Leap of Faith Read online

  Attend the theater. Not long after we married, we caught the show Wicked at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. It’s an amazing musical. We were both in total awe of the performance. The most surreal part to come of it happened a year later when one of the lead actresses reached out after we posted a picture of ourselves at the theater on Instagram. She replied: “Oh my God, I’m a huge fan of Love Is Blind and of you guys” to our post. That made that particular date night extra special.

  Check out an exhibit. We both look to art for inspiration, so museum visits are a favorite way to spend an afternoon or evening, followed by dinner out and a walk around the neighborhood (we love compound dates with a few different parts). Around the time of our one-year anniversary, we caught the Virgil Abloh exhibit at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta. He’s a Black artist from Chicago who became creative director of menswear at Louis Vuitton back in 2018. However, our favorite work of art at the High Museum was a painting of a mischievous-looking woman eating grapes we affectionately referred to as “Grape Lady.” She makes us both laugh whenever we see her grin and takes us back to that timeless date.

  Go small. We’re all for dates that challenge and inspire, but sometimes the simpler things in life are the best. When the weather is nice, we’ll pick up a couple sandwiches from the local Subway and head to the park for a laid-back picnic. Spending time together doesn’t have to be elaborate. In fact, some of our best, most meaningful conversations have taken place during these casual outings. It’s all about creating space for you and your partner to be together, away from the distractions of daily life.

  Do some research. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own! Some of our dates came from watching restaurant reviews on TikTok and reading “Top 10 Romantic Date Spots in Atlanta” articles online. It also helps to keep a list of places you would like to go and activities you would like to do, so when date night is approaching you don’t have to scramble for ideas. Also check out apps like Groupon, which can spark some great date ideas and give you a discount too.

  Try something new. Some of our most memorable dates came from putting in the extra effort to plan something we had never done together. Here are some of our favorite dates:

  Going to the Atlanta Botanical Garden on Valentine’s Day during their old Hollywood theme

  Hiking in the Garden of the Gods in Colorado for Cameron’s birthday

  Taking Lauren to the shooting range for the first time

  Going on a cabin retreat in rural Georgia

  Seeing Wicked at the Fox Theatre

  Going to Dad’s Garage (a comedy club in Atlanta)

  chapter sixteen THE ART OF COMPROMISE

  Lauren

  There are two kinds of people in this world: those who love dogs and everybody else. I have always been a dog lover, going all the way back to my poodle, Layjay, one of my first pets growing up. We kept her nails painted red to match her perfectly manicured cut. Or Max, our sweet golden retriever who followed me around like a shadow.

  As an adult, I’m still obsessed with dogs, but more than that, they’re a huge source of psychological comfort. As you can probably tell by now, I have a lot of anxiety in my life. Work situations, home situations, social situations, all of the above. One of the tough things about anxiety is that it can be triggered by anything. I’m also very cerebral, so it’s easy for me to feel overwhelmed. My heart starts pounding so hard that it feels like it’s going to beat right out of my chest. I’ll feel short of breath and my skin will break out in a cold sweat. Basically, your classic anxiety attack.

  During my early twenties, I had a Pomeranian named Pepe. He was my bosom buddy. We’d go to parties together and out for drinks with friends. But besides being great company, he was also an incredible comfort when anxiety attacked. I’d sit on the couch and take him in my arms and my heart rate would drop immediately. My lungs would fill with air and my clammy hands would dry out again.

  I didn’t tell any of this to Cam the first time the topic of pets came up in the pods. But I did admit to being a bit of a dog person. I couldn’t see his expression, of course, but I could practically feel the grimace through the wall between us.

  Cameron

  It’s fair to say, I am not a dog person, or at least I wasn’t for most of my life. Not by a long shot. And it’s not that I didn’t like dogs; I just never wanted to live with them. I actually grew up with dogs. We had two English setters, Woody and Sadie, for most of my childhood and teenage years. My dad worked as a hunting guide and trained the dogs to be experts in pointing out ruffed grouse and woodcock. As renowned as they were for their hunting prowess, the dogs were a constant headache. They barked at the slightest disturbance, they slobbered over everything, and their fine white hair was literally everywhere. No amount of vacuuming could tame the spread of hair. I vowed I would never again live in a household with a dog.

  My disdain for dog ownership was well known within the family. My mom was always bothered by the fact that I didn’t want to have a dog and would often prod me by asking, “Well, what about a [insert dog breed here]? They’re nice and they don’t shed.” At one particular family dinner she asked, “What if your girlfriend or your wife wants to get a dog?”

  “Then she’s got to go.”

  “Cameron, you can’t be serious.”

  I meant what I said. Especially post-college, when I was living on my own, dogs were a deal breaker in my search for love. I know it sounds harsh, but I figured there were so many eligible women out there who weren’t dog people that I could afford to be picky on this one point.

  Then came Lauren.

  I remember the moment in the pods when she professed her love for dogs. In the past, I would have started crossing the person off my list at the mention of a dog. But with Lauren it was different: I could already envision the two of us chasing the dog around the living room and going on long walks with him. We started talking about what it would be like to raise a dog from a puppy together and joked about how much of a troublemaker he would be. One pod date, Lauren asked me what we would name the dog. I racked my brain for something to fit the high-energy dog we imagined.

  “How about Sparx?” I offered.

  “Ooohhh, like the sparks between us!” she said excitedly.

  “Exactly.”

  Lauren

  When it comes to love, “compromise” can feel like a dirty word. It’s easy for one person in the relationship to feel like they’re settling for something they don’t really want just because they’re tired of arguing. But true compromise isn’t about giving in. It’s about finding common ground through empathy and communication.

  In the case of the dog, there was no “it’s the dog way or the highway” ultimatum. We had a bunch of conversations.

  “I can’t stand all the hair,” Cameron said during one of our early dates in the pod. “The thought of constantly vacuuming it up drives me crazy.”

  “Yeah, that can be pretty disgusting,” I empathized. “But you know, there are a lot of breeds out there that don’t shed a lot, especially if you keep up with the grooming.” I didn’t push too hard, but I could sense that he was starting to warm to the idea.

  A few weeks later, after we left the set of Love Is Blind for good, we were walking through our neighborhood in Atlanta when the topic came up again. I shared more about the calming, anxiety-fighting effects dogs have always had on me.

  Cameron appreciated my honesty and added this perspective of dog ownership to his list of pros and cons. He was becoming even more open to the thought of becoming a puppy parent.

  “I really don’t want the decision to be just about me and my needs. I won’t be happy having a dog if I know it’s making you unhappy,” I confessed to Cameron.

  “Lauren, I want to get a dog,” he said. “For us.”

  And that’s how baby Sparx, the most adorable, precocious Airedale puppy that ever was, came into our lives.

  Cameron

  Sparx has definitely made a dog lover out of
me. I can’t imagine not having him as part of the family now, even if he chews everything in sight and eats whole bars of soap like during Thanksgiving 2019.

  But in all seriousness, Sparx was one of our first lessons in compromise, one that paved the way for larger, more serious challenges in the relationship. I think one of the biggest challenges for me early on had to do with Lauren’s apartment. As you may have already noted, Lauren was extremely reluctant to give up her apartment after we wrapped Love Is Blind.

  We were hiking up Stone Mountain when the subject first came up.

  “How would you feel about me keeping my apartment?” she asked.

  “Well, I’m not sure why you would want to do that,” I responded. “We have the house, which belongs to both of us now. I want this house to be your home. I want you to feel completely comfortable there.”

  “I know, Cameron,” she said. “But I’ve never lived with a man before, let alone been married to one and moved into his house. It’s just a lot to process all at once.”

  My worst fears and insecurities started rising to the surface. I was afraid this was a sign she was having second thoughts about our marriage and was looking for an escape route. I tried to conceal my discomfort, but I’ve never been able to hide my emotions; my face is an open book.

  “It’s not a reflection of you,” Lauren said reassuringly. “It’s a reflection of the fact that I need my alone time sometimes. And that this apartment really means a lot to me.”

  “I know your apartment is very special to you,” I said. “And ultimately it’s your apartment, so I can’t tell you what to do with it. I just don’t want you to have second thoughts about anything.”

  “Well, let’s just think about it for now, okay?” she said.

  And suddenly, getting a dog together did not seem like a big deal by comparison.

  I thought about what Lauren holding on to her apartment meant as another week passed. I was having a hard time moving beyond my fear that she might be having second thoughts. At the same time, I knew I had to trust her if we were going to have a successful relationship and that I must not let my insecurities get in the way of that. I also tried my best to put myself in her shoes and consider how big of a transition this was for her. I wanted her to be happy and I realized anything I did that would limit her freedom would only drive her further away from me. When I felt like I had gathered up my thoughts, I broached the subject again. We were having dinner at Nuevo Laredo Cantina, one of our favorite restaurants in Atlanta.

  “So I want to talk about your apartment again,” I began. “I know how important your own space is for your creativity. I also know that your apartment represents your freedom and independence. I get all that. And yet, I can’t help but think that you also want to hold on to your apartment in the event you decide to change your mind about being married to me. I’m afraid that the more time you spend there, the less you are going to want to spend time with me. But I also realize this is what you need to be happy and I am willing to do what it takes to make you happy, even if that means spending less time together.”

  As close as Lauren and I had become by that point, it was still difficult to admit my insecurities that openly. But I knew that the only way we were going to come to any resolution was to lay all our cards on the table.

  Lauren

  There’s a time to talk in a relationship and there’s a time to listen. Sitting with Cameron that night at the restaurant, I knew it was a time for me to listen. Sure, there was a part of me that wanted to tell Cameron I thought he was being ridiculous! Of course I’m not going to hide out in my apartment! But that would have invalidated his feelings.

  Instead, I asked more questions to understand where these feelings were coming from. Cameron talked about some of his past relationships that had ended badly. In one case, he and his girlfriend had to be physically apart for long stretches of time and that led to a kind of emotional separation. Another girlfriend had been unfaithful to him during a prolonged separation and that created a lot of trust issues.

  “Babe, I feel your pain because I’ve experienced that myself,” I said, referring to the boyfriend in college who cheated on me. “But I promise you, that’s not what this is about. I will be loyal to our marriage.”

  “I know that,” Cameron responded. “In my heart I know you would never be unfaithful. Just as I know I could never ever be unfaithful to you. But it’s still hard for me to understand why you are struggling with letting go of the apartment.”

  We were at an impasse. And yet it didn’t feel hopeless because we were being honest about our feelings and respectful of each other’s position.

  Cameron

  That is a critical point about compromise: it doesn’t just happen. You need to be patient. When there’s an issue in a relationship, it’s easy to feel like you’re running around in circles, like the situation is never going to change. It’s important to take a step back and assess if any progress has been made, however small or incremental. Some issues take a long time to resolve. You have to ask yourself if you have the patience and the compassion to see the compromise through to the end. You also have to ask yourself if you can live with this issue in the event it is never resolved.

  You may find that there are times when one or both of you cannot and should not compromise. For instance, if your partner gets a dream job offer that will require them to move to another state, you cannot expect them to pass on that opportunity because it will make spending time together more difficult. The compromise should not involve sacrificing aspects of one’s identity to satisfy one’s partner. Compromise is about the willingness to listen and understand where your partner is coming from. You must decide together how best to proceed, even if the solution you arrive at is to simply accept a suboptimal situation, like having to travel to spend time with your partner. To put it more succinctly, compromise on the things you can (i.e., things that won’t breed resentment), and where you can’t, seek to understand and respect each other.

  Dinner at Nuevo Laredo Cantina that night did not end our discussion about Lauren giving up her apartment. But we moved the issue forward by practicing honesty, compassion, and respect. I continued to express that I accepted her keeping her apartment, even if I was hesitant at first. In the weeks that followed, she continued to take day trips to her apartment, even spending the night there on occasion. I missed her when she was away, but it didn’t scare me anymore because I realized that I needed to trust her. I came to accept that she was just getting the one-on-one time with herself that she needed, because that’s how she had lived her life for the past thirty-three years.

  This continued for a good two or three months. Then one afternoon I came home from the gym. Lauren was on her laptop at the kitchen table.

  “Hey, babe, what are you up to?” I asked.

  “Writing an email to my property manager,” she said.

  “Oh yeah, what for?”

  “For the apartment,” she said. “I’ve decided I’m not going to renew my lease.”

  I went over and wrapped her in my arms.

  “I love you,” I said.

  “I love you too,” she said, then added, “Now we have to find a studio space for us to work out of.”

  “You got it, baby!”

  * * *

  Where to Draw the Line

  While compromise is crucial to a relationship, there are certain actions and behaviors that are too toxic for any healthy relationship to survive. Of course, it’s important to forgive, but if your partner does any of the following over and over again, you probably need to walk away. In some cases, you might even need to get out of the relationship after one strike.

  Infidelity. Relationships are built on trust. If your partner isn’t faithful to you, that’s an automatic deal breaker. Yes, there are couples who work through the issue if it happens once, but even then, the damage to the foundation of the relationship may be too much to repair. And if the person you love is continuously carrying on behind yo
ur back, protect yourself by ending things. In short, stay true to each other or move on.

  Abuse. Whether it’s physical or emotional, abuse in a relationship is completely unacceptable. We’ve both experienced it to varying degrees in past relationships. It often starts small, with minor shows of contempt, maybe a cruel joke or put-down. But slowly over time, the insults or attacks become increasingly hurtful. And it’s easy for the victim to feel like it’s their fault, like they somehow deserve the abuse. There is someone out there who will love you better than that.

  Addiction. This is a tough one, because substance abuse is so prevalent in our society. Yes, you should show compassion if you’re in love with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem. But if they refuse to get help, there will come a point when you will have to extricate yourself. This is something else that we’ve experienced firsthand. In our experience, the addiction creates so much chaos that it becomes impossible to establish long-term goals as a couple, especially when you’re willing to compromise but your partner doesn’t seem to be.

  Unwillingness to compromise. As discussed, compromise is a critical part of a relationship that is founded on mutual respect and understanding. If you and your partner respect each other and both seek to understand where the other is coming from, chances are you will be able to come to a solution that you both deem fair. For instance, if you are deciding whether to spend the holiday with your partner’s family or your own, a reasonable compromise might be to alternate where you go each year or to try to visit both families for a few days each. However, if your partner is totally unwilling to meet you halfway, that’s a serious red flag. Try to have a conversation to figure out their unwillingness to hear you out and to try to find a middle ground. Of course, neither of you should compromise in situations that require you to sacrifice your self-identity or that would breed resentment for each other. Even in the most challenging situations, however, both people need to feel heard and respected, even if there isn’t a satisfying solution to your current dilemma.