Healing Spiritual Wounds Read online

  Dedication

  To

  Beth Sentell

  and

  Matthew Buell

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1 A Tree Grows in My Bedroom

  2 Finding Shalom

  3 Healing Our Image of God

  4 Recovering Our Emotions

  5 Redeeming Our Broken Selves

  6 Reclaiming Our Bodies

  7 Regaining Our Hope

  8 Reassessing Our Finances

  9 Being Born Again

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  Further Reading

  About the Author

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Chapter 1

  A TREE GROWS IN MY BEDROOM

  I paced the small room, wringing my hands as if sopped with foul dishwater. What should I do? I breathed the question through choppy gasps as I listened to the human explosion down the hall.

  Fear choked me as I heard the voices of my mother and father, rising and cresting, with angry rhythm. I tried to figure out my strategy if it became dangerous. I could barge into the living room with some sort of demand and start redirecting my father’s rage toward me. I regularly used that trick because my dad had never hit me, and so the interruption would confuse his fury. But it worked better when my sister was caught in the snare of argument. When my mom was fighting, my intrusion could just make the violence worse.

  What should I do?

  I thought about my bank account. I started it as soon as I could and filled it with as much exit money as I could gather. My classmates spent their money at the mall, but I’d been saving mine for a while. I had to have a plan. I had older friends who would take me in when it got too bad, but I didn’t think I could leave yet. I didn’t have enough money and I had too much time before college. No one had enough patience for somebody else’s teenager invading her space for three years.

  What should I do?

  I walked from one corner to the other, from my bookshelves to my bed, a simple path, back and forth, so small that it almost made me dizzy. My mind, in contrast, felt like a complicated labyrinth as I tried to figure my way out.

  What should I do?

  I could run to the neighbor’s house again, but my mom warned me that they would call child protective services if I kept going to them for help. Then she filled my head with enough foster care horror stories to make me fear I’d be jumping from a scary ledge into the heart of a volcano. If I left, I needed to do it on my terms. But what were my terms?

  What should I do?

  Our family was an upstanding Christian family. I had gone to the church for help, but their teaching—that my father was the head of the house and we needed to submit to him—seemed useless now.

  What should I do?

  The voices grew louder. Dishes banged and clattered. I stood next to my door and tried to figure out if it was from jerky, angry handling or throwing. I didn’t think he was throwing things. Not yet.

  I had no place to turn, and so I went back to my wringing, pacing, and asking, What should I do? until it became a chant. I added an address to my pleading, and it was a prayer. O God, what should I do? God, what should I do? I muttered as fear overwhelmed me.

  Then, as if I entered the eye of a tropical storm, peace blew its hot, humid breath. My feet stilled, but not out of panic. I looked down at my hands and they were motionless too. I inhaled smooth, deep air. The sense of normalcy was such an odd feeling that I sat on my bed and listened to the breath coming out of my mouth in wonder. I closed my eyes and placed my palms up on my lap. I no longer heard the fighting. I wasn’t sure if it actually stopped, but I didn’t hear it any longer. Instead, this overwhelming sense that it would be okay—that I would be okay—flooded me. God surrounded and embraced me.

  I became altered so much in that moment that I was sure I was breathing God. I didn’t know exactly how, but I understood it to be as true as the oxygen that filled my lungs. I had a sudden realization that I was living, moving, and being in God. The solitary event altered my outlook in such a way that it marked me internally with a “before” and an “after.” BCE and CE—Before the Carol Era and the Carol Era.

  Something grew in the room beside my bed and bookshelves. It was a tree—a spiritual tree but still vivid to me. The gnarled twisting roots burrowed deep into the rug and the foundation, and they kept plunging, through the earth’s crust and into the mantle. I could feel the branches hunched with the wearied exhaustion of carrying the weight of the world for so many years, while the hardy trunk looked as if it had stood up to the most bullying hurricanes.

  If I could get a good look at its vivisection, I had no doubt that the rings would prove its ancient history. But I had no desire to cut it down. Instead, I imagined plucking a great piece of fruit from its drooping limb and biting into it. It would be bursting with intense hybrid flavors, a genetic splicing of an apple tree with horseradish. For me this connected to the Seder meal, where on the same plate we combined the bitter herbs of horseradish and the sweetness of the apple.1

  The meal was a reminder to the people of Israel that life was full of bitterness and sweetness. Sometimes they both came on one plate. In my conjured vision of that Saturday morning, both flavors mixed in one fruit. I savored the sweetness of my life, family, and religion, but I also knew it tasted bitter at times. My years encompassed the intensity of this contrast.

  As I breathed in my complicated peace, I prayed that God would protect my mother. I asked that God would give me compassion for my father. I prayed for the courage to forgive. As I chewed on that fruit, it wasn’t as if the peace lulled me into complacency and made me want to stay in the house. Instead, it gave me a connection with God and strength to leave when I could.

  GETTING PAST MY INNER SKEPTIC

  A skeptic lives inside me. Just as my memories come with fictional fruit trees attached to them, this inner skeptic also comes out to play among my recollections. With a little jab at my rib cage, he says, “Oh, how nice. God, your imaginary friend, arrived just in time! But if God had time for house calls, don’t you think that God would be with the starving kids in Haiti rather than with your little privileged white self?”

  I smile at my skeptic and keep telling the story, even if it makes me ridiculous. There are some spiritual experiences that I cannot fully explain, and doing so may make me sound naive. But they are my truth, and so I take a determined step right over my cynic and his morbid chuckle. I keep moving, making a leap of faith. While in mid-jump, I grasp hold of these narratives because they contain a veracity that a stripped-down history could not. I remind my skeptic that we’re not rewarded for suffering. God has preference for the poor, but the Holy One doesn’t show up like a gold medal for the Oppression Olympics. I just noticed God more in the midst of heartache, because of my need. But God was always there, just as God is in Haiti.

  And as for God being imaginary, God’s presence in my bedroom arrived like a substance. It was like the sweet high of the epidural hitting a spine after hours of muscle-straining, sweaty labor. The peace I experienced felt like prolonged sleep, an ache-less back, or the ability to walk. It’s one of those things you don’t recognize unless you’ve lived without it; but if you’ve been in turmoil for a long time, then peace takes on a particular palpability. It is as real as cerulean blue.

  That was how I spent my teen years, with that complicated bittersweet relish surrounding me. Fully knowing that religion had been complicit in the violence, I still searched for spiritual peace. I had many things to offer me solace, things into which I readily subm
erged—friends, books, art, and nature. They all served as retreats from the chaos at home.

  Yet they all seemed grounded in God. When friends cared for me, I noticed something divine in them. When I read books, a faithful wisdom emerged. When I painted, I sensed a connection with a Spirit, a muse I channeled, or perhaps she channeled me. When I walked, a holy Otherness enlivened my senses. As I got older, I would find many more comforts in things like philosophy, wine, or sex. In all of these things, God opened doors for me, giving me access to rooms in my being I didn’t know existed, and I continued to find God grounding everything that gave me life and healing.

  It has been thirty years since that morning that I breathed God in the midst of my anxiety. Even after all this time, my mind regularly drifts back to that little room. It’s home base in life’s hectic games. It’s where I’m safe. It’s where I run to catch my breath, to remember how God saved me, to understand how my story entwines with a greater history, and to remind myself that there can be a way out of no way.

  When I feel anxiety rising, I sit, breathe, and picture the room. As if I were Max in Where the Wild Things Are, a tree grows up, shading me. I eat of its good and evil, understanding that the world is ripe with bitterness and so I demand the sweetness. I must have the peace. I open myself, lifting my chin in resolute determination of worthiness, unclenching my fingers in a pose of forgiveness, and unfurling my suffering so that it might be exposed to God.

  A SEARCH FOR HEALING BEGINS

  That room contains the honest answer to the questions people ask me.

  “Why are you still a Christian?”

  “Why do you still care about church?”

  “Why did you decide to become a minister?”

  Yes, Christianity was and is part of the problem, the cause of much suffering, anxiety, and pain in life; but Christianity has also been my cure, my solace, my center. Through the years, I could recognize the serenity God provided that morning in my room, and so I’ve searched to understand that moment of peace better. I immersed myself in religion. I tried to figure out what happened through the conservative Christianity in which I grew up, and so I went to a Bible school. While there, I became much more aware of the bitterness, realizing even more that religion not only heals but can also cause deep suffering. I discovered the sexism, cringed at the homophobia, and recoiled at the political maneuverings in the church that lubricated the rich and damned the poor.

  But I knew these problems did not really represent God. In my longing for a healthier, more compassionate faith that reflected the God I had met, I left the conservative church of my youth and became a part of a progressive tradition. As I learned what my theology could be, people began to walk alongside me, encouraging me to study and wrestle even more. I became Presbyterian (USA), went to seminary, and found ways to deconstruct and reconstruct how I understood my religion. When I took each facet of faith apart and examined it, a whole tradition of sacred struggle opened up to me. But the reality of what I discovered in my bedroom many years ago has never left me.

  This journey has slowly evolved into a calling. I became a pastor. Through all of the study and conversation in my parish, I found myself seeking paths of peace for those I served. I wasn’t alone with my religious wounds or in my hunt for spiritual healing. Other people ached with pain that religion caused. I began to see patterns in the ways we found healing and I realized God was calling me to help people to separate religious wounds from their positive experiences with God and to restore the latter.

  That is how I came to write this book. I wanted people to discover a safe place where we could speak honestly about all the bitterness caused by the church—the blatant sexism, physical abuse, sexual harm, and emotional manipulation—while finding a way to hold on to the sweetness and wholeness and healing the spiritual life can bring.

  I’m not interested in defending Christianity. If someone’s wounds from the church are such that they reject their faith, I will not try to convince them to come back. The faith has been around for two thousand years, and it flourished without my protection. Not to mention, I found attempts to engage in “apologetics,” or a defense of the faith, rarely take complaints seriously. Apologists abound with smug arguments that make you want to avoid eye contact with them at dinner parties, and their clever rationalizations work to evade the real and valid suffering that people endure. Nor am I interested in converting anyone. There are enough people with that mission in life.

  My aim is different. I could not walk away from the faith because that is where I found my peace. That is where I met God. I write for those who feel the deep wounds caused by religion and who, like me, want to heal from them. I’ve walked with those who left church but longed for a way back. I think about friends who tried to break up with God but can’t seem to make the split final. I work with people who declare atheism but found themselves backsliding. I talk with men and women who can’t help but pray to the very same divinity they wish to deny. There seem to be so many people who want to heal, but they can’t figure out where they placed the balm.

  Our souls are tender places. We hold our ideals, hopes, wishes, and dreams there. That’s why spiritual wounds can feel so devastating. In response to that inflicted pain, we can reject God. We can grow scabs in order to protect ourselves from further suffering, so that our souls might not ever be susceptible to that sort of pain again. But that will inevitably harden us to the beauty, wonder, and mystery of God.

  There is another way. As we heal, we peel back those hardened places and allow our souls to be vulnerable again. We learn to protect ourselves with wisdom instead of a simple rejection.

  Through these pages, I often refer to my stories but only so you might create your own histories, places, and metaphors. You will have your own encounters with God and sources of spiritual healing, which will look different according to different temperaments—for some it will be a thoroughly intellectual endeavor, while others might have a more mystical experience. Though each person is unique, after decades of watching people go on this journey, I have found that spiritual wounds can be grouped into different kinds, and each has a distinct path for healing. When we find these paths, we realize that people have been traveling on them for thousands of years. In fact, at the heart of the process, we can hear the words of Jesus:

  Love the Lord your God with all your heart,

  and with all your soul, and with all your mind. . . .

  love your neighbor as yourself.2

  We practice loving God by healing our image of God. We love ourselves by recovering our emotions, brokenness, and bodies. We love our neighbors through regaining our hope and reassessing our finances. Though a person needs to be actively open to the healing, it is work that begins and ends with God. And that’s good news, because no matter what we’ve learned in moralistic lessons of Sunday school or from the rantings of oily-haired revivalists or the nastiness of venom-filled religious bloggers, God is rooting for us. No matter who we are or what we have done, God is for us.3

  These paths will not open to us because we achieved something, nor will they close because we haven’t arrived at some sort of perfection. They are open to those who are open. That is all God requires.

  I invite you to hold this book lightly. If you’re coming from a more conservative background, as I did, please don’t think that you have to believe (or not believe) everything that I do to continue reading the pages. Glean what you can from them, even if that’s simply discomfort. If I say something cynical or sarcastic about a belief you hold sacred, I apologize. Much of this is written from my own wounds, and I often handle pain through humor, so I have found that my words can be more biting than I intend.

  In these pages, we will acknowledge the pain Christianity causes as we ask God for healing. Exploring that tender spot, we will lift up the wounds and search for the salve.

  FINDING SPACE

  Since many of us have learned and internalized damning messages that harmed us over years or even deca
des, it will take some time, discipline, and practice to relearn faith. We need space to peel back that scab of rejection and apply the ointment of wisdom. I’ve provided exercises at the end of each chapter, designed to help us open ourselves to God, explore our histories, and recover a sense of wholeness. You may do the exercises alone or with a group.

  To begin the process of healing spiritual wounds, you’ll need to find a space in which you can do the work. When we need to heal from a substantial physical wound, a nurse will say, “Get some rest.” When we recover from a psychological trauma or emotional pain, we are told, “Time will heal.” The wisdom extends to healing from religious wounds, because whenever we do any sort of soul work, we need space—not only a physical space but also space in time and emotional energy.

  Some of us hardly have sixty seconds to relieve ourselves without kids interrupting the process. Others work so many hours that we’re rarely alone with our thoughts. Yet, in order to do the work of healing, you will need that place where you can open your vulnerable self. It can be a journal where you can work through your thoughts. It can be the place where you walk your dog or the early morning before anyone wakes. But the first thing that you should do is name the place and time. Like an astronaut placing a flag on a barren planet, sometimes you have to go ahead and seize it. Carve out time (thirty minutes to an hour) from your day. Write it down, in the margins of this page, type it into your phone, and declare it in your calendar—your space for healing.

  The Opening Exercise

  Before unfurling stories, reclaiming beliefs, and molding memories, start with a physical posture that is open to God’s work. As you begin each exercise, acknowledge God’s presence and your willingness.

  You can sit, uncross your legs, place your hands on your lap, with palms up. Breathe deeply, imagining that your breath is God’s Spirit. It is in God that you live, and move, and have your being.4 Listen to what your body is saying. Do you feel stress in your neck or muscles? If so, imagine breathing into that part of your body. Stretch it out a bit. Notice any knots in your stomach or pain in your back.