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  Suddenly, I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I had to say it. I needed to let him know what I was feeling in that moment, for it might never come again.

  “I love you, Jensen.”

  FOURTEEN.

  It was a beautiful, glorious, splendid day.

  The warm sun tickled my face from outside Jensen’s vast bedroom window. His arms were wrapped around me, keeping me at a comfortable temperature; it was cold in his apartment. Excuse me, our apartment.

  Am I dreaming? All of this is too good to be true.

  “Good morning, love,” Jensen said, kissing my forehead tenderly. Thank goodness for that. I didn’t want to have to deal with the embarrassment of morning breath. The lucky guy never had morning breath. Angels didn’t ever smell bad.

  I snuggled closer to him and sighed happily against his firm chest.

  “Would you like to see Tory today? She’s been texting you all morning.” I nodded my sleepy head and shut my eyes once more. “You look so peaceful in your sleep.” I looked up at him and he laughed. “It’s true,” he pleaded. “Your whole body relaxes. You appear calm. And you smiled in your sleep this time.”

  This time? Ugh. Now I’m embarrassed.

  I felt heat swarming to my cheeks.

  “It’s absolutely delightful,” he added.

  I groaned with humiliation and covered my face with my hands. How mortifying it was to discover that Jensen had watched me sleep. He laughed at my flustered cheeks and kissed them both.

  But a second later, I wondered something . . . .“Don’t you sleep?”

  “Sometimes,” he said nonchalantly, like it didn’t matter if he did or not.

  “Sometimes?”

  “When I feel like it, I guess,” he answered. “The only way that happens is if I stop thinking.”

  “Stop thinking?” I repeated. Lately, I must’ve sounded like a broken record with the amount of time I spent restating what he said. But it was only because I was trying to make sense of all of this. In a fair case, I couldn’t be completely at fault.

  “An angels’ mind is always occupied by literally over billions of thoughts. When I first became an angel it was excruciatingly hard to handle. I would sit in a room for days, covering my ears, trying to make the voices go away. But it never worked. So one day I just sort of…turned my brain off and it became quiet. That’s when I fell asleep, almost instantly.” He stretched, an unfamiliar move coming from him. “But angels don’t need much sleep to begin with so turning off my thoughts isn’t something I have to do every day.”

  “If you practically turn your mind off how do you wake up?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “We just do. Once our bodies are rested enough, we wake. And of course if we hear a loud noise or something,” he chuckled. “We can always sense when there’s danger.”

  I nodded my confused head. I had another pending question to ask. “Who’s talking to you inside your head?”

  “Humans,” he said, answering my question. “And they’re not really talking to me. They’re talking to G-d. Angels pick up His frequency though,” he chuckled. “It’s their praying and mourning and just thinking constantly. Their emotions are…unbearable at times. And loud. We learn to block them out when they become too overwhelming…which happens too often.”

  “Can you hear thoughts of your own?” I wanted to know.

  “Now I can. Before, it was as if the entire world’s population was surrounding me. Now, I can only hear what I want to hear. Unless there’s something major going on.” His brows pushed together, creating a dimpled V in between his eyes. He shook whatever he was thinking off and regained control of his regular beauty.

  “That must get irritating. I wish I could take that away from you.” Even thinking of Jensen in any kind of pain made my skin crawl.

  “It’s not so bad.” Jensen kissed my neck, making my head whirl. “But thank you.”

  “What about me?” I wondered.

  “What about you?”

  “Have you ever heard my thoughts…my prayers?”

  “As your Guardian Angel, of course. But somehow, The Angel Vaad was able to detach your prayers from my Angelic-wavelength. To this day, I haven’t heard a single thought of yours.”

  A part of me felt relieved. I wasn’t necessarily proud of some of the things I’d prayed for…or thought of in the past.

  “Did whatever you could hear make you feel uncomfortable?”

  He laughed. “Certainly not, Miss Montage! Your prayers were some of the purest, kindest thoughts I’d ever heard.”

  “It might have had something to do with you being in love with me,” I teased.

  “You think so?” He was sarcastic. Playfully, he began tickling my sides. Within seconds, I was a laughing wreck.

  * * *

  “You’ll never guess what happened,” Tory said, horror struck her face.

  Jensen, Tory and I were sitting in our kitchen. Tory was sitting across from us at the circular table; Jensen’s hand and mine were intertwined. We were having a thumb war but trying to concentrate on what my best friend was telling us at the moment. Jensen and I - no matter what we were doing - could not keep our hands off of each other.

  “What, Tor?” I asked, spearing a piece of pineapple with a fork and biting into it.

  “Adam broke it off with that girl he left me for.”

  I nearly spit out my food. “He did?”

  “Yeah! Can you believe it?” She was in shock. “He says he wants me back. I don’t know what to do!”

  I stared at her, then at Jensen. “Jensen?”

  “You want my opinion?” He looked amused.

  “Duh!” Tory piped up. “It’d be nice to get another outlook about this situation. Especially from a guy’s perspective.”

  I almost wanted to laugh. Tory had no idea she was sitting at the table with her former Guardian Angel. She would have flipped out if she knew. She loved supernatural things. But I wasn’t going to tell anyone about Jensen. Although he hadn’t asked me to keep who he really was a secret - whether people believed it or not - I knew he wouldn’t appreciate it if I blurted he was an angel all over town.

  “Well,” he cleared his throat and shifted his weight, “I think it’s safe to say that what he did to you was horrible, Tory. Regardless if he wants you back or not, I think the question you have to ask yourself here is - is he really worth the pain again? Could you go through something like this another time?”

  Tory stared at Jensen for a brief moment, then at me. “Your boyfriend is good.”

  We all chuckled and I cleared the table of our brunch.

  “I mean,” Tory began, “I love him. I always have and I probably always will in some way. I just don’t know how to tell him no when my heart is telling him yes.”

  “Thinking with your brain is a good start,” Jensen said playfully.

  “Hey,” Tory laughed, throwing a grape at him.

  “No food fights at my table,” I scorned her, laughing.

  “Sorry, mom.” She slumped in her seat like a child, her bleached blonde hair covering her dark eyes.

  “In all seriousness though, Tory,” I said, “I think Jensen’s right. You have to really think if Adam’s worth the trouble again. For all you know he could have broken it off with her for now but might go back to her later on. Or someone else!” She bit her lip furiously. “If he’ll cheat on you once he’ll do it again.”

  “And for future reference,” Jensen chimed in, “if he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.”

  “True. I never even thought about that,” she muttered. “I guess I’m just disappointed in him, that’s all. He should have spent more time talking to me, making plans to see me, and actually seeing me, rather than hanging around some white trash prostitute.”

  “You know what she looks like?” Jensen asked.

  “No,” she said smugly. “But I can imagine.”

  “Aw, Tory.” I gave her a hug. “Everything wi
ll work out the way it’s supposed to in the end. You’ll see.”

  “Everything happens for a reason,” Jensen chimed in. “Even if you don’t quite understand the particular reason now.”

  * * *

  I tried making sense of everything - Jensen’s secret, Tory’s boyfriend troubles and Cole’s random cameo appearances in my dreams and daily life.

  If I wanted to I could have sent the Lifetime Movie Network a screenplay of my life. And once it aired on TV people would say: “Based on real life experiences, my ass!” Who would believe I went from being a rape victim to having a real life angel for a boyfriend?

  If my future self would have told my past self this is what my life would turn into I would have laughed in my face, walked away and had myself committed. This whole situation with Jensen was crazy. Tory’s situation was crazy. Cole popping up everywhere was crazy. But to have all three to deal with at once was just ridiculous. On top of everything, there’s most likely a Shadow Angel aiming their fiery fist at Jensen because he was here with me. I had to admit I was frightened for him. I was afraid for us, too. I truly loved Jensen more than anything and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him anytime soon. Or ever.

  “What are you thinking about, sweetheart?” Jensen asked as we strolled along the beach. It was a beautiful day. Not as cold as the others. I got away with wearing a light sweater instead of a heavy one today.

  “Huh?” I was lost in thought.

  He laughed. “I asked what you were thinking about.” Jensen’s smile made me smile.

  “Oh, I was just thinking about Tory.”

  And some other things.

  “She’ll figure out what’s good for her in the end, Ava. She’s a big girl.”

  “I know,” I sighed. “Can I ask you something about her?”

  “About Tory? Sure.”

  “Is there anything confidential you’re not supposed to tell me?”

  “I’m breaking all the rules already. One more wouldn’t hurt.” He rolled his eyes and sighed. “What would you like to know about your friend?”

  “Guiding her…what did you do exactly?”

  “Well for instance, I helped her to see with clarity…whereas right now she’s not seeing with much.”

  “Does that mean her new Guardian Angel is doing a bad job?” I wondered.

  “No,” he chuckled, kicking a seashell, “it just means they have a different technique.”

  “You all have different techniques?”

  “Of course.”

  “So you’re all kind of like parents or guidance counselors?”

  “If you’d like to compare us to them to understand better, sure.”

  “Interesting.”

  “Do you have any other questions?” he asked, holding my hand in his.

  “Just one. About your punishment. You said you’re breaking all the rules, right? Well, what are they?”

  “The Angel Vaad constructed a few laws that no Light or Shadow Angel is allowed to break unless instructed by them to do so, of course. The third rule is to keep every Angel Law to himself - to never share with any non-Angel. Guess I broke that one,” he chuckled. “The second is to accept and follow all exile commands.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Avalon, when they exiled me here, they told me I’d have to stay on earth - watch you live a full life - while I waited on the sidelines, until you passed away. I couldn’t do that! I needed to be physically near you, even for a moment. I needed to see you face to face. I needed to touch you, to smell your beautiful scent, to hear you say my name. From the moment I knew you existed, I needed you.”

  My heart ached for him - for his situation, his feelings for me, my feelings for him. I kissed his hand and let him continue talking.

  “And the last one - the one they take extremely seriously - no Angel shall disrupt any activity The Angel Vaad is taking part in.”

  “So,” I began, “you definitely broke the third and second rules. But the first doesn’t seem to be broken.”

  “I know,” he smiled. “I suppose that’s one thing they can’t hold against me.”

  “I have another question.”

  “I knew you would,” he laughed. “Ask away.”

  “If an angel is naturally obedient, how can they break any rule?”

  “It’s not instilled in us to be obedient. We have a choice, just like humans. It’s a much harsher punishment if we don’t do something we’re told though. And we’re only told one time. If we make a mistake, that’s it. Most of us choose to follow rather than be immediately punished for disobeying.”

  “That doesn’t seem fair.”

  “I agree. It’s not.” He shrugged. “So as you can see, this is why a Shadow Angel is after me now.”

  “I hate this, Jensen.” An uncomfortable knot formed in the pit of my stomach.

  “But I love you. So it’s worth it.”

  The sun was setting now, a glow surrounding Jensen as it did so. I loved him more than words, more than feelings, more than anything tangible. It was now easier to believe everything about angelic life but it was harder to accept that he loved me. I shouldn’t have let my romantic relationship with Jensen escalade. I shouldn’t have gone to Old Tily’s to see him that night. I shouldn’t have let him into my life - not that I would’ve had much of a choice anyway. Jensen was exiled to earth with his own intention of seeking me in the first place.

  I was glancing downward at my feet when suddenly my vision became almost minimal as a sizzling, crackling sort of pain shot through my head, causing blotchiness when I blinked my eyes. I backed away from Jensen, crawling, hunched over. I screamed in pain as the world surrounding me got smaller and smaller.

  “Jensen!” I shrieked, hands to head. It felt like a large machine was pressing harder with every move I made.

  Is it puncturing my brain?

  “Avalon, what’s wrong?” Jensen was at my side, worry on his flawless face. “Ava, speak to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” I gripped his shirt. My knuckles turned pale white.

  “It’s my head,” I wailed. “It feels like it’s going to explode!” My breath was staggering.

  Everything around me faded away, to be replaced by a loud ringing noise in my ears. The picture in front of me wasn’t Jensen anymore. It was him…it was Cole.

  “It’s about time you showed up,” Cole said, getting up from a beach chair on the sand. “Thought you could disappear on me, huh? Well think again.”

  “What do you want from me?” I asked between gritted teeth.

  “You know what I want, Avalon.”

  “You already got what you wanted, Cole. Remember, last year? At the party?”

  “Oh, that?” he chuckled. “That was fun. But it would’ve been better if you were completely awake.”

  I felt sick to my stomach. I got up from the rubble but only to be forced face down on the sand. I was suffocating.

  “You really know how to keep a guy entertained, baby,” he said, laughing at his own words.

  My hands, unable to move them from my sides, were shaking; turning purple. My eyes watered until I could no longer see Cole.

  “Having trouble breathing?” he asked. He then pushed my head down under the sand, which had turned into blood. The iron-like smell filled my nostrils. The blood seeped into my mouth, my ears. And then it was burning me - my skin, my eyes, my hair. It felt like my skin was on fire. “Kill yourself, Avalon. Make the pain go away. Make it stop,” he repeated over and over. “You can end this. Stop breathing and all the pain will subside.”

  I was screaming loudly. Blood trickled down my throat. I tried coughing it up but my body wouldn’t allow me to. A part of me wanted to die. I wanted to end this pain. But another part of me wanted to see Jensen again, to touch him, to hear him. I needed him more than I needed death.

  And then I saw nothing.

  “Jensen!” I panted as I reached out for him - his figure coming into view. I felt my fingers touch smooth, warm skin an
d my heart rate slowed down. The intense headache almost immediately stopped.

  But I was screaming. I couldn’t stop screaming. I patted my arms and legs - like someone would do if they were on fire.

  Get a hold of yourself, Avalon.

  And with that, I stopped screaming.

  FIFTEEN.

  I wished I could make sense of the dreams, of the hallucinations I had quite frequently.

  I hoped for some clarity as to what was going on inside my head. Why was it that I was seeing Cole everywhere I went now, awake or asleep? Was I going insane?

  “Avalon,” Jensen breathed, rubbing my temples, “how’s your head feeling?”

  It had been a few hours since my, um, issue. Right after, Jensen suggested I rest for a bit. So I fell asleep, not dreaming, thank goodness. Just drifting into a clear blackness with no meaning.

  “It’s fine,” I said, “now.”

  “Love, you have…intense hallucinations and dreams, I’ve noticed. What have you been seeing?”

  “I see him. I see Cole. Every time. Anywhere I am.”

  “What does he do?”

  I shuddered at the memory of something that never happened . . . but might. “Killing me. Or trying to convince me to kill myself.”

  Jensen tensed and snarled. “What stops you from killing yourself?”

  “Thinking about seeing you again,” I answered honestly.

  “Ava, look at me,” he said, guiding my face to look into his eyes. “This seems like post-traumatic stress.”

  “Cole wasn’t Cole,” I said, hoping what I’d told him made sense.

  “What do you mean?”

  “He didn’t seem -” I searched for the word I was looking for “- human.” Jensen went wide-eyed.

  “I need you to tell me everything you saw.” His face became very serious, and it startled me. “What did he look like?”

  I explained to him what my mind conjured up, feeling uneasy. Something unexplainable was happening to me . . . and my mind. More recently than ever before. It was getting me nervous.