The Christmas Elf Read online

  “I can only imagine.”

  I opened the fridge and scanned its barren contents. “I need to go shopping. There’s nothing yummy in here.”

  “You’re doing it again.”

  “Doing what?”

  “What you do when you want to avoid a problem?”

  “No, I’m not. I’m hungry.”

  “No, you’re avoiding your problem and replacing it with food. That’s what you do.”

  I flipped around and gave him the stink eye. “Sometimes it’s best to keep your lips zipped.”

  He raised his hands in defense. “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.”

  I folded myself into him and he pulled me close. “I’m sorry,” I said.

  He hugged me tighter. “No harm, no foul.”

  I nuzzled my face into his neck, inhaling his scent, a mix of spicy deodorant and Jake, my most favorite smell. “The elf is creepy.”

  “That it is.”

  “Even my mother thinks so.”

  “Really? That’s surprising.”

  I pulled away from him, but he kept his arms around my waist. “I know. And she doesn’t have a clue what to do, which is unusual, so that just makes this all the more confusing. And the whole, give me back and mommy thing is frustrating.”

  “At the risk of stating the obvious, seems like if you find out who mommy is, you’ll know who to give it back to.”

  “Care to guess how many mommies there are in the world?”

  “Nope.”

  “Me neither.”

  “You’ll just have to retrace your steps.”

  “You mean Mel’s steps?”

  “Mel’s steps.”

  “She’s not gonna like this. The doll already freaks her out.”

  “Tell her to put on her big girl panties.”

  “That’s the problem. Mel doesn’t wear panties.”

  “Didn’t need to know that, honey.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh.

  ***

  “It speaks?” Mel asked. “Like, uses actual words?”

  I nodded.

  “Oh, hell no.” She backed away from the elf and me. “I am not coming near that thing. I told you it’s possessed. Take it to the dump. Burn it. I don’t care what you do with it, but keep it away from me.” Her face had whitened so much I could see the veins under her eyelids.

  “It is not possessed. It just wants his mommy.” Even I realized how ridiculous that sounded.

  She raised an eyebrow and then waved a hand. “I can’t even.” She marched to my couch and sat at the furthest point from the kitchen. “Keep that thing away from me.”

  I set it behind the toaster and sat next to her. “You got me into this so you’ve gotta help me. It’s not complicated. We’ve just gotta bring it back to the house you bought it from.”

  She pressed her lips together. “The place I got it? That’s all?”

  I nodded.

  “You’re sure?”

  I wasn’t but I nodded anyway. I figured if I was wrong, I’d worry about it later.

  “Okay,” she said. She stood. “Let’s get this over with. The sooner that thing is gone, the sooner the hairs on the back of my neck will go down and I can feel normal again.”

  I followed her into the kitchen. She stopped near the counter with the toaster.

  “You want me to get it?” I asked.

  She nodded. “I sure as heck ain’t touchin’ it.”

  “Chicken.”

  “Sorry, not sorry.”

  I grabbed the elf and we jumped in my car.

  After I’d backed out of my driveway, I asked her for directions.

  “It’s Leafy Greens subdivision.”

  Since Starbucks was on the way to that particular subdivision, we made a quick stop to quench our pumpkin spice latte addiction, and sat at our favorite outside table. It was a bit chilly but Georgia weather rarely stopped us from sitting outside. We kept the creepy elf locked in my car.

  Mel popped open the lid on her cup and swiped her finger through the whipped cream. “This is the best part of the drink,” she said, licking her finger.

  I followed suit. “I know.”

  Pumpkin spice lattes were like candy to me and I finished mine quickly, but Mel, whose patience often resembled that of a saint, sipped hers. I hated that about her.

  “So what’s the plan? We gonna knock on their door and give the elf back or what?” she asked.

  I eyed her drink and when she caught on, she held it tightly. “I was thinking we’d stick it in the mailbox. That way we don’t have to explain anything.”

  “Good plan.” She dipped her finger into the whipped cream again.

  A slight moan escaped my lips.

  “If you didn’t scarf yours down, you wouldn’t be so jealous,” she said.

  “It’s the holidays. I’m getting another one.” I practically jumped from my seat and went back inside.

  A few minutes later, as I waited for Jenn to finish making my drink, Mel walked in, leaned into me and whispered, “It’s on the table.”

  “Who?”

  “Who do you think? And it talked to me.”

  She was shaking. If I didn’t get how creepy it was I would have laughed. “Did you put it back in the car?”

  “Are you kidding? I’m not touchin’ that thing. I told you it’s possessed. And besides, you locked the car, remember?”

  She had a point. “Did you see it get out?” I couldn’t help but wonder how that had happened.

  She shook her head. Jenn handed me my drink and I pulled Mel back toward the front of the store. It was like pulling a bag of wet cement. She didn’t want to budge but I forced her. “It’s not gonna hurt you, I promise. It just wants to go back to its mommy.” Saying that made my stomach lurch. The whole thing was just messed up.

  “I wanna go home. I’ve got stuff to do.”

  “Oh no you don’t,” I said. “This is your deal, not mine.”

  “But I passed the buck to you.”

  I used my hip to push open the door and pulled Mel through it. The elf sat on the tabletop, its eyes fixed on the door. “Give me back,” it said.

  “I’m gonna barf,” Mel said.

  “Then you’d better do it before you get in my car because I’m not cleaning that up.”

  She bent over and took deep breaths. I didn’t realize she wasn’t kidding. “You okay?”

  She pulled herself up and let out one last big breath. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s get this over with.”

  I grabbed the elf and clicked the key fob for my car and we headed to the Leafy Greens subdivision.

  I turned into the main entrance. “Which house was it?”

  She peered out the passenger side window. “I’m not sure.”

  I faced her. “Seriously?”

  “It’s been over a year.”

  “Good grief.” I pulled to the side of the road. “Think, Mel.”

  She studied the area in front of us. “It’s a big subdivision but I remember a lot of the sales were by the pool.” She pointed to the left.

  “Give me back,” the elf said. It was in the cup holder between us.

  I picked it up and sat it on the dashboard. “We’re working on that, buddy. Maybe you can point us in the right direction?”

  The elf didn’t offer any input.

  “Guess not,” Mel said. “And I can’t decide if I’m relieved about it or not either.”

  “Right there with ya.” I slowed near the pool. “Any of these look familiar?”

  She scrutinized the surrounding homes. “I don’t know. Can’t your mom help us?”

  “I already asked. She was just as freaked out by the elf as we are so I doubt she’s all that interested.”

  “Great.”

  The dead must have some celestial sixth sense because my mother shimmered into the backseat. “I ain’t scared of the talkin’ elf.”

  “Annnd she’s here,” I said in my best Price is Right announcer voice.

 
; Mel golf clapped. “Awesome. Fran, can you tell us where I got the elf?”

  Ma snorted. “Whadda she think I am, psychic?”

  I snorted.

  “What?” Mel asked. She could talk to my mother but couldn’t hear her respond.

  “She wants to know if you think she’s psychic.”

  Mel’s eyebrows stretched to the tip of her hairline. “Uh, well, yeah.”

  “That’s the problem with youse guys. You think we celestial spirits know it all.”

  “Pretty much,” I said.

  “Turn left at the stop sign up there,” Ma said.

  I nodded. “I knew it.”

  “What?” Mel asked.

  “She knows where to go.”

  “Of course she does because she’s the bomb diggity.”

  I pulled up alongside a modest two story, red hardy plank home much like the rest of the homes in the subdivision.

  The elf, still perched on the dashboard, pointed to the house and said, “Give me back.”

  “We’re workin’ on it,” I said.

  “You’re not going to the door are you?” Mel asked.

  “I was thinking you were.”

  She shook her head. “Uh, yeah. What’m I supposed to say? ‘Hey, this elf keeps telling me it wants to come back to you, so here ya go.’ I don’t think so.”

  “Then what do you propose we do?”

  “Stuff it in the mailbox.”

  I glanced at the doll on the dashboard, its little face staring almost desperately at the house. A slight twinge pinched in my chest and I was surprised to realize I felt a little guilty about just stuffing the doll in the mailbox. “I don’t think I can do that.”

  “What? Why not?” she asked.

  Ma giggled. “You feel bad for it, dontcha?”

  I nodded. “Would you like being stuffed inside a small dark place? What if it’s claustrophobic?”

  Mel leaned her head against the back of the car seat and moaned. “Oh for cryin’ out loud, it’s a doll.”

  I picked up the elf and held it toward my friend. “A talking doll. One that has made it pretty darn clear it wants to go home, so obviously it has feelings and who am I to assume it wouldn’t mind being stuffed into a mailbox?” I shook my head. “I can’t do that to it. I just can’t.” I leaned toward her, the elf only and inch from her face. “Here, take it back to them.”

  She pressed herself into the passenger side door so tightly she gave herself three chins. It wasn’t pretty. “No. Not doin’ it. I’m not touchin’ that thing. I told you, it’s creepy.”

  “She’s got a point there,” Ma said.

  “Fine, I’ll take it.” I opened my car door, and as I got out, said, “I’m the only one here with the cojones to do the right thing.” I slammed the door behind me.

  I heard Mel yell, “Better you than me,” as I walked up the driveway.

  I rang the bell and a few seconds later a middle-aged woman with long dark hair and olive colored skin opened it. “May I help you?”

  “Uh, hi. My name is Angela.” I struggled to find the right words. “I um…I…my friend bought this elf from your garage sale and I…I know this is gonna sound strange, but she thought you might want to have it back.” I held the doll up for her.

  The woman tilted her head to the left like Gracie does when I say the word walk. “That’s not mine.”

  It was my turn to tilt my head. “But this is where she bought it. Last year. At the garage sale.”

  “Last year? We just moved here last summer.”

  Well, crap. “Oh. Do you happen to have any information on the previous owners? I’d really like to give them the doll back.”

  “May I ask why?”

  Sometimes life is a lot like a game of craps. You just have to roll the dice and see what happens. That moment was one of those times. “Because the doll, it talks and it told me it wanted to go back to it’s mommy, so I figured there’s a good reason.”

  Her eyes popped open. She stepped back and slammed the door in my face.

  I stared at the door and then at the elf. “Well that blows.”

  The little elf’s eyes blinked at me. “Give me back.”

  “I’m tryin’. I’m tryin’.”

  ***

  Jake stared blankly at the TV, flipping channels. “Maybe you should’ve just stuffed it in the mailbox.”

  “Something tells me that wouldn’t have worked anyway.”

  “And you think Fran really doesn’t know where the family moved to?”

  “Nope. She even crossed her heart and hoped to die.”

  He started to say something but I cut him off.

  “I know. I said the same thing. She said celestial spirits know most everything but they don’t know it all. Yada, yada, yada. You know the drill. Lessons and all that crap.”

  “So what happens now?” He’d finally settled on a reality TV show about people in living in Alaska.

  “I’ll search public records for the last sale of the house and get the owner’s name and then hopefully find them through whitepages.com. If I can’t, I guess I’ll see if Aaron can find them for me.”

  “All for a doll?”

  “A talking, moving doll.”

  “True, but have you considered the fact that they might’ve sold it to Mel for that very reason?”

  Huh. I hadn’t. I fell onto the couch next to Jake and leaned my head onto his shoulder. “I’m just gonna pretend that’s not the case. We don’t have room for a talking doll. We already hit our daily word usage with two teenagers and my dead mother.”

  “That we do.”

  ***

  The Internet is equally remarkable and unnerving. A quick public property records check gave me the sales information for the modest house—Georgia home values were ridiculously inflated, a whopping $465,271 sale—by a Sharon Masterson. Further investigation by yours truly for a mere ninety-nine cents amassed a plethora of personal information on Kevin and Sharon Masterson, including their credit score—each in the seven hundreds—their two children’s names—Bella and Logan—emails, places of employment for the past five years and the golden egg, their current home address.

  I gave myself a high-five. I picked up the elf and showed it the information on my laptop. “Well, there ya go. That right there is all the information we need to get you back home.”

  “Give me back,” it said.

  I flipped it to face me. “We really need to work on growing your vocabulary.”

  I put it in the cabinet with the Tupperware and closed the door. As I tidied up the house before going to bed, I felt guilty for leaving it in the cabinet and went back to get it, but it was already out and sitting on the coffee pot. “Stay here, please. I don’t want you freaking my dog out again, okay?”

  It blinked.

  I took that as a yes and went to bed.

  ***

  Mel was in full-on whine mode. “I don’t wanna go. That thing scares the bejesus outta me.”

  “That thing is yours. I’m doing you a favor here so you’re coming with me.” I finished the last of my cup of coffee, kissed my son Josh goodbye as he headed to the school bus and headed up to my bedroom to get dressed. My daughter Emily had left for school already to take an early mid-term.

  “I have to work.”

  “So do I.”

  “That’s different. I get paid to do my job so I have to do it.”

  One hand held my phone to my ear and the other flailed around as I yelled. Typical Italian. “You can’t put a dollar amount on helping the dead connect with the living!”

  She chuckled. “Testy much?”

  “Just get dressed. I’ll be there in a few.” I clicked end and got dressed.

  A few minutes later we were on our way to the Masterson’s new abode. Ma hovering in the backseat, the elf perched on the dashboard and Mel glued to the back of her seat, creating as much as possible distance between her and the doll.

  “I like these houses a lot better than the other on
es,” Ma said.

  We’d pulled into the subdivision where the Masterson’s lived. “Me, too. Looks like they upgraded.”

  “What?” Mel asked. She hated hearing one side of the conversation.

  “Ma likes these houses better than their last one.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, me, too.”

  Ma floated behind Mel and examined her head. “She’s gettin’ some grays up here. Looks like it’s time for a dye job.”

  I pressed my lips together, forcing myself not to smile.

  She blew on Mel’s hair and Mel instinctively scratched her head.

  I pressed my lips together harder.

  She did it again.

  I checked the GPS on my phone even though the volume was up and it had just told me to turn left.

  One of Josh’s lacrosse balls bounced from the backseat and plunked Mel on the head.

  She shrieked and ducked. “What the—Fran!”

  I busted out laughing.

  “Ah Madone, I love gettin’ her goat,” Ma said.

  Mel grabbed the lacrosse ball from the floor between her feet and tossed it behind her. It sailed right through my mom.

  “Don’t have the same effect,” Ma said.

  I laughed again.

  “What?” Mel asked.

  “When you threw the ball, it went through her,” I said. “She said it doesn’t have the same effect.”

  Mel flipped around and put her hand, palm down, under her chin, then flicked it outward like my mother always did when she was mad. “I’m done, Fran. Done.” Then she busted out laughing.

  I giggled. “Somehow an Asian woman doin’ an Italian hand move doesn’t have the same impact.”

  “You got that right,” Ma said.

  “Turn left onto McIntosh Drive,” my GPS said.

  I turned left.

  “Your destination is on your left. Fifty-seven twenty-five McIntosh Drive.”

  I pulled the car in front of the house and cut the ignition. We all stared at the house.

  “Much nicer,” Ma said.

  “I like this one better,” Mel said.

  “We’ve already established that,” I said.

  More staring and silence and then the elf did its thing. “Give me back.”

  “That’s our cue,” I said.

  “I suppose you’re gonna make me go with you this time?” Mel asked.

  “Abso-freaking-lutely. I’m not having a door slammed in just my face this time.”