for learning. Whether extended to ourselves or others, the intertwined forces of loving-kindness and compassion are the basis for wise, powerful, sometimes gentle, and sometimes fierce actions that can really make a difference—in our own lives and those of others. The true development of self-compassion is the basis for fearlessness, generosity, inclusion, and a sustained loving-kindness and compassion for others.

  Whether you have already begun to seek relief from suffering through meditative traditions like mindfulness or you are simply open to anything that might free you from chronic emotional pain and mental rumination, this book will serve as an inspiring road-map. In the following pages you will find a scientific review, an educational manual, and a practical step-by-step guide to developing greater loving-kindness and self-compassion every day.

  SHARON SALZBERG

  Insight Meditation Society, Barre, Massachusetts

  acknowledgments

  Writing can be lonely work, but with so many people speaking through the pages of this book, that’s hardly been the case. I had the privilege of gathering the voices of kindness and inspiration that have been resonating in my mind for a long time—teachers, family, friends, patients—and savored their company late into the night for almost two years. Now that the project is completed, it’s a privilege to mention some of them by name.

  First I’d like to thank my wonderful team of editors at The Guilford Press: Kitty Moore, Linda Carbone, and Chris Benton. Kitty’s faith in the project, editorial style, and practical
wisdom transformed a nascent idea into reality. Linda’s graceful editing lifted this manuscript to its current level of readability, and Chris’s conceptual clarity gave the book its overall coherence and flow. If these dedicated people weren’t editors, they’d be coauthors.

  My friends and colleagues at the Institute for Meditation and Psychotherapy have been invaluable, not only in shaping the content of this book but also in their unstinting emotional support. It’s been a family affair in the best sense of the word. My brothers and sisters include Paul Fulton, Trudy Goodman, Sara Lazar, Bill and Susan Morgan, Stephanie Morgan, Andrew Olendzki, Tom Pedulla, Susan Pollak, Ron Siegel, Charles Styron, and Jan Surrey. I’m especially indebted to Sara for her advice on all things scientific, to Andy for anchoring my thinking in the 2,500-year-old tradition of Buddhist psychology, to Ron for keeping it real, to Jan for her exquisite and abiding sense of interconnection, and to Trudy for lending a touch of bold tenderness to the subject matter.

  My personal practice of self-compassion has been inspired by the writings and presence of a number of special teachers. They are His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Sharon Salzberg, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach, Pema Chödrön, Joseph Goldstein, Jack Kornfield, and Thich Nhat Hanh. Furthermore, my understanding of self-compassion would be nowhere if not for the groundbreaking work of my friend and colleague Kristin Neff and researchers Paul Gilbert and Mark Leary, and for the bold new understanding of therapeutic change by Mark Epstein, Steven Hayes, Marsha Linehan, Zindel Siegel, and their collaborators. Thanks also to Richard Davidson, Daniel Gole-man, and Daniel Siegel for inspiring me and countless other readers around the world to look at human emotion and interpersonal relationships from a profoundly unselfish, scientific perspective.

  Other friends and colleagues who made this book possible were Jay Efran, for teaching me in graduate school that all psychological theories are provisional; Les Havens, for demonstrating the importance of being human in psychotherapy; Rich Simon, for his encouragement and gentle writing lessons; Robert and Barry, for the best writing fuel this side of the Charles River; Carol Hosmer, for keeping my practice running; Rob Guerette, for taking a chance on mindfulness and self-compassion; and Chip Hartranft, Gib and Faye Henderson, Claudia Ladensohn, and Mark Sorensen, for being friends in need, indeed.

  Our friends give us wings and family gives us roots. My father, who passed away in 2006, accompanied me along the many twists and turns of my spiritual journey, including two trips to India together, until he couldn’t anymore. My mother has been a staunch supporter of my interest in self-compassion since the beginning, generously trying out the self-compassion practices in her own life and sharing her experiences with me. That goes deep into the heart of a son. Gratitude also to my three rowdy brothers, who always thought the book should have been finished yesterday, and to my father’s lovely second family, Maria, Anil, and Kamala.

  I’d also like to offer each of my clients a deep bow because I can’t thank them enough, or by name. They kept this project rooted in the reality of our daily lives as the words spilled onto the page, and gave it meaning and vitality.

  The greatest debt is owed my wife, Claire. I’m acutely aware of the sacrifice a spouse makes to a book project. Besides feeling orphaned by a preoccupied partner, there are emotional ups and downs, an endless string of unexpected book-related tasks, and inevitable lost income. It’s an act of faith to stay present in a relationship under these conditions. Claire has been the measure of balance that I often tried to convey throughout the book—somehow she knew just when to kiss and when to kick. Furthermore, she reviewed every line of the manuscript before I subjected my editors to it. We can still have epiphanies after decades of marriage—moments when we feel more loved than we love ourselves. Words cannot express my gratitude to Claire.

  Going forward, I wish to humbly acknowledge the efforts of readers who will take the message of self-compassion to heart and make it live and breathe in their own lives. It’s a path of peace and it’s a blessing to share the journey together.

  The following publishers and/or authors have generously given permission to reprint material from copyrighted works (in order of appearance in the book):

  The Cartoon Bank, for “Jack and I …” by Robert Weber (cartoonbank.com, 1994). Copyright 1994 by The New Yorker Collection. All rights reserved.

  Beacon Press, for “Mindful” by Mary Oliver, from Why I Wake Early (Boston: Beacon Press, 2004). Copyright 2004 by Mary Oliver.

  Black Sparrow Books, an imprint of David R. Godine, Publisher, for “Suddenly the City” by Linda Bamber, from Metropolitan Tang (Jaffrey, NH: Black Sparrow, 2008). Copyright 2008 by Linda Bamber.

  The Cartoon Bank, for “Your own tedious thoughts …” by Bruce Eric Kaplan (cartoonbank.com, 2002). Copyright 2002 by The New Yorker Collection. All rights reserved.

  The Cartoon Bank, for “Lately I’ve been …” by Lee Lorenz (cartoonbank.com, 1988). Copyright 1988 by The New Yorker Collection. All rights reserved.

  Coleman Barks (trans.), for “The Guest House” by Rumi, from C. Barks and J. Moyne, The Essential Rumi (San Francisco: Harper, 1997). Originally published by Threshold Books. Copyright 1995 by Coleman Barks and John Moyne.

  The Guilford Press, for an adaptation of “Table 1.1. Examples of Maladaptive Coping Responses” by Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko, and Marjorie E. Weishaar, from Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide (New York: Guilford Press, 2003). Copyright 2003 by The Guilford Press.

  Farrar, Straus and Giroux, for “Love after Love” by Derek Walcott, from Derek Walcott: Collected Poems, 1948–1984 (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1987). Copyright 1986 by Derek Walcott.

  Columbia University Press, for “I Can Wade Grief” by Emily Dickinson, from The Columbia University Anthology of American Poetry (New York: Columbia University Press, 1995).

  Far Corner Books, for “Kindness” by Naomi Shihab Nye, from Words under the Words: Selected Poems (Portland, OR: Far Corner Books, 1995). Copyright 1995 by Naomi Shihab Nye.

  New Directions Publishing Corp., for “When the Shoe Fits” by Thomas Merton, from The Way of Chuang Tzu (New York: New Directions, 1965). Copyright 1965 by the Abbey of Gethsemani.

  The Cartoon Bank, for “Yeah, well, the Dalai Lama …” by Bruce Eric Kaplan (cartoonbank.com, 2003). Copyright 2003 by The New Yorker Collection. All rights reserved.

  David Sipress, for “May these people who cut in line …,” from Shambala Sun (November 2007, p. 17). Copyright 2007 by David Sipress.

  The Cartoon Bank, for “Are we there yet?” by David Sipress (cartoonbank. com, 1998). Copyright 1998 by The New Yorker Collection. All rights reserved.

  Steven J. DeRose, for “The Compass DeRose Guide to Emotion Words,” by Steven J. DeRose (www.derose.net/steve/resources/emotionwords/ewords.html, July 6, 2005). Copyright 2005 by Steven J. DeRose.

  introduction

  Life is tough. Despite our best intentions, things go wrong, sometimes very wrong. Ninety percent of us get married, full of hope and optimism, yet 40% of marriages end in divorce. We struggle to meet the demands of daily life, only to find ourselves needing care for stress-related problems like high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, or a weakened immune system.

  How do we typically react when things fall apart? More often than not, we feel ashamed and become self-critical: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I cope?” “Why me?” Perhaps we go on a mission to fix ourselves, adding insult to injury. Sometimes we go after others. Rather than giving ourselves a break, we seem to find the path of greatest resistance.

  Yet no matter how hard we try to avoid emotional pain, it follows us everywhere. Difficult emotions—shame, anger, loneliness, fear, despair, confusion—arrive like clockwork at our door. They come when things don’t go according to our expectations, when we’re separated from loved ones, and as a part of ordinary sickness, old age, and death. It’s just not possible to avoid feeling bad.

  But we can learn to deal with misery and dis
tress in a new, healthier way. Instead of greeting difficult emotions by fighting hard against them, we can bear witness to our own pain and respond with kindness and understanding. That’s self-compassion—taking care of ourselves just as we’d treat someone we love dearly. If you’re used to beating yourself up during periods of sadness or loneliness, if you hide from the world when you make a mistake, or if you obsess over how you could have prevented the mistake to begin with, self-compassion may seem like a radical idea. But why should you deny yourself the same tenderness and warmth you extend to others who are suffering?

  When we fight emotional pain, we get trapped in it. Difficult emotions become destructive and break down the mind, body, and spirit. Feelings get stuck—frozen in time—and we get stuck in them. The happiness we long for in relationships seems to elude us. Satisfaction at work lies just beyond our reach. We drag ourselves through the day, arguing with our physical aches and pains. Usually we’re not aware just how many of these trials have their root in how we relate to the inevitable discomfort of life.

  Change comes naturally when we open ourselves to emotional pain with uncommon kindness. Instead of blaming, criticizing, and trying to fix ourselves (or someone else, or the whole world) when things go wrong and we feel bad, we can start with self-acceptance. Compassion first! This simple shift can make a tremendous difference in your life.

  Imagine that your partner just criticized you for yelling at your daughter. This hurts your feelings and leads to an argument. Perhaps you felt misunderstood, disrespected, unloved, or unlovable? Maybe you didn’t use the right words to describe how you felt, but more likely your partner was being too angry or defensive to hear what you had to say. Now imagine that you took a deep breath and said the following to yourself before the argument: “More than anything, I want to be a good parent. It’s so painful to me when I yell at my child. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but sometimes I just lose it. I’m only human, I guess. May I learn to forgive myself for my mistakes, and may we find a way to live together in peace.” Can you feel the difference?