Last Train from Liguria Read online

  Tony presses his back to the wall, and waits for Shay to pass him. I want to run back upstairs and lock myself into my flat but I can't seem to move. There's Tony on the flight below, carefully placing his dripping umbrella in the corner by his door. His morning Irish Times sticking out of his Centra bag, the white of his doctor's coat showing under his rain-stained Burberry raincoat. He waits until he hears the front door of the house slam, then glances up at me. 'I've been up all night,' he says, 'I really don't need to come home to this.'

  Then he pushes his key into the lock and opens the door of his immaculate flat, where his immaculate boyfriend will be waiting in their chrome and marble kitchen with the coffee gurgling and everything so fucking perfect and clean. He looks up at me with a mixture of pity and disgust. 'You know, Anna, you should really be more careful of whom you invite into your home.'

  I come back inside and my hands are shaking. I find my handbag, and in the side pocket a Rescue Remedy bottle with a few drops left, which I lower onto my flattened tongue like a sacrament. I notice my purse is looking thin, and when I give it a feel, almost empty. The same goes for the fridge. I open the door and the stark light shows me: one full lemon wearing a Juliet cap of white mould, a few out-of-date jars and bits of God knows what, wrapped in tin foil, so old it has begun to desiccate. By some miracle there's a full bottle of soda water in the shelf on the door and slipping two paracetemol into my mouth, I go at it like someone who's just crossed the dessert.

  I think of the drawing. Pissed, stoned, showing off, I had insisted on doing it last night. Him in the nude, his dick a lewd exaggeration. And signed of course, I had to have signed it. I begin sobbing with rage. I would willingly suffocate myself to stop that sobbing but no matter how hard I press my hands against my mouth I can't keep it in. Finally I do stop. I have to calm down. There is something I need to find. I don't want to name it yet, or think about it even, but I have to look for it and I have to find it.

  I ransack the flat, tear the bedclothes off the bed, pull the cushions off the sofa, search everywhere and anywhere we may have been. By now I'm way beyond crying and have resorted to a deranged chant of fucket oh fucket oh God please no fucket. I go back to the bedroom, look through every inch of it, under the mattress, under the bed. I shake out the sheets, reef the pillowcases off the pillows, peer into their every corner. But still there is nothing. I can't find it. Maybe he's flushed it down the toilet. I go in and look for a few moments down at the frothy lager of piss he's left behind him. Or maybe it never existed.

  I know I had it off with him, and can remember every mortifying second of going through the false, fancified motions of drunken sex. But I can't remember if he used a condom or not. I'm not on the pill. Hugh had a vasectomy years ago, so there's never been a reason to.

  I give up eventually, sit on the floor, my back to the wall, the Golden Pages open on my lap, trying to get the alphabet to settle down in my head so I can find the name of a surgery. At least I can deal with the pregnancy worry with the morning-after pill. I will not even think about the HIV question, I will put that completely and utterly out of my head.

  Then my eye catches something. I crawl to the sofa and shove it aside. There. There it is. And so I sit back down on the floor of my filthy flat, with my splitting head and my near empty purse and the memory of the way that little prick has spoken to me, and the face on Tony at the door of his flat, and the thought of the drawing being passed around with the rumour, through the school, the neighbourhood. And I thank God with all my heart for this pink sausage skin under the sofa. This sad little sack of obsolete snot.

  PART FIVE

  Bella

  BORDIGHERA, 1936

  May–October

  SHORTLY AFTER HIS FATHER'S death it had been decided that Bordighera should become Alec's permanent home. 'Less isolating,' was how the Signora had put it. Three years on and as far as Bella can see, Alec remains as isolated as ever, rarely mixing with other children except during the high-summer season when the beaches and tennis club are full of visitors and there is often someone needed to make up a tournament or game. Otherwise he is usually alone, and as a result, Bella sometimes thinks, just a little odd. He never mentions his father, which she finds a little worrying. He still reads the letters they sent to each other through his nature books – at least Bella has often come across one or more of them under his bed. She also suspects that Alec may occasionally write to his dead father, but has never been able to bring herself to open a notebook to see this for herself.

  When Alec come across a possible friend he often frightens the child with his zeal, wanting to be with them every minute of the day, suffocating them with attention and gifts smuggled out of the house (she caught him one time, with a Swiss army knife belonging to Edward stuck up his jumper). His only real friends are Martha and Lina Almansi, two little black-haired girls from Turin who come to Bordighera on their annual holiday for three weeks every September. Inclined to the overstatement themselves, they take Alec's neediness in their own sweet, dramatic stride. He lives for September, becoming almost sick with excitement as the date of their arrival nears, then growing quiet in himself for a week or so after they leave. In between there are letters; pages from him filled with funny drawings, which the sisters seem to love. And they write back. To Bella's mind this means as much as all the hours of play. It keeps him in touch with the outside world. More importantly it makes him feel wanted.

  The difficulty is in filling his day. Weekdays have lessons of one sort or another, meals, a walk, a game of tennis, and bedtime eventually comes round. Weekends tend to drag. All the more since they've stopped going to the 'Fascist Saturday' parades.

  She used to love the parades; the truth is she often misses them. Their childlike exuberance, the way the whole point seemed to be the party afterwards. Boy scouts trying to keep their minds on the job, little girls sweet in white socks and capes. Old men showing off medals from battles they could barely recall. Officers and vanguard, Cavalieri, Alpini, all in their own way magnificently absurd. She used to stand on the sidelines with Alec, and wish in her heart he could be part of it. For a while she had hinted, then, as her position in the household had become more established, broached the subject with Signora Lami. Until Edward had advised her to drop it.

  'She will never allow him to be part of the Balilla,' he had said.

  'But what harm can it do?' Bella asked. 'It's only the boy scouts and if the child is lonely?'

  'She would prefer him to be lonely than Italian. Haven't you noticed yet? She thinks being Italian is beneath him.'

  'I thought it was just the fascists she disapproved of?'

  'Fascists, Italians – it's all the same now, I'm afraid.'

  In the end Bella had conceded. It would probably be best for Alec anyhow, she decided, to stay on the outside looking in. By then she was beginning to realize how he could be affected by strangers and crowds.

  And so under a sky bloated with flags and fascist insignia, Bella would choose the most suitable spot, moving onto the next corner or doorway, at the first sign of a crush. The streets and piazze of Bordighera chiming with footsteps, Alec waving his flag and screaming his lungs out as each section filed by. 'Eia, eia. Alala! Alala! Evviva il Duce! Evivva il re! Evviva l'Italia! Duce! Duce! Duce!'

  The swagger of a dignitary here and there. A priest or two thrown in for good measure. Altar boys holding relics overhead: Santa Teresa, San Giuseppe, Madonna of the various locations. Mussolini, of course, just like any other saint, only better. And the band always that little bit ahead of itself, that little bit out of tune, while the air crackled with children's voices singing 'La Giovinezza', Alec joining in, word perfect. He had been as enthusiastic as the best little fascita in town, his hand darting in and out in a Roman salute. His mother would have had a fit – had she ever been there to witness it.

  Roll calls and speeches at either end, the whole town out to escort a single minor official to the train station or maybe to welcome
a mob of poor children to Mussolini's fresh air colony camp. Whatever the reason it always ended the same way. Food, wine, dancing and high humour. Never a dark hint or a cross word. Apart from a rare squabble usually caused by a greedy hand or a jealous heart. Just another Italian excuse to get dressed up and go out to a party. The Day of the Faithful put a stop to all that. Since that day last December she can no longer enjoy such occasions, nor does she find they make suitable entertainment for Alec, especially as an outsider looking in.

  Signora Lami, meanwhile, has continued to come and go; Germany, occasionally France or England. Whenever she visits Bordighera it always seems to be en route to, or from, one of these places. She comes for the whole month of December, stays for the fireworks on capodanno and goes off again on her travels come the second of January. She also spends the month of June in Bordighera. After that it depends on her somewhat mysterious schedule – which of course is never explained nor discussed. For almost three years, this has been the case.

  Then, one morning towards the end of May, a telephone call is put through from the Signora. It starts with the usual blast of domestic instructions, then the Signora reminds Bella that she will be arriving next month and would like everything to be organized, also that the best guest room be made 'up to scratch'. She does not say in whose honour.

  'Can you please tell me, Miss Stuart, what are my son's chances for promotion in next month's exams?' she goes on to ask then.

  'Not bad, he's been working quite well lately. Algebra has been a bit of a problem again but Edward has—'

  'Excellent. Please inform the authorities that he will no longer be an outside pupil, but that we will be sending him to school next term.'

  Bella is sure she has misheard. 'School? Do you mean everyday school?'

  'Yes, yes. Everyday school.'

  'As in the state school, Signora?'

  The Signora gives a slight tut. 'Miss Stuart, I really don't know. This is why I am asking you to research all solutions. What is available to him – this is what must be ascertained. I will make my decision when I arrive. If he passes his exams and is promoted next term it will be to the scuola media – are there many such schools in Bordighera, do you know, Miss Stuart?'

  'I have no idea.'

  'You can find out. Yes, indeed. Oh, and make inquires also about the Balilla.'

  'The Balilla?'

  'Yes, yes, you know, the Wolves, or the Musketeers or whichever is for his age group just now. One of the fascist youth brigades anyhow. The Sons of Italy, whatever they are calling it. You have seen them I'm sure – you go to the parades, I believe?'

  'Not for a while, no.'

  'Ah yes. The Day of the Faithful put you off, I understand?' The Signora gives a little laugh here before continuing. 'Well, you must overcome your reservations. Apply for him to be a member of the Balilla. Nothing too boisterous. Perhaps he could join the band? He is musical enough I suppose. Ask Maestro Edward if he can teach him a few suitable pieces on the flute or some portable instrument anyhow. Nothing requiring too much blow, with his asthma, also I don't want his cheeks becoming over-developed and spoiling his looks. Like Rosa's son, you know, the trumpeter?'

  'Very well, Signora Lami. So that's state school? And the Balilla?' Bella asks.

  'Oh yes, and Sunday mass. Do you take him to mass, Miss Stuart?'

  'Well, no.'

  'You are not religious?'

  'No. But in any case I'm not Catholic. I've taken him occasionally to the Anglican church. And sometimes Elida brings him to mass.'

  'Forgive me, I sometimes forget I am not the only non-Catholic in Italy.'

  'I can take him if you like.'

  'Excellent! He has made his communion you know. Rotate the churches, I wish him to be seen in all. However, as there is a Lami pew in the Magdalena – in the old town, you know – you may favour that a little more than the others.'

  'So that's the scuola media, the Balilla and Sunday mass?' Bella asks again, just to be certain.

  'Yes, yes. In fact, Miss Stuart, it is time Alec Lami went out to the world!'

  *

  On the first day of June the Signora arrives with Signor Tassi by her side, and gradually the complete turnaround regarding Alec begins to make sense.

  Gino Tassi, the lawyer from Naples. Bella recognizes him at once as the man she delivered the letter to when Signor Lami was dying. If he has any recollection of their previous meeting, he keeps it to himself.

  Bella finds him a pleasant sort, with a friendly, handsome face. Early forties or thereabouts, much younger than his predecessor anyhow – if this is what he intends to be. And he certainly seems to please the Signora, who has become quite giggly and frequently pink, causing Bella and Edward to exchange several amused glances. Alec, on the other hand, and despite Tassi's best efforts to woo him with presents and jokes, shows indifference. At best he responds with a chilly politeness, at worst he behaves as if Tassi simply doesn't exist.

  The most surprising thing about Gino Tassi, in relation to the Signora anyhow, is how thoroughly Italian he is: mannerisms and dress, love of food and comfort, the way he turns the charm on for almost any female to cross his path. And not a word of her beloved English language ever passes his lips, nor does he show the slightest interest in learning to say so much as 'hello'.

  Should the conversation turn to English the Signora translates for him and he responds accordingly with a smile or a gesture of sympathy. Otherwise they speak Italian 'for his sake', as Signora Lami apologetically puts it, as if it is a sacrifice that has to be made.

  'So! Miss Stuart, have you succeeded in finding a school for my son?'

  The Signora finally gets around to asking this question a few days into her stay, when she invites Bella to go with her to the tennis club to meet Alec. Signor Tassi has decided to stay behind and write postcards in the garden. Edward, as usual, is stuck to his piano.

  'Well, Signora,' Bella begins, 'the difficulty is finding a place for him. The numbers are up considerably this year, it seems.'

  'You have said who he is? His father? His grandmother?'

  'They know who he is, Signora. Everyone does. But it seems many private pupils now want to be part of the regime.'

  'Yes, it's certainly how Signor Tassi sees it. He advises it indeed most strongly. He thinks it is a very bad idea to be otherwise. That it can be read as disloyalty. I suppose one must at least be seen to make an effort. Do you have a solution, Miss Stuart?'

  They come in by the Anglican church, passing through the narrow laneway into the club. Behind the high-ivy wall comes the steady tick-tocking of tennis practice. Bella follows the Signora along the side margins to the further court where Alec is playing. They sit on a nearby spectators' bench.

  'No solutions, Miss Stuart? This is not very like you!'

  'Well, there is one possibility. But again, there are difficulties. St George's in San Remo – it used to be the English school? Well, it's been revised as an Anglo–Italian venture. Boys and girls from all over the world. Mostly from the diplomatic circles. Italians too, of course. It's not quite a state school – there are fees involved. But it is recognized. In fact the pupils must be enrolled in the Balilla and participate in patriotic ceremonies. I went to see it – do you know Villa Magnolie? Well, it's a lovely villa really, terraces, gardens, classrooms – very modern. And there's an impressive art studio too, which Alec would love. The problem is transport. The train station is too far and is a stiff uphill walk anyhow, which would be bad for his asthma, although he does seem to be growing out of that. But in any case the buses are just not reliable enough. It would mean he could often be late, and well – you know how upset he gets about breaking rules.'

  'In fact.'

  The Signora says nothing for a few minutes, just watches her son run around the court. Sometimes she returns a bow or a wave from another spectator. Then she resumes. 'Would you say, Miss Stuart, that this St George's is merely making a bow to fascism rather than giving it a full emb
race?'

  'I think it would be fair to say that, yes.'

  She returns her eye to the game. 'He's really not very good, is he? I mean, considering the amount of time he spends playing, and the coaching of course. He's extremely awkward – wouldn't you say?'

  Bella feels a slight stab. 'Well, I wouldn't say that. I mean he is only nine years old, Signora. And he knows we're here, which is probably making him nervous. He's usually much, much—'

  'He is almost ten, Miss Stuart. Could he be a boarder, do you think?'

  'A boarder?'

  'Yes. You know, I had always intended for him to go to a boarding school in England when his age was right, but I changed my mind. Do they allow boarders in St George's?'

  'Yes, but I don't know if…'

  'You don't know if it's a good idea, Miss Stuart – is that what you are saying? You don't know if he will be able for it?'

  Bella looks away.

  'You worry about my son, Miss Stuart, I think.'

  'No. Of course not.'

  'It means, at least, you love him,' she sighs. The Signora slaps her hands on her lap and stands up. 'Do you think we might refer to this St George as – San Giorgio? With perhaps the emphasis on the fascista element?'

  'Oh yes, the prospectus is full of all that, actually.'

  'Excellent. Call him in, would you?'

  Bella walks along the side of the court towards Alec. The coach is shouting instructions, and Alec stumbling behind a racket that appears to be far too big for him. She hooks her fingers in through the wire, then waits until he catches her eye and comes running.

  Later that evening Alec is told, 'My dear, we have some news for you.'