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  “Just to let you know, my dad does not take any shit,” I said one morning, apropos of nothing. We were sitting poolside, enjoying a late breakfast. I think it caught Cam a little off guard.

  “Okay,” he said slowly.

  It wasn’t that I was afraid Cameron was going to say anything crazy to my dad. Cam is obviously a very thoughtful person and not one to fly off the handle or behave unpredictably. Still, I felt like it was only fair to give him some sort of warning.

  “I’m just saying, he speaks his mind,” I explained. “So don’t be offended. That’s just the way he is. No buffer. He’s going to grill you hard. But he’s doing it out of love.”

  “I can’t wait to meet him,” Cam said. And I could tell he really meant it.

  Cameron

  Meeting the potential in-laws for the first time is going to be stressful for anyone. If it’s not, it probably means you’re not as emotionally invested as you need to be for this step in the relationship. I think it’s important to keep in mind that all parents are protective of their children and want some kind of reassurance that their child’s partner is going to take care of them and bring value to their life. The parents are going to err on the side of skepticism until they feel they have enough reason to believe you are willing and capable of making their child happy. It may not be easy at first to convince your future in-laws you are the one for their child, but if your genuine intentions are to take care of your partner and enhance their life in the ways you can, your in-laws will not have much justified ground for disliking you.

  I met Lauren’s mom a week after returning from our proposal-moon. We had spent our first week living together in an apartment in Atlanta. It was a difficult week: we were no longer in paradise and had to deal with balancing our normal responsibilities with the fact that our wedding was less than four weeks away. Lauren became withdrawn and I knew a major contributor to that was her concern over how her parents would react to meeting me. I was becoming anxious as well, as it was difficult to see her so reserved after all the romance we shared in Mexico. I wanted to put her mind at ease.

  I was ready to meet my soon-to-be mother-in-law when the day finally came. I gave Lauren and her mom a chance to catch up before returning to the apartment from work. When I walked in, I was relieved: she greeted me with a warm smile and a hug. I could tell Lauren gets her quieter and more gentle side from her mom.

  “So… why do you want to marry my daughter?” she asked in a soft and cheerful tone.

  “Lauren is the most amazing woman I have ever met,” I began. “Although we have only known each other for a few weeks, I have been able to be more vulnerable and transparent with her than with anyone else in my life. I love and respect her deeply and I know we can make each other happy.”

  “Wow, so you’re really serious then?” she replied, still smiling.

  “I am.”

  “Well… that’s good to hear.”

  We continued getting to know each other until one of the producers appeared and led Momma Speed off to another room.

  When she returned, she said, “So, Lauren tells me you like to rap?”

  I laughed to myself, knowing where this was going. “Yeah, I like to rap.”

  “Can you…?”

  “You want me to rap right now? Okay.”

  While I would happily oblige any request from Lauren’s mom, I could tell immediately that Production was behind this. I performed the cleanest rap I could think of, but I was cursing Production out in my mind for the image I knew they were trying to paint. Sure enough, when we watched the rap once the show came out, my fears had come true: they edited it to sound as bad as possible! Not only did they superimpose a beat that didn’t match my tempo; they also cut segments out and rearranged others, such that it sounded totally off beat and clumsy. One of the producers later posted the unedited rap she had recorded with her phone, and the differences between that one and the version on the show are jarring. I generally accepted the edits of me as accurately representing who I am, with the exception of this rap. But I digress.

  Cringe-worthy editing aside, meeting Lauren’s mom further assured me everything was unfolding as it was supposed to. As Lauren recapped how she thought the meeting went to the cameras, her mom and I stepped out into the hallway so we could continue chatting. Within the first few minutes, she was asking about our plans for starting a family.

  “So, what do you think about having kids?” she asked.

  “Well, I know all of this is happening really fast, but after Lauren and I spend a few years together as a married couple we talked about having kids,” I replied.

  “I’m ready for some grandkids,” she said with a smile.

  Meeting Lauren’s dad was higher stakes, as she had made it clear he would not be as receptive as her mom. I knew how close Lauren and her dad are, and I also knew he was protective based on Lauren’s warnings. She seemed to be getting more and more tense as the meeting day approached. She basically told me that her father’s response to me would determine how comfortable she felt moving forward with the wedding. The pressure was on, but I tried to keep calm and remind myself that my intentions were good, so I didn’t have anything to worry about.

  I relied on this reasoning to keep my nerves in check when the meeting day finally arrived. I wasn’t worried about impressing him; rather, I was focused on assuring him I truly cared for his daughter and that I was fully committed to her. After Lauren left the room and it was just the two of us, he immediately volleyed a stream of questions. “What kind of life can you give my daughter?” he asked. “Have you ever been in a room full of Black people and been the only white guy in there?” “Do you think you’ll be able to keep up with her lifestyle?” “How do I know this isn’t just some rushed decision?” “Did you consider asking for my blessing before you proposed to her?”

  With each new question, I sensed he was looking to rattle me and was pushing harder to find out what would. However, even in that moment, I understood why he was grilling me the way he was. I put myself in his shoes and asked how I would feel if Lauren were my daughter and she intended marrying some man she met on a reality TV show. I would have grilled the hell out of that guy. With all that in mind, my focus was on putting his mind at ease by conveying the ways I planned to take care of his daughter and expressing what she meant to me. I also emphasized that I did not want to take anything away from her life or change her; I only wanted to add to her life in the ways I could. By the end of the conversation, I knew I had softened his resistance, but had not completely sold him on the idea of our marriage.

  I think many people make the mistake of trying to impress their partner’s parents with their credentials and accomplishments. Instead, I think the focus should be on your level of commitment. It’s also important to show the extent to which you and their child have discussed major life decisions and core values. If Lauren and I hadn’t talked through the most critical aspects of our future lives—kids, finances, the dynamics of a mixed-race relationship, sex, conflict resolution, blending families, balancing time together with alone time, even the division of household chores—the cracks would have quickly shown under the pressure of her father’s inquisition.

  Lauren

  Cameron definitely passed the test. “He’s almost too cool,” my dad said later. “He didn’t break a sweat.” I think he would’ve enjoyed seeing Cameron squirm just a little! But I was so relieved to see the relationship between my fiancé and my parents start out on stable ground.

  My meeting Cam’s parents unfolded differently, in part because they’re still married and reside in Maine, so they flew in just for our meeting. This was after the proposal-moon and a couple weeks before the wedding day.

  The plan was to meet at Cam’s house, then have my parents join us as well. Because we were under the accelerated timeline of the show, it made sense to handle all the meetings at once. That added to the pressure, but I was happy to get it all over at once.

  When I rea
ched the house, Cam was there to greet me at the front door. There were some nerves, of course, but like Cam said, we had spent so many hours talking about our families and our future lives together. It was like that feeling in school of going into a test 100 percent prepared. You’re still nervous, but you know the material front and back.

  Cam led me into the living room and introduced me to his mom and dad. The first impression was very warm and welcoming. His mom and I quickly made our way into the kitchen. Like me and my dad, Cam and his mom are very close, so I made sure to tread lightly at first, following her lead with the conversation. After a few minutes of small talk, I showed her my wedding dress and conversation began to blossom. But we took our time and started the journey of learning about each other. I think the temptation in this situation is to try to become fast friends, but in-law relationships need breathing room. They need to develop over time. Even when the two parties hit it off instantly, it takes time for a true relationship to develop.

  That said, I felt like Cam’s mom and I had plenty to bond over. We’re both nurturers; we like to take care of people, especially our families, almost to an overprotective degree—you know, the mother hen personality type. We’re also both creative. I like to eat and she likes to cook, so we’re a perfect match in that regard! That first meeting with Cam’s mom only confirmed how right my and Cam’s union felt, no matter how unorthodox the circumstances.

  Cameron

  With my past couple serious relationships, my parents were extremely skeptical after meeting the girl for the first time. Like Lauren’s dad, my parents have always been protective and have wanted to ensure my partner has my best interests in mind. So it was a huge relief when my mom pulled me aside after she and Lauren chatted in the kitchen. “Well, I had my doubts about this whole thing,” my mom said. “But Lauren seems like a good person, very sweet and thoughtful. I can see why you chose her.” I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing, since my parents had never endorsed anyone I had dated. The universe was continuing to make way for me and Lauren!

  Soon after, Lauren’s dad showed up and the five of us sat down together in the living room. Of course, everyone was a little nervous and restrained at first. But I kept reminding myself that this was a normal milestone and I should lean into it.

  “Wow, this is crazy, right?” Lauren’s dad said finally, breaking the ice. “But it seems like these two kids are really in love with each other.”

  “Yes, Pam and I were just saying before you arrived how pleasantly surprised we are to see how well they complement each other,” Dad replied. “Although this is all happening very fast, it’s clear Lauren is a wonderful young lady and that they have found something special in each other.”

  The conversation eventually turned to race. We all started talking about the prejudice that exists in the world today and what that might mean for our family moving forward. “I just don’t want your children to be treated badly because of the color of their skin,” Mom said, with her voice trembling as she held back tears. “I don’t want them to suffer because of how society treats them and I don’t want you two to suffer either.” It led to an honest discussion about racism in our society and the challenges it will present to Lauren and me as we continue expanding our family.

  “As parents, Lauren and I will be dedicated to giving our children the best lives possible,” I said. “We know that there will be times in their lives that people will treat them unfairly, but we will make sure they know they have two parents that love them and teach them to love themselves. You know, I feel that it’s ultimately a blessing to have children, even if they have to face certain hardships, even if they’re discriminated against. And they will have four grandparents that will also love them and teach them more about where they come from.”

  This idea that we would all be working together toward the same future struck a very beautiful note, which is funny because none of the meeting made it into the show. Production later said that there were technical issues with the audio. Perhaps that is true. However, I speculate that these sentimental moments of harmony and empathy were often left out because they were not as dramatic as, say, dogs drinking wine or fights about sexual performance. I don’t think the producers ever imagined that their LIB experiment would lead to the genuine connection between Lauren and me. It was a force bigger than television, and some of the most beautiful moments ended up on the cutting room floor.

  Lauren

  Of course, we can’t edit out the memory of those first meetings. And the family dynamic has continued to flourish ever since. It happens one conversation at a time, every small gesture forming another point of connection. It’s in the calls to Maine. It’s in the visits to my mom’s house. It’s in the regular Sunday night dinners that we have with my dad. It’s been particularly wonderful watching him and Cameron bond, given my initial fears. My dad has expressed how important it is to him that he wants to feel comfortable and confident with passing the torch to the man who will take care of his daughter. It warms my heart to know that he fully supports Cam and I. He actually refers to him as his son. He doesn’t like the term “son-in-law.” When we’re meeting someone new, he always says, “This is my daughter. And this is my son.”

  * * *

  Dos and Don’ts When Meeting the In-Laws

  Every relationship is different, just like every family is different. There’s no playbook for navigating the first meeting of soon-to-be in-laws, but here are some pretty universal tips to keep in mind:

  Do focus on your partner. The more you emphasize everything you love about your in-laws’ child and how you intend to support them, the more your in-laws will appreciate you. Put yourself in their shoes and consider what reservations they may have so you can address them. In time, they might take more of an interest in you, but in the beginning, they just want to feel confident that you love their child for who they are and will do everything in your power to make them safe and happy.

  Do find common ground. This advice applies to finding a partner but also to finding harmony with your partner’s parents. In the same way you look for common ground when you first start dating or building a friendship, you want your in-laws to be able to relate to you on some level, whether it’s sports, favorite books, TV shows, or a shared hobby. You already share one major thing in common: you both love their child! A good starting ground is to see if your in-laws have any stories they like to tell about your partner. It can also be fun to talk about quirks your partner has and see if there are things your partner’s been doing since they were little. It is not enough to simply convince your in-laws to accept your union with their child; you want to foster a relationship with them that will stand the test of time. Your partner will appreciate the bond you have formed with their parents and it will likely strengthen your marriage as well. Plus, family is sacred and the opportunity to expand it is priceless. Of course, no extended family is perfect, and you might not love everyone on your partner’s side. But it’s important to at least maintain mutual respect. In the words of Jay-Z, “Nobody wins when the family feuds.” That’s the truth.

  Do respect family rules and traditions. Your parents might be cool with you and your partner sharing a room when you come to visit. But if your significant other’s parents are more traditional, you need to respect that. Even if your partner is against the policy, show empathy with the in-laws by agreeing to separate rooms.

  Don’t be fake. You want the meeting to go well and for everyone to get along. Your in-laws will likely be able to tell if you’re being genuine or not. It’s best to be yourself, while also conveying a desire to bond as a family (and we hope you have that desire). You should offer to help when a family meal is being prepared, for example, but if your help is refused, turn your attention to getting to know the in-laws better through conversation. If you don’t know what to talk about, you can always ask them questions about what your significant other was like growing up; parents generally like reminiscing about raising their kids.r />
  Don’t get defensive. Right or wrong, parents are naturally inclined to look for potential deal breakers in their child’s partner. It is their job to protect their child! During that first meeting and possibly several meetings after, they’re going to be looking for things to criticize, even if they trust their child’s autonomy and judgment. Try not to take their skepticism or hard line of questioning personally—just take it in stride and work on resolving their resistance while remaining calm.

  Keep it casual! Look for a relaxed setting for the first meeting as opposed to a formal dinner or big party setting. Breakfast and brunch are both good options, since everyone’s energy will be high, plus you won’t have to spend the entire day worrying. Resist the urge to calm your nerves with alcohol so you can have a clear mind going into your meeting. This is your opportunity to communicate your commitment to their child and how you intend to fit into their life moving forward.

  chapter fourteen OUR WHIRLWIND WEDDING DAY

  Lauren

  I might have gotten over the whole Prince Charming myth, but I never stopped dreaming about the fairy-tale wedding. Like most women, I was conditioned to believe that this is one of the most important days of your life. So while my idea of what constituted a perfect partner evolved, I still couldn’t wait to play the part of princess on my wedding day. I imagined shopping for dresses with my mom. I dreamt about the bridal shower in the weeks leading up to the big day. I got excited thinking about a ratchet bachelorette party, somewhere wild like Las Vegas or Miami.

  Instead, I was getting a made-for-reality-TV wedding planned by the production company with their best interest at heart over mine. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that I was getting the chance to marry the man of my dreams thanks to this unconventional LIB experiment. But I had a hard time getting past the fact that my special day was going to be largely out of my hands. I wanted more time for Cam and me to get to know our respective family and friends. I wanted the two of us to go on cake tastings together and figure out the perfect music. I wanted to go shopping for dresses with my mom and no one else. I’m not going to lie, the whole situation made me distressed. I know it’s what I signed up for when I agreed to the show. But I hadn’t fully considered how hard it would be to give up the wedding I had been planning in my head from childhood, probably because I didn’t really believe I would actually find my husband through this crazy reality TV experiment.