Her Body and Other Parties Read online

  ADVANCE PRAISE FOR

  HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES

  “Carmen Maria Machado’s Her Body and Other Parties tells ancient fables of eros and female metamorphosis in fantastically new ways. She draws the secret world of the body into visibility, and illuminates the dark woods of the psyche. In these formally brilliant and emotionally charged tales, Machado gives literal shape to women’s memories and hunger and desire. I couldn’t put it down.”

  —Karen Russell

  “Brilliantly inventive and blazingly smart, these stories have the life-and-death stakes of nightmares and fairy tales; they’re full of urgent, almost unbearable reality. Carmen Maria Machado is an extraordinary writer, an essential voice.”

  —Garth Greenwell

  “The stories in Carmen Maria Machado’s Her Body and Other Parties vibrate with originality, queerness, sensuality and the strange. Her voracious imagination and extraordinary voice beautifully bind these stories about fading women and the end of the world and men who want more when they’ve been given everything and bodies, so many human bodies taking up space and straining the seams of skin in impossible, imperfect, unforgettable ways.”

  —Roxane Gay

  “Her Body and Other Parties will delight you, hurt you, and astonish you as only the smartest literature can. In this collection Carmen Maria Machado blends horror, fairy tale, pop culture, and myth in mesmerizing ways that feel utterly new. These stories are peerless and brilliant.”

  —Alissa Nutting

  “Her Body and Other Parties is genius: part punk rock and part classical, with stories that are raw and devastating but also exquisitely plotted and full of delight. This is a strong, dangerous, and blisteringly honest book—it’s hard to think of it as a ‘debut,’ it’s that good.”

  —Jeff VanderMeer

  “Those of us who knew have been waiting for a Carmen Maria Machado collection for years. Her stories show us what we really love and fear.”

  —Alexander Chee

  “Carmen Maria Machado writes a new kind of fiction: brilliant, blindingly weird, and precisely attuned to the perils and sorrows of the times.”

  —Ben Marcus

  “What Carmen Maria Machado has done with this collection is nothing less than stunning. Just when you think you’ve figured her out, she unveils another layer of story, so unexpected, so profound, it leaves you gasping.”

  —Lesley Nneka Arimah

  “Carmen Maria Machado has a vital, visceral, umbilical connection to the places deep within the soul from where stories emanate. With a tenderness that is both touching and terrifying, Her Body and Other Parties gives insight into a cluster of worlds linked by their depth of feeling and penetrating strangeness.”

  —Alexandra Kleeman

  “An astonishing and supple debut. Carmen Maria Machado shuffles together fantastic, realistic, popular, and literary genres and then deals winning hand after winning hand. Whether it is reworking fairy tales, rewriting the entire run of Law & Order into a grim fantasy, or diving into unchartered territory entirely Machado’s own, Her Body and Other Parties is a deft and thoughtful reclaiming of both literature and genre.”

  —Brian Evenson

  “Carmen Maria Machado is the way forward. Her fiction is fearlessly inventive, socially astute, sometimes pointed, sometimes elliptical, and never quite what you’re expecting—yet behind it you can always hear that ancient tale-teller’s voice, bartering for your attention with its dangers and its mysteries, its foolhardy characters pulled this way and that by the ropes of their emotions. Which is to say simply this: that there is at once the breath of the new about these stories and the breath of the timeless.”

  —Kevin Brockmeier

  “With her lush, generative imagination, shimmering language, and utter fearlessness, Carmen Maria Machado is surely one of the most ferociously gifted young writers working today. … Hilariously inventive, emotionally explosive, wonderfully sexy, Machado’s stories will carry you far from home, upend your reality, and sew themselves to your soul.”

  —Michelle Huneven

  “Carmen Maria Machado is amazing. A form-bending fabulist in the tradition of Kevin Brockmeier, Kelly Link, and Karen Russell, she gleefully seeks out weird shapes and subjects for every story. … She writes uncanny, creepy, sexy, funny, feminist, magical-realist, metafictional, pop-cultural, and all-of-the-above stories, and she seems determined never to write the same story twice. Yet for all of its wildly inventive variety, Her Body and Other Parties is unified by the one story it keeps finding new ways to tell: how women can survive in worlds that want them to disappear, whether into marriage, motherhood, death, or (literally) prom dresses.”

  —Bennett Sims

  HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES

  HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES

  STORIES

  Carmen Maria Machado

  GRAYWOLF PRESS

  Copyright © 2017 by Carmen Maria Machado

  The author and Graywolf Press have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify Graywolf Press at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.

  Excerpt from “Bipolar is Bored and Renames Itself” copyright © 2016 by Jacqui Germain. Reprinted from When the Ghosts Came Ashore (Exploding Pinecone Press).

  Excerpt from “God Should Have Made Girls Lethal” copyright © 2015 by Elisabeth Hewer. Reprinted from Wishing for Birds (Platypus Press).

  This publication is made possible, in part, by the voters of Minnesota through a Minnesota State Arts Board Operating Support grant, thanks to a legislative appropriation from the arts and cultural heritage fund, and a grant from the Wells Fargo Foundation. Significant support has also been provided by the National Endowment for the Arts, Target, the McKnight Foundation, the Lannan Foundation, the Amazon Literary Partnership, and other generous contributions from foundations, corporations, and individuals. To these organizations and individuals we offer our heartfelt thanks.

  Published by Graywolf Press

  250 Third Avenue North, Suite 600

  Minneapolis, Minnesota 55401

  All rights reserved.

  www.graywolfpress.org

  Published in the United States of America

  ISBN 978-1-55597-788-7

  Ebook ISBN 978-1-55597-980-5

  2 4 6 8 9 7 5 3 1

  First Graywolf Printing, 2017

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2017930115

  Cover design: Kimberly Glyder Design

  For my grandfather

  REINALDO PILAR MACHADO GORRIN,

  quien me contó mis primeros cuentos, y sigue siendo mi favorito

  and for

  VAL

  I turned around

  and there you were

  My body is a haunted

  house that I am lost in.

  There are no doors but there are knives

  and a hundred windows.

  — JACQUI GERMAIN

  god should have made girls lethal

  when he made monsters of men.

  —ELISABETH HEWER

  CONTENTS

  THE HUSBAND STITCH

  INVENTORY

  MOTHERS

  ESPECIALLY HEINOUS

  REAL WOMEN HAVE BODIES

  EIGHT BITES

  THE RESIDENT

  DIFFICULT AT PARTIES

  HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES

  THE HUSBAND STITCH

  (If you read this story out loud, please use the following voices:

  ME: as a child, high-pitched, forgettable; as a woman, the same.


  THE BOY WHO WILL GROW INTO A MAN, AND BE MY SPOUSE: robust with serendipity.

  MY FATHER: kind, booming; like your father, or the man you wish was your father.

  MY SON: as a small child, gentle, sounding with the faintest of lisps; as a man, like my husband.

  ALL OTHER WOMEN: interchangeable with my own.)

  In the beginning, I know I want him before he does. This isn’t how things are done, but this is how I am going to do them. I am at a neighbor’s party with my parents, and I am seventeen. I drink half a glass of white wine in the kitchen with the neighbor’s teenage daughter. My father doesn’t notice. Everything is soft, like a fresh oil painting.

  The boy is not facing me. I see the muscles of his neck and upper back, how he fairly strains out of his button-down shirts, like a day laborer dressed up for a dance, and I run slick. And it isn’t that I don’t have choices. I am beautiful. I have a pretty mouth. I have breasts that heave out of my dresses in a way that seems innocent and perverse at the same time. I am a good girl, from a good family. But he is a little craggy, in that way men sometimes are, and I want. He seems like he could want the same thing.

  I once heard a story about a girl who requested something so vile from her paramour that he told her family and they had her hauled her off to a sanatorium. I don’t know what deviant pleasure she asked for, though I desperately wish I did. What magical thing could you want so badly they take you away from the known world for wanting it?

  The boy notices me. He seems sweet, flustered. He says hello. He asks my name.

  I have always wanted to choose my moment, and this is the moment I choose.

  On the deck, I kiss him. He kisses me back, gently at first, but then harder, and even pushes open my mouth a little with his tongue, which surprises me and, I think, perhaps him as well. I have imagined a lot of things in the dark, in my bed, beneath the weight of that old quilt, but never this, and I moan. When he pulls away, he seems startled. His eyes dart around for a moment before settling on my throat.

  “What’s that?” he asks.

  “Oh, this?” I touch the ribbon at the back of my neck. “It’s just my ribbon.” I run my fingers halfway around its green and glossy length, and bring them to rest on the tight bow that sits in the front. He reaches out his hand, and I seize it and press it away.

  “You shouldn’t touch it,” I say. “You can’t touch it.”

  Before we go inside, he asks if he can see me again. I tell him that I would like that. That night, before I sleep, I imagine him again, his tongue pushing open my mouth, and my fingers slide over myself and I imagine him there, all muscle and desire to please, and I know that we are going to marry.

  …

  We do. I mean, we will. But first, he takes me in his car, in the dark, to a lake with a marshy edge that is hard to get close to. He kisses me and clasps his hand around my breast, my nipple knotting beneath his fingers.

  I am not truly sure what he is going to do before he does it. He is hard and hot and dry and smells like bread, and when he breaks me I scream and cling to him like I am lost at sea. His body locks onto mine and he is pushing, pushing, and before the end he pulls himself out and finishes with my blood slicking him down. I am fascinated and aroused by the rhythm, the concrete sense of his need, the clarity of his release. Afterward, he slumps in the seat, and I can hear the sounds of the pond: loons and crickets, and something that sounds like a banjo being plucked. The wind picks up off the water and cools my body down.

  I don’t know what to do now. I can feel my heart beating between my legs. It hurts, but I imagine it could feel good. I run my hand over myself and feel strains of pleasure from somewhere far off. His breathing becomes quieter and I realize that he is watching me. My skin is glowing beneath the moonlight coming through the window. When I see him looking, I know I can seize that pleasure like my fingertips tickling the very end of a balloon’s string that has almost drifted out of reach. I pull and moan and ride out the crest of sensation slowly and evenly, biting my tongue all the while.

  “I need more,” he says, but he does not rise to do anything. He looks out the window, and so do I. Anything could move out there in the darkness, I think. A hook-handed man. A ghostly hitchhiker forever repeating the same journey. An old woman summoned from the repose of her mirror by the chants of children. Everyone knows these stories—that is, everyone tells them, even if they don’t know them—but no one ever believes them.

  His eyes drift over the water and then return to me.

  “Tell me about your ribbon,” he says.

  “There’s nothing to tell. It’s my ribbon.”

  “May I touch it?”

  “No.”

  “I want to touch it,” he says. His fingers twitch a little, and I close my legs and sit up straighter.

  “No.”

  Something in the lake muscles and writhes out of the water, and then lands with a splash. He turns at the sound.

  “A fish,” he says.

  “Sometime,” I tell him, “I will tell you the stories about this lake and her creatures.”

  He smiles at me, and rubs his jaw. A little of my blood smears across his skin, but he doesn’t notice, and I don’t say anything.

  “I would like that very much,” he says.

  “Take me home,” I tell him. And like a gentleman, he does.

  That night, I wash myself. The silky suds between my legs are the color and scent of rust, but I am newer than I have ever been.

  My parents are very fond of him. He is a nice boy, they say. He will be a good man. They ask him about his occupation, his hobbies, his family. He shakes my father’s hand firmly, and tells my mother flatteries that make her squeal and blush like a girl. He comes around twice a week, sometimes thrice. My mother invites him in for supper, and while we eat I dig my nails into the meat of his leg. After the ice cream puddles in the bowl, I tell my parents that I am going to walk with him down the lane. We strike off through the night, holding hands sweetly until we are out of sight of the house. I pull him through the trees, and when we find a patch of clear ground I shimmy off my pantyhose, and on my hands and knees offer myself up to him.

  I have heard all of the stories about girls like me, and I am unafraid to make more of them. I hear the metallic buckle of his pants and the shush as they fall to the ground, and I feel his half hardness against me. I beg him—“No teasing”—and he obliges. I moan and push back, and we rut in that clearing, groans of my pleasure and groans of his good fortune mingling and dissipating into the night. We are learning, he and I.

  There are two rules: he cannot finish inside of me, and he cannot touch my green ribbon. He spends into the dirt, pat-pat-patting like the beginning of rain. I go to touch myself, but my fingers, which had been curling in the dirt beneath me, are filthy. I pull up my underwear and stockings. He makes a sound and points, and I realize that beneath the nylon, my knees are also caked in dirt. I pull my stockings down and brush, and then up again. I smooth my skirt and repin my hair. A single lock has escaped his slicked-back curls in his exertion, and I tuck it up with the others. We walk down to the stream and I run my hands in the current until they are clean again.

  We stroll back to the house, arms linked chastely. Inside, my mother has made coffee, and we all sit around while my father asks him about business.

  (If you read this story out loud, the sounds of the clearing can be best reproduced by taking a deep breath and holding it for a long moment. Then release the air all at once, permitting your chest to collapse like a block tower knocked to the ground. Do this again, and again, shortening the time between the held breath and the release.)

  …

  I have always been a teller of stories. When I was a young girl, my mother carried me out of a grocery store as I screamed about toes in the produce aisle. Concerned women turned and watched as I kicked the air and pounded my mother’s slender back.

  “Potatoes!” she corrected when we got back to the house. “Not toes!” She t
old me to sit in my chair—a child-sized thing, built for me—until my father returned. But no, I had seen the toes, pale and bloody stumps, mixed in among those russet tubers. One of them, the one that I had poked with the tip of my index finger, was cold as ice, and yielded beneath my touch the way a blister did. When I repeated this detail to my mother, something behind the liquid of her eyes shifted quick as a startled cat.

  “You stay right there,” she said.

  My father returned from work that evening, and listened to my story, each detail.

  “You’ve met Mr. Barns, have you not?” he asked me, referring to the elderly man who ran this particular market.

  I had met him once, and I said so. He had hair white as a sky before snow, and a wife who drew the signs for the store windows.

  “Why would Mr. Barns sell toes?” my father asked. “Where would he get them?”

  Being young, and having no understanding of graveyards or mortuaries, I could not answer.

  “And even if he got them somewhere,” my father continued, “what would he have to gain by selling them amongst the potatoes?”

  They had been there. I had seen them with my own eyes. But beneath the sunbeam of my father’s logic, I felt my doubt unfurl.

  “Most importantly,” my father said, arriving triumphantly at his final piece of evidence, “why did no one notice the toes except for you?”

  As a grown woman, I would have said to my father that there are true things in this world observed only by a single set of eyes. As a girl, I consented to his account of the story, and laughed when he scooped me from the chair to kiss me and send me on my way.

  It is not normal that a girl teaches her boy, but I am only showing him what I want, what plays on the insides of my eyelids as I fall asleep. He comes to know the flicker of my expression as a desire passes through me, and I hold nothing back from him. When he tells me that he wants my mouth, the length of my throat, I teach myself not to gag and take all of him into me, moaning around the saltiness. When he asks me my worst secret, I tell him about the teacher who hid me in the closet until the others were gone and made me hold him there, and how afterward I went home and scrubbed my hands with a steel wool pad until they bled, even though the memory strikes such a chord of anger and shame that after I share this I have nightmares for a month. And when he asks me to marry him, days shy of my eighteenth birthday, I say yes, yes, please, and then on that park bench I sit on his lap and fan my skirt around us so that a passerby would not realize what was happening beneath it.